• Home
  • About The Mammalian Daily
    • TMD 101: A quick guide to reading The Mammalian Daily
    • A note about our style
  • Welcome to The Park
    • About The Park
    • Past and Present Archons
  • Park Life
    • Educational Institutions
      • University of West Terrier
      • Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life
      • Leonardo Language and Culture Institute
      • The Hani Gajah School of Art
      • Park School of Aesthetics
    • Shops and Retail
    • Restaurants and Pubs
    • Financial Institutions
      • Currency
    • Health & Well-Being
      • Hospitals and Clinics
      • Directory of Park Health Services
    • Grooming Houses
      • Amoltrud’s Aesthetics
      • En Garde Hair and Skin Salon
      • Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure
      • KwikLiks
      • Tallulah’s Toilettage
      • The Mane Event
      • The Pluming Room
    • Park Services
      • Architects and Construction Services
      • Employment Service
      • Entertainment and Party Services
      • Financial Services
      • Home Services
      • Image and Consulting Services
      • Legal Services
      • Park-Sponsored Programmes
      • Personal Services
      • Real Estate Services
      • Translation Services
      • Travel & Transportation Services
    • Charities
    • Citizen Aid & Action Associations
      • Associations, Federations, and Alliances
      • Political Reform Groups
      • Environmental Groups
      • Immigrant and Citizen Aid Groups
      • Education Groups
    • Sports
  • Arts in The Park
    • Art Galleries in The Park
    • Theatres and Cinemas
    • Music Makers
    • The Barkettes
      • History and Legacy of The Barkettes
      • Thisbe and the Barkettes Celebrate 10 Years of Sensational Singing Success
      • Olden Goldies: Noreen Interviews The Barkettes
      • Thisbe and The Barkettes: Hits and Recordings
    • The Library
    • Book Reviews
  • Media in The Park
    • Newspapers
    • Magazines
    • Radio Stations
    • Television Stations
    • Publishing Companies
    • Mammalian Daily Associated News Services
  • Fun
    • Take Our Quick Quizzes!
    • See Our Ads
      • A Different Reality
      • Canine Standup Comedy
      • Fake News
      • Financial Crisis
      • Liquid Assets
      • Monkey See
      • Solid Ground
      • Who We Are
      • Think Outside the Book

The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen
  • Breaking News
    • NewsBits
    • Whoa! Braking News
  • Politics/Law/Crime
    • Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction
    • Past and Present Archons
  • Economy and Business
  • Education
  • Health and Medicine
    • Media
      • Month Without Metaphor
  • Focus on
  • Science and Technology
  • Arts, Entertainment, and Culture
    • Park Life
      • Ask a Poodle
      • Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM)
      • Passings
      • Gossip and Rumour
    • Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)
    • PIFF Piffle
    • Thisbe and the Barkettes
  • Noreen
    • Dear Noreen Advice Columns
  • Sports
    • Let’s Talk Balls!
  • Interviews
    • Five Questions For…
    • Survivor Profiles
  • Archives
    • Wednesday Rewind
    • Nostalgia
    • From the Vault

Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: an exercise in restraint…and haiku

March 24, 2013 By TMD Reporters

Poems in the air
Tulips rise up from the ground
Spring is here at last!

With tensions running high in The Park this Spring, organizers of annual Park functions could be forgiven for dreading the very events that all of us have come to cherish.

And that’s exactly how it was for Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, whose first term as chief organizer of the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic (the position requires a three-year commitment) began on February 14.

“I was thrilled when I received the offer to become the Picnic’s chief organizer,” said Worthington, at a party held in his honour after the event. “But after the [Return of the] Nut business, I have to admit that that feeling was overtaken by dread.”

The 2012 winner of the first prize in The Park’s annual Toe-Hair Contest says he was “spooked” by the protests at that ceremonial event and by the chaos that ensued.

“Violence, arrests, a lack of respect for the occasion itself…I started wondering if we should postpone the Picnic or even skip it this year,” he says.

Though he never faltered in his commitment to the event, Worthington says he spent many sleepless nights wondering whether Park citizens were moving away from the very traditions that had made The Park viable in the first place.

After all, according to a survey conducted in early March by The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, Park residents are thinking twice about attending this year’s celebrations.

