The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

A peek at Holstein Fashion’s “Creations from the EDAM Collection”

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The Park Museum’s exhibition, Creations from the EDAM Collection, enters its third week tomorrow. The wildly popular exhibition of one hundred and seventy-five items of clothing that were created exclusively for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) has attracted a record number of visitors to the museum and has thus far surpassed all expectations in terms of support for Holstein Fashion’s charity, EQUALSS.

As a gesture of goodwill toward those unable to attend the exhibition, the museum has allowed The Mammalian Daily to display a small number of the creations on its web site. The slideshow appears below.

We wish to thank the museum for its generosity.

[satellite gallery=2 auto=on caption=on thumbs=on]

Gunnar Rotte tweets, then takes his case to the Archons

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Screen Shot 2016-08-10 at 9.00.45 AMGunnar Rotte has never backed away from a fight.

Indeed, he rose to prominence almost two years ago, when he published a controversial editorial in The Rodent Commoner comparing the plight of his own species to that of The Park’s striped and spotted citizens.

Now, the beleaguered journalist and part-time counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic is doubling down on his mission to make all Park citizens understand the real life challenges of Rodents and, in particular, Rats.

After taking to Twitter yesterday to react to the announcement that this year’s Park ART Walk will celebrate the work of our striped and spotted citizens and to complain that no Park event honours Rodents, Rotte has begun a campaign to pressure the Archons into establishing just such an event.

Calling for an annual , “Rotter Day,” Rotte says he plans to march in front of the law courts and all government buildings until the Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations agree to his plan.

And he just might be successful.

“I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he got it done,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, President of Rodents at Risk, a Park charity that aids The Park’s at-risk Rodent community.

“Gunnar is nothing if not persistent,” says Piggsvin, who has known Rotte since his birth.

“He gnaws at things and doesn’t let them go. And on this particular subject, I can tell you, he won’t rest until all Park Animals understand and acknowledge the pain and suffering of Rats and many other Rodents.”

Still, many say it will be an uphill battle for Rotte to get the Archons to agree to add an event to The Park’s calendar so late in their term.

“Yes, he may have to march in the snow, but I’ll bet he’s already put together a plan to confront the new Archons on the day of their swearing-in,” says Piggsvin.

Tinamou nest found outside Park; eggs replaced with Bailey’s basketball

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NestJPEGBREAKING NEWS

Park Police announced this morning that they have recovered the nest of Alvin Tinamou and his mate Adela.

Szabina Héja, head of the Airborne Investigative Unit (AIU), made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“Yesterday afternoon, our team was directed to a Tree outside The Park. Upon investigation, we discovered and later took possession of a nest with a basketball inside it. After extensive testing at our laboratory, we have determined that the nest is that of Alvin Tinamou. Our tests also revealed that the basketball is the same one lent to The Park Museum by Mammalian Daily balls columnist Bailey. Unfortunately, we were unable to find any evidence of the Tinamou eggs. Our Unit continues to search for the eggshells and we are optimistic that we will be successful,” Héja said.

Experts say, however, that since the nest was stolen in mid-June, there is little hope of recovering the eggshells.

“Those chicks would have hatched by early July at the latest,” says Dr. Simon Crow, head of Avian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. “They would, physiologically, almost be adults by now. And the shells surely would have been used for other purposes.”

The AIU head did not comment on the state of the basketball, nor did she give reporters any idea of when the ball might be released to its rightful owner. But she did confirm that both the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) have been brought in to help in the search for the perpetrator of the crime.

Cackling Goose coalition asks: Would we be safer without sod?

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Cackling Goose TavernThe coalition of groups that has conducted regular meetings at the Cackling Goose Tavern has sent a message to the citizens and residents of The Park.

Inside a carefully worded missive published in all Park media today, the coalition poses the question: Would we be safer without sod?

The group, whose members include representatives of citizen aid and action associations, environmental groups, other alliances and federations, and some of The Park’s technology companies, has been working since the end of July to develop a proposal for The Park’s 2017 budget.

Today they are calling on the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to join them in their effort to keep Park residents safe from Human invasion.

The DWBS, who came under fire recently for issuing a safety alert that some deemed too late to save Park Animals, has promised to look into the coalition’s proposal to substitute grass seed for The Park’s sod.

“We believe that Humans, who have a very short attention span, would be less likely to see The Park as a vacation option if they had to wait for the grass to grow,” the coalition says in its statement.

While that might prove true and could result in fewer Humans endangering Park Animals, some warn that there is a downside to this way of thinking.

“We continue to walk a fine line when it comes to Humans and tourism. On the one hand, we want to maintain The Park for ourselves, but on the other, we have to admit that we are far too small to be self-sustaining. We rely on the funds that come from Humans who buy our products and services and it does us no good to pretend that we don’t,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

The coalition is seeking the input of resident Park Animals before it presents its proposal to Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja. Abeja announced last month that she would be presenting her 2017 budget on August 17.

Millicent Hayberry “seriously considering” POPS bid : rumour

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MillicentHayberry BREAKING NEWS

Renowned actress Millicent Hayberry is “seriously considering” running for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said Hayberry is still “conferring with those in her inner circles, both personal and professional, and likely will announce her decision in October.”

Best known for her portrayal of the late author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, the beloved actress currently can be found onstage at the Burrow Theatre starring in Godwit: A Mystery.

