BREAKING NEWS

An early morning stampede at one of The Park’s leading grooming houses has left 68 Animals injured and sent 35 others to jail.

The scuffle broke out at approximately 6:00 a.m., when a herd of Bison stormed Tallulah’s Toilettage and demanded to be seen. According to a witness, the Bison were joined by a group of Bulls, Horses, Cats, and others. All are regular customers of the grooming house.

“They were angry because their appointments had been cancelled. They were put off until next week, in favour of those who had tickets to the Fowl Ball,” the witness said.

Groomer Amoltrud Poedel, whose shop, Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, has also been “overrun” by Fowl Ball attendees, said she thought that Tallulah’s had been targeted because it offers an exclusive service known as “Moulting Minimizers.”

“It’s the [moulting] season and, even though they broke the law, I feel for them. It’s unfortunate that the needs of Fowl Ball participants were seen to be more important than the needs of so many others. Perhaps this wasn’t the perfect time to schedule the Fowl Ball after all,” she said.

Park Police told The Mammalian Daily that the majority of the injured were taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. The 35 Animals who were believed to be the instigators of the stampede, were detained at the scene and later taken to the Park Jail. They are to appear in court on Monday.

A Police spokesAnimal also confirmed that Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) have been assigned to the case.

“We think we may be seeing some interspecial tension at play here and if that is the case, we want to deal with it as soon as possible,” the spokesAnimal said.

Humans may have been involved in the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

At a press conference held this morning, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of her team had witnessed a scene that some now see as foreshadowing the events of April 9.

“Some members of my team, while at work on a different case, witnessed a scene that we now see as suspicious and could well have been related to the hacking,” Ant said.

“On the morning of March 31, a group of Humans arrived in a small open truck and stopped at the Oak Tree. My team reports that two male Humans exited the vehicle while a third, the driver, continued driving until he stopped at the edge of The Park. The two male Humans stood staring at the Tree, examining its trunk and taking measurements of it. This went on for approximately five minutes, after which the two in question went to join the driver in the truck.”

According to Ant, her team members lost sight of the Humans after they joined their driver and they have not seen them since. Ant could not confirm whether the small truck carried weapons of arboreal destruction (WAD).

Ant was joined at the press conference by Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), who said Park Police had taken the ASIS team’s statement and were working some other leads together with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU).

No, we are not using the word “fever” metaphorically (at least not in May).

Our medical experts at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm tell us that a rapid heart beat can, indeed, raise the body’s temperature. And a rapid heart beat is what many are experiencing these days, in anticipation of the Fowl Ball, which has been billed as “the event of the year, every year from now on.”

And, though the phrase “take hold” may be considered metaphorical, we thought it was worth committing this transgression against May’s Month Without Metaphor in order to keep you informed of the progress of preparations for the newest event in support of The Park’s Avian community.

“Everything is going smoothly, so far, and the weather looks perfect for the Ball,” says Rafael Ortega, one of the event’s organizers. Ortega, who has become the de facto spokesBird for the gala, confirms that tickets sold out “within hours” of going on sale.

“Just with those funds alone, we are well ahead of our goal,” he says. But there is much more to the Ball than fundraising, Ortega emphasizes.

“We’re here to have a good time. There’s music, food, fun, we have seven auctions planned, hours and hours of dancing and playing. Our lineup of bands reads like a ‘Who’s Who’ of Park musicians; Park chefs have risen to the challenge, and I have every confidence that the Fowl Ball will be as we planned — the best of the best,” he says.

And, what advice would Ortega give to attendees at this point?

“Confirm your grooming appointment, sleep well the night before, plan to be up the whole night of the Ball and don’t book anything for the next day.”

Sage advice, we believe.

The Park’s first Fowl Ball will take place on Saturday, May 31.

The Park’s retail and construction services sectors are set to show strong gains in the fourth quarter, according to Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners.

“It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good,” he says. “And for these sectors, the extension of the pre-hibernation period was truly a gift.”

That extension, which was itself a result of the POPS election debacle, enabled Animals who otherwise would have been in a state of torpor to continue to spend on their hibernation preparations.

“There was a flurry of activity, at just about the time that we would have been putting away our hibernation gear,” says GoUnderground’s director of sales Nafari Bongo.

The Park’s largest hibernation outfitter is not alone. Throughout the retail sector, sales were unusually high.

“Our members were kept busy, that’s for sure,” says a spokesAnimal for the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). She was speaking on behalf of founder and current president Wellington Whistlepig, who went into hibernation on December 1.

The construction services sector also saw unusual gains for the season, says Dingo.

“Many Animals took the opportunity to renovate their hibernating quarters and some even built brand new ones,” he says.

Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond confirms this. His construction company is The Park’s only business that specializes in hibernation facilities.

“Quite frankly, we were overwhelmed by last-minute orders,” he admits. “There was a day when we thought we might not be able to fulfil all the new orders. But we did.”

Businesses that serve Animals at pre-hibernation time were not the only ones to see gains, though. Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer and caterer that provides post-hibernation sustenance to many, saw its orders triple at the end of November.

“I think many Animals anticipated needing a little something extra…a little pick-me-up to get them going after hibernation, since they won’t be under for as long this year,” says the shop’s owner Beatrice T. Orang.

Tab Tricolore, The Park’s most famous (and infamous) chef, has confirmed that he is collaborating with a group of Park chefs on an interspecial cookbook.

The busy chef and author won the 2013 Chitter Radio Literary Award in non-fiction for “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” a book that is part memoir and part cookbook. Tricolore also owns and runs four restaurants in The Park and is planning to open a fifth (The PurrrBoy Café at the Park Museum) in the near future.

The other five chefs involved in the project hail from different species, but all have one thing in common: they are generally long-lived Animals. Hence, the working title of the book: “Recipes for a Long Lifespan.”

“That title has a double meaning, though,” Tricolore said in an interview recently. “These recipes all come from a fairly long-lived group, but they are also recipes for foods that are good for you. If you use them [the recipes], you can have a longer lifespan, too. But, of course, there are no guarantees,” he warned.

What is guaranteed is that the meals cooked using these recipes will be delicious.