“The desire is there, there’s no doubt about that,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department. “Park Animals love to celebrate. We love our seasonal festivals. And celebration has become a large part of our identity. But there’s also no doubt that recent eruptions at public events have taken their toll. These [festivals] are meant to be enjoyable but Animals are beginning to wonder whether they’re risking their safety by attending. That’s a situation we have to deal with head-on or we’ll soon find that we have nothing to celebrate,” she says.

As Picnic time drew closer, Worthington says he felt a responsibility to “to resurrect our celebratory spirit by redirecting our collective energy.” He decided to focus the Picnic on “happy, haiku poems.” No epics, no ballads, no elegies. Just “the shortest about the best,” he says.

“I wanted it to be upbeat. The Picnic has always been upbeat, though there has always been a mix of poetic styles. But this year, I decided to take control of it before it took control of me.”

Despite some staffers’ warnings that restrictions might keep Animals away, Worthington stood his ground. And triumphed in the end.

“I knew that if no one showed up, my first term would be my last,” he says. But in the end, Park Animals proved their commitment to The Park and to each other.

“The success of this year’s Picnic is the most beautiful poem of all,” Worthington says.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

Threats force 2013 POPS to flee to “undisclosed location”

March 18, 2013 By TMD Crime Reporters

Bastiaan Groundhog, 2013 POPS:
Threats made on his life have resulted in his flight to an undisclosed location

Bastiaan Groundhog, the zoocratically-elected 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) has been removed from his burrow and will remain at an “undisclosed location” for an extended period of time, his handlers said today.

At a hastily scheduled press event, spokesAnimals for the 2013 POPS confirmed that threats made on the Groundhog’s life were the reason for the hasty exit from his burrow.

“On seventeen separate occasions, Bastiaan Groundhog, Park Animals’ choice for 2013 POPS, has received threats against his life,” said Klazina Woodchuck, one of the Groundhog’s handlers.

The threats began late in February and continued until a few days ago, Woodchuck said. It is believed that they were brought on by the slow growth of vegetation in The Park and the unseasonably cold temperatures and grey skies. The 2013 POPS had predicted an early Spring on Groundhog Day. The threats imply that the Groundhog either deliberately lied to the public or that he misrepresented his prognostication abilities. In either case, whoever is making the threats believes the POPS to be personally responsible, in some way, for the delay in Spring’s arrival.

“The threats carry strong wording and we are taking them very seriously,” said Park police spokesAnimal Serge Malinois, who also attended the press event.

And while Malinois was tight-lipped about the possible perpetrators of the threats, he did confirm that Park police had a number of suspects under investigation.

“All I can tell you at this point is that our list of suspects is a long one,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Police investigate infiltration of “Friends of Hieronymous”

March 13, 2013 By TMD Reporters

Above is Park Police artist’s rendering of suspicious LAdeH members. Police confirmed  that they have been investigating the infiltration of The Friends of Hieronymous by members of an anti-zoocratic group from outside The Park.

Something is rotten inside the LAdeH (“Les Amis de Hieronymous”), otherwise known as The Friends of Hieronymous, and Park Police have been working to uncover its identity.

At a press conference held this morning, Serge Malinois, spokesAnimal for Park Police, outlined details of an “intensive” investigation that, he said, has been ongoing since February 12 of this year.

“The timing is significant, of course,” Malinois said, referring to the controversy that ensued when Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros made some derogatory remarks about Hieronymous Hedgehog on his radio show that same day.

Immediately afterwards, a group calling itself Les Amis de Hieronymous sprang into action, demanding a formal on-air apology from Tavros. When it became apparent that the apology would not be forthcoming, the group became, in Malinois’ words, “aggressive, belligerent, and downright dangerous.” Group members took to the streets, protesting against both Tavros and the radio station, until the station was forced to suspend Tavros. With that success under their belts, the group members set their sights on undermining Park citizens’ confidence in their police force.

“It came to a head at the Return of the Nut,” Malinois explained at the press conference. When six of the 400 Animals arrested at the ceremony filed complaints against Park police officer Gareth Shepherd, alleging that he had bitten them repeatedly as he pushed them into a vehicle bound for the police station, “we knew something had gone awry,” Malinois said.

It wasn’t just that Shepherd is president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers and a well-respected member of the force. It was the coincidence that all six complainants were members of the LAdeH.

“A total of 400 Animals were arrested at that event, but only those from the LAdeH filed complaints,” Malinois said.