If Hayberry does decide to take a run for the office, it will not be the first time that a Chipmunk has made the attempt. In 2012, Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk thew his hat in the ring and although he did not win, many credited him and Zachariah Skunk, who ran in 2011, with broadening the field and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

Hayberry still has a lot of time to make her final decision. Park Animals have until November 5, 2016 to put their names forward as candidates for POPS.

Park Museum’s EDAM Gala sells out

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GALA TICKET final

If you were thinking of buying a ticket to tonight’s gala celebration of Holstein Fashion’s EDAM Collection, The Park Museum has some bad news for you: the event has sold out.

The Board of Governors made the announcement on the museum’s web site yesterday. But if you still have your heart set on attending, you have one last chance to obtain a ticket: according to the web announcement, any returned tickets will be sold at the museum’s entrance at 6:00 p.m. The event begins at 8:00 p.m.

Read the full announcement here.

Coalition calls emergency meeting at Cackling Goose to discuss budget

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Cackling Goose TavernBREAKING NEWS

A coalition of groups whose interests range from weather, food production, education, and healthcare to business and technology has called an emergency meeting tonight at The Cackling Goose Tavern to discuss key elements of The Park’s upcoming budget.

The coalition’s members hail from a number of the Park’s citizen aid and action associations, as well as from other alliances and federations. The Park’s technology companies, including SINCAP Technologies, GVC De-Tech, DoftTek, S.A, and RhinoTech, also form part of the coalition.

According to a communication obtained by The Mammalian Daily, the purpose of the meeting is to begin the process of making a joint proposal to PFO head Valentina Abeja for increased funding for weather purchases, food production, education, and business support. The 2016 budget allocated a total of thirty-three percent of the budget for the above and the coalition believes this funding is insufficient.

Some of the groups that make up the coalition are:

Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF)
Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP)
Produce for Progress
Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds
Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol
Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS)
Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band
Skunks Against Gunk
Park Education Working Collective  (PEWC)
Park Citizens for Education (PCFE)

Art museum confirms theft of iconic painting, “Swine with Ewe”

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The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) has confirmed the theft of one of its most iconic paintings, “Swine with Ewe.”

The painting, which was the collaborative effort of Feliciano Cerdo and Simone Agnelle, was a gift to the museum in celebration of the twenty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

At a press conference this morning attended by Park Police, the president of the museum’s board of directors Aulikki Norsu said the painting went missing two days ago, but the museum stayed silent in the hope the thief would return it unharmed.

“We notified the police immediately, but we made the decision not to go public about the theft right away. We were hoping it was some kind of prank and when it was over, the painting would reappear,” Norsu said.

Speaking on behalf of the police, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) appealed to any Animal who may have information regarding the painting or the theft.

“If you visited the museum within the last month and saw or heard something suspicious, or if you have heard anything about the painting or the museum here or in your travels outside The Park, we want to hear from you,” she said.

Fossa called the recent spate of thefts “worrying” and confirmed that the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) had been alerted.

“This is the fourth theft of its kind within the last year and we have to consider the possibility that they are in some way connected to each other and, perhaps, connected to Humans,” she said.

Last September, Harmonious Hannah, the stuffed Animal that appears at The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, went missing. In May, the Park Museum reported the basketball stolen from their flyball exhibit and last month, Avian Messenger publisher Alvin Tinamou’s nest went missing. Only Harmonious Hannah has been recovered.

Is “long haul” government the way of the future? New political group says yes

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Park ArchonsAre longer terms for The Park’s thirty-five Archons the solution to our current governmental stagnation?

A newly-formed political group thinks so.

The organization, which calls itself, “Park Citizens for Long Haul Government (PCLHG) released its first statement of principles and objectives today. And one of its most notable objectives is to change the length of Archons’ terms.

“We advocate lengthening the term of Archonship from one year to three to five years,” the statement says.

According to the group’s president, Stéphanie Musaraigne, the bold move would enable Archons to make a “full commitment” to governing over the long haul, instead of concentrating on short term goals and things that can be achieved within the one year mandate.

While the PCLHG’s statement stopped short of criticizing sortition, the current method of selecting Archons, it did imply that while the lottery method ensures a degree of fairness, it brings with it a certain amount of instability.

“There are many problems with sortition, which a Park of varied species and lifespans must address,” the statement said.

The PCLHG plans to hold a press conference later this week to further outline its objectives.

Security workers threaten bark-to-rule action over right to bite policy

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FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers

The Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) is threatening to stage a bark-to-rule action unless Park administration reinstates the right of officers to bite offenders “when necessary.”[pullquote]Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority.—Gareth Shepherd, President, Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW)[/pullquote]

The federation of over four hundred officers, which forms the backbone of The Park’s Police Force, has been in talks with administration regarding this issue for the past two months. But so far, says FCSW president Gareth Shepherd, they have come to no satisfactory resolution.

“Park administration doesn’t appear to understand our position in this matter,” he told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“We are asking for the right to bite only as a last resort. Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority,” he said.

Even though The Park’s Police Force has had a no-biting policy in place for almost twenty-five years, several FCSW officers have been charged with doing so in recent years. Shepherd, himself, was suspended from duty in February of 2013, after he was charged with biting members of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) during a roundup. He was later cleared of the charges and reinstated.

The FCSW’s position is that the realities of modern Park life make a change in policy necessary, but Park administration says it remains unconvinced.

“This seems like a step backward to us and until we view it otherwise, we are not inclined to alter the policy,” a spokesAnimal told the Mammalian Daily.

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