The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Last Shakeoff of 2017 is tomorrow

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Come on down and share your hair!

That’s the message of organizers of the last Shakeoff of 2017, which begins at ten o’clock tomorrow morning.

The semi-annual “hair-raising” event is all about “Animals helping Animals” in the lead-up to Winter, organizing committee head Andras Yak says.

“Our goal is simple: We need to raise as much hair as we can to help those who cannot grow an adequate coat but who need to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

The last few years, Yak says, the two annual events have raised over five tonnes of hair for those in need.

“Our senior residents, in particular, were very grateful for the yield,” Yak says. “And we’re hoping to surpass that this year.”

Also making a return appearance are the on-site groomers, who are offering free, new hairstyles to participants. And, of course, there will be lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station, Florette’s Fine Edibles, Ants in Your Pantry, The Compost Heap, Clowder, and The Nut Bar.

So, remember:  “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

The Shakeoff runs tomorrow from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park

Holstein Fashion plans June launch of scent to support EDAM, EQUALSS

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grazecroppedHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, will continue its charitable work this year by launching a new scent, GRAZE, that will benefit enforced domestication awareness (EDAM) as well as the company’s own charity, EQUALSS.

A statement released this morning by company president and CEO Balbina Ko included an invitation to all Park residents to the June 15 launch party at the Reek-O-Rama.

“Please join us to celebrate the strides we’ve made in enforced domestication awareness and in achieving equality among the species, especially the striped and spotted,” the invitation reads.

In the statement, Ko describes the scent as having “notes of grass, fresh rain, and clotted earth, combined in such a way as to be reminiscent of peaceful Summer days away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.”

While the scent will be the star of the launch party, the celebration of equality and Animal self-rule will be the theme, Ko told The Mammalian Daily. All attendees will receive a sample of the scent and all proceeds from its sale in June and July will go to enforced domestication awareness. After that, the proceeds will be split between EDAM and Holstein Fashion’s own charity, EQUALSS, which supports equality for the striped and spotted.

All The Hair I Left Behind: Barkettes to donate new song to EDAM cause

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barkettes-all-the-hair-i-left-behindOnce again demonstrating their generosity of spirit, Thisbe and the Barkettes have donated the proceeds from their newest song to the cause of Enforced Domestication Awareness.

In an open letter published today, The Park’s most famous Canine singing group said it would be “their great honour” to donate the proceeds of the song, “All The Hair I Left Behind” to the cause of preventing the enforced domestication of Animals.

“As you know, some of us in the group spent our youth as domestic Animals and although we were lucky enough not to have suffered in that situation, we are well aware of the plight of others,” the letter begins.

The new song, which was recorded in studio just a month ago, will be available for purchase at stores throughout The Park, as well as at all EDAM events. Sources also say a pop-up shop will open during June, but The Mammalian Daily could not confirm that with Rotunda Records, Iglu Entertainment, or the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft.

Last Shakeoff of 2016 on today

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The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

The  semi-annual Shakeoff runs until 8 p.m.

Come on down and share your hair!

That’s the message of organizers of the last Shakeoff of 2016, which begins at ten o’clock this morning.

The semi-annual “hair-raising” event is all about “Animals helping Animals” in the lead-up to Winter, organizing committee head Andras Yak says.

“Our goal is simple: We need to raise as much hair as we can to help those who cannot grow an adequate coat but who need to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

The last few years, Yak says, the two annual events have raised over five tonnes of hair for those in need.

“Our senior residents, in particular, were very grateful for the yield,” Yak says. “And we’re hoping to surpass that this year.”

Also making a return appearance are the on-site groomers, who are offering free, new hairstyles to participants. And, of course, there will be lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station, Florette’s Fine Edibles, Ants in Your Pantry, The Compost Heap, Clowder, and The Nut Bar.

So, remember:  “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park

The Beats gets bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today

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Beats of Burden logo“Bigger” and “better” were the words most often uttered this morning as Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox announced the lineup for the fourth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“We know that bigger isn’t always better, but in this case it is,” Ox told the throng of reporters outside The Draft, the pub that he and his Beasts of Burden bandmates own.

“We asked ourselves, what could make this event better? How do we stay true to our purpose without this becoming just another music festival?”

The answer to that question, Ox said, was to bring the musical and other acts closer to that purpose.

“We want The Park’s refugees, who are the festival’s raison d’être, to always be within your sight or hearing. We want you —no matter what you’re listening to, no matter what you’re watching, no matter what you’re eating—to have our refugees front and centre in your mind. Yes, we want you to have a Whale of a time, and that’s no pun. NIML will be at the festival, down by the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. But we also want you to remember that this is a charity festival, a festival with a purpose, not just a Porpoise,” he said, as the crowd groaned.

As far as the music lineup goes, many of these groups have performed at the festival before: Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, Jargohead, Fish Rap, and The DomEstyx.

But there are newcomers, such as Belles and Whistles and Memes of Production and up-and-comers, including Erdferkel!, plucked just past Friday from the Beats in the Bar (formerly the Open Mic at The Draft), as well as last year’s pick, The Crumb Seekers.

Even bigger musical news comes in the form of Last Stand, the band whose members all hail from endangered species, and ZEAL, who begged off last year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice because he refused to play at the same event as the SCENTient Beings’ Faramund Stinktier. The Beats will feature both, though they’ll play at different venues.

