Archives for June 2017

“The AutoZOËography of ZoeCat,” was recovered during excavations at the Park Museum. The book went missing ten years ago, seven years after the death of its author.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 30 July 2013

The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.

In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.

“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.

Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.

“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.

The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.

“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.

“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.

In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 26 July 2011

Multiple Animal currencies may be putting The Park in danger of suffering a severe economic depression.

That is the warning contained in a special advisory to the Archons issued by the Central Bank of The Park.

In the advisory, which was issued this morning, Central Bank governor, Bravessa Contadora, strongly recommended that the Archons take swift action to amalgamate The Park’s Animal currencies “before the Ftoo becomes virtually worthless in the outside world.”

Speaking at a press conference following the advisory’s release, Contadora acknowledged the past controversy surrounding the issue, and said she wished to be sensitive and respectful to those who oppose a single currency.

“I realize that groups such as APIC (Association for the Preservation of Individual Currencies) have been fighting this for a long time and, to a large degree, they’ve been successful. But, to what end? If we are to preserve our trading position with the world outside The Park, we need a strong, amalgamated currency. I see no other option for The Park,” she said.

She went on to explain that trade in so many different currencies is “just too difficult to fathom for those who live in a one-species world” and that, in her opinion, The Park had no hope of increasing exports unless it adopted a simplified currency.

The Park’s 35 Archons have, thus far, remained silent on the issue. A statement is expected later in the day.

“Diamond in the Ruff” donated to Enforced Domestication Awareness

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 17 June 2014

Who would have thought we’d ever see the “softer side” of The Cynics?

Not this critic, who has followed the group’s career for the better part of a decade.

But, last night, at their third ever pop-up event (which the group prefers to call a “pouncer”), the four Canines displayed their unique brand of emotion and sincerity and it literally stunned the already surprised audience.

The short concert, which was held in front of The Park’s new gastropub, The Pound (of which The Cynics are part-owners), included a few of their hits, such as “walk don’t walk,” “eat your food,” and “S.I.T.” Once those were out of the way,  Luther “Droop” Dachshund, the group’s founder and lead singer, took the microphone to speak.

“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently,” he said. “We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality and, to that end, we are donating all proceeds from our newest song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness.”

The reaction was predictably loud and after the cheers had died down, Dachshund introduced the last item on the day’s song list, a beautiful piece with a haunting melody and the saddest lyrics the Cynics have ever sung.

“Diamond in the Ruff” tells a familiar story: a Dog who’s lost his way and finds himself the chattel of a Human family, shuttled from Dog show to Dog show, wearing a diamond in his ruff. Fortunately, the Cynics have added a bit of hope at the end, in the form of an open door. We are left to assume the song’s main character runs for his life and, hopefully, finds a better one, perhaps in The Park.

As the concert ended, Dachshund confirmed the song’s official release date (June 28th) and thanked the crowd. With that, the group exited the scene, leaving a trail of tears and some hope for the future.