Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2016 government will be released on Friday.
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts in the early hours of January 15, exactly an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.
The Mammalian Daily will publish the list on its web site as soon as it is made public.
The Department of Well-Being and Safety has shut down the Otter Ice Slide for an “indefinite period of time” after a tragic accident occurred there on Wednesday afternoon.
In a statement issued this morning, the Department confirmed that an ongoing investigation into the accident suffered by Boldizsar Vidra was the reason for closing the Ice Slide, which had just opened for the season on January 6.
“We are currently investigating the circumstances of the accident that occurred on the Otter Ice Slide on Wednesday, January 9, 2013. Until such time as the investigation has concluded and we have determined the cause, the Slide will remain closed for use,” the statement said.
According to witness accounts, Vidra was lying on his back, travelling at a high speed down the Slide, when he became aware that his coat was stuck to the Slide’s ice.
“He was screaming, begging for help, but no one could help him until he stopped,” said one witness. Approximately three-quarters of the way down the slide, several other Sliders were able to lift him off the ice. By that time, the Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) had arrived and Vidra was transferred to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, where he remains in critical condition.
“There was so much blood,” said another witness. “Parts of his coat were just ripped off and stuck to the Slide.”
The Slide, which operates annually from January 6 until March 13, is the favourite recreational venue of The Park’s Otter families. It is not unusual for Otters and their young to spend an entire day at the Slide. This year, the Slide saw a 600% rise in attendance during its first three days. This increase has been attributed to the fact that the Slide experienced a very short season in 2012, when it was shut down in mid-February because unseasonably warm temperatures caused it to melt.
The DWBS is believed to be investigating the conditions of the Slide between the evening of January 8 and the afternoon of January 9. The accident occurred at 3:15 on January 9. Several witnesses at the scene said a partial melt had occurred in the early hours of the afternoon.
Prior to the Slide’s official opening, The Park’s Weather Office (PWO) issued a statement indicating that the venue would remain open for the entirety of the regular season.
A source close to the PWO, however, who wishes to remain anonymous, told The Mammalian Daily that, privately, the PWO has had concerns about the lifespan of the Slide for several years.
“With all the cutbacks in The Park, the PWO has been fighting, but not winning, a battle to get sufficient funding for Winter weather,” the source said.
The last several years have seen increasingly warm temperatures in The Park and many believe it is due to the cutbacks in the budget.
“If we don’t act on this problem right away,” said the source, “there will come a time when we have only three seasons in The Park.”
See also: Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change
No, it’s not a snack. Or even a dance. It’s a real psychological condition that afflicts Park citizens. And it’s on the rise.
According to Park therapists, cases of “Sortition Shakes” or “Lottery Nerves,” as they are also known, are up substantially this year. And, they say, it’s not surprising.
“I would say it was to be expected,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar of the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.
“We’ve seen increasing pressure on the Archons, as zoocracy has matured and the expectations of Park government have grown,” she says. “It’s not surprising that a position that was once almost ceremonial but which now carries with it heavy responsibilities, should produce feelings of anxiety, and almost dread, in those who feel they may not be up to the task.”
Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who also serves as a staff member at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic agrees.
“I’m seeing many of my former patients return for help with severe cases of the Sortition Shakes,” she says.
Dr. Gibbon says many are “racked by guilt” that they are not more knowledgeable and they are anxious about their abilities to make decisions that could prove life-altering for Park citizens.
“I also think that this year’s celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy has added even more weight to the position,” she says. “They know all eyes will be on them and they’re worried about doing the right thing if they are selected.”
The lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.
The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.
At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.
Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.
According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.
Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.
“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.
The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.
With little more than a week to go before the 2012 Archons are sworn into office, talk has begun anew of instituting direct elections to choose the 35 Animals who form The Park’s government each year.
The Mammalian Daily has learned that, as one of their final acts, the 2011 Archons have struck a special committee to investigate the feasibility of using the ballot box to choose Archons. The committee’s report is due in the second half of this year and will be presented to the 2012 Archons before the end of their term.
The incoming Archons (and all others who have served throughout the 30 years since Zoocracy was established) were selected by the process of sortition. Also known as the “allotment” or “lottery” method, this is the system that was put in place by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.
Proposals for change in the Archon selection process have been made for over a decade. Any movement toward direct elections has been blocked, however, by those who believe that this method leads to favoritism and can result in representation that is not balanced.
“Sortition allows for a balance of species in the Archon mix,” says Sylvana Rana, of the anti-election group, Save Our Political System (SOPS). “Direct elections can become a personality contest and the result could be the loss of adequate representation of many species.”
Those who favour elections, however, are quick to point out that the current system already yields a government in which some species of Animals are underrepresented.
“Thirty-five Animals cannot hope to represent The Park’s population in a balanced way,” says Antoine Lézard, a longtime Park resident who says he thinks direct elections might bring more fairness to government.
“Already there are too many Mammals among the Archons. They draw lots from six basic Animal groups, but the majority of the extra [five] Archons always seem to be Mammals.”
The names of those who were chosen to serve as Archons for 2012 will be announced on January 15. The swearing-in ceremony will occur at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre the following day.
The 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2013 government will be sworn in in style this year, thanks to the fortuitous discovery of “surplus funds” by The Park’s Finance Office (PFO).
At a press conference held this afternoon, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that “unanticipated” extra funds were made available to her department for the purpose of “sprucing up” the swearing-in ceremony.
“In the opinion of the PFO and others, the swearing-in of the annual Park government warrants a true celebration and these funds are meant to facilitate that,” she said.
