The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2013—Threats force 2013 POPS to flee to “undisclosed location”

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Bastiaan Groundhog, the zoocratically-elected 2013 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) has been removed from his burrow and will remain at an “undisclosed location” for an extended period of time, his handlers said today.

At a hastily scheduled press event, spokesAnimals for the 2013 POPS confirmed that threats made on the Groundhog’s life were the reason for the hasty exit from his burrow.

“On seventeen separate occasions, Bastiaan Groundhog, Park Animals’ choice for 2013 POPS, has received threats against his life,” said Klazina Woodchuck, one of the Groundhog’s handlers.

The threats began late in February and continued until a few days ago, Woodchuck said. It is believed that they were brought on by the slow growth of vegetation in The Park and the unseasonably cold temperatures and grey skies. The 2013 POPS had predicted an early Spring on Groundhog Day. The threats imply that the Groundhog either deliberately lied to the public or that he misrepresented his prognostication abilities. In either case, whoever is making the threats believes the POPS to be personally responsible, in some way, for the delay in Spring’s arrival.

“The threats carry strong wording and we are taking them very seriously,” said Park police spokesAnimal Serge Malinois, who also attended the press event.

And while Malinois was tight-lipped about the possible perpetrators of the threats, he did confirm that Park police had a number of suspects under investigation.

“All I can tell you at this point is that our list of suspects is a long one,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Archon’s nephew blasted over Groundhog Day remarks

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The nephew of a former Archon is being criticized for remarks he made this month in an interview during The Mammalian Daily’s live coverage of The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who has been described as one of The Park’s great citizens, had been out of hibernation for only three hours when he consented to an interview with Mammalian Daily reporters. When asked his impression of the festivities, the Hedgehog was openly critical of some aspects of the celebrations, including the Park Historical Society’s film tribute to zoocracy.

“I don’t know about this movie…That sounds a touch…Human,” he said. He went on to express a number of other controversial opinions, including his belief that Humans’ interest in The Park is restricted to “our natural resources, our wealth,” and that running The Park is a job that even its resident Animals were hesitant to do.

“Nobody wants to take over The Park,” he said. “Look how long it took us to accept the responsibility.”

These last remarks were quoted yesterday by Yannis Tavros in the opening essay of his popular talk show on Toro Talk Radio.

“It seems as though even the nephew of an Archon can be anti-Animal at heart,” Tavros began. He continued his tirade against the Hedgehog, accusing him of being “openly un-zoocratic, given to delusions of grandeur, and a phony” before he ended by calling the Hedgehog “part of a family that isn’t even smart enough to know when to come out of hibernation.”

This last remark was denounced as being “over the top” and “gratuitously cruel” by a spokesAnimal for The Park’s hibernating communities. Hieronymous Hedgehog’s uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, died as a result of premature awakening from hibernation on February 3, 2008. Deaths from premature awakening have risen substantially over the past few years. Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog served as Archon in 1998.

For his part, Hieronymous Hedgehog has not had a chance to respond to Tavros’s tirade. He returned to his burrow late on Groundhog Day and is not expected to surface until February 19, the official end of the hibernation period. In his absence, though, his friends and compatriots have taken up his cause, calling for Tavros’s resignation and threatening to boycott not only his show, but his radio station.

OTD in 2017—2017 POPS in stable condition as Park awaits hospital press conference

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Hermione HippoAs Ditmar Bosmarmot, 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), remains in stable condition after being diagnosed with Premature Awakening from hibernation (PA), a press conference has been called for this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Hospital spokesAnimal Aurélie Brebis confirmed the press conference in a short communiqué this morning:

“The hospital’s head nurse, Hermione Hippo, will deliver a statement on the condition of Ditmar Bosmarmot and afterwards will take questions from the press this afternoon at three o’clock in the main conference room of the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.”

Bismarmot, who was elected POPS in November, was roused from his burrow at approximately seven o’clock on Groundhog Day morning. He appeared groggy and after losing his footing along the way, he was helped to the prognostication pad by two aides. While there were concerns that he would not be able to fulfill his duties, he was able to stand on the prognostication pad unaided for a sufficient length of time to make the prognostication. According to a spokesAnimal for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who certified the prediction, the judge had “no hesitation whatsoever in doing so” and certified the prediction “with complete certainty as to its validity.”

