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OTD in 2013—Immigration rules to favour those with short lifespans

May 22, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

TMD ExclusiveAn investigation conducted by The Mammalian Daily has revealed that proposed changes to The Park’s open immigration policy include a plan to favour shorter-lived species for citizenship.

The ideas for a new immigration policy form part of the “modernization initiative” that the 2013 Archons committed themselves to upon assuming office on January 16, 2013.

According to Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the Archons used the term “modernization” 67 times in their Groundhog Day address.

“The only word that was used more often was ‘economy’ and the phrases ‘economic crisis’ and ‘economic distress’ were, together, used 294 times in a speech that lasted for less than twenty minutes. I think we can assume from this that changes in policy [this year] will be economically-driven,” she said.

Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, agrees.

“There is no doubt in my mind that such a drastic change to the immigration policy would have its foundation in the desire to save money. But I think, if that is the case, that it’s a short-sighted and backward-looking policy and I say that fully aware of the possibility that my community might benefit from such a change,” he said.

If, in fact, the idea for the policy change were economically-driven, it is generally assumed the reason would be the Archons’ desire to cap the amount of money The Park spends on each immigrant Animal in terms of readjustment counselling, health care, establishing a home, job training, etc. But, says Grouse, the short-sightedness of that is “glaringly obvious.”

“The longer an Animal lives in The Park, the longer she or he has to contribute in a myriad of ways to our life here. It is plainly stupid to favour a short-lived population over a balanced mix of species for any reason at all,” he said.

Still, says historian and author Pieter Paard, there are historical precedents for this kind of action, “all of which prove it is a terrible move to make and something that will have a negative effect on a society such as ours for a long time.”

As for the 35 Archons with whom these policy decisions rest, they remain silent on the subject. According to their press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta, the Archons are “looking at all ideas and will make announcements regarding any decisions in the coming months.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime

OTD in 2014—Park Museum puts out call for personal items related to domestication

May 21, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Park Museum

The Park Museum has put out a call for items of a personal nature related to domestication and enforced domestication. The Museum says it requires such items for display in its upcoming exhibit marking Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a statement posted on the Museum’s web site, the Board of Governors requested contributions from Park Animals of items such as collars, leashes, cages, carrying cases, feeding paraphernalia (including bowls, etc.), grooming tools, toys, and I.D. tags. The Museum intends to borrow the requested items and assures Animals that their belongings will be “treated with the utmost care and respect” and be returned to their owners at the conclusion of the exhibit.

Details of the exhibit have not yet been released, but a spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors said the requested items will be displayed in a section called, “Ways and Means.”

To read the Museum’s full statement, click here.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture

OTD in 2017—Mating Dance selfies posted on web by Humans: DWBS

May 7, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Cow selfieThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has launched an investigation into the posting on the internet of selfies and other photos that were taken during Thursday’s Mating Dance.

At a late night press conference yesterday, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the investigation.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety has launched a full-scale investigation into the posting of photos taken by Park Animals at the annual Mating Dance on Thursday May 5. At the same time, the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) of the Park Police and the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) have begun their own, independent inquiry. The DWBS intends to cooperate fully with Park Police and to share our findings with them,” Kakapo said.

The DWBS became aware of the photos early yesterday morning, according to Kakapo.

“We were alerted to their existence by one of the Animals whose photos appear on a web site. We subsequently determined that this web site is owned by Humans,” he said.

Kakapo described the photos as “private and intimate” and said the Animal who reported them does not wish to be named.

“It is beyond disturbing that this has happened and we consider this type of behaviour to be a clear and present danger to all Park Animals,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: mating, photos, selfies

OTD in 2015—Prionailurus Press to promote the literature of the striped and spotted

April 20, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Prionailurus Press Editor-in-Chief Momoko Yamaneko

Momoko Yamaneko stifled a nervous laugh as she responded to a reporter’s question at a press conference held at her office this morning.

The question was a simple one: “Why now?”

“You’d have thought by our name that this would have been our mandate all along…our raison d’être, so to speak,” said the Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, which today became the first publishing house in The Park to respond to the plight of striped and spotted Animals.

