The Mammalian Daily

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Archives for June 2024

OTD in 2014—Feline Fiction Fest to honour Nestor

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Nestor B&WDomestic Canine poetry may be all the rage these days, but the Feline Fiction Fest intends to honour one of its own this year: the late, great Park poet and renowned scientist, Nestor P. Cat.

In a statement released today, principal organizer Corazón Oncilla confirmed that the festival has planned an elaborate tribute to the much-beloved Park citizen.

The tribute, which will take place the evening of June 17th, will include a dinner, a reading of some of Nestor’s poetic works, a short film about his life, and the introduction of a poetry prize in his name to be awarded annually, starting with next year’s festival.

“Nestor was a very important Cat, not just in the world of poetry and science, but as a citizen of The Park. We are privileged to have the opportunity to honour him in this way,” Oncilla said.

Tickets for the tribute may be purchased at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre until June 17th.

The 16th annual Feline Fiction Fest will take place June 16-18.

OTD in 2017—Holstein Fashion plans June launch of scent to support EDAM, EQUALSS

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grazecroppedHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, will continue its charitable work this year by launching a new scent, GRAZE, that will benefit enforced domestication awareness (EDAM) as well as the company’s own charity, EQUALSS.

A statement released this morning by company president and CEO Balbina Ko included an invitation to all Park residents to the June 15 launch party at the Reek-O-Rama.

“Please join us to celebrate the strides we’ve made in enforced domestication awareness and in achieving equality among the species, especially the striped and spotted,” the invitation reads.

In the statement, Ko describes the scent as having “notes of grass, fresh rain, and clotted earth, combined in such a way as to be reminiscent of peaceful Summer days away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.”

While the scent will be the star of the launch party, the celebration of equality and Animal self-rule will be the theme, Ko told The Mammalian Daily. All attendees will receive a sample of the scent and all proceeds from its sale in June and July will go to enforced domestication awareness. After that, the proceeds will be split between EDAM and Holstein Fashion’s own charity, EQUALSS, which supports equality for the striped and spotted.

OTD in 2015—By invitation: Feral Four to perform newest song at Feline Fiction Fest

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FelineFictionFest croppedFor the first time in its history, the Feline Fiction Fest will add a musical component to its literary celebration. And the music will be supplied by The Feral Four.

The addition to the programme was announced this morning in this joint statement released by the literary festival’s organizers and by Colony Records, the group’s label:

“The Feline Fiction Fest is pleased to announce that The Feral Four has accepted our invitation to perform at our 2015 festival, which takes place June 16-18. The group has generously offered to perform six concerts in total: afternoon and evening concerts on each of the three days of the festival. They will also be introducing their newest song, TNR, in honour of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.”

The Park’s Social media sites lit up as soon as the statement was released, in part due to the fact that the group hasn’t performed alone in almost four years.

“The Feral Four performing SIX count ’em concerts at FFF! We’ll be there! #fictionneversoundedsogood” wrote the group’s fan club on gaggle.

OTD in 2004—Tartan Crab found ripped to pieces; domestic Dogs held for questioning

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dogjailForensic experts were on the scene within minutes after the discovery early Saturday morning of the scattered remains of the Tartan Crab.

Following a set of events that some have described as “bizarre,” two domestic Dogs were last seen entering police headquarters. The Dogs, whose names have not been released, were taken in for questioning immediately following the preliminary investigation of the Crab’s demise.

Witnesses at the scene said both Dogs were seen hovering around pieces of the Crab’s stuffing, which lay scattered on the walkway in front of the Reek-o-Rama.

Detectives called to the scene estimated the time of devastation to have been between 9:30 and 10:00 am EDT.

At press time, it was rumoured that neither Canine had a suitable alibi for the time period.

“It was exactly the time that they go for their walk together,” said a witness who asked not to be named for this report. “They were probably waiting to be put on their leashes,” he said, confirming suspicions that the Dogs were known to each other. Whether or not they were known to the Tartan Crab has yet to be determined.

“It’s all part of this new generation of Dogs,” the witness continued. “They’re not properly trained and they’re forced to spend too much time alone. It’s natural that anger would start to build up in them.”

This view was echoed by resident Park analyst, Elinore E. Owl.

“Stuffed toys are an easy target for domestic Animals who cannot or will not control their hostile tendencies,” she said.

Nestor, for his part, was reported in stable condition after receiving treatment for shock at Dr. Bourru’s office. Nestor was found in an immobilized state at the scene of the crime on Saturday morning. The Tartan Crab had been the Cat’s pet for little more than a week.

