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OTD in 2017—Gossip site: We have photos of Archon in bed with Humans

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headsNtalesThe gossip site headsNtales says it plans to publish a set of photos of 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo that show her in a compromising position with Humans.

In a post dated today, the site claimed to have in its possession fourteen photos of Bonobo sleeping in a bed between two adult Humans. Co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said she believes the incident in the photos took place in late April in a home outside The Park.

While the site has not yet identified the Humans in the photos, Guacamayo says there is no doubt about who is sleeping between them.

“It was completely by accident that we were able to get these photos and the reason we waited so long to disclose them is that we didn’t believe it, ourselves, at first. But there is no doubt in our minds that the Animal sleeping between these two Humans is, in fact, 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo,” Guacamayo told The Mammalian Daily.

Guacamayo said that she’d contacted Bonobo about the photos, but had received no reply. headsNtales intends to publish the photos this month.

If the photos are of Bonobo, it would be particularly embarrassing for her if they were published in June. Bonobo has been an outspoken supporter of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) and a vocal champion of the many refugee organizations in The Park. She has even been called “anti-Human,” which she has said she regards as a compliment.

As of the publication of this article, there has been no reaction from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu or any of Bonobo’s colleagues in the 2017 government.

OTD in 2014—Cynics donate “Diamond in the Ruff” to Enforced Domestication Awareness

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eatyourfoodWho would have thought we’d ever see the “softer side” of The Cynics?

Not this critic, who has followed the group’s career for the better part of a decade.

But, last night, at their third ever pop-up event (which the group prefers to call a “pouncer”), the four Canines displayed their unique brand of emotion and sincerity and it literally stunned the already surprised audience.

The short concert, which was held in front of The Park’s new gastropub, The Pound (of which The Cynics are part-owners), included a few of their hits, such as “walk don’t walk,” “eat your food,” and “S.I.T.” Once those were out of the way,  Luther “Droop” Dachshund, the group’s founder and lead singer, took the microphone to speak.

“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently,” he said. “We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality and, to that end, we are donating all proceeds from our newest song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness.”

The reaction was predictably loud and after the cheers had died down, Dachshund introduced the last item on the day’s song list, a beautiful piece with a haunting melody and the saddest lyrics the Cynics have ever sung.

“Diamond in the Ruff” tells a familiar story: a Dog who’s lost his way and finds himself the chattel of a Human family, shuttled from Dog show to Dog show, wearing a diamond in his ruff. Fortunately, the Cynics have added a bit of hope at the end, in the form of an open door. We are left to assume the song’s main character runs for his life and, hopefully, finds a better one, perhaps in The Park.

As the concert ended, Dachshund confirmed the song’s official release date (June 28th) and thanked the crowd. With that, the group exited the scene, leaving a trail of tears and some hope for the future.

OTD in 2016—Alvin Tinamou’s nest reported missing

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Tinamou nestDEVELOPING STORY

Park Police have been called in to search for the nest of Alvin Tinamou.

The publisher of The Avian Messenger and organizer of May’s annual Month Without Metaphor reported the nest missing early this afternoon.

“He said he walked off for a few minutes and when he returned, the nest and its eggs were gone,” said a spokesAnimal for the police.

Tinamou positioned the nest close to the offices of The Avian Messenger, a friend told The Mammalian Daily. The three blue eggs inside belonged to his last mate, Adela, who left about a week ago. Park Police said they intend to question her but she is not a suspect at the moment.

According to his friend, Tinamou is “distraught” and blames himself.

“This was the last thing he ever thought would happen. He’s questioning himself and his abilities as a mate. And he doesn’t know if Adela will ever speak to him again,” the friend said.

According to the police report, the nest went missing at approximately one o’clock this afternoon. Any Animal who was in the vicinity or who saw anything suspicious should call police immediately.

OTD in 2004—Tartan Crab found ripped to pieces; domestic Dogs held for questioning

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dogjailForensic experts were on the scene within minutes after the discovery early Saturday morning of the scattered remains of the Tartan Crab.

Following a set of events that some have described as “bizarre,” two domestic Dogs were last seen entering police headquarters. The Dogs, whose names have not been released, were taken in for questioning immediately following the preliminary investigation of the Crab’s demise.

Witnesses at the scene said both Dogs were seen hovering around pieces of the Crab’s stuffing, which lay scattered on the walkway in front of the Reek-o-Rama.

Detectives called to the scene estimated the time of devastation to have been between 9:30 and 10:00 am EDT.

At press time, it was rumoured that neither Canine had a suitable alibi for the time period.

