The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

New director brings big changes to annual Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic

By

K.N. Polar Bear

Kumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear: “We must not be afraid of change.”

First, it was haiku. Now, it’s rap.

“The Picnic has to change. How else can it grow?” says its chief organizer, Kumaglak Nanuq Polar Bear.

Nanuq, who took over this year from Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, has a long-term plan for the Picnic. And rap is just the beginning.

“I reached out to Jargonhead first. I said we need you to come on board this year. And he didn’t hesitate. But not only did he not hesitate, he stepped up and brought us Will.o.be., GCH…even the Tweeters. He was amazing.”

A very grateful Nanuq gave them free rein, so he has no idea what they will perform.

“The only thing I told them…I said I love your music, but this is still a poetry festival, so maybe tone it down a bit,” he says.

But rap isn’t the only change attendees will see this Sunday.

“Not everything is different, but most of it is,” Nanuq says. “We’ve kept the best of our traditions but we’ve thrown out everything else.”

Still, there’s one thing Nanuq admits he has no control over: the weather. According to the forecast, Sunday’s event will be a pretty chilly one.

“There is the risk of frozen nose syndrome, but we hope there’ll be plenty to keep you warm enough to avoid it,” he says.

The Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic, which is in its 21st year, will begin at 10:00 a.m. Park time on Sunday, March 20.

TMD policy could harm Park media’s Month Without Metaphor: Tinamou

By

MonthWMThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not revealing the names and species of its reporters could jeopardize the success of Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor, says Alvin Tinamou.[pullquote]We are living in an age of incredible transparency, yet Haas runs her newspaper from the darkness of a cave. It’s high time The Mammalian Daily let its readers judge its quality and its authority by themselves.—Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger[/pullquote]

In a front page piece that appeared in his newspaper today, Tinamou—the publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the May event—called on TMD managing editor Orphea Haas to “modernize” and to “get out ahead of your colleagues’ criticism.”

“We are living in an age of incredible transparency, yet Haas runs her newspaper from the darkness of a cave. Those old ways of wielding authority in that manner have given way. It’s high time The Mammalian Daily let its readers know who is reporting their news so they can judge its quality and its authority by themselves,” he wrote.

Tinamou also accused The Mammalian Daily of being hypocritical by participating in Month Without Metaphor (MWM), saying the annual media event was meant to strip news reporting of its “fiction, obfuscation, and obscurity” and replace it with simplicity and clarity.

“How can this event be taken seriously by other media and grow in to the movement it was meant to be when one of its major participants refuses to stop pulling the wool over its readers’ eyes?” he asks.

Yannis Tavros threatens to reveal names of Mammalian Daily reporters

By

YannisTavros BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has its lawyers poised to file a cease and desist order if Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros makes good on his promise to reveal the names of all of the newspaper’s journalists.

In a tweet this morning, Tavros said he planned to reveal the name of one journalist per day until he has named them all:

Tavros tweet

In an earlier tweet, the talk show host asked his followers if they agreed that it was time for the newspaper to reveal the names and species of its reporters. Tavros also claimed last week on his radio show that ninety per cent of Park Animals think it’s time for the paper to make the move toward transparency. He claimed the figure of ninety per cent came from a poll that he commissioned in February, just after Groundhog Day.

“The Animals of this Park have spoken and The Mammalian Daily should listen,” Tavros said in closing his show last Thursday.

In a statement issued an hour after the tweet was posted, TMD Managing Editor Orphea Haas said she would not be bullied into changing the paper’s longstanding policy of anonymous reporting.

“The Mammalian Daily will not bow to pressure from outsiders, particularly those who demonstrate a profound lack of journalistic integrity. When and if our editorial team decides to change our longstanding policy of anonymous reporting, it will be as a result of deep thought, full discussion, and conviction, It will not be the result of bullying,” the statement said.

Tavros has thus far not responded to Haas’s statement, nor has he indicated when he intends to begin naming the reporters.

Police, DWBS confirm Humans took photos of Park Animals in hibernation

By

Hibernating Animal

The Mammalian Daily publishes this photo with the permission of Park Police

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) confirmed today that a group of Humans was responsible for taking and distributing photos showing Park Animals in various stages of hibernation.

