The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2017—Off the docket: Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon postpones February court

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonThe office of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon issued a statement today advising all concerned parties that the trials and hearings over which he was to preside in the remaining days of February will be postponed until March or later.

No reason for the postponement was cited in the statement, but sources close to Justice Dindon tell The Mammalian Daily that he has been feeling ill since Groundhog Day and that he is taking a few days off “on the advice of Dr. Bourru.”

Justice Dindon has kept a rigorous schedule over the past few years. As the only justice serving on The Park’s Superior Court for the past ten years, he has presided over thousands of trials. Despite that, he has resisted calls to hire an assistant justice. In an interview in late 2016, the justice said that he wasn’t against slowing down “at some point,” and might do so when he found “the right fit” for his court, but that he preferred to keep the lower court justices in place and continue presiding over the Superior Court.

The seven February trials and hearings that have been postponed include the request by Thisbe and the Barkettes for a cease and desist order against Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure. No dates have yet been set for the postponed court business.

On This Day—December 27, 2016: Bedfellows’ backing singer on bed rest after near-fatal attack outside Park

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Hugo PercevejoHugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, is on bed rest today after he suffered a near-fatal attack yesterday outside The Park.

According to Kalervo Lude, the group’s manager, Percevejo left The Park yesterday afternoon to visit friends in their new home. Their visit was interrupted by a gang of Humans who threw them out of the home after spraying them with some kind of toxic substance.

Lude said Percevejo told him he was “left to die” on the sidewalk but he managed to crawl back to The Park, where he was taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Unfortunately, Percevejo’s friends were not as lucky.

After spending the night in the hospital, the singer was sent home and told to remain on bed rest for a week.

The group’s members issued a statement early this afternoon, confirming that Percevejo will not be performing with them at Wednesday’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

“We are devastated by this event and its consequences to our beloved colleague and his friends. We are heartened that Hugo will recover, but our hearts are heavy with sorrow for those who will not,” the statement said in part.

According to Lude, the group will not be replacing Percevejo at Wednesday’s performance

On This Day—November 28, 2016: Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

On This Day—November 6, 2016: As POPS mega rally begins, Tavros gets support from 2016 Keeper of the Nut

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tavros-poster-sans-wallIn what many are calling a “November unnerving,” 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf announced late last night that he will attend today’s POPS All Candidates’ mega rally in support of Yannis Tavros.

Girraaf, who last year became the first large Animal elected by The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) to serve as Keeper of the Nut, says it’s “high time this position became more inclusive.”

In a radio interview this morning on Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, Girraaf said that Tavros’s candidacy is not only groundbreaking, but “the logistical extension of what Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon put in place in 2003, when he opened up the position to elections with candidates from all species.”

But SAHC president Malinda L. Hamster, who last year expressed great joy at her community’s decision to elect Girraaf, says she herself has reservations about electing Tavros to the position.

“It isn’t his species that bothers me; it’s his temperament. He fluctuates wildly in both opinion and mood and I know that it takes a more steady temperament to be POPS,” she says.

“It isn’t just about the prediction, which arguably any Animal of any size or species could do. It’s about dealing with the pressures, before, during, and after. Predictions are disputed, those elected POPS in the past have been vilified and threatened. I don’t believe Yannis Tavros has the temperament to withstand such criticism. And I know he doesn’t have the discipline to stay quiet while his prediction is disputed.”

Despite her reservations, Hamster says that should Tavros win the election, she will abide by the decision of The Park’s Animals.

“It is an election, after all. And we must have faith in our fellow citizens,” she says.

On This Day—November 1, 2016: Administration gives go-ahead to police for “stop and sniff,” but only for Humans

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FCSW President Gareth ShepherdIn a stunning reversal of policy, The Park’s administration has agreed to allow members of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) to use a long-forbidden but popular policing technique known as “stop and sniff.”

At a press conference this afternoon, Pia Hyena, chief negotiator for Park administration, confirmed that as of November 14, members of the FCSW will be allowed to use the technique, but only on Humans.

“This new right does not come without restrictions,” Hyena said, emphasizing that the administration would come down hard on any FCSW member who used the technique on Park residents.

Following the announcement, FCWS president Gareth Shepherd said his members were “grateful” that the administration had changed its position and thus acknowledged the difficulty of policing in The Park.

“I think we’ve gotten through to them, finally,” he said, as he left the press conference with Hyena.

Still, there are those who see this new right as merely a concession to the FCSW, whose members have been campaigning for years for the right to bite and threatened bark-to-rule action if they did not attain it this year.

But in a statement issued last month regarding ongoing negotiations with the FCSW, Hyena said the right to bite was “never on the table.”

“I do, however, look forward to a continuing and friendly relationship with the federation,” she said.

On This Day—October 11, 2016: Date of Snowbird Farewell changed

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Snowbird FarewellThe date of The Park’s annual Snowbird Farewell has been pushed back one week.

In a short statement released today, Public Relations Director Aintza Kanariar confirmed that the event will take place on October 19 from this year on.

No reason was given for the adjustment, but many in The Park’s weather-making and farming communities believe it is due to the warmer temperatures The Park has been experiencing over the last decades. Many in The Park’s business community are of the same belief.

“I agree with them,” Nicoletta Cardinale, owner of  STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS, told The Mammalian Daily this morning. Her travel agency, which specializes in migration travel, has seen its business plummet over the past few years and she attributes at least part of that to a change in The Park’s climate.

“Life here has become less challenging in the Winter months and many Birds are choosing to wait out the cold weather rather than risk travel,” she says.

Whatever the reason, The Park’s Avian community now officially has one extra week to prepare to leave or prepare to Winter in The Park.

