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On This Day—December 5, 2016: Blandine Okapi: “Sortition gives us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

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Blandine OkapiFormer Archon Transition Team (ATT) member Blandine Okapi is taking some heat for her most recent remarks about sortition and the annual selection of government in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published in The Ruminant Free Press yesterday, Okapi calls the process of sortition, which has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons, “a ridiculous idea” and says bluntly, “All it does is give us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

Okapi, who quit the ATT two years ago in order to work with the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), claims she is drawing from her experience in politics and government when she says that sortition is “keeping The Park in a state of inertia.”

“As we look forward this year to celebrating the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy, we have to ask ourselves what we’ve accomplished here,” she writes. “If our goal was to mature as a Park and to be the model for Animal self-government everywhere, I would say we have failed miserably.”

Reaction to Okapi’s scathing criticism has been swift. At a joint press conference this morning, 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose and Sylvana Rana, president of  Save Our Political System (SOPS), countered her arguments, saying that sortition is the best method available to ensure fair and equitable representation in government.

Former Chief Archon Moose went on to speak of his experience in governing The Park:

“I unequivocally dispute Okapi’s portrait of the members of our governments as being either unable or unwilling or both. During my term as Chief Archon, I worked with some of the most able Animals I have ever met and every one of them was one hundred percent committed to zoocracy and to the values that Jor stood for,” he said.

On This Day—December 3, 2012: Park citizens feigning illness to avoid Archon duty: report

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A new report released by the Department of Political Administration (DPA) paints a bleak picture of Park citizens’ commitment to participation in their government.

According to the report, entitled “Don’t Count Me In”, the number of Park citizens who feign illness to avoid having their names entered in the annual Archon lottery (known officially as sortition) has doubled since the last tally was done in 2009.

“It’s surprising, given the precarious state of the world outside [The Park], that Park Animals would take such a casual attitude toward zoocracy,” says Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier.

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Because this was established as a self-reporting system, Animals were not, initially, required to supply medical documentation of their illness,” says DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

“But when we noticed the Form 12 totals rising, we knew we had to take action. So, for the past five years, we have been requesting verification of illness. Not surprisingly, we discovered that a large number of the Form 12s could not be verified,” she said.

Submitting a fraudulent claim of illness is a breach of Park law, says Fourmi, “not to mention the fact that it is morally repugnant to most Park citizens.”

The question now is whether or not authorities will pursue legal action against the feigners.

“That will be up to another branch of government,” says Fourmi. “We collected the data, but we have no jurisdiction over the consequences of that data.”

On This Day: December 1, 2014: Newspaper’s front page editorial sparks furor among Park residents

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Rodent CommonerAnimals have taken to the streets, the Archons and Park Police are calling for calm, and the author of a front page editorial published in The Rodent Commoner this morning has been granted security protection after receiving hundreds of threats on his life.

The piece, written by Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Espen Rotte, has ignited a firestorm of protest and, according to one observer, “opened the floodgates to a torrent of interspecial hate.”

In the editorial entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” Rotte explains his reaction to the results of various studies that confirm that striped Animals in The Park are “not getting their fair share of the economic pie.”

“So why am I not banging the ‘equality’ drum and championing their cause, as so many of my compatriots have done?” the well-respected writer, who has published articles in a number of Park newspapers, asks.

This is part of his answer, written simply and eloquently:

“I come from a species that is universally hated, not just by Humans, but by many other species, who are all too happy to stand by and watch as we are poisoned, kidnapped, incarcerated, used as laboratory subjects, and suffer other similar or worse fates.”

The rest of the editorial expands on this statement and concludes with what some have described as “a condemnation of not only the promises of zoocracy, but its policies.”

“In short,” Rotte writes, “our system has failed not only the striped and spotted, but whole species. I would argue that, as a Park, we have nothing to be proud of at this moment.”

On This Day—November 28, 2014: Struts convinced Archons to encourage Human tourism in Park: rumour

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headsNtalesFormer Finance Officer and budget architect Milton Struts was the force behind the 2012 Archons’ decision to encourage Human tourism in The Park, the gossip site headsNtales is reporting.

In an article posted this morning, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site quotes an anonymous source as saying that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget “pulled some strings with the Archons” to get them to consider the financial benefits of Human tourism in The Park.

The source, whose name and species is known to headsNtales but who wishes to remain anonymous to the site’s readers, says Struts had a “longtime” relationship with two male Humans who regularly spent their Summer lunch hours in The Park. The source claims there is video evidence of Struts accepting food from these Humans.