No definition was offered for “true celebration” nor were the “others” named, but Kanariar hinted that the ceremony, which in the past been a solemn occasion, would be treated more like a Park festival this year.
“There will be refreshments available for those who attend the event and we are looking into constructing a stage upon which the Archons will take their oath,” she said. In the past, Archons took the oath, one by one, on level ground. Kanariar did not divulge the planned location of the stage, nor of the other changes to the programme.
“We are keeping those details to ourselves so that Park citizens can enjoy the anticipation of and, eventually, the realization of, an early Winter surprise,” she said.
While this afternoon’s announcement was met favourably by many, some were highly critical of the plan, including many members of The Park’s political reform groups.
Sylvana Rana, president of the pro-sortition group, Save Our Political System (SOPS), said she was “outraged” at what she considered a misuse of funds.
“This whole business stinks, quite frankly,” she said when questioned by reporters at a separate event.
“When the PFO finally presented their 2013 budget, they were not shy or apologetic about their cutbacks. If there was a surplus, why have cutbacks? And, if the surplus was discovered recently, why did the PFO not restore the previously-cut funding or ask Park citizens what they would like done with it? I find this whole thing very un-zoocratic,” she said.
The 2013 Archons will be sworn in on January 16, 2013.
Renowned chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has returned to The Park and is back at work, says the manager of Tricolore’s fine dining restaurant, Klo.
“He’s been scooting around the kitchen here for a few days now and we’re already starting to get sick of him,” joked manager Léopard Mirepoix in a radio interview this morning.
Tricolore, himself, has not spoken to the media and, according to Mirepoix, has not mentioned his absence at all.
“It’s as if he was never gone, though he has acknowledged the tremendous support of Park residents. He said he found it overwhelming and intends to thank everyone formally in the coming weeks.”
Mirepoix said he’s found Tricolore “mellower” since his return.
“He has definitely mellowed out. You can see it in his face. Before, the stripes on his face were zig-zagged; he was always in a hurry, always suffering from stress. Now, [the stripes] they’re straight … he has a smile on his face. And he’s lost a bit of weight. I don’t know whether that’s because he wasn’t fed or what. Only he can tell us. But he isn’t in distress; if anything, he’s happier than before.”
Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla says he’s not surprised that Tricolore is back at work.
“Food is his first love. I think, in many ways, it is his only love. And it would be his comfort, no matter what. Whether he’s sadder or happier, food is where he would go first. I’m glad he’s come back,” says Burmilla.
The subject of Archon compensation was raised again this week, when the leaders of a number of political reform groups met to discuss one of The Park’s most controversial issues.
Reports from that meeting indicate that a plan to move forward on Archon compensation was agreed upon by the leaders of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), Save our Political System (SOPS), Lizards for Liberty (LfL), and the Small Animal Reform Group (SARG).
Historically, the four groups have disagreed strongly on a number of key political issues, most notably with regard to the way in which Archons are chosen each year. Antoine Lézard, president of CASP, has been a vocal proponent of elections, while SOPS president Sylvana Rana has fought to retain the current system of sortition (the lottery method that was put in place by Jor, The Park’s first leader). The groups have come together, however, on the issue of payment for the service that Archons are required to perform during the course of their year-long tenure.
“It’s a full-time job,” said Carlisle Chameleon, the LfL’s president and a longtime believer in paying Archons for their work, in an interview on Toro Talk Radio.
“I don’t think it’s fair to ask Animals to abandon their livelihood for a year. And, although it’s technically against Park law to work at your job while you’re an Archon, we all know that, sometimes, Animals have to do that to make ends meet. Instead of looking the other way, we should be providing them with the means to live so that they can focus their attention on their duty, which is creating a better Park,” he said.
That sentiment was echoed by SARG head Mason L. Tortoise. While he stopped short of calling the result of this week’s meeting a “plan,” he confirmed the ad hoc coalition’s intention to assert pressure on the incoming Archons with regard to the issue.
“Ideally, we’d like to see something done in time for 2014 or at least 2015,” he said.
Today’s ball is the SOCCER ball.
The soccer ball has a long history with Dogs.
Originally employed in the Mediaeval period, cynologists (those who study Dogs) believe that the soccer ball was first used by the Mediaeval Dog in the crime-control ritual of raising the hue and cry.
Mediaeval scholars cite testimonial evidence in their belief that it was the Chief TithingDog who bore the responsibility of raising the hue and cry. This he effected by kicking the soccer ball into the middle of the town’s main square, and leaving it there until the alleged criminal had been arrested.
Scholars believe that the soccer ball was the first of the illuminated balls of the late 13th century and, as such, it proved to be the perfect tool for alerting the citizenry to the presence of a criminal at large.
Information from mediaeval epic poetry and sagas suggests that it was the organization of a formal Police force that led to the obsolescence of the hue and cry ritual and, thus, to the end of the use of the soccer ball as a tool of law enforcement.
Nevertheless, the soccer ball retained its place in the heart of the Mediaeval Dog and he used it in a variety of his feudal games.
Since that time, Dogs everywhere have enjoyed various forms of play with the soccer ball.
Sources: Domestic Chronicles of the Middle Ages: Volume 10, Balls; The Ball Files; Mediaeval Belief Systems and their Relationship to Balls; The Use of Balls in the Age of Chivalry.
Bailey can be reached at bailey@mammaliandaily.com
January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:
January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.
January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic
Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.
January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2019 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, and Magnus P. Marmoset, among others.
January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.
January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For only the second time since its opening in August 2012, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome Park residents from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, including the newest treatment options. Refreshments will be served.
January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.
The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.
January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-first. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.
Until March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.
The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.
January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!
Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!
