The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Park ART Walk

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Save the date!

The organizers of the 5th annual Park ART Walk (PAW) remind you that this year’s event will take place on Saturday, August 13, 2011 between 10:00 am and 7:00 pm.

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents.  PAW showings will take place at participating art galleries, retail establishments, and at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

This year’s jury will include curators from the Ewe and Moo and Knochen Kunst Galleries.

Don’t forget!

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 13, 2011
10am-7pm 

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The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

The Nutbar

 

Footpad Heaven

 

LeTwiggery

 

Amoltrud’s Aesthetics

 

 

New conclusions confirm old theories: sighs matter!

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Sighs matter!

Such is the opinion of researchers at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, after they analyzed data from three extensive surveys of Animal morbidity and mortality.

The team of investigators, whose medical specialties include cardiology, trichology, neurology, and gastroenterology, examined the health outcomes of twenty-eight species of Animals in The Park. The results of the retrospective study will appear in their entirety this Autumn in the prestigious journal, Sanitas.

“This study is the first of its kind to examine sighs as a marker for disease,” said Dr. Adelaide Antelope, who heads the group of researchers.

A total number of four hundred and twenty-five Animals participated in the survey, which were conducted at UWT over a fifteen-year period. Although previous generations of physicians believed sighs to be of diagnostic and prognostic significance, that theory had fallen out of fashion by the year 8 AZ.

“Even though we continued to note sighs in the history-taking,” Dr. Antelope said, “the significance was more as an attendant behaviour rather than as a sign of more serious disease.”

According to Dr. Yazmina Yak, a senior member of the research team, sighs became an issue in the study when one particular investigator noted the frequency with which the term, “idiopathic exhalation” was used in the description of the mental state of patients who were found to suffer from serious illness.

Also among the group’s findings Dr. Antelope says, is a correlation between sighing and dying (see Figure 1 below).

“When we took a closer look at the outcomes of the sighers, we were astonished by what appeared to be an almost direct relationship,” he said.

Indeed, the study showed that Animals who presented with sighs and at least two other disease symptoms stood a seventy-two per cent greater chance of having an illness that could trigger death.

That statistic alone, says the research group, is enough to make any Animal sigh.

Popular Park restaurant shut down by health inspectors

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ClosedThe popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap, was shut down by health inspectors early this morning after several of its patrons fell ill on Tuesday.

Seven Animals, who describe themselves as “regulars” at the 24-hour eating establishment, reported feeling “violently ill” and were taken, separately, by the Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital. All were treated for gastrointestinal problems. Two Animals remain in hospital, while the other five have returned to their abodes.

According to Inspector Konrad Eule, head of The Park’s Commercial Food Safety Bureau (CFSB), the Animals fell ill several hours after ingesting food served at the restaurant. Inspector Eule said his agency, which has close ties to The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety, is treating the incident as a food safety issue unless it uncovers evidence of suspicious or criminal activity.

“We are currently investigating with regard to food preparation and storage, but we have sent samples to the laboratory for testing and we are on alert for signs of tampering,” he said at a press conference held this morning. He dismissed rumours that chemicals were found in the food and criticized such statements as “inflammatory and, generally, unhelpful.”

At the press conference, the restaurant’s manager, Winifred D. Raccoon, reading from a prepared statement, said that the restaurant “values its clientele beyond measure” and will do everything in its power to ensure that its food is safe. The restaurant’s owner, Gilbert Bartholomew Ratte, was not available for comment.

Asked whether the incident would affect The Park’s upcoming food festivals and other celebrations, the Inspector said he did not believe there was any reason to delay any events “unless and until we receive results that would prompt such action.” He warned, however, that even though most food establishments adhere to The Park’s strict safety code, Animals should always be vigilant when eating away from home.

Editorial: When beggars become choosers, we all become losers

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The line at the top of the CatsCare letterhead tugs at the heartstrings: “When the heart is full, the stomach rarely grumbles.”

How ironic that exhortation to all of us to feel for the less fortunate seems now, in light of the recent undoing of that charity’s board and the unseating of Bentley, its founder and president.

While it is too early in the investigation to render the final judgment, it is much too late for the rest of us to pretend that we had no inkling that something was rotten in the state of one of The Park’s oldest charities.

To be sure, there were signs. First among them was the 22 AZ decision made by the CatsCare board to accept only cash donations.

When a charity that feeds, houses, and provides medical care for needy Cats refuses to take donations in kind, what are we to make of it? And what, we must ask, is the effect of such a policy, not only on the recipients of their charitable aid, but on the donating population, as well?

In the case of CatsCare, the policy’s intentions have become all too clear in recent months. Yet, the effects of this folly have been far more profound than anyone ever intended: for, while Bentley and his board were busy fattening up their bank accounts with Ftoo siphoned off from donated funds, they were, at the same time, violating the trust of those who rely on them, abusing the trust of their donors, and shattering the confidence of all Park Animals in the idea of assisting each other by means of institutions set up for that purpose.

