The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—Pro-election group finds support in esteemed director Douglas Cheetah

By

Douglas CheetahThe Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) now has an ally in the person of award-winning film director, Douglas Cheetah.

In a statement released this morning by Cheetah himself, he says that he has come to the “sad conclusion” that the only path to true equality among the species is the establishment of free elections to choose the members of The Park’s governing body (the 35 Archons who serve a one-year term).

“I had always hoped otherwise, but it appears that we have let tensions among the different species interfere with our good sense. The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he says.

Although CASP president Antoine Lézard claims he was “stunned” by Cheetah’s announcement, media-watchers say they saw it coming, after Cheetah sat down for an interview last month with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. In that interview, they say, Cheetah hinted at his change of allegiance.

“Speaking on behalf of a beleaguered group, that is striped and spotted Animals,” Cheetah said to Tavros, “I believe there are political solutions to the problems that, in the past, we have been too timid to consider,” he said.

Although he refused to elaborate on his thoughts during that interview, many believed that Cheetah was advocating the end of sortition.

CASP’s Lézard, who is himself a striped Animal, says he believes that Cheetah’s “realization” will influence many Park Animals to seriously consider the issue.

“We all understand what a very difficult situation we are in, since sortition was the method of governing that our founder, Jor, established. But we may have reached the point at which we have to consider other options. The Park has matured in the many years since zoocracy was established, but our political system has not kept pace,” he says.

OTD in 2016—Raimundo Zorro strikes again: new web site violates conditions of sentence

By

Raimundo ZorroRaimundo Zorro has struck again.

Zorro, who was convicted last August on two counts of inciting hate by owning and operating the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appears to have violated the conditions of his sentence by starting a new web site.

Zorro’s sentence, which was handed down on September 11, 2015 by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, prohibited him from hosting “any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.”

But today, police confirmed the existence of a new web site hosted by Zorro.

“It appears that Zorro is up to his old tricks,” Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said at a press conference early this morning.

“We were alerted to the existence of the new site by Hortencia Guacamayo of headsNtales, and we would like to express our gratitude to her for demonstrating a commitment to interspecial harmony,” he said.

Addax offered only scant details about the site, which is called, “BANDland.” He confirmed that the site uses technology to track the movements of The Park’s striped community but would not say what he believes Zorro intends to do with that information.

“No matter what his intentions, the site is a violation of the privacy and security of our striped citizens and a violation of the conditions of his sentence,” Addax said.

The SHCU Chief Inspector also confirmed that police initiated steps this morning to have the site taken down. A warrant has been issued for Zorro’s arrest.

OTD in 2012—Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study

By

The latest economic figures released by The Park’s Finance Office indicate that Animals whose coats are striped or spotted have a tougher time securing full-time employment than those with coats of solid or mixed colours.

The 2011 statistics, known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats” were compiled for Finance Office use by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. Their release today caused an uproar among Animals of every stripe.

“This paints a very bleak picture of Park life and attitudes” said Aiofe Badger, current President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band and a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. “This is not the kind of [economic] result that Jor would have been proud of.”

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, said the figures came as no surprise to her. “Some of our members have a terrible time finding work and they all know why, even though they can’t prove it,” she said.

Dominick Skiro, of The Park Alliance of Chipmunks, called the statistics “a crushing disappointment” and “something that challenges our belief in The Park’s system.”

At The Tabby Club, though, (the pub established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy), there was much frustration but little surprise among the clientele.

“I think Jor had the right idea…the right vision, being a Tabby, himself,” said Donal Ronnach. “But it’s obviously still just an ideal. It’s hard to overcome old prejudices.”

Prejudice against stripes and spots dates back thousands of years, says historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

“Not surprisingly, it started with Humans and and the way they treated striped and spotted Animals,” she says. “They were suspicious of them, considered them evil and the bearers of bad luck. That kind of thinking eventually made its way into the minds of Animals and this is the result.”

But, at The Tabby Club, no one cares very much how it all began.

“The most important thing is that it should come to an end,” says Ronnach. “Right now.”

 

OTD in 2015—Food insecurity to become Park Animals’ biggest challenge: DWBS

By

Park RaccoonFood insecurity is the next big challenge Park Animals will face, according to a report released today by The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press conference held at his office this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo discussed the findings of the new report, “Sources of Sustenance.”

According to the report, which was commissioned two years ago by the Archons and the DWBS, sources of food for Park Animals will become scarcer in the next few years. The report cites a number of reasons for this finding, chief among them the “increasing ingenuity displayed by the Human species.”