At a joint press briefing this morning, Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations and Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crime Unit (SHCU) revealed the findings of their investigation.

“We are here to confirm that through extensive investigation we have determined that a group of Humans was responsible for the cache of photos in question that was distributed via the internet in January,” Addax said.

The photos, which Police confirmed were taken by cameras installed secretly in hibernators’ burrows, were posted serially, at the rate of approximately one every half-hour, on January 23. They appeared simultaneously on an internet site run by Humans and on The Park’s gossip web site, headsNtales.

Police also confirmed that they had questioned the gossip site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo. They did not say what they learned from Guacamayo, nor whether she and her co-founder would be charged for posting the photos. The name of the Humans’ web site has not been revealed.

Although police took no questions at the briefing, Kakapo was able to confirm rumours that the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) had been deployed during the investigation.

Balls columnist lends private collection to Park Museum’s new Flyball exhibition

By

Bailey Balls Columnist

Bailey: balls columnist and co-curator of Park Museum exhibition

The Mammalian Daily’s balls columnist has lent his private collection of balls to The Park Museum’s latest exhibition.

In a statement released today, the Board of Governors of The Park Museum and curator Dorika Pumi thanked Bailey for his “trust and generosity” in making the temporary donation and said the museum had benefitted immensely from his “vast knowledge of balls.”

Entitled, “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals,” the exhibition is the museum’s first sports-related event. According to the pre-opening information, it will not only highlight the sport of flyball, but will also serve as “a tribute to the enduring relationship between Animals and balls.”

Last July, Bailey announced that he was taking a leave of absence from his column at the newspaper to co-curate the exhibition along with the museum’s head curator Dorika Pumi. His private collection of balls includes over twenty different types, most of which he or his ancestors have used in play. Some, which were bought at auction, date from pre-zoocratic times.

The opening date for the exhibition has not yet been announced, but a spokesAnimal for the museum says public viewing will follow a gala opening, “in the early Spring.”

Time Marches on: here’s what happened in The Park in February

By

WatchDog groups warns of impending newspaper warFocus On: Archons’ Address

Groundhog Day recap: great weather, massive turnout, POPS sees shadow

Directors’ Guild ousted me as prez due to my politics: Douglas Cheetah

Politics, violence mar celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader

Gunnar Rotte, Douglas Cheetah to debate tomorrow on Yannis Tavros show

Wilkommen, Bienvenue: A guide to welcoming back our hibernating friends

No-biting rule suspended for police at Saturday’s Return of the Nut: gossip site

Rapper Will.o.be. under fire for criticism of zoocracy after Return of the Nut

Mating Dance organizers announce partnership with gewper for 2016 event

Rehearsals to resume in March on Millicent Hayberry mystery series

Hair and skin colouring, stripe removal hurt Park, says Artifice Destiny author

Hair and skin colouring, stripe removal hurt Park, says Artifice Destiny author

By

Look! No stripes on this Zebra.

The author of a controversial new book published by Prionailurus Press says that the growing popularity of aesthetic changes such as stripe removal and artificial hair and skin colouring will have devastating long-term effects on The Park and its citizens.

In an interview this week, Artifice Destiny author Marika Kaméleon told The Mammalian Daily that such alterations to our natural selves will not only change the way we see ourselves and each other, but they will also have a detrimental effect on Park politics, government, and our collective commitment to zoocracy.

“The basis of our life here is a commitment to viewing each other equally, regardless of species, size, or colour and this kind of artifice makes a mockery of that,” she said.

Kaméleon, who is also a therapist at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, said she has already seen a number of younger patients who see procedures such as stripe removal as “adaptive” ways to avoid the extinction of their species.

“They come here talking about the hatred they’ve experienced and the threat to their lives and the future of their species, but they don’t see that caving in to hatred and prejudice is not an adaptation so much as a surrender. Some say it’s their version of ‘fight or flight’ but I say no to that. Moving in the direction of homogeneity is not the answer,” she said.

Kaméleon’s book became a bestseller almost as soon as it was released last week, but it has garnered its share of controversy, particularly from The Park’s business community and its grooming houses, some of which still offer stripe removal services.