On This Day—October 7, 2016: Officer charged with injuring Doe of Peace at PIFF after-after party

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Police Officer charged

FCSW officer Paulus Koer

A Park Police officer has been charged with two counts of biting after a member of The Park’s peacekeeping force was injured during an outbreak of violence at last night’s PIFF after-after party.

Witnesses say that Doe of Peace Rozmonda Ricke, was “just doing her job,” separating the crowd at The PurrBoy Café, when a member of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) approached her from behind and pulled her tail.

According to Ricke, who has been a member of the Does since the group was founded in 2014, there was “no time” to look around to see what was happening.

“I was focused on my job, which was to de-escalate the violence that suddenly had erupted at the café,” she said in a sworn statement early this morning.

When she did not respond to the tail-pulling, Paulus Koer, the FCSW officer, allegedly bit her on the back in an attempt to stop her from walking through the crowd. According to his statement, the second bite was necessary because the alleged victim “paid no attention to my first warning.”

The FCSW officer will appear in court today, where a date for trial will be set.

FCSW president Gareth Shepherd is expected to hold a press conference later this afternoon.

On This Day—August 15, 2016: “I smell a Rat,” Stinktier cries, as Rotte jailed after Stereotype Sunday stunt

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GunnarGunnar Rotte was hauled off to jail yesterday afternoon, after what he calls a “social experiment gone awry.”

According to a spokesAnimal for Park Police, The Rodent Commoner journalist was arrested for disturbing the peace and jailed for inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday.

The charges stem from Rotte’s actions yesterday, when he arrived at the weekly event disguised as a Skunk, claiming he was visiting family. Rotte contends he was trying to prove that Skunks receive more hospitality in The Park than Rats.

What he failed to anticipate, however, was that his “experiment” would offend Park Skunks.

It didn’t take long for him to find out, though. After about half an hour of walking around the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, tasting snacks and questioning other attendees, Faramund Stinktier, of the SCENTient Beings, outed him, declaring for all to hear, “I smell a Rat!”

The singer and composer, who was born a Skunk but now identifies as a Zebra, spoke to The Mammalian Daily by telephone this morning. He says he was incensed by the idea that a Rat would pose as a Skunk for the purpose of claiming that Skunks’ lives are easier than those of Rats.

“I may not feel in my heart as though I’m a Skunk, but I have experienced my entire life as a Skunk and I know it isn’t easy. We are are shunned by many, including Humans, and we suffer the same trauma as any other Animal in that position. I take offence to what Gunnar Rotte did and I believe he should apologize to the entire Skunk population of The Park,” he said.

Rotte will appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon. He will be represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

On This Day—July 28, 2016: Did DWBS Summer safety alert come too late for some?

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The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has come under heavy criticism for issuing its Summer security alert too late.

Yesterday’s alert, which is only the second Summer alert ever issued, warned Park Animals to be vigilant around Humans vacationing in The Park.

According to the DWBS communiqué, Park Animals should deal with Humans in a “professional” manner, refrain from befriending Human children, refuse all invitations to enter vehicles, and refuse any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.

“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during their time off work and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” the DWBS warned.

The alert is comprehensive. But critics say the delay in issuing it has cost some Animals their security and perhaps, in some cases, their lives.

“This alert should have been issued a month ago, at least. Six weeks ago would have been perfect,” says Delma Falter of The Park’s Missing Animals Registry.

Falter says that this Summer, she’s had the “very sad task” of adding names to the Registry.

“It’s a difficult thing to do. I deal with families reporting their friends, their mates, their young, missing. We try to give them hope, but the truth is many of them will never be found. And this Summer, the numbers have grown to the point where I would call it a crisis,” she said.

Other frontline workers agree.

Arrosa Katu of the Feral Cat Helpline says she and other volunteers have seen a record number of calls this year.

“I would say roughly four hundred per cent more, and during many of those calls, I’ve had to tell families to call the Missing Animals Registry,” she says.

Katu and Falter say much of this could have been avoided.

“The DWBS made a big mistake in waiting so long to issue the alert. Many of us would call it a fatal error,” says Falter.

Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427

On This Day in 2016: Draft Summit update: farmers demand end to Human Direct Investment in Park

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Draft with borderAfter two weeks of what appeared to be promising Tuesday and Thursday meetings, the Draft Summit talks have stalled, according to A.P. Civet, president of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We’ve come to an impasse,” Civet wrote in a press release on Friday morning.

But the issue that has stalled the talks—Human Direct Investment in The Park—has “absolutely nothing” to do with the problem the Summit was called to resolve, a frustrated Kalliope Sun Bear told Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Sun Bear, who represents the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), one of the three groups participating in the Summit, said that while she understood the SCPCPGF’s concerns about HDI, she thought the talks should focus on the issue at hand.

“The Summit was called to discuss the effects of technology on The Park’s food supply, but it’s now veered off in another direction entirely,” she said.

But Civet insists that unless HDI is dealt with swiftly, there will be no food to find, with or without apps.

“Unless we convince the Archons, the Park Finance Office, and the Department of Well-Being and Safety that allowing Humans to farm in The Park is a danger to our food supply, we have nothing to discuss with regard to technology. All the BulbBeacons, FoodFinders, SpinachSpotters, and TulipTrackers will come to nothing if we don’t take back control of our farmlands,” Civet wrote in the press release.

Human Direct Investment dates back to January of 2011, when the sitting Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Officers, agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. The agreement explicitly allowed for use of the land for the purpose of growing food for the exclusive consumption of Humans.  An investigation conducted five years ago by The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU) concluded that the HDI deal was responsible for some of the food shortages experienced in The Park. The Archons have never revealed what the PFO does with the monies collected from the rent.

In the press release, Civet wrote that he will not resume his place at the Summit table until he has met with the Archons, the PFO and the DWBS to discuss the issue. No meeting has yet been scheduled.

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