The breach is wide. The healing will take much time. But profound changes must occur.

No matter what the courts find, it is clear that CatsCare violated the code of ethics. Yet, where, in law, can we find this code of ethics? Alas, we cannot, for we have not committed it to law. This we must do, now. We must inscribe in law what we believe to be the proper behaviour for our charities. We must also imbed in any definition of “charity” this simple but essential idea: that we must take from our donors and give to the needy whatever it is that they need in such form as they require it. Only then can we restore the confidence of the donating public.

Research Cautions: Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues

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Even Miaowgirls get the blues.

That is the determination of six University of West Terrier researchers who have analyzed the results of the first phase of a three-part study of depression and its effects on Cats.

The study, entitled, “Depression in Cats: Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” was funded in part by The Catnip Company and is the first undertaking of its kind in the history of UWT’s School of Medicine.

“We are very excited about this study,” said Dr. Chloris Cougar, who heads the team of dedicated researchers.

“Until recently, we had to make do with second-hand information, most of which came from Human sources and did not, necessarily, reflect the realities of Feline life.”

The current study, she said, “gives us the opportunity to analyze data that pertain solely to Felines. This will enable us to understand the full effects of depression on our particular species.”

The UWT Researchers estimate that Feline depression accounts for a significant loss of productivity in The Park, as well as profound mental anguish and physical discomfort for the individuals involved.

In addition, Dr. Cougar believes that depression can cause or affect other illnesses in Cats.

“We have long suspected that depression has been, in part, the cause of other conditions that Cats presented with at our hospital and at Dr. Bourru’s office. We look forward to having the chance to test that hypothesis.”

To date, analysis of the first phase of the study has enabled the UWT team to isolate at least one distinct depressive syndrome in Cats, which it calls Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder, or FUDD (see symptoms below).

“This is truly a breakthrough,” said Dr. Cougar, “Once we are able to recognize the symptoms of depression in Cats, we will be able to develop effective treatments for the disease. This study has given us all new hope.”

Results of the second and third phases of the study are expected to be published within the next three years.

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FUDD: The Symptoms

Physical symptoms include changes in appetite and sleep patterns, fatigue, and restlessness:

  • A large number of Cats reported being conscious more than half the day.
  • Most Cats reported a marked decrease in their interest in food.
  • Psychomotor activity changes include decreased incidence of and ability to knead, claw, climb, jump, spring, and pounce.
  • Researchers noted decreased speed in eye movements and claw retraction.
  • Mood symptoms include a reduced capacity to enjoy warmth and sunshine, as well as a generalized lack of interest in adult daily life.
  • Some Cats experienced a desire to return to the behaviour of kittenhood, and reported an increase in the desire to suckle.

This article first appeared in Issue #110 of The Mammalian Daily

25 years of zoocracy bring tears, cheers, and calls for reform

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ParkAnimalsSwaying to the strains of the Endeka Elephant Band, Ute Orangutan was moved to shed a tear when she spoke about her maternal grandparents, Zanneke and Carlton Orangutan. The Orangs, who fled persecution in their native land, were among The Park’s first citizens.

“They settled here because they believed that, in The Park, they could build a better life,” she said. “I will always be grateful to them…and I will always feel a sense of responsibility to The Park.”

Such sentiments were not unique during the two-day celebration this Winter that marked the 25th anniversary of zoocracy in The Park.

For Jacinta Kri-Kri, the highlight of the occasion was the unveiling of the monument to Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. With her Kids in tow, the Kri-Kri made a dedication of her own, as she placed a wreath of rosemary at the foot of the marble statue.

“I want my Kids to learn Park history so they can understand why Jor is a hero to us,” she said, between bites of one of the many treats that were on offer at the festivities.

Park history was also on the mind of Sagar Hog-Deer, whose family emigrated from the foothills of the Himalayas six years ago. For Sagar, Park history means a solid record based on the principles of tolerance and the welcoming of all species — principles that, he feels, may be hard to maintain in the future.

“The Park is being assaulted from the outside and we are just beginning to see the effects of it,” he said, pointing to the upcoming census, talk of currency amalgamation, and looming political reforms as evidence of the erosion of Park values.

“We need to take a step back. We don’t need to change [things] if there isn’t a problem in the first place,” he emphasized.

While Hog-Deer sees no problem with the status quo, scores of Animals who attended the celebrations say they see the need for immediate changes in The Park.

“We’ve been at a standstill for years. Some aspects of Park life are downright archaic and, some, I might say…were [the result of] hare-brained schemes in the first place,” complained Mason L. Tortoise, head of SARG, the Small Animal Reform Group, which has called for sweeping changes in many Park policies.