Immediately thereafter, Bosmarmot was taken off the pad by members of the Emergency Elephant Brigade (EEB), who helped him onto a stretcher and delivered him to the Park Hospital.

A diagnosis of Premature Awakening from hibernation was made at the scene and confirmed later that day. Until this morning, however, doctors had made no comment on Bosmarmot’s condition other than to say it was “stable.”

The Mammalian Daily will keep its readers apprised of the condition of the POPS via Twitter and Facebook.

OTD in 2017—Design of 2017 prognostication pad sparks criticism, spawns new memes

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2017-prognostication-PADThe design of the 2017 prognostication pad hasn’t just sparked intense criticism from attendees and design experts; it’s also spawned several new Park memes.

The confusing design, coupled with the grave illness suffered by 2017 POPS Ditmar Bismarmot, has spawned  a set of memes that appear to blame the pad and its designer, the architectural firm Fleck + Stone, for Bosmarmot’s illness.

The Park Official Prognosticator of Spring was found to be suffering from Premature Awakening (PA) from hibernation and was rushed to hospital just minutes after predicting an early Spring on Groundhog Day.

Despite these indisputable medical facts, the memes have taken off in a variety of forms, including one that shows an image of Bosmarmot sprawled across the top of the pad with the the warning: “Don’t get stoned by Fleck.” Another with a similar image says, “Ditmarred Again.” Yet another portrays the firm’s chef architect, Vadim Kobras, climbing up the pad, leaving a number of dead Groundhogs behind him on the steps.

For their part, the Archons have been swift to react to the memes, preferring to deal with them in a factual way. This morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, read a prepared statement from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu in which she wished Bosmarmot a speedy recovery. The statement went on to use the memes to address the issue of Premature Awakening and to direct Park Animals to information on the subject.

Thus far, neither the firm of Fleck + Stone nor its chief architect has publicly reacted to the criticism of the prognostication pad.

OTD in 2014—Groundhog Day organizer on shadow lawsuit: “They’ve brought shame on the POPS and on the celebrations.”

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PrognosticationOf all the things the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations has had to worry about over his decade-long career, the validity of the official prognostication has never been one of them. Until now.

“I’m in a state of shock,” said Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. in a telephone interview this morning.

Roused just before dawn to attend the ceremonies, Whistlepig had every intention of returning to his burrow in the afternoon, as he has done every year. Instead, because of the shadow controversy, he has been awake for three days now.

“If this doesn’t constitute premature awakening, I don’t know what does,” he says. But he’s not complaining:

“Dealing with this and anything else that comes up, that’s just part of my job. And it’s a job I love.”

The controversy began just seconds after Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), declared that The Park could expect another six weeks of Winter because she had seen her shadow. A group of disgruntled spectators claimed the shadow that Marmotte had seen was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the Prognostication Pad.

Immediately, the organizers brought in experts to rule on the matter. Executives from Simply Structures, the firm that designed and built the Prognostication Pad, checked the structure for faults while artists from the Hani Gajah School of Art traced the shadow. Eventually a team of shadow experts ruled that, given the paw and claw that appeared on the artists’ tracings, the shadow must indeed have been Marmotte’s. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon signed the Official POPS’ Proclamation.

“At that point, I thought it was over,” said Whistlepig this morning. “We moved on to the other events and I didn’t give it another thought.”

Little did he know, though, as attendees listened to the Archons’ Address and partook of the tasty treats at the food stations, that the disgruntled group of spectators were planning to become litigants in a lawsuit that, in Whistlepig’s words, “is bound to tear The Park apart.”

That lawsuit alleges that the POPS did not in fact see her shadow on Groundhog Day and that, consequently, her prediction should be declared null and void. The suit was filed yesterday, February 3, at noon.

For his part, Whistlepig thinks the whole matter is a sad and, ultimately, silly one.

“To me, it’s a moot point. By the time the suit gets through our court system, Spring will have arrived, whether Marmotte saw her own shadow or not. All they’ve done [in launching the suit] is brought shame on the POPS, shame on the celebrations, and shame on the shadow. It’s a rain of shame, and for what?” he said, sighing.