“It is our sad duty to report that the Human species is more intelligent than previously believed. It has developed ingenious tools to hide and, therefore, hoard its food. There will come a time in the not too distant future when our success in sourcing food outside The Park will depend mainly on Human error,” the report concludes.

Humans are not the only reason for the prediction of food shortages, though. Other reasons cited in the report include weather changes, imprudent planning, budget shortages, and lack of innovation in food sourcing.

“We have relied too heavily on old methods of gathering food,” Kakapo said the report warned. “We are at a crossroads and we need to encourage innovation in this area.”

While the report may appear to paint a bleak picture of The Park’s future ability to fulfil its own food requirements, Kakapo cautioned against seeing it as entirely negative.

“New technology, such as TulipTracker, BulbBeacon and other applications demonstrate that the ingenuity of Park Animals is equal to the task. We have faith in our own intelligence and our ability to deal with these upcoming challenges,” he said.

OTD in 2014—Data Tree hacked: Park Police

By

tree hackedOne of The Park’s oldest and largest Data Trees has been hacked, according to Park Police.

In a statement issued at ten o’clock this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed that his team is investigating the “extensive damage” to the tree that is estimated to have occurred between midnight and seven o’clock this morning.

The Oak Tree, which is believed to be at least 70 years old, was last visited at eleven o’clock last night by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners.

“We keep a lot of our raw data in that particular tree,” said the Squirrel, whose company has held long-term leases on several Park trees since 2004.

The Squirrel said he was at the tree “no more than five minutes,” which was enough time for him to check on his stored data.

“It was all there when I arrived and it was all there when I left,” he said.

But this morning, the Squirrel was shocked when Police arrived at his office to tell him that it no longer was there.

“None of it,” said Squirrel, who is now facing the daunting task of informing his clients that their information — and their savings — have been compromised.

Although Chief Inspector Addax would not reveal details of either the evidence or the investigation, he did confirm in a telephone interview this morning that he had spoken with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU), an independent division of the SHCU, and that she had agreed to lend some of her unit members to the investigation.

OTD in 2010—Cynics to break silence on Toro Talk Radio

By

The Cynics, who have remained tightlipped amid the controversy surrounding one of their best-known songs, plan to break their silence next week in one of the most unlikely places — in an interview with radio host, Yannis Tavros, on Toro Talk Radio.

The radio station, whose slogan, “All Bull. All The Time,” reflects its strict and exclusionary policy, explained the exception in a statement released yesterday afternoon:

“We at Toro Talk Radio are deeply committed to freedom of speech in The Park. When that freedom is threatened for any reason, we feel it is important to speak up and to defend this most sacred of rights. As a result of the unfortunate decision taken by the Association of Park Radio Stations regarding a song by The Cynics, we feel it is incumbent upon us to provide The Cynics with a neutral environment in which to discuss the implied charges. For this reason, we have invited them, along with their manager, Damien Skyle, to discuss their situation with Toro Talk Radio host, Yannis Tavros. We have also reached out to the APRS, but have not had a response from them to date. We look forward to providing The Park’s citizens with a free and open discussion regarding censorship and music on 18 Myrodia.”

OTD in 2004—Studies Confirm: Sleeping Dogs Most Likely to Lie

By

Sleeping Dogs are likely to lie.

That fact, borne out by a new set of studies at the University of West Terrier, will likely come as no surprise to anyone who has ever awakened a sleeping Canine.

The results of the studies, which will be published later this month in the prestigious journal, Eureka, are the fruit of five years of intensive labour in the Sleep Laboratory of UWT’s School of Medicine.

The studies, say investigators at the University, are the first of their kind to be performed at an accredited research facility in The Park.

Among their findings, the researchers noted that the most surprising was the extent to which Dogs are likely to embellish their life story while under the influence of sleep.

“Everybody embellishes from time to time,” said researcher Nicholas Antelope. “But this was truly amazing. Mixed breeds would give a thorough account of their purebred history, down to the awards and ribbons their sires and dams had won and Retrievers would claim to be vicious guard Dogs”.

The most common subject of the lies, to no one’s astonishment, was food.

“Humans who live with Dogs notice this all the time,” said one clinical assistant. “When they wake up, they say they haven’t eaten. And if someone else comes home, they tell them the same story. The amazing thing is, the Dogs really believe it, themselves — if they’ve been asleep.”

When asked about the impetus for the study, researchers were quick to credit serendipity.

“The findings themselves were very much a coincidence,” says Simone Gibbon, the study’s chief researcher. “We decided to do a formal study when we noticed a certain pattern emerging among the Dogs we were treating for insomnia in the Sleep Lab.”