“I have always been against the procedure, personally, but I don’t feel as if I have the right to deny it to Animals who seek it,” said Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “I don’t think it’s fair of Kaméleon, as a therapist, to advise her patients against doing something that might help them feel better.”

Rehearsals to resume in March on Millicent Hayberry mystery series

By

Millicent Hayberry

Millicent Hayberry: Back onstage at the Burrow Theatre April 8

Rehearsals will resume next week at The Park’s Burrow Theatre for the Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series starring renowned actress Millicent Hayberry.

A spokesAnimal for the theatre confirmed director Jean-Luc Briard’s tweet of February 23, in which he said he was “Getting into shape for Tuesday rehearsal.” According to the theatre, rehearsals begin on Tuesday, March 1, a little over a month before the April 8 opening.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, emerged from hibernation on Groundhog Day and has been resting since, but is said to be anxious to return to work.

“Millicent lives for her work and if she could, she’d skip hibernation altogether in favour of working,” said a close friend of the actress.

Despite that, rehearsals that were scheduled for the month of February were cancelled, in part due to Hayberry’s physical state.

“She was weak coming out of hibernation, which isn’t surprising,” said the same friend. “But her spirits are high and they will carry her through the first gruelling days of rehearsal all the way to the opening.”

For his part, Gianfranco Colocolo, the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl, has yet to name the mystery series, preferring to keep that as a mystery, as well. Tickets for the series (single plays or for the whole series) will go on sale in mid-March at The Burrow Theatre.

Mating Dance organizers announce partnership with gewper for 2016 event

By

Dachsunds in love

Scented social networking site gewper will participate in the 2016 Mating Dance

Organizers of The Park’s annual Mating Dance announced today that gewper will play a major rôle in this year’s event.[pullquote]As we all know, scent is a major part of our lives—perhaps the most important sense for many of us—and the rôle that scent plays in mating is significant.—Viviette Lapine, Chief Organizer, Mating Dance[/pullquote]

At a press conference held this morning, Mating Dance chief organizer Viviette Lapine confirmed the Dance’s partnership with The Park’s only scented social networking site.

“We are thrilled that gewper has agreed to partner with us for this year’s event. As we all know, scent is a major part of our lives—perhaps the most important sense for many of us—and the rôle that scent plays in mating is significant. In this context, ‘scents make perfect sense,’ ” she said, as she invoked the web site’s signature phrase.

Executives from RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., gewper’s developers and de facto owners, appeared happy as Lapine spoke about the partnership, which will likely rehabilitate their brand after the fiasco of their collaboration with Tab Tricolore on his scented holiday television program in December.

Lapine also confirmed that they will again be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services. Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 18 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP). The Mating Dance will occur on Thursday, May 5.

Rapper Will.o.be. under fire for criticism of zoocracy after Return of the Nut

By

Rapper Will.o.be.

Rapper Will.o.be: “Animals are not fit for self-rule.”

First, it was Douglas Cheetah. Now, Rapper Will.o.be. is coming under fire for remarks he made at The Park’s emotional Return of the Nut ceremony on Saturday.

Just minutes after 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf returned the Nut to The Park’s hibernating community, swearing the ancient oath that it was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” the singer and composer made some incendiary remarks to a Mammalian Daily Television (TMDTV) reporter.

In a “live at the scene” interview, the beloved musician criticized the Archons’ Groundhog Day address, as well as the Archons themselves, saying that they “embodied everything that is wrong with zoocracy.”

A shocked television audience then found themselves subjected to a barrage of specist comments, as Will.o.be. declared that “Fish do not speak for me,” that “[Chief Archon] Mink does not speak for me,” and that “very few other Animals have any idea what it’s like to be Feline.”

The composer and singer then went on a rampage against Animal self-rule, declaring that most Animals are not able to run their own lives, let alone the lives of millions of other Animals of all species.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in the Human world and I know that it doesn’t work there, either,” he said.

Minutes after the broadcast, Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS), TMDTV’s parent company, issued an apology for the rapper’s remarks, saying they did not reflect in any way the views of MDANS or its employees.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2026
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031