As well, Ox said he personally invited The Endeka Elephant Band, whose bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed this summer on a trip home to Africa. The band agreed to play on two of the three days of the festival, and Ox said he took that as a compliment.

“Zuberi Tembo was a refugee and I think the band wanted to honour that,” he said.

This year’s festival will introduce a new category, Spoken Word Extemporaneous (SWE), which Ox said he’s particularly excited about. And the comedy portion will feature Dalmanik and Woodruff Dalmatio, with a few “surprises” in store for Saturday.

Another first for the festival is the Rodent gymnastic troupe, “Out of the Box.” Ox was also proud to announce that the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk had agreed to resurrect their 2014 exhibit, “From Fear to Freedom,” which highlights the art of The Park’s refugees.

As usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction.

With all that, and the “long list of surprises” that Ox boasted about, it’s hard not to believe that this bigger Beats will be even better.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 16-18 September 2016.

All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

ZEAL to perform at Stereotype Sunday

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ZEALPopular Park singer ZEAL will perform at tomorrow’s Stereotype Sunday, it was announced today.

In a press release issued this afternoon, ZEAL’s manager, Lukas Numbat, confirmed the singer’s participation in the weekly event:

“It is with great pleasure that I announce on behalf of ZEAL that he will be performing tomorrow at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre during The Park’s Stereotype Sunday.”

According to the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the event’s host, ZEAL will receive no compensation for his performance.

“It is not our policy to pay Animals who attend the event,” says Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the DWBS.

This is the first time that any artist has performed at the event. Special guests in the past have included historians and other academics, and experts in the field of mental health.

According to Kakapo, ZEAL’s performance came via a suggestion from Holstein Fashion president Balbino Ko, who has agreed to cover ZEAL’s costs, including transportation, food, and accommodation for his band and backing singers. A passionate advocate for The Park’s striped and spotted population, ZEAL has performed at charity events in support of Holstein Fashion’s EQUALSS charity.

ZEAL is expected to use the occasion to debut his new single, “Crossing the Line.” Kakapo says he expects tomorrow’s event to be “extremely well-attended.”

Shakeoff 2016: “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t!”

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The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

The Park’s semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

The first Shakeoff of 2016 begins at ten o’clock this morning.

The semi-annual event, formerly known as the Shake for Charity, is “all about Animals helping Animals,” says organizing committee head Andras Yak.

“Our goal [in collecting hair] is to help those who cannot grow an adequate coat, for whatever reason. They need to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

New this year is the participation of a number of groups from species who don’t have hair or fur.

“We’re very proud that our Arthropods and our friends in the Fish community will be in attendance to assist us. They’ll be collecting hair, and serving refreshments,” Yak says.

Making a return appearance will be the on-site groomers, including KwikLiks, who will be offering free, new hairstyles to participants.

“And, of course, there will be lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Florette’s Fine Edibles, The Nut Bar, Ants in Your Pantry, Clowder, The Cackling Goose and The Draft,” says Yak.

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park.

Fowl Ball organizers on second annual event: “We are all systems go!”

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Fowl Ball

This year’s Fowl Ball will be bigger and better than the first, organizers promise

The bands have been booked, the food’s been arranged, and the items that will appear on the auction block are awe-inspiring.

“We are all systems go!,” says Rafael Ortega, the event’s chief organizer.

With a year’s experience under his beak and already having dealt with a difficult situation (last year’s grooming house stampede), Ortega says he’s ready for anything but “expecting nothing out of the ordinary” this year.

“This year will make last year look like it was a rehearsal,” he says, as he struts around his office.

Claiming that he has “assurances” from The Park’s grooming houses that they’re prepared for the onslaught of pre-Ball customers, he says he can relax for a week or two before gearing up again in May.

“There is no chance that we will see a repeat of last year’s tragedy,” he states firmly. “We had no idea how successful the event would be in its inaugural year, nor how hungry Park Animals were for a more formal post-Winter celebration.”

Indeed, he believes, this year’s attendance should be even higher, given the difficult Winter The Park experienced this year.

“We’re looking forward to higher numbers, more fun, and even more funding for the cause of Avian aid,” he says.

The Park’s second annual Fowl Ball will take place on Sunday, May 31, 2015. Tickets go on sale April 15 and will be available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

Ready, set, go! The Shakeoff starts now!

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The Park's semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m.

Our semi-annual Shakeoff runs today until 8 p.m. at locations across The Park

The Shakeoff (formerly known as the “Shake for Charity”) is in full swing in The Park today.

The semi-annual charity event “is all about Animals helping Animals” in the lead-up to Winter, says organizing committee head Andras Yak.

“Our goal is to enable those who cannot grow an adequate coat, for whatever reason, to be protected from the harsh elements of the seasons.”

Last September, the event yielded one tonne (yes, you read that correctly!) of hair, all of which came in handy during the unusually cold Winter.

“Our senior residents, in particular, were very grateful for the yield,” Yak says. “And we’re hoping to surpass that this year.”

Also making a return appearance are the on-site groomers who are offering free, new hairstyles to participants and, of course, lots and lots of refreshments courtesy of Florette’s Fine Edibles, The Nut Bar, Ants in Your Pantry, and Clowder.

So, remember:  “If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”

The Shakeoff runs today from 10:00 a.m. to 8 p.m. at locations across The Park

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