One witness, in tears, appealed to the public to find the perpetrator of this heinous crime as soon as possible.

“As you know, Nestor was abandoned at a young age, and he was just getting to the point of being able to bond again. This is certainly going to make things that much harder for him,” she said.

Meanwhile, people gathered in The Park today to mourn the Tartan Crab’s untimely passing. A makeshift monument was set up near the Wishing Well and a small pond has been renamed in his honour. A fund has also been established to support research that might help prevent similar acts of violence in the future.

“We cannot risk becoming a carbon copy of the Human world,” said one Giraffe.

OTD in 2016—Members of Park’s endangered species feel stigmatized: study

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Extinction AnxietyA new study out of the University of West Terrier says that Extinction Anxiety (EA) is not the only mental health issue faced by members of The Park’s endangered species.

In a paper scheduled for publication in the August issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP), researchers report that Animals who are formally classified as members of endangered species feel the identification stigmatizes them. This makes them loath to admit to their status publicly and to take advantage of the related benefits to which they are entitled.

“We were surprised at first by the findings,” the study’s lead researcher, psychology professor Dr. Luule Aednik, said in an exclusive interview with The Mammalian Daily.

“Our natural reaction is to think they would welcome the empathy or sympathy of their fellow Park citizens. But when we dug deeper into the endangered experience, we realized these Animals were dealing with something much more insidious and almost as dangerous. And that is the unsympathetic attitude they experience from other species,” Aednik said.

Aednik explained that since survival itself remains the fundamental and overarching ethos of The Park, those who are marked as non-survivors—even generations hence—can experience unfair treatment and may even feel ostracized by members of other species.

“In a Park in which survival is a key component of self-esteem, members of endangered species feel the stigma profoundly, even without the attendant problems of low income, low employment levels, and a lack of support from other communities,” she said.

Referring to the background of the study, Aednik said she was moved to investigate when she read about the low levels of participation in the Department of Well-Being and Safety’s Endangered Species Benefit Programme (ESBP).

“In a way, that defied logic. I sensed there was a problem here that was worth investigation,” she said.

Aednik said she and her fellow researchers will continue to study citizens’ reactions to endangered species and she hopes the information will spark conversation among members of non-endangered species.

OTD in 2012—Advice columnist to join UWT Human Studies department

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Official NoreenPopular Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen, will assume a new set of duties this Autumn, when she becomes Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier’s newly-formed department of the same name.

Noreen, who is known for her signature quotation, “Humans — they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one,” is considered to be The Park’s foremost expert on Human behaviour.

“She is definitely the go-to Animal when it comes to understanding Humans,” said the President of the University in a statement released today.

“For that reason, among others, we believed she would be a great asset to the department and to our student body. We are extremely happy that she accepted our invitation and we are honoured to have her on staff.”

The new department, which is scheduled to begin offering classes in the Autumn of 2012, has appointed three other faculty members, one of whom will serve as departmental head.

In a telephone interview, Noreen confirmed that she intends to continue writing her Mammalian Daily advice column and “looks forward to combining these two careers.”

OTD in 2013—Animals celebrate as newspaper declares Humans extinct

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Animals celebratePark Animals broke into a spontaneous celebration yesterday, after the Insect Intelligencer declared the Human species to be extinct.

In a bold headline splashed across its front page, the Intelligencer announced, “Human species extinct scientific body confirms.”

The headline and related story turned out to be a hoax perpetrated on the paper and The Park by two of the daily’s reporters. In a statement on the paper’s web site, editor-in-chief Fannia di Volo apologized to the public for the distasteful prank and assured Park residents that the two reporters, whose names have not been released for security reasons, have been dismissed. The article was published without bylines.

“Their actions will be dealt with in the near future,” the statement concluded.

Within a few hours, all copies of the paper had been pulled from Park stores and di Volo had contacted all subscribers and media outlets to advise them of the situation.

Di Volo confirmed later in the day that a “full-scale” internal investigation of the incident had been launched. Some related associations and agencies, including the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), and the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN) have begun their own investigations.

Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and Executive Director of the ANMPN said he was distressed by the incident, calling it “vile” and a threat to all Park newspapers.

“Our credibility is at stake here,” he said. “This is a very serious breach of protocol and ethics.”