The source also claims that the two Humans “talked up” the financial benefits of encouraging Humans to spend time in The Park and that Struts took the idea to the Archons as early as 2010. Amaury Porpoise, who served two terms as Chief Archon during the calendar harmonization period, had no interest in the plan, according to the source.

The idea was resurrected, though, when his arch rival, George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt, assumed the Chief Archonship in 2012 and vowed to do the opposite of whatever his predecessor had done. Despite the resistance of many of the other 34 Archons, the source says, Newt not only embarked on the plan to promote Human tourism in The Park, but he took full credit for the idea and moved swiftly on Struts’s advice to use Park funds for the purpose.

The three-prong plan that was subsequently adopted was praised by some who owned Park businesses, but it was met with opposition from many others, including The Park’s environmental groups, who vowed to fight its funding. The 2015 budget did not include tourism.

On This Day—November 27, 2015: A Hare as a spare? Park Election Office to designate runner-up in POPS election

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POPS Now that 2016 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Adelheid Whistlepig is safely ensconced in her burrow, The Park Election Office has rendered her election win the last of its kind.

Executing what some are calling a “momentous change” in POPS election policy, the PEO has decided to designate an official POPS runner-up—an Animal who will fulfill the duties of the POPS should she or he be unable to do so. The change in policy will take effect at the next election.

At a press conference this afternoon, PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement.

“Many factors were involved in our decision to designate an official runner-up—a spare, you might say—in the POPS election,” he said.

Among those factors, Wezel cited the lack of age restriction for candidates and the precariousness of life itself. But one thing stood out for Park citizens—and particularly for The Park’s weather makers— and that was the change in climate over the past decades.

“In the few years that we have been electing the POPS—a little more than a decade, in fact—our climate has become less and less predictable,” Wezel said.

“As many in our medical community have noted, premature awakening from hibernation, which was once a rare occurrence, has become a blight on our hibernating population. This is a serious matter and selecting a runner-up to the POPS is not a solution to this dilemma. But it is a first step in acknowledging that we must accommodate to it until we can change it. It is for this reason that I petitioned the Archons last year for a change in policy. And it is for this reason that they  agreed,” he said.

Wezel confirmed that the runner-up would likely be the candidate who received the second-largest number of votes, but he said the laws surrounding the selection have yet to be written.

“This is something that will take some time and a lot of deliberation, but the wheels are now in motion,” he said.

On This Day—November 21, 2011: Police call for calm after specist handbook discovered in Park

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The Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) have issued a call for calm throughout The Park after the discovery of what appears to be a specist handbook.

The book, which was discovered under the Ancient Oak Tree early this morning, is written in the Human English language, experts say. Language specialists at the University of West Terrier are currently studying the book and its contents. In a statement issued at midday, they said they plan to make a full report to the Archons as soon as they have completed their study.

The book was discovered by Rodnina Owl, police confirmed. The Owl was reportedly eating a snack in the Tree, when she noticed something shiny at the base.

“The glossy cover caught my eye and I swooped down to see what it was,” she said in an interview on PBC  Radio late this morning. “I was shocked when they told me what it said.” The Owl does not speak any Human languages.

In their appeal for calm, the Archons emphasized the need for patience on the part of Park Animals.

Two hours after the Archons issued their appeal, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, fielded questions from residents and media. The major concerns were for Animal security, with many calling for barricades and some suggesting pre-emptive strikes. Calls for an all-out war, fuelled by rumours that Humans intend to take over The Park, were quickly dismissed by FCSW President, Gareth Shepherd.

“We cannot afford to react until we know the full extent of the assault,” said Shepherd.

On This Day—November 19, 2013: Archons delay hibernation as 2014 POPS remains undeclared

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Breaking_NewsIn an unprecedented move, the 2013 Archons have voted to delay the official date of hibernation until a winner in the 2014 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) election can be declared.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, announced the unanimous decision at a press conference this afternoon.

“Due to the exceptional circumstances in which we find ourselves this year, the 2013 Archons, under the leadership of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, have made the decision to delay the official date of hibernation until such time as we are able to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election.

This was a difficult decision to make, but the Archons believed that it was the only way to respond with fairness to the needs of The Park’s hibernating community. They felt strongly that we could not expect these citizens to go into hibernation without knowing the results of this important election. The Archons, therefore, have decided that hibernation will occur one day after the winner of the POPS election is declared,” Alouatta said.