By the time the arrests were made (February 20), the investigators had compiled a “thick file” of information about the group and its members. They also had been able to confirm with Hieronymous Hedgehog that he had had no contact with the group and that he knew none of the six Animals who had filed complaints against Shepherd.

“What we are looking at here, we believe, are members of an anti-zoocratic group that has operated outside The Park for many years. This is the first time that we know of that their members have been able to infiltrate The Park. We are working closely with our contacts outside The Park to confirm our suspicions,” he said.

Malinois declined to answer questions regarding the fate of the suspects, who continue to be held in custody, nor would he confirm rumours that the charges against Shepherd will be dropped in the near future.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Archons lambasted over commissioning “official” Park song

March 9, 2013 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

The 2013 Archons have come under fire for commissioning an “official” Park song to be played or sung at official functions

The 2013 Archons are feeling the heat from Park citizens just days after announcing that they commissioned the composition of an “official” Park song.

Their intention was to have a song created “that would evoke feelings of pride and loyalty in Park Animals…something stirring that would excite all of us and make us feel appreciative of living in The Park.” That was the explanation given by the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta when he met with media representatives on March 5 to announce the commission. The song will be played or sung at all official Park functions, he said, as well as at artistic and sporting events.

While the Archons may have believed the song would please Park Animals, the opposite appears to be the case. In a sendup of the announcement, the popular Park newspaper, The Equine Echo, ran a headline yesterday mocking the idea. Presenting it as if it were an advertisement in the “personals” category of their classified section, Echo editors wrote this headline: “2013 Archons seek song singing Park’s praises for use at celebrations.”

On a more serious note, a number of academics as well as Park political commentators have weighed in since the announcement of the song, and all are of the same opinion: it’s a bad idea and it should be scrapped.

In a radio interview yesterday, beloved Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier faculty member Noreen expressed what many others have been thinking: “There is something almost Human about this business of celebrating ourselves and our accomplishments,” she said. “I think we’ve imbibed this sort of Rah Rah attitude from the Humans around us. And I don’t think it’s a good idea at all.”

Beatrice Zilonis, distinguished  UWT professor of history, echoed Noreen’s sentiments.

“Historically, we haven’t dealt with things in this way. Park Animals are not boastful and I find it rather disconcerting to see the Archons attempting to manufacture pride, especially if their intent is to use that pride as way of keeping The Park together. It strikes me as quite a desperate move on their part,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters

February 20, 2013 By TMD Reporters

Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros is “Bullish” on The Park and only wants the best for his adopted home, says a group of his supporters who have set up camp in front of the radio station.

“I think everybody’s got it all wrong about Yannis,” says Gottfried Stier. Stier has been marching up and down in front of Toro Talk Radio’s door since Tuesday, when the radio station relieved the controversial talk show host of his duties for an indefinite period of time.

Stier points to the photo on the sign he’s been carrying, then asks in a genuinely puzzled tone:

“Does that look like the face of a Bull who’s gratuitously cruel?” he asked.

That epithet is one of many that have become attached to Tavros’s name. Always known as outspoken and often seen as controversial, many believe Tavros crossed the line last Tuesday, when he criticized the intellectual capabilities of Hieronymous Hedgehog and his family.

“Nobody here thinks he should have said that,” says Stier, who says he agrees with those who believe Tavros should come forward and apologize.

“But I don’t think it’s an indication of his views. He’s argumentative…and combative on the air. That’s his persona. But his loyalties lie with The Park and he’s a staunch supporter of zoocracy. Considering where he came from, that’s not a surprise. But you won’t find many Animals who are as willing as he is to lay it on the line so The Park can be its best. I don’t think, right now, that Park Animals have any appreciation of his real attitudes. All they can hear is this one mistake. I think we owe it to him to give him a chance to speak honestly,” Stier says.

Another protester, Jurella Tamaraw, points out the irony in Tavros not being on the air.

“The last time there was a controversy about free speech, Yannis was there to help resolve it,” she says. That controversy, which involved the decision made by the Association of Park Radio Stations to pull a Cynics song from the airwaves, was resolved when Tavros offered the Cynics a chance to defend their song on his show.

Many would argue, though, that the current issue is not, technically, one of free speech. The protesters outside Toro Talk Radio believe there is a simple solution, nevertheless.