“It was exactly the time that they go for their walk together,” said a witness who asked not to be named for this report. “They were probably waiting to be put on their leashes,” he said, confirming suspicions that the Dogs were known to each other. Whether or not they were known to the Tartan Crab has yet to be determined.

“It’s all part of this new generation of Dogs,” the witness continued. “They’re not properly trained and they’re forced to spend too much time alone. It’s natural that anger would start to build up in them.”

This view was echoed by resident Park analyst, Elinore E. Owl.

“Stuffed toys are an easy target for domestic Animals who cannot or will not control their hostile tendencies,” she said.

Nestor, for his part, was reported in stable condition after receiving treatment for shock at Dr. Bourru’s office. Nestor was found in an immobilized state at the scene of the crime on Saturday morning. The Tartan Crab had been the Cat’s pet for little more than a week.

One witness, in tears, appealed to the public to find the perpetrator of this heinous crime as soon as possible.

“As you know, Nestor was abandoned at a young age, and he was just getting to the point of being able to bond again. This is certainly going to make things that much harder for him,” she said.

Meanwhile, people gathered in The Park today to mourn the Tartan Crab’s untimely passing. A makeshift monument was set up near the Wishing Well and a small pond has been renamed in his honour. A fund has also been established to support research that might help prevent similar acts of violence in the future.

“We cannot risk becoming a carbon copy of the Human world,” said one Giraffe.

OTD in 2014—Fowl Ball shines light on Avian plight

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Fowl BallNotwithstanding the unfortunate grooming house incident, Saturday’s first annual Fowl Ball was a great success, according to both organizers and attendees.

“We raised more funds than we ever thought possible,” said chief organizer Rafael Ortega at an after-party at his home.

“But I think where we did the best…and I would say we triumphed…was in raising awareness of the plight of our Avian community and of Avians in general,” he said.

Ortega, who spoke briefly at the Ball, credited his fellow organizers, the Ball’s dedicated contributors, and the “brilliant” musicians and other performers with making the event “five hundred times better than we ever could have imagined.”

Banded Brothers kicked things off with with a rousing rendition of “Surround Sound,” followed by their mega-hit, “ididitfortheband.” More music followed from The Tweeters and The Beasts of Burden, while Jargonhead demonstrated the reason he is so beloved in The Park.

A series of auctions punctuated the performances (there were seven auctions in all) and halfway through the evening, the stage was given over to a small group of Avian activists. They addressed the massive crowd of Animals, who were all decked out in their finery, clearly enjoying a good time.

“We certainly don’t want to bring you down,” they said, “but we want you to understand the reason you’re here.”

A short video, produced by the group, demonstrated the problems of the Avian community, particularly during migration.

“We try our best but the world is changing before our eyes and we can’t always see the danger ahead,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, an group that offers aid to Avian immigrants. As she spoke, photographs of Birds who had been injured after they crashed into glass buildings flew across the screen, shocking many who had not realized the extent of Avian suffering.

But perhaps the most moving speech of the night was that of Philippe Sauvage, lead singer of the Feline band, The Feral Four. He spoke with sincerity and the depth of his emotion surprised the crowd.

“I harbour deep regret for the misery that my community has brought on the Avian community,” he said, as he promised to work for the good of all species in the future.

OTD in 2016—Tabby Club accused of discrimination

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The Tabby ClubTabby Club proprietor Tab Tricolore is calling accusations of discrimination against his pub “ridiculous” and vowed today to maintain what he calls the “integrity” of his establishment.

The accusations were made Wednesday by Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. According to Tavros, he asked Tricolore in person to allow him to enter The Tabby Club, but Tricolore refused.

Tricolore does not deny that he refused entry to Tavros, nor does he regret it. Instead, he says, he stands by his decision, despite the #BullintheTabbyClub campaign that Tavros began today on Twitter.

“I don’t know what Tavros is up to. Maybe his ratings are down or maybe he’s simply bored. I don’t know what game he’s playing, but it is a game and it has no place in a serious Park,” Tricolore said on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The Tabby Club was established as a striped-only pub by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Jor said that he opened it as a Tabbies-only pub because, at that time, Tabbies couldn’t get a drink or a meal at any other establishment in The Park. The pub’s employees kept it afloat for years after Jor’s death, until Tricolore assumed ownership in 2010. promising to keep the employees and the pub as it was.

Tricolore said today that he stands by that promise and by what he said in a 2013 interview with The Mammalian Daily:

“I’m not against keeping it exclusive for a while, just to remind us that this Park is a work in progress. We’re not finished, by any means. And The Tabby Club kind of proves that.”

OTD in 2016—Memes of Production seize the Jubilee—and the day

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Memes of ProductionCan it be only a week ago that the Memes of Production took over the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee and made it their own?