While UWT’s team was the first to investigate this phenomenon, it is expected that others will soon follow suit.

“We look forward to seeing our research replicated elsewhere,” Gibbon said.

OTD in 2004—Guard Dogs, Park fail to reach agreement; union set to stage bark-to-rule

By

In what may prove to be the biggest test of loyalty The Park has ever faced, hundreds of Guard Dogs have been given the go-ahead by their union to stage a Bark-to-Rule action. That action could take effect as early as midnight tonight.

The Canines, who are members of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), were told of the decision early this morning, after union negotiators walked away from the table, having failed to reach an agreement with Park administration. The force of over 200 forms the backbone of The Park’s security system and has been working without a contract for six months.

A spokesanimal for The Park said she was “deeply disappointed” that the union had not seen the negotiations through to a conclusion.

“This could affect our reputation in the wider world,” she said.

The Federation, for its part, roundly criticized the Park’s chief negotiator, Pia Hyena, for her decision to bring the issue of loyalty to the bargaining table. The FCSW, in turn, has filed a grievance with the Park’s Animal Rights Commission, alleging that the introduction of a personality trait to employment negotiations constitutes a violation of the rights of all Animals.

“This is the first time that the issue of loyalty has been put on the bargaining table. We all agree that it’s inappropriate,” said FCSW spokesanimal, Gareth Shepherd.

One particularly contentious issue in the contract dispute is the Guard Dogs’ claim that they need to hold second jobs in order to make ends meet.

“Too many of us have been living foot to mouth for far too long,” said Shepherd.

OTD in 2004—Peony Power: how Ant Intelligence saved the lives of a Queen and her colony

By

peonyNever underestimate the power of a flower.

That is the advice of Eleanor J. Ant, whose ASIS detachment, the Select Undercover Brigade (SUB), has been credited with preventing the destruction of at least one of The Park’s Ant colonies.

The five hundred SUB members made Park history this Spring when, cloaked in bouquets of Peonies, they entered the dwellings of Humans who were under investigation by ASIS. Once inside, they located the devices that experts believe are responsible for the recent outbreak of Ant deaths in The Park.

“There is no question that this was our most dangerous operation to date,” explained Annick G. Ant, who heads the elite task force.

“We went in knowing that our survival depended on those Humans’ beliefs [in the symbiotic relationship between Ants and Peonies]. As far as they knew, our job there was to open the Peony buds by eating away their waxy coating. If they had known what our real mission was, I don’t think any of us would have made it out alive.”

While other details remain top secret, both Annick G. Ant and ASIS head, C. Astrid H. Ant, attribute the success of the mission to the training that SUB members received in the AntTICS programme (Ant Tactics for Intelligence and Clandestine Surveillance).

“The success of this operation underscores the value of that programme,” the ASIS head declared.

OTD in 2004—Ant Intelligence uncovers plot to kill Queen

By

The work of an elite task force has prevented the destruction of at least one Ant colony in The Park, authorities announced this week.

At a press conference held yesterday, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of the Agency’s Select Undercover Brigade (SUB) had been deployed in a covert action that involved infiltrating several Human homes outside The Park.

The crack team of five hundred used the buds of Peonies as cover in order to penetrate the homes of suspected Ant killers, the ASIS head said.

“It is well known throughout The Park that Humans believe there is a causal connection between Ants and the opening of Peony flowers. This belief enabled us to enter the homes without arousing the suspicion of their owners,” she said.

The cadre of Ants was given the go-ahead to perform the action after an unusually high number of Ant deaths was reported. A preliminary investigation revealed that these Ants, who were workers in a field colony, had suffered the fatal effects of poisoning upon their return from a food-gathering expedition outside The Park.

Around the same time, ASIS agents, who were stationed near the north-west fence of The Park, reported an elevated level of “chatter” that suggested that Humans had been involved in the Ant deaths.

“We heard it through the grapevines,” said an agent who wished to remain anonymous.

Following the SUB’s successful infiltration, Park Police Dogs were deployed on a “search and snatch” mission. Within a short time, the Dogs were able to recover a large number of devices whose sole purpose, according to experts, is the destruction of the Ant colony.

“These are not ‘bait and trap’ devices,” said the ASIS head at an interview following the retrieval of the devices. “These devices were specifically intended to kill the Queen and, hence, destroy the colony.”

Despite evidence of Human involvement in the Ant murders, Park Police say they have no intention of laying charges.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction, at this time, to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

August 2025
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031