“I think he should apologize and we should all move on from this,” says Tamaraw.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Media, Politics/Law/Crime

Archon’s nephew blasted over Groundhog Day remarks

February 13, 2013 By Juho Morsk, TMD Media Reporter

The nephew of a former Archon is being criticized for remarks he made this month in an interview during The Mammalian Daily’s live coverage of The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who has been described as one of The Park’s great citizens, had been out of hibernation for only three hours when he consented to an interview with Mammalian Daily reporters. When asked his impression of the festivities, the Hedgehog was openly critical of some aspects of the celebrations, including the Park Historical Society’s film tribute to zoocracy.

“I don’t know about this movie…That sounds a touch…Human,” he said. He went on to express a number of other controversial opinions, including his belief that Humans’ interest in The Park is restricted to “our natural resources, our wealth,” and that running The Park is a job that even its resident Animals were hesitant to do.

“Nobody wants to take over The Park,” he said. “Look how long it took us to accept the responsibility.”

These last remarks were quoted yesterday by Yannis Tavros in the opening essay of his popular talk show on Toro Talk Radio.

“It seems as though even the nephew of an Archon can be anti-Animal at heart,” Tavros began. He continued his tirade against the Hedgehog, accusing him of being “openly un-zoocratic, given to delusions of grandeur, and a phony” before he ended by calling the Hedgehog “part of a family that isn’t even smart enough to know when to come out of hibernation.”

This last remark was denounced as being “over the top” and “gratuitously cruel” by a spokesAnimal for The Park’s hibernating communities. Hieronymous Hedgehog’s uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, died as a result of premature awakening from hibernation on February 3, 2008. Deaths from premature awakening have risen substantially over the past few years. Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog served as Archon in 1998.

For his part, Hieronymous Hedgehog has not had a chance to respond to Tavros’s tirade. He returned to his burrow late on Groundhog Day and is not expected to surface until February 19, the official end of the hibernation period. In his absence, though, his friends and compatriots have taken up his cause, calling for Tavros’s resignation and threatening to boycott not only his show, but his radio station.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Media, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

“Long gone registry” first official act of 2013 Archons

February 11, 2013 By TMD Reporters

The first act of the 2013 Archons is the establishment of a “long gone registry” to catalogue Animals who have left The Park

Bowing to pressure from the Park Historical Society, the 2013 Archons announced today that their first official act as The Park’s governing body will be the establishment of a registry of Animals whose departure from The Park was “caused by either death or desire”.

At a press conference held this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said the “Long Gone Registry” was deemed essential by all parties concerned “so that we can have truly accurate population and participation records for The Park.”

“All organized societies require accurate records so that they can both learn from the past and look to the future,” Alouatta said, quoting from a statement issued earlier by the Archons.

According to Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces, who advised the Archons as they drafted legislation to establish the registry, no formal records exist of or about departed Park citizens or residents.

“We don’t know who left or why they left, or even when they left. We have not kept those kinds of [exit] records, as we should have done. All we have to go on are published death announcements, family notices, citations from educational institutions, or hospital and physicians’ notes. We have no formal records regarding mobility or participation. This leaves a huge hole in our knowledge of life in The Park. There are, undoubtedly, many Animals who contributed to our life here and who form part of our history, but we know nothing about them,” he said.

The registry, which was established to rectify this situation, will of necessity rely heavily on anecdotal evidence and family lore, Alouatta said. For this reason, the Archons have engaged the services of faculty members of the University of West Terrier’s Department of History, as well as members of the Park Historical Society, in gathering the information required from The Park’s resident Animals.

The registry, which will fall under the jurisdiction of The Park’s Department of Statistics and Records, will begin data intake in the Spring, Alouatta said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Funding boost a wake-up call for Groundhog Day organizer

January 27, 2013 By Endla Metsümiseja, TMD Groundhog Day Reporter

A funding boost for this year’s Groundhog Day celebrations came as a welcome surprise to the festival’s chief organizer, Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr.

What a difference a few years can make.

“I’m the envy of everyone today,” says a sleepy but delighted Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Less than a week before one of the biggest events in The Park’s calendar, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations roused Whistlepig from the depths of hibernation to tell him he was the beneficiary of some last minute accounting.

“It’s a windfall — a small fortune — for us here,” says Whistlepig. “And we really need it. The last few years have been very difficult for us,” he says.