OTD in 2010—Groundhog Day violence eclipses Archons’ message of hope

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One of the Animals jailed after Groundhog Day violence

An outbreak of violence during an otherwise peaceful demonstration threatened to mar Groundhog Day festivities and overshadow the message of hope and renewal delivered by the Archons in their annual address.

The demonstration, which was held to protest The Park’s policy of open immigration, began outside the Law Courts at approximately 08:30, just minutes after the Archons concluded their address.

Participants described the demonstration as “initially peaceful,” until a particularly aggressive groups of Animals, wielding heavy placards, hijacked the cause and “beat up on the [other] participants.”

“It got ugly pretty quick,” said Randall Rhinoceros, a protester who was taken to the Park Hospital with injuries to his feet and snout.

While hundreds of Animals were treated for their injuries as a result of the violence, there are reports that some injured Animals were hauled off to jail before they received any treatment at all. Some of those involved blame the Guard Dogs for a substantial number of the injuries that were incurred in the demonstration.

“They were too quick off the mark, as far as I’m concerned,” said Yvonne Aardvark. “They didn’t wait to find out who was causing the trouble. They just rounded everybody up and sent them to jail.”

An investigation into the incident is underway, according to The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace, Raymond H. Mink.

OTD in 2016—Park shops get green light to stay open Groundhog Eve, Groundhog Day

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Groundhog Day specialsIn a stunning reversal of its longstanding policy, The Park Finance Office has given businesses the green light to remain open late on Groundhog Eve and into the early afternoon on Groundhog Day.

The news was announced simultaneously this morning by PFO head Valentina Abeja and by Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

In a separate announcement, Whistlepig praised Abeja for her willingness to listen and for her “forward thinking.”

“We are extremely pleased that the PFO has listened to our concerns and shifted its position on this issue. Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day are not just a time for us to come together and celebrate. They hold enormous economic potential and we are grateful to the PFO’s forward thinking head for the opportunity to demonstrate that fact,” Whistlepig wrote.

In a radio interview this morning, Abeja said her decision to change the policy was based on practicality.

“In the past, we believed that if we allowed our shops to stay open, it would somehow take something away from the celebration of Groundhog Day. But after significant study of the issue, we came to the conclusion that that would not be the case,” she said.

Abeja also stressed the need for the PFO to view economic issues through the eyes of those on “the front lines of business.”

“It is our job to support Park business, not to stand in the way of opportunity.”

OTD in 2013—Focus on: Groundhog Day

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A major Park occasion, Groundhog Day has its roots deep in the Animal tradition of weather prognostication. The Park’s elaborate, all-day celebration of this important day attracts hundreds of thousands of Animals annually. And modern Park life has endowed the day with a political significance, as well: Park citizens and residents, who are eager to discover what the new year has in store for them, await the annual Archons’ address—the first official speech given by the thirty-five newly-selected Archons.

ORIGIN AND HISTORY
 In the beginning, there was the Groundhog. One of The Park’s founding families, the Groundhogs staked out their territory in the prairie lands of The Park long before zoocracy was established.

As more Animals began to inhabit The Park, the Groundhogs settled into their rôle as Park Elders. Oftentimes, it was the Groundhogs who were consulted in Park matters, particularly those of weatherly import.

The First Prediction
The first prediction of weather in The Park was made on 2 February, 65 BZ (Before Zoocracy), by E. Bromley Groundhog. It was a casual prediction, made without fanfare, outside E. Bromley’s burrow. He predicted an early Spring. The Spring of 65 BZ arrived on 5 March. The present year is 2022 (40 AZ — After Zoocracy).

The Tradition
The following year, E. Bromley Groundhog made another prediction on 2 February. It, too, was an accurate prediction. In short order, it became an informal Winter tradition for Park Animals who were not hibernating to call on E. Bromley at his burrow in early February in order to hear his prediction for the coming Spring.

This went on until 57 BZ, when a delegation of Animals attended at E. Bromley’s burrow, only to discover that the venerable Groundhog had succumbed to old age. The delegation, at a loss for what to do, quickly appointed E. Bromley’s daughter and son to the post of “predictors.” In alternate years, the Groundhogs served as accurate “predictors,” until their children took over the job.