But Yamaneko stopped short of apologizing for the company’s seeming neglect of its own community.

“A constellation of factors influence publishing decisions,” she explained, “and often we are forced, by the markets and by our readers, to put our survival ahead of even our most heartfelt desires. But we called you here today to announce that the time has come for us to live up to our responsibility in this regard. We will be putting striped and spotted writers at the forefront. That part of our agenda is set for the next three years, at least.”

The  publishing house, she said, has committed a sizeable amount of currency and all its other resources to finding and publishing emerging writers from the striped and spotted community.

“We want to welcome them to the Prionailurus family,” she said. “We want hear and read their stories of the challenges they’ve faced in the past and those they face now. We want to strengthen our own community at the same time as we work to foster understanding among all species.”

The publishing house’s new mandate begins “now,” the Editor-in-Chief said emphatically, as the press conference drew to a close.

“We have a host of new and exciting initiatives in development. You will be hearing from us very soon in this regard,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: minorities, publishing, striped and spotted Animals

OTD in 2016—TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

April 19, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

The Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Media, On This Day, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: journalism, Mammalian Daily, managing editor, names of reporters, Orphea Haas

OTD in 2016—Court reaffirms right to remain stupid

April 18, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Mr  Justice Augustus DindonIn a landmark decision handed down this morning, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court kept alive the vision of The Park’s founder and reaffirmed the right of every Animal to remain stupid.

The decision, which will be posted in full outside the Court House tomorrow, came after a deliberation of more than five months. The decision was in response to an action brought by a collective that included the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), the heads of admission of all The Park’s educational institutions, professionals from the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, and one hundred Animals known as the “concerned conglomerate.”

In their action, the collective argued that increasing apathy among the citizenry and the lack of formal education undermine the survival and prosperity of The Park. They asked the court to supersede the Archons and enact a law requiring all Park citizens to attend school.

The collective’s argument before the court in October was kept a secret from all except those directly involved in the proceedings. That decision was made to prevent the collective from initiating an awareness campaign they believed might sway the court’s decision.

During the deliberation period, Justice Dindon accepted submissions from The Department of Well-Being and Safety, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and from medical and psychological experts on both sides of the argument. In addition, he called on Park historians to, as he said, “help me understand the founding vision of The Park.”

In the opening paragraph of the decision, Justice Dindon said he relied heavily on these words of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy: “We cannot force our views upon the citizenry; we can only inspire them to look beyond themselves and aid them in their search for a just and better life for all.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: court decision, formal schooling, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, right to be stupid, stupidity

OTD in 2015—Pro-election group finds support in esteemed director Douglas Cheetah

April 13, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Douglas CheetahThe Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) now has an ally in the person of award-winning film director, Douglas Cheetah.

In a statement released this morning by Cheetah himself, he says that he has come to the “sad conclusion” that the only path to true equality among the species is the establishment of free elections to choose the members of The Park’s governing body (the 35 Archons who serve a one-year term).

“I had always hoped otherwise, but it appears that we have let tensions among the different species interfere with our good sense. The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he says.

Although CASP president Antoine Lézard claims he was “stunned” by Cheetah’s announcement, media-watchers say they saw it coming, after Cheetah sat down for an interview last month with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. In that interview, they say, Cheetah hinted at his change of allegiance.

“Speaking on behalf of a beleaguered group, that is striped and spotted Animals,” Cheetah said to Tavros, “I believe there are political solutions to the problems that, in the past, we have been too timid to consider,” he said.

Although he refused to elaborate on his thoughts during that interview, many believed that Cheetah was advocating the end of sortition.

CASP’s Lézard, who is himself a striped Animal, says he believes that Cheetah’s “realization” will influence many Park Animals to seriously consider the issue.

“We all understand what a very difficult situation we are in, since sortition was the method of governing that our founder, Jor, established. But we may have reached the point at which we have to consider other options. The Park has matured in the many years since zoocracy was established, but our political system has not kept pace,” he says.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: free elections, leaders, sortition

OTD in 2016—Raimundo Zorro strikes again: new web site violates conditions of sentence

April 12, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

Raimundo ZorroRaimundo Zorro has struck again.