While three straight years of budget cuts have sent Whistlepig scrambling to find inexpensive ways to do right by the important holiday, this year’s boost in funding means he now has a lot more leeway, financially speaking. But, not a lot more time.

“These events are planned well in advance and making last minute changes isn’t easy,” Whistlepig says.

In the space of a few days, he will have to order more food and more decorations. And, even more importantly, he says, he’d like to hire more musicians and other performers.

“In many ways, they’re the lifeblood of the festival,” he says.

Whistlepig, who has been organizing The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations for the past ten years, says he’s never grown tired of the work nor cynical about the event.

“This holiday is a major Park occasion. It signals the coming of Spring, the renewal of life, the hope of the future. It’s not just about a prediction; it’s about a certainty — the certainty that we have survived, and that we will thrive, no matter what we face,” Whistlepig proclaims.

And, as he is every year, Whistlepig is determined to make it a memorable event for all Park Animals.

“This is not a celebration to miss,” he says. “It is a very important part of The Park’s social season, and it speaks to our sense of ourselves as Park citizens. No one should miss it.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Archons plan to halt economic growth: think tank report

January 25, 2013 By Adelbert Mókus, TMD Financial Reporter

An independent think tank claims in a report that the 2013 Archons plan to halt the growth of The Park’s economy

The report of a Park think tank says the 2013 Archons plan to adopt policies that will halt the growth of The Park’s economy.

According to the Council of Independent Economic Advisors (CIEA), an independent think tank that is headquartered in The Park, the Archons, who have been in office only ten days, plan to reduce The Park’s economic expansion by discouraging the business community from increasing its footprint.

“Due to the political and economic philosophies of the overwhelming majority of the 2013 Archons, The Park’s economy will see little or no growth in the coming year, as businesses will be discouraged from expanding and extra-hortulanial trade (trade that occurs outside The Park) will be curtailed,” the report concludes.

Those who have read the report, which has not been released formally, say the CIEA is “overreaching” and has drawn conclusions based solely on the attitudes and opinions expressed by certain Archons before they were appointed on January 16, 2013.

“It is not clear from the report whether they [think tank members] are talking about intent or result,” said Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier during a panel discussion on Mammalian Daily Radio.

“Do they believe the Archons’ actions, driven by opinions they expressed in the  past, will lead to economic stagnation or do they believe that the Archons will, due to their opinions and beliefs, attempt to create that stagnation by purposely curtailing economic activity? I can’t say, for sure, nor can I say how accurate a forecast it [the report[ might be. But I do believe the Archons are wiser than the CIEA gives them credit for. Still, we won’t know until Groundhog Day (the day of the Archons’ first address to the citizens of The Park) what direction the Archons plan to take us in, economically or otherwise. Until then, everything is just speculation,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

Schedule of events for Groundhog Day celebrations released

January 24, 2013 By TMD Reporters

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has released the Official Schedule of the 2013 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a morning press conference, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced plans for what many have called the most lavish Groundhog Day celebrations in recent Park history.

“Those who attend the celebrations annually will note some additions to this year’s festival, including a Park Historical Society tribute to zoocracy and a number of surprises, in addition to the requisite components of the celebration,” she said.

And, once again, Mammalian Daily reporters will be blogging live from the celebrations, beginning at 06:00 on February 2.

Details of the festivities can be found by clicking here.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

« Previous Page
Next Page »

Follow Us

  • X
  • Facebook
  • YouTube

Mammalian Daily-Related Sites

  • The Park Census
  • The Park Museum
  • The University of West Terrier

The Mammalian Daily on Twitter

  • Chef Tab Tricolore
  • Gunnar Rotte
  • Hieronymous Hedgehog
  • Mammalian Daily
  • Media's Month Without Metaphor
  • Millicent Hayberry
  • Noreen
  • Park Groundhog Day Celebrations
  • Pieter Paard
  • PIFF Reports
  • Yannis Tavros

Welcome to the Media Circus!

Looking for something?

Archives

How wise you are to read this newspaper!

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

TMD quick links

  • TMD 101: A quick guide to reading The Mammalian Daily
  • The Best of Noreen
  • Interviews
  • Take Our Quick Quizzes!
  • Nostalgia: Celebrating 1,000 articles!

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

August 2025
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031
« Jul    

Contents Copyright © 2025 The Mammalian Daily