Eventually, the growing number of E. Bromley’s descendants caused there to be competition for the respected post of “predictor.” The Groundhogs began to engage in territorial wars and slanderous campaigns. In order to quell the rising tide of Groundhog anger, Park Archons decided to establish the title of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) and to award it, every year, to their own choice of E. Bromley’s descendants.

The Controversy
Animals evolve. Politics evolve. New blood refreshes tired, old organs, old assumptions no longer seem viable, and old rules no longer hold sway. In 2003 (21 AZ), a group that called itself “Spring’s Unsprung Heroes” brought forth a legal challenge to The Park’s age-old practice of awarding the job of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) to the descendants of E. Bromley Groundhog.

The Decision
In his landmark decision in that case, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court wrote that “The Park’s current practice [of awarding the job on the basis of heritage] is unacceptable in a modern Park.”

Peabody Q. Groundhog was allowed to fulfill his duties as 2003 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring. Thereafter, the Judge ruled, the position would be decided in an open election held every year on 7 November. The date of 7 November was chosen as the date of the election because it allowed sufficient time for the winner to make preparations before the official hibernation date of 17 November.

Groundhog Day Today
Much has changed since the first elections were held for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS). Since 2006, The Park has welcomed the candidacy of Animals of other species and many believe it is only a matter of time before a non-Groundhog POPS makes the all-important prediction on February 2.

From the Personal to the Political
Groundhog Day has been an important occasion and a full-day holiday in The Park for many years. But, in 2005 (23AZ), the newly-selected Archons chose The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations as the venue for their first official speech. Since that time, each new set of Archons has chosen to reveal its plans for the coming year in a speech given by the Chief Archon at the Groundhog Day celebrations.

Further Reading
For more information on The Park’s Groundhogs, we recommend:

Me and My Shadow: A Groundhog’s Memoirs
by Nigel T. Groundhog
Birch Bark Books, 200 pages

From The Mammalian Daily’s review
“This is not a book about family pride… It is a deeply-felt and honestly-written portrayal of the trials of Animal migration, of the pain and loneliness of specism, and of the exquisite joy of success and acceptance after many years of frustration. In a Beaverlike fashion, the author gnaws away at Groundhog stereotypes and lays bare for us the burden that is borne by the prescient mammal.”

For the full review, click here.

The archival material used in the preparation of this article was made available to The Mammalian Daily by the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP). We thank them for their generosity. We also gratefully acknowledge the assistance of members of The Park Historical Society, Gertrude C. Owl, Dean of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, University of West Terrier, the Department of History, University of West Terrier, and the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP).

OTD in 2017—Fleck + Stone to host information session on 2017 Prognostication Pad

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Groundhog Day celebrationsFleck + Stone, the high-end architectural firm hired by The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to design and build the 2017 prognostication pad, will host an information session for Park residents this weekend.

In a short press release this morning, the firm’s Chief Architect, Vadim Kobras, invited all Park residents to the information session which will be held on Saturday afternoon at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.

“It is of utmost importance to the Fleck + Stone team that Park residents be in possession of all the facts surrounding the 2017 Groundhog Day prognostication pad,” the press release said. “We will be happy to answer any questions about the design and execution of this important piece of equipment.”

Although it didn’t directly address the controversy over the assumed high cost of the pad, the press release did imply that Park residents would see its value:

“The Fleck + Stone team is incredibly proud of the work it has done to help celebrate Groundhog Day in this very special year. We are confident that Park residents will be receptive to our design and will appreciate its uniqueness.”

The press release cum invitation ended with the words, “We were honoured to have been chosen for this job and we remain committed to supporting The Park and zoocracy in any way we can.” It was signed by the Chief Architect, himself.

According to sources close to the firm, Kobras will speak generally about the pad and building materials and go over some of the designs the team considered before fixing on the one that was built. No illustrations of the actual pad will be revealed, but Kobras is said to have also prepared a talk that deals with the history and significance of the prognostication pad.

The final design will be revealed in the early morning hours of Groundhog Day.

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