The Mammalian Daily

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Gossip site: We have photos of Archon in bed with Humans

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headsNtalesWHOA! BRAKING NEWS The gossip site headsNtales says it plans to publish a set of photos of 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo that show her in a compromising position with Humans.

In a post dated today, the site claimed to have in its possession fourteen photos of Bonobo sleeping in a bed between two adult Humans. Co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said she believes the incident in the photos took place in late April in a home outside The Park.

While the site has not yet identified the Humans in the photos, Guacamayo says there is no doubt about who is sleeping between them.

“It was completely by accident that we were able to get these photos and the reason we waited so long to disclose them is that we didn’t believe it, ourselves, at first. But there is no doubt in our minds that the Animal sleeping between these two Humans is, in fact, 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo,” Guacamayo told The Mammalian Daily.

Guacamayo said that she’d contacted Bonobo about the photos, but had received no reply. headsNtales intends to publish the photos this month.

If the photos are of Bonobo, it would be particularly embarrassing for her if they were published in June. Bonobo has been an outspoken supporter of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) and a vocal champion of the many refugee organizations in The Park. She has even been called “anti-Human,” which she has said she regards as a compliment.

As of the publication of this article, there has been no reaction from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu or any of Bonobo’s colleagues in the 2017 government.

WMPSAP shuts down Kuttu scheme to import weather for Agrarian Jubilee

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WeathermakersBREAKING NEWS: Less than a week before the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park has averted what its leaders are calling a “disaster for the ages.”

At an emotional press conference this morning, WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear revealed that early last week, she and the leader of another Park environmental group (whom she declined to name) were made aware of Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu’s plan to import weather from outside The Park in time for the Jubilee.

“In so many ways, this would have been a disaster—environmentally, economically, and socially, ” Sun Bear said, as she recounted her initial shock and then outlined her now successful plan to stop the importation.

“With all due respect to the Chief Archon, she does not, in our opinion, have the expertise to make any kind of weather selection or purchase, especially in haste,” Sun Bear said. “We have no idea what kind of harm could come to us from the ingredients in that weather.”

Immediately after Sun Bear got wind of the scheme, she rallied members of The Park’s environmental groups, including Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers, Skunks Against Gunk, and Skunks Über Vehicles (SUV) and they made a surprise visit to Kuttu.

Although Sun Bear did not elaborate on what she called the “heated exchange” that followed the ambush, she said they made it clear to Kuttu that Park citizens would not stand for weather purchases made by the ill-informed.

“We don’t doubt that our Chief Archon had good intentions,” Sun Bear said, acknowledging that recent weather patterns made it look as if it would be too cold to enjoy the outdoor event fully. “But damage to The Park is not mitigated by good intent. And, in our opinion, the environment comes before the economy and before our enjoyment.”

Domestic Animals have no control over their estates: UWT study

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dog-toysAt a time when Park residents are amassing greater amounts of wealth and material goods, a new study shows that Animals who live outside The Park have no legal control over their possessions during their lifetime and even afterwards.

The study, out of the University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law, shows that ninety-nine percent of Animals who live in domestic situations with Humans have to relinquish control of their possessions—including toys, food, beds, clothing and other accoutrements, and even trophies and awards—after they die and, in some cases, even before that.

The study was conducted by UWT Law Professor Fionnula Fox and a team of Chittenden research assistants. After extensive and multiple interviews with three thousand, five hundred domestic Animals of seventeen different species, the researchers concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions during or after their lifetime, even if those possessions had been purchased or won by the Animals themselves.

“It is a dismal situation for the domestics,” says Fox, an expert in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“We heard the same stories, over and over, from these poor creatures, some of whom had to witness their own possessions being handed over to other Animals right in front of them. Others told of witnessing the dying wishes of their friends and families ignored by Humans, sometimes resulting in the very possessions they had most treasured becoming trash,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

The conclusions drawn from these heartbreaking interviews will be published in the Journal of Extra-Hortulanial Law (JEHL) in June, coincidentally the same month that The Park has designated as Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

BREAKING: Archons to outlaw Humans’ use of Park Animals as transport

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horse-drawn-carriageBREAKING NEWS
In a surprise announcement at a press briefing this afternoon, the Archons’ spokesAnimal, Balthasar Alouatta, said the Archons plan to enact legislation that will outlaw the use of our citizens and residents as transport for Humans both within and outside Park boundaries. He said the law will come into effect in early April.

Calling the new law “the first in a suite of laws that will codify the relationship between Park Animals and Humans,” Alouatta confirmed the Archons’ desire to “delineate formally the boundaries of the rights, abilities, and obligations of Humans as regards The Park’s population.”

“The Archons feel that the fluid relationship between Humans and Park Animals that has existed for decades must come to an end. Now that we have a mature zoocracy, they feel it is time to formally codify that relationship,” he said.

Although Alouatta did not take questions at the briefing, he did acknowledge the “many considerations” and difficulties that some Park Animals would experience as a result of the new legislation.

“It is not the intention of the Archons to make life difficult for Park Animals,” Alouatta said. “Rather, it is their intention to ensure that Park Animals will be treated with fairness and respect by Humans, now and in the years to follow,” he said.

DWBS confirms detailed map of Park found outside official boundaries

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map-of-parkThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has confirmed that a map of The Park has been found outside our official boundaries.

In a short statement issued this morning, the department confirmed that a map of The Park that shows the location of some of our government institutions and businesses was found on the ground outside the western border.

According to the statement, the department was advised of the map’s existence early this month by Park police, who said a citizen who encountered it while travelling outside The Park surrendered it to them.

