The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for June 2026

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: Kiss me quick

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I was adopted a year ago by a pair of Humans. Almost everything is perfect, but one thing puzzles me. From the beginning, these Humans have had the strange habit of placing their lips on the top of my head. This action lasts only a second and it culminates in a soft, smacking sound.

Now, I am not a puppy; I have been sniffed, chewed, nuzzled, and licked, but I have never had anyone plant their lips on me. Can you tell me what the significance of this gesture is? Should I be worried about it? — PERPLEXED

DEAR PERPLEXED: The action you describe is known as “kissing.” (This is not to be confused, of course, with “hissing,” which is something else altogether, especially when performed by our Feline friends.)

Kissing is a holdover from days gone by and, in the Human world, it serves no other purpose than to transfer a feeling of affection from one individual to another. Though it seems primitive to us (not to mention downright useless), Humans make quite a thing of it. They’ve even developed a number of different forms of kissing and their pride in that achievement has led them to write long treatises on the subject and to fill whole stanzas of poetry with recollections of their kissing events.

There’s no need to fret, though; the gesture, itself, is entirely harmless. But, only you can decide whether it is right for you.

As for my personal tastes, anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at it, but I wouldn’t want to live with one…or be kissed by one, either.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

OTD in 2016—Memes of Production, Beasts of Burden to join pop-up at Cackling Goose tonight

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Cackling Goose TavernBREAKING NEWS

The Memes of Production and The Beasts of Burden will join a number of their fellow musicians and some Park poets, spoken word artists, and storytellers at a special pop-up event tonight at The Cackling Goose Tavern.

The free event, which will be held in honour of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) was announced on GooseBook late this morning by owner Brantford Gander. By noon, it had received forty thousand “honks,” with many of those honkers confirming their attendance.

In a statement posted after the event’s announcement, Gander explained that he had missed the deadline to participate in the month-long awareness event, but that his species—and all Birds—are vulnerable to enforced domestication and to “the whims of Humans.”

“We can’t take our freedom for granted. We must be vigilant but also look out for each other,” he said.

According to the announcement, the concert, readings, and storytelling will be a celebration of that freedom. Domestication survivor and 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award winner Hercule Parrot will also join the lineup. In 2013, Parrot spoke openly about his relationship with a Human at an EDAM event.

OTD in 2014—Two years on, striped and spotted Animals see little economic progress

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PFO figures released

New PFO figures show few changes for striped and spotted Animals

Two years ago, economic figures released by the Park Finance Office confirmed definitively that The Park’s striped and spotted Animals were having a more difficult time finding full-time employment than those who had coats of solid or mixed colours. Now, after the release of the PFO’s latest report, it appears that little has changed.

The statistics, which are known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats,” are collected annually by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. They are used by the Finance Office and the governing Archons to aid them in assessing the Park’s social and economic progress. The reaction to today’s release was anger from a number of The Park’s citizen groups.

“This is an outrage,” said Aiofe Badger in a radio interview this morning. Badger, who is President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band is a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. His group is now calling for a full study of the situation, including a plan for its resolution.

“We knew things were bad, but we let ourselves believe we were making progress. Obviously, we were mistaken,” he said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, says she supports a full inquiry, but she also questions the accuracy of the figures.

“I actually think things are worse and, if I may say, worse even for the spotted than for the striped,” she says.

Former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, current Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony, said she wasn’t surprised by the figures.

“Clearly, we haven’t done nearly enough,” she says. “‘Stereotype Sundays’ and the establishment of the Centre are only a beginning. We have to dig deeper to find the roots of this prejudice [against the striped and spotted] and figure out why it persists. That is our only hope,” she says.

See also:
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species
Centre for Interspecial Harmony opens

OTD in 2012—Food production scandal rocks Park

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Police investigation found some food grown in The Park is not destined for Animals’ use

Portions of The Park’s farmland are being used to produce food for consumption by Humans who live outside The Park, Police have concluded.

At a press conference held early this morning, B.N.L.Valerian Beetle, Head of The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU), confirmed the findings of the Unit’s year-long investigation.

“This has been a long and intensive investigation, conducted over the past twelve months and it includes data from each of the last four seasons,” Beetle said.

The investigation, which involved data-gathering both inside and outside The Park, was initiated after a series of meetings between Park Police and members of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We knew that something was terribly wrong,” said SCPCPGF President, A.P. Civet, when she spoke briefly at the end of the press conference.

“We’d been keeping our eyes on these pieces of land for some time…we had permission to seed them and, then, we noticed plants growing in the places we’d planned to seed.”

The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons announced that they were looking at ways to maximize The Park’s food-producing lands. At the time, the Society said it intended to act as a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

At the press conference, Beetle confirmed that the investigation is ongoing, but said there are no known suspects “at this time.”

“We are working on several leads and encourage any Animals who may have seen suspicious activity in the areas of these lands to come forward with information,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Tricolore book “strong contender” at 2013 literary festivals

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Tricolore book

Renowned Park chef Tab Tricolore could take home two or more prizes from this year’s literary festivals for his book, “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine.”