The press conference was attended by Chief Archon Rhinoceros and six of the 34 remaining Archons: Oonagh Albertina Hellbender, Grosvenor Tortoise, Ottmar Limpkin, Françoise Hélène Coccinelle, Hagen Roeland Roadrunner, and Paulette Woodpecker. Gerritt Wezel, head of the Park Election Office also attended. The group did not entertain questions.

After the statement was read, a one-page press release was distributed. The release assured Park citizens that the decision “was not taken lightly, but was made in consultation with a number of medical experts from the University of West Terrier, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.” The Archons also sought a number of legal opinions before making their decision, the press release said.

On This Day—November 18, 2014: Heart of well wishes makes a beautiful send-off for Park’s hibernators

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Wall of MessagesA heart-shaped terracotta dish bearing the good wishes of thousands of Animals and hung on the eastern wall helped make yesterday’s send-off even more meaningful for The Park’s hibernating community.

“It was a beautiful gesture and we appreciated the fact that they hung it in the east, where the sun rises and, hopefully, we will too in the Spring,” said Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels.

The sun did, in fact, manage to peek through the clouds for a few minutes yesterday, just as Walmond Murmeltier, the newly-elected 2015 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), waved to the crowd and began the descent into his burrow.

While some of The Park’s well-known hibernators were gracious when Animals snapped photos and called out to them, others were more sanguine, demonstrating the gravity of the occasion.

“This is usually more of a solemn event and one that makes solitudinarians of us all,” said Hieronymous Hedgehog, as he headed for his own burrow.

Meanwhile, Eduarda Teresinha Coelho, whose election as 2015 Keeper of the Nut was celebrated four days ago, expressed her best wishes, on behalf of all non-hibernators, for a happy and safe hibernation.

“May you all rejoin us in the Spring,” she said, as she extemporaneously reiterated her oath “to keep this nut from harm and to preserve it intact” until the hibernators return.

On This Day—November 17, 2016: Election Office scrambles to meet today’s deadline to declare a winner

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ballot-boxThe Park Election Office (PEO) is scrambling to count all the votes cast in the November 7 election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) by midnight tonight in order to announce a winner before the hibernating community takes its leave for the Winter.

In an early morning interview on TMD Radio,  PEO head Gerritt Wezel said he and his team would “do anything” to avoid the situation that occurred three years ago, when the vote counting took so long that hibernation had to be postponed for weeks.

“That took its toll on the whole Park, emotionally, as well as physically,” he said.

Wezel also confirmed that he’d asked the members of the Maple Tree Project, who organize the Tree of Hearts sendoff for hibernators, to postpone the hanging of the hearts until late in the afternoon. According to Wezel, former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, who initiated the project, agreed to hold off until about five o’clock.

The election results will be broadcast across all Park media as soon as they are known.

On This Day—November 15, 2012: Doves of Peace stage strike; “heavy-handed” tactics blamed

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The Park’s Doves of Peace announced today that they have initiated a strike in protest against what they call the “heavy-handed” tactics used recently by Park Police.

In a statement that was published in all major print media and read on all radio and television stations, the Doves declared that they had decided to withdraw their services to The Park for an unspecified length of time “in order to bring to light the change in attitude and decorum of Park Police and, by implication, the 2012 Archons.”

In the statement, the Doves complained about being “shut out” of events this year. They also cited the recent presence of Park Police at celebrations such as the annual Harvest Festival and Snowbird Farewell as evidence of a changing attitude of the Archons toward Park residents.

“These are events that we are, usually, sent to…not as peacekeepers, but as the symbol of interspecial harmony and peace,” said Georgina Golub, spokesBird for the Doves. “The decision, this year, to send police in our stead marks a change in attitude that we consider ominous.”

Historically, the Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, have been sent to attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. After a disruption during the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF), however, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations took the decision to send Park Police, instead.

“We wanted to restore calm and order to our celebrations,” Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department, said in a telephone interview. “After the Noon Nuttiness surprise [violence], we felt we needed to be careful, at least for a while.”

But SpokesBird Golub called police presence at the Surrender of the Nut “the last straw.”

“On one of our most solemn occasions, the very symbol of peace, harmony, and trust, celebrants looked around and saw police everywhere. But when they looked up at the sky, they saw nothing,” she said.

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SEE ALSO:

Hundreds jailed after Noon Nuttiness protest turns violent

Park celebrations “joyous” despite heavy police presence

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