Zorro, who was convicted last August on two counts of inciting hate by owning and operating the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appears to have violated the conditions of his sentence by starting a new web site.

Zorro’s sentence, which was handed down on September 11, 2015 by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, prohibited him from hosting “any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.”

But today, police confirmed the existence of a new web site hosted by Zorro.

“It appears that Zorro is up to his old tricks,” Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said at a press conference early this morning.

“We were alerted to the existence of the new site by Hortencia Guacamayo of headsNtales, and we would like to express our gratitude to her for demonstrating a commitment to interspecial harmony,” he said.

Addax offered only scant details about the site, which is called, “BANDland.” He confirmed that the site uses technology to track the movements of The Park’s striped community but would not say what he believes Zorro intends to do with that information.

“No matter what his intentions, the site is a violation of the privacy and security of our striped citizens and a violation of the conditions of his sentence,” Addax said.

The SHCU Chief Inspector also confirmed that police initiated steps this morning to have the site taken down. A warrant has been issued for Zorro’s arrest.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: hate, interspecial harmony, stripespotting

OTD in 2004—Peony Power: how Ant Intelligence saved the lives of a Queen and her colony

April 5, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

peonyNever underestimate the power of a flower.

That is the advice of Eleanor J. Ant, whose ASIS detachment, the Select Undercover Brigade (SUB), has been credited with preventing the destruction of at least one of The Park’s Ant colonies.

The five hundred SUB members made Park history this Spring when, cloaked in bouquets of Peonies, they entered the dwellings of Humans who were under investigation by ASIS. Once inside, they located the devices that experts believe are responsible for the recent outbreak of Ant deaths in The Park.

“There is no question that this was our most dangerous operation to date,” explained Annick G. Ant, who heads the elite task force.

“We went in knowing that our survival depended on those Humans’ beliefs [in the symbiotic relationship between Ants and Peonies]. As far as they knew, our job there was to open the Peony buds by eating away their waxy coating. If they had known what our real mission was, I don’t think any of us would have made it out alive.”

While other details remain top secret, both Annick G. Ant and ASIS head, C. Astrid H. Ant, attribute the success of the mission to the training that SUB members received in the AntTICS programme (Ant Tactics for Intelligence and Clandestine Surveillance).

“The success of this operation underscores the value of that programme,” the ASIS head declared.

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: Ant Intelligence, wednesday rewind

OTD in 2004—Ant Intelligence uncovers plot to kill Queen

April 4, 2024 By Imko Oaljefanta, TMD Archivist

The work of an elite task force has prevented the destruction of at least one Ant colony in The Park, authorities announced this week.

At a press conference held yesterday, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of the Agency’s Select Undercover Brigade (SUB) had been deployed in a covert action that involved infiltrating several Human homes outside The Park.

The crack team of five hundred used the buds of Peonies as cover in order to penetrate the homes of suspected Ant killers, the ASIS head said.

“It is well known throughout The Park that Humans believe there is a causal connection between Ants and the opening of Peony flowers. This belief enabled us to enter the homes without arousing the suspicion of their owners,” she said.

The cadre of Ants was given the go-ahead to perform the action after an unusually high number of Ant deaths was reported. A preliminary investigation revealed that these Ants, who were workers in a field colony, had suffered the fatal effects of poisoning upon their return from a food-gathering expedition outside The Park.

Around the same time, ASIS agents, who were stationed near the north-west fence of The Park, reported an elevated level of “chatter” that suggested that Humans had been involved in the Ant deaths.

“We heard it through the grapevines,” said an agent who wished to remain anonymous.

Following the SUB’s successful infiltration, Park Police Dogs were deployed on a “search and snatch” mission. Within a short time, the Dogs were able to recover a large number of devices whose sole purpose, according to experts, is the destruction of the Ant colony.

“These are not ‘bait and trap’ devices,” said the ASIS head at an interview following the retrieval of the devices. “These devices were specifically intended to kill the Queen and, hence, destroy the colony.”

Despite evidence of Human involvement in the Ant murders, Park Police say they have no intention of laying charges.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction, at this time, to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

Filed Under: Breaking News, On This Day, Politics/Law/Crime

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