Part recipe book, part memoir, and part historical overview, Tricolore’s most recent effort has received glowing reviews from a number of Park publications, including The Panther Post and The Silvestris Star. Home cooks and other Park readers have weighed in on the book as well, with some calling it a “tour de force” and others suggesting that it should become part of The Park’s early Animal education curriculum.

“His description of his Kittenhood and of the feral world has tremendous value, especially for our young,” says Beatrice Zilonis, professor of history at the University of West Terrier.

The book is up for prizes in the non-fiction category at both the Chitter Radio Literary Awards and the Feline Fiction Fest. It is also entered in the hybrid category at the Feline Fiction Fest.

Wyuna Winkle, proprietor of The Literary Apothecary, said her shop was “overrun” by Tricolore enthusiasts when he spent a half-day there recently.

“He arrived for a short pawprinting session, but they wouldn’t let him go. He’s become quite the celebrity,” she said.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards (formerly The Park Literary Awards) will take place on 15 June. The Feline Fiction Fest will run from 16-18 June.

OTD in 2015—Police confirm early morning break-in at Holstein Fashion’s main factory

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Holstein Fashion

Police confirmed an early morning break-in at the main factory of Holstein Fashion

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police have confirmed that an early morning break-in occurred at the main factory of Holstein Fashion on Monday.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed the break-in, saying only that it occurred in the early morning hours of Monday, June 1.

They refused to offer any other details, including whether anything was stolen or destroyed.

“We can’t divulge that information right now,” Inspector Addax told a reporter from The Mammalian Daily. “It would get in the way of the investigation.”

Addax would only say that there were “no injuries to any Animals” as a result of the break-in. For her part, Inspector Fossa said that her unit was called in subsequent to the SHCU’s investigation.

“They were called to the scene after Park Police were alerted to the occurrence of suspicious noises at the factory by a passerby,” Fossa said. “Approximately one hour and forty minutes later, my unit received a call to attend at the scene.”

Also present at the press conference was Cornelius Kakapo, the Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS). While Inspectors Addax and Fossa refused to speculate on the motives of the perpetrator or perpetrators of the crime, Kakapo was quick to assure Park Animals that they are safe and he recommended “going about our business as usual.”

“This is a nuisance crime,” he said. “It is not a crime that implies either a generalized or specific threat.”

OTD in 2014—Data Retrievers: Meet Park Police’s new partners in Tree hacking investigation

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Data Retrievers

Tree hacking investigation update: Park Police have partnered with a private firm of Data Retrievers

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE

Park Police announced today that they have partnered with a private firm of data Retrievers to aid them in their investigation into April’s Data Tree hacking.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed that Park Police have engaged the services of AROO, a private data retrieval company, in the hopes of locating some of the data lost when the Tree was hacked.

“These are skilled data Retrievers,” Fossa said. “It is our hope that they will be able to sniff out some of the Tree’s lost data.”

Fossa stressed that this is an independent investigation and not connected to the one in which Police are already engaged.

“Whether or not we are ever able to ascertain the perpetrator of the crime and whether or not we are then able to bring that perpetrator to justice, we need to try to find the lost data. AROO has a solid history in data retrieval and we are confident that our partnership with them will bring results,” she said.

Some observers, though skeptical of the plan, point to The Park’s limitations when it comes to prosecuting Humans and others who live outside The Park. According to the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Humans may, indeed, be responsible for the Tree hacking.

“As I have said in the past, it does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“For this reason, I applaud Park Police for making an effort to rectify the damage done in concert with attempting to find the perpetrator,” she said.

Sierpinski Squirrel said he was “cautiously optimistic” when informed of the plan. The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners stands to gain the most from this new partnership, as his company stored the major part of its data in the Oak Tree that was hacked.

OTD in 2017—All The Hair I Left Behind: Barkettes to donate new song to EDAM cause

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barkettes-all-the-hair-i-left-behindOnce again demonstrating their generosity of spirit, Thisbe and the Barkettes have donated the proceeds from their newest song to the cause of Enforced Domestication Awareness.

In an open letter published today, The Park’s most famous Canine singing group said it would be “their great honour” to donate the proceeds of the song, “All The Hair I Left Behind” to the cause of preventing the enforced domestication of Animals.

“As you know, some of us in the group spent our youth as domestic Animals and although we were lucky enough not to have suffered in that situation, we are well aware of the plight of others,” the letter begins.

The new song, which was recorded in studio just a month ago, will be available for purchase at stores throughout The Park, as well as at all EDAM events. Sources also say a pop-up shop will open during June, but The Mammalian Daily could not confirm that with Rotunda Records, Iglu Entertainment, or the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft.

OTD in 2016—Enforced Domestication Awareness Month 2016: Official Schedule of Events

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June 2016 calendar with black cat silhouette

The Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations have released the official schedule for 2016’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

To access the Official Schedule, click here: EDAM OFFICIAL SCHEDULE 2016.

The schedule was released early this morning, accompanied by a press release in which all three groups emphasized the importance of the month. thanked all organizers and participants for their “tireless efforts on behalf of The Park’s citizenry”and wished all Park residents “joy, peace, and awareness.”

“The importance of this month cannot be understated. The knowledge that is imparted during EDAM can and will save thousands of lives and will allow those who have escaped enforced domestication to understand themselves and the world better and to lead peaceful and fulfilling lives,” the statement said.

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