One of The Park’s oldest newspapers, The Insect Intelligencer was once considered one of our most authoritative and upstanding dailies. But, plagued by problems and scandals over the past few years, the paper has changed course several times and some say it appears to have lost its footing. Two years ago, it ceased publication temporarily due to a scandal and the arrest of five of its reporters. The scandal and the subsequent suspension of its popular Fly on the Wall feature resulted in a marked decrease in the paper’s readership. As of yesterday, there were no plans to alter the format or mission of the paper.

See also:

Scandal rocks Insect Intelligencer
One Human dead, reporter held for questioning outside Park
Archons at work behind scenes to secure reporter’s release

OTD in 2014—Data Retrievers: Meet Park Police’s new partners in Tree hacking investigation

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Data RetrieversPark Police announced today that they have partnered with a private firm of data Retrievers to aid them in their investigation into April’s Data Tree hacking.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed that Park Police have engaged the services of AROO, a private data retrieval company, in the hopes of locating some of the data lost when the Tree was hacked.

“These are skilled data Retrievers,” Fossa said. “It is our hope that they will be able to sniff out some of the Tree’s lost data.”

Fossa stressed that this is an independent investigation and not connected to the one in which Police are already engaged.

“Whether or not we are ever able to ascertain the perpetrator of the crime and whether or not we are then able to bring that perpetrator to justice, we need to try to find the lost data. AROO has a solid history in data retrieval and we are confident that our partnership with them will bring results,” she said.

Some observers, though skeptical of the plan, point to The Park’s limitations when it comes to prosecuting Humans and others who live outside The Park. According to the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Humans may, indeed, be responsible for the Tree hacking.

“As I have said in the past, it does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“For this reason, I applaud Park Police for making an effort to rectify the damage done in concert with attempting to find the perpetrator,” she said.

Sierpinski Squirrel said he was “cautiously optimistic” when informed of the plan. The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners stands to gain the most from this new partnership, as his company stored the major part of its data in the Oak Tree that was hacked.

OTD in 2014—Fowl Ball shines light on Avian plight

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Fowl BallNotwithstanding the unfortunate grooming house incident, Saturday’s first annual Fowl Ball was a great success, according to both organizers and attendees.

“We raised more funds than we ever thought possible,” said chief organizer Rafael Ortega at an after-party at his home.

“But I think where we did the best…and I would say we triumphed…was in raising awareness of the plight of our Avian community and of Avians in general,” he said.

Ortega, who spoke briefly at the Ball, credited his fellow organizers, the Ball’s dedicated contributors, and the “brilliant” musicians and other performers with making the event “five hundred times better than we ever could have imagined.”

Banded Brothers kicked things off with with a rousing rendition of “Surround Sound,” followed by their mega-hit, “ididitfortheband.” More music followed from The Tweeters and The Beasts of Burden, while Jargonhead demonstrated the reason he is so beloved in The Park.

A series of auctions punctuated the performances (there were seven auctions in all) and halfway through the evening, the stage was given over to a small group of Avian activists. They addressed the massive crowd of Animals, who were all decked out in their finery, clearly enjoying a good time.

“We certainly don’t want to bring you down,” they said, “but we want you to understand the reason you’re here.”

A short video, produced by the group, demonstrated the problems of the Avian community, particularly during migration.

“We try our best but the world is changing before our eyes and we can’t always see the danger ahead,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, an group that offers aid to Avian immigrants. As she spoke, photographs of Birds who had been injured after they crashed into glass buildings flew across the screen, shocking many who had not realized the extent of Avian suffering.

But perhaps the most moving speech of the night was that of Philippe Sauvage, lead singer of the Feline band, The Feral Four. He spoke with sincerity and the depth of his emotion surprised the crowd.

“I harbour deep regret for the misery that my community has brought on the Avian community,” he said, as he promised to work for the good of all species in the future.

OTD in 2015—Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: Schedule of Events released

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Enforced Domestication 1The 2015 Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, have released the official schedule of events for Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a short speech this morning during which she declared the event open, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo seemed visibly moved as she spoke of her pride in the growth of the month-long event.

“This is only our third Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, yet we have seen such an increase not only in our awareness, but in our willingness to talk about this issue. I take great pride in my involvement and I want to say that I am proud and humbled by our formerly domesticated citizens, whose bravery in discussing the reality of their lives inspires me every day of every month.

I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin,” she said.

This year’s events have expanded in number and location to include several Park art galleries, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and most Park shops and grooming houses.

The official schedule of events will be posted at the law courts, the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and at all Park shops. The Mammalian Daily will also issue a pullout printed version, as well as posting the schedule online.

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