The map is not an official Park map, but one that the department believes was drawn by a Human who had visited The Park or had some knowledge of it.

Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the DWBS, has confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that the department will hold a press conference this coming week to discuss the details and possible ramifications of the situation.

Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

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3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

Archons, DWBS condemn “Cultivate Cuteness” campaign

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cuteness-postersThe Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) have issued a warning about a new campaign that has taken hold in The Park.

At a press conference early this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, condemned “in no uncertain terms” the campaign that advises Park Animals to “cultivate cuteness” in order to make themselves attractive to Humans.

“No matter what challenges we face in The Park, selling ourselves to Humans is not the solution,” Alouatta said. “We condemn in no uncertain terms this campaign that undermines our efforts to bring about fairness and equality for all. We are committed to Animal self-rule and we will not back down from it, even in the face of economic challenges and interspecial disharmony.”

The DWBS also had a warning for the campaign’s organizers:

“We will remain vigilant against your anti-zoocratic efforts and we will not hesitate to prosecute should any of The Park’s laws be broken,” Kakapo said.

Archons set to restrict Animals’ right to leave Park: rumour

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Bird On TravelingBREAKING NEWS
The 2017 Archons may be planning to enact legislation that restricts Park Animals’ right to leave The Park.

According to a post dated today on the gossip web site headsNtales, the Archons are considering unprecedented measures to restrict the free movement of Park citizens, as well as the free flow of goods.

Site co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes “sources close to the Archons” as saying that talks are underway with legal and financial consultants to determine the feasibility of travel  and trade restrictions.

According to Guacamayo’s sources, the main problem appears to be the lack of power that Park legal representatives have in matters affecting Animals who have been charged or detained outside The Park.

That lack of power was the subject of a panel discussion this morning on Mammalian Daily Radio. During the discussion, University of West Terrier Law Professor Fionnula Fox, an expert in Extra-Hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) told the panel, “It does not lie within our jurisdiction to represent Park Animals who have been charged with some form of wrongdoing outside The Park. Nor are we able to prosecute Humans on their own lands who have wronged Park Animals.”

According to Fox, the legal problem has given birth to a financial burden that Park Archons say the budget is not equipped to deal with.

“Without legal standing outside The Park, we must use the resources of our police and other specialized forces to extricate Park Animals from detention. Many see this as not just a financial burden, but a misuse or unnecessary use of our limited resources,” she said.

Although Fox did not say whether she agreed with the direction the Archons are said to be taking, she said trade restrictions might be a step in the right direction.

“Right now, we have to rely on the goodwill of Humans. We have to convince them to cooperate with us. Restricting their access to our goods might be one way of bringing more balance to the situation,” she said.

Off the docket: Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon postpones February court

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonBREAKING NEWS The office of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon issued a statement today advising all concerned parties that the trials and hearings over which he was to preside in the remaining days of February will be postponed until March or later.

No reason for the postponement was cited in the statement, but sources close to Justice Dindon tell The Mammalian Daily that he has been feeling ill since Groundhog Day and that he is taking a few days off “on the advice of Dr. Bourru.”

Justice Dindon has kept a rigorous schedule over the past few years. As the only justice serving on The Park’s Superior Court for the past ten years, he has presided over thousands of trials. Despite that, he has resisted calls to hire an assistant justice. In an interview in late 2016, the justice said that he wasn’t against slowing down “at some point,” and might do so when he found “the right fit” for his court, but that he preferred to keep the lower court justices in place and continue presiding over the Superior Court.

The seven February trials and hearings that have been postponed include the request by Thisbe and the Barkettes for a cease and desist order against Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure. No dates have yet been set for the postponed court business.

Noreen pens heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world”

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noreen-tweetMAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

Noreen has penned a heartfelt open letter to the “Humans of the world.”

The longtime Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier Adjunct Professor of Human Studies tweeted this morning that she “could not stay silent for long” and that she would post her open letter to the Humans of the world “soon.”

This afternoon, she sat down with our Human Affairs Reporter to discuss the letter and her need to speak out about recent events in the Human world.

In that interview, Noreen explained that she had long been an observer of Humans and their behaviour and that, unlike many other Animals, she had a “soft spot” for the species, despite their sometimes odious behaviour.

“It is a fraught relationship in many ways, and that is largely their fault,” she said. “But I’ve lived with and around Humans my whole life and they’ve been good to me. I’ve never tried to disguise that fact. Humans have very little understanding of themselves and as I watch them lurch toward the abyss, I feel a certain responsibility to save them.”

She said that although her letter was an attempt to do just that, she had no expectations that it would change anything.

“Humans retain a certain stubbornness, even in the face of insight,” she said.

The following is the opening portion of her letter, which she is allowing only The Mammalian Daily to publish:

My dear Humans of the world,

I’m quite sure you have no idea who I am. Even if you did know my name, you would have no familiarity with my work or my beliefs and I understand that. Most of what I say you cannot hear; neither can you read in my language. That is why I am writing this in yours.

I have been an observer of your behaviour for a long time—almost my whole life. From an early age, I realized that many other Animals found your behaviour incomprehensible, but I was determined to decode it,  to understand who you were and what you wanted. My desire to do that was so strong that studying you became my life’s work.

As an advice columnist and a researcher in Human studies, it has been my greatest privilege to have had the opportunity to explain you— your beliefs, your needs, and your desires—to a broad range of other species who have benefitted from my knowledge in countless ways. So it is with great confidence that I approach this task of explaining you to you.

I ask only that you hear me out, that you consider carefully my observations, and that you accept this letter as a gift from me to a species I have long admired, a species for whom I wish only good things, however they may come.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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