Despite the political debate, Park Animals were up for the two days of merrymaking and were quick to declare the event a “roaring success.”

“I think it was a tribute to the power of Jor’s vision,” concluded Humphrey Hyrax, the festival’s organizer.

Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

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Anatomy of a Small Ball: The virus resides in the dimpled surface, but it replicates in the internal layers

The recent death of a Squirrel has alerted The Park’s medical community to the necessity of implementing measures to deal with the possible onset of a panzootic, according to a spokesAnimal for The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

Kostas Apollonios Eusebios Squirrel died on 26 March as a result of Small Ball Fever, six days after he had extensive contact with a small ball which he imported to The Park from a local field.

An internal memo from the DWBS, made available to this newspaper, reveals that the likelihood of a small ball fever panzootic is greater this year than in previous years, in large part because of the proliferation of small balls in the communities surrounding The Park.

Every year, the DWBS monitors the influx of small balls. This year, the number has increased tenfold. Experts say this is due, primarily, to the early onset of warm, sunny weather.

“Small balls are the bane of our existence,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the DWBS. “We can contain them inside The Park, but there is nothing we can do to restrict their number outside our borders,” he said.

Small balls were first sighted in The Park more than a decade ago, but their number has grown exponentially over the past five years. The balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The DWBS’s Kakapo was quick to assure Animals that the Department is doing everything in its power to limit the spread of Small Ball Fever and to protect The Park’s population from a panzootic.

For more information, please consult The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.” 

Census Day declared amid Animal protests

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Amid protests from a number of Animal groups, Park officials kicked off their “Wee Paws” census campaign today, in the hope of persuading Animals to “count themselves in” and help Park Archons obtain an accurate reckoning of residents in The Park.

Yet, despite their good intentions and a planned media blitz, members of the Park Census Office may have a tough time convincing many Animals of the benefits of a head count in The Park.

“They can count me in as a citizen, but I don’t think I should have to declare my species,” said Nathaniel Warthog, as he marched, protest sign in hand, in front of the Wishing Well.

“Jor [The Park’s first leader] would never have pitted one Animal against another like this.”

It is just this fear—that, in the future, Park officials will use population statistics to limit the number of certain species in The Park—that has made many Animals reluctant to participate in the census.

Park officials say, however, that there is no reason to fear that results from the census will be used against any Animals.

“We need to know the total number of Animals, and the numbers of different species so that we can provide services for them. We’ve been working ‘blind’ for years, and that’s just no way to govern a Park,” said a spokesAnimal for the Census Office.

15 Karpos (June) 25 AZ (2006) has been designated as official “Census Day,” but the deadline for the submission of questionnaires is the first of Azafran (July).

Participation in the census is voluntary.

Tartan Crab found ripped to pieces; domestic Dogs held for questioning

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dogjailForensic experts were on the scene within minutes after the discovery early Saturday morning of the scattered remains of the Tartan Crab.

Following a set of events that some have described as “bizarre,” two domestic Dogs were last seen entering police headquarters. The Dogs, whose names have not been released, were taken in for questioning immediately following the preliminary investigation of the Crab’s demise.

Witnesses at the scene said both Dogs were seen hovering around pieces of the Crab’s stuffing, which lay scattered on the walkway in front of the Reek-o-Rama.

Detectives called to the scene estimated the time of devastation to have been between 9:30 and 10:00 am EDT.

At press time, it was rumoured that neither Canine had a suitable alibi for the time period.

“It was exactly the time that they go for their walk together,” said a witness who asked not to be named for this report. “They were probably waiting to be put on their leashes,” he said, confirming suspicions that the Dogs were known to each other. Whether or not they were known to the Tartan Crab has yet to be determined.

“It’s all part of this new generation of Dogs,” the witness continued. “They’re not properly trained and they’re forced to spend too much time alone. It’s natural that anger would start to build up in them.”

This view was echoed by resident Park analyst, Elinore E. Owl.

“Stuffed toys are an easy target for domestic Animals who cannot or will not control their hostile tendencies,” she said.

Nestor, for his part, was reported in stable condition after receiving treatment for shock at Dr. Bourru’s office. Nestor was found in an immobilized state at the scene of the crime on Saturday morning. The Tartan Crab had been the Cat’s pet for little more than a week.

One witness, in tears, appealed to the public to find the perpetrator of this heinous crime as soon as possible.

“As you know, Nestor was abandoned at a young age, and he was just getting to the point of being able to bond again. This is certainly going to make things that much harder for him,” she said.

Meanwhile, people gathered in The Park today to mourn the Tartan Crab’s untimely passing. A makeshift monument was set up near the Wishing Well and a small pond has been renamed in his honour. A fund has also been established to support research that might help prevent similar acts of violence in the future.

“We cannot risk becoming a carbon copy of the Human world,” said one Giraffe.

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