How many of us thought the annual Spring event would wither and die without Eggie and the Pigs as the opening act, and the stars of the day— The Park’s farmers— nowhere to be seen?

Yet, in stepped this group of musicians whose recordings, all told, number four. Yes, four, all of which the group, itself, recorded. Under most circumstances, these Animals would never be invited to such an important event.

But they stepped in, where other musicians refused to tread. And, for good reason, it must be said. Still, the Memes went to great pains to clarify their position: they were there simply as musicians, having been asked by the Jubilee’s chief organizer Miriam Wapiti, to “save the day.”

But the Memes did much more than that. As their signature song says, they seized the day. By interspersing covers of some of The Park’s best—and least political— songs with riffs on their own, including “Sign of the Thymes: An Herbal Tick,” the group managed to keep attendees enthralled and the Jubilee, well, jubilant.

Kudos to the Memes, whose success and ability did not go unnoticed, either by Park citizens or by its record companies. Rumour has it that Hoofer Records, who signed The Beasts of Burden well over a decade ago, has offered them their first recording contract.

OTD in 2013—Immigration rules to favour those with short lifespans

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TMD ExclusiveAn investigation conducted by The Mammalian Daily has revealed that proposed changes to The Park’s open immigration policy include a plan to favour shorter-lived species for citizenship.

The ideas for a new immigration policy form part of the “modernization initiative” that the 2013 Archons committed themselves to upon assuming office on January 16, 2013.

According to Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the Archons used the term “modernization” 67 times in their Groundhog Day address.

“The only word that was used more often was ‘economy’ and the phrases ‘economic crisis’ and ‘economic distress’ were, together, used 294 times in a speech that lasted for less than twenty minutes. I think we can assume from this that changes in policy [this year] will be economically-driven,” she said.

Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, agrees.

“There is no doubt in my mind that such a drastic change to the immigration policy would have its foundation in the desire to save money. But I think, if that is the case, that it’s a short-sighted and backward-looking policy and I say that fully aware of the possibility that my community might benefit from such a change,” he said.

If, in fact, the idea for the policy change were economically-driven, it is generally assumed the reason would be the Archons’ desire to cap the amount of money The Park spends on each immigrant Animal in terms of readjustment counselling, health care, establishing a home, job training, etc. But, says Grouse, the short-sightedness of that is “glaringly obvious.”

“The longer an Animal lives in The Park, the longer she or he has to contribute in a myriad of ways to our life here. It is plainly stupid to favour a short-lived population over a balanced mix of species for any reason at all,” he said.

Still, says historian and author Pieter Paard, there are historical precedents for this kind of action, “all of which prove it is a terrible move to make and something that will have a negative effect on a society such as ours for a long time.”

As for the 35 Archons with whom these policy decisions rest, they remain silent on the subject. According to their press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta, the Archons are “looking at all ideas and will make announcements regarding any decisions in the coming months.”

OTD in 2014—Park Museum puts out call for personal items related to domestication

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Park Museum

The Park Museum has put out a call for items of a personal nature related to domestication and enforced domestication. The Museum says it requires such items for display in its upcoming exhibit marking Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a statement posted on the Museum’s web site, the Board of Governors requested contributions from Park Animals of items such as collars, leashes, cages, carrying cases, feeding paraphernalia (including bowls, etc.), grooming tools, toys, and I.D. tags. The Museum intends to borrow the requested items and assures Animals that their belongings will be “treated with the utmost care and respect” and be returned to their owners at the conclusion of the exhibit.

Details of the exhibit have not yet been released, but a spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors said the requested items will be displayed in a section called, “Ways and Means.”

To read the Museum’s full statement, click here.

OTD in 2017—Mating Dance selfies posted on web by Humans: DWBS

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Cow selfieThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has launched an investigation into the posting on the internet of selfies and other photos that were taken during Thursday’s Mating Dance.

At a late night press conference yesterday, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the investigation.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety has launched a full-scale investigation into the posting of photos taken by Park Animals at the annual Mating Dance on Thursday May 5. At the same time, the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) of the Park Police and the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) have begun their own, independent inquiry. The DWBS intends to cooperate fully with Park Police and to share our findings with them,” Kakapo said.

The DWBS became aware of the photos early yesterday morning, according to Kakapo.

“We were alerted to their existence by one of the Animals whose photos appear on a web site. We subsequently determined that this web site is owned by Humans,” he said.

Kakapo described the photos as “private and intimate” and said the Animal who reported them does not wish to be named.

“It is beyond disturbing that this has happened and we consider this type of behaviour to be a clear and present danger to all Park Animals,” he said.

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