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Hayberry superfan succumbs to illness

July 14, 2015 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

Tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine

This tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine appeared outside the Burrow Theatre

BREAKING NEWS

Xanthippe Porcupine, who proclaimed herself to be actress Millicent Hayberry’s “greatest fan,” died last night at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. She was six years old.

The death was confirmed in a statement released by Porcupine’s daughter Carys, this morning.

“It is with great sadness that the family of Xanthippe Porcupine announces her death last night, after a long illness. Xanthippe was a great daughter, sister, friend, mate, mother, and grandmother. But, above all, she liked to think of herself as Millicent Hayberry’s greatest fan. Her family will always be grateful to the actress, who always expressed kindness and appreciation when she met Xanthippe,” the statement read.

Porcupine attended a record number of Hayberry performances before she became ill, but she was probably best known for keeping a two-month vigil outside the Park Hospital while Hayberry recovered from an attack by another fan on the set of the film production of “Mixed Nuts” in 2011.

A memorial service is planned for Porcupine on Saturday. Millicent Hayberry could not be reached for comment.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: Hayberry superfan dies, passings

This year’s first case of Small Ball Fever diagnosed at Park Hospital

July 13, 2015 By Keelin Gabhar, TMD Health and Science Reporter

Small Ball FeverBREAKING NEWS

The Park has seen its first case of Small Ball Fever this year.

In a statement issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm said the hospital “is confirming the first case of Small Ball Fever (SBF) in 2015.”

According to Hermione Hippo, the hospital’s head nurse and Assistant Professor at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, the hospital expects to see a resurgence of the disease this year.

Hippo, who will be delivering a lecture on Small Ball Fever at the university next week, said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio) that The Park was “spared” for a while due to June’s heavy rainfall.

“For a while, it looked as though we might escape any incidence of SBF this year. Last year, we experienced the lowest incidence of any year since 2005, when we started gathering statistics. But the surge in temperatures has brought out an almost record number of small balls,” she said.

Hippo also confirmed that the hospital has hired a ball watcher as well as a ball catcher for the Summer months.

“With the sudden rise in temperatures, we were seeing small balls entering The Park from every direction and we needed a lot of help keeping up with them. We are storing them in a safe, temperature-controlled room at the hospital and we intend to return them at some point later in the Autumn,” she said.

Small Ball Fever occurs because small balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued a Small Ball Fever warning, as well, advising Animals who think they may be experiencing any of the above symptoms to report immediately to the hospital. It has also directed all Animals to its online pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Health and Medicine, Park Life Tagged With: golf balls, small ball fever

PFO head’s remark hints at new attitude to tourism promotion

July 3, 2015 By Bergrún Íkorna, TMD Business Reporter

2015 Budget

 

In an interview yesterday with reporter Alfonsina Cavalletta of the Serangga Star Adviser, the head of the Park Finance Office (PFO) said she believed that tourism is “organic” and may not require much help from officials.

In response to a question about the promotion of tourism in The Park, Valentina Abeja said she believed that “tourism is an organic force and it builds on itself and from itself.”

Later in the interview, Abeja, who took office in February of this year, expanded on her views regarding tourism and its importance to The Park.

“I’ve listened to many of our shopkeepers over the past few months and they say they believe strongly that tourism is irrelevant to their bottom line. In some cases, I must say that I agree with them. In other cases, I think we could improve on our past ventures. I think we need to promote ourselves to a different kind of Human, as well as to domestic Animals. I think we missed the mark there. Perhaps if we bypass the Humans altogether and go directly to their Animal companions, we will attract a more profitable tourist. As it stands, however, our attempts have not yielded significant gains. I believe we need to revisit this area entirely,” she said.

Abeja will present the 2016 Park Budget in August.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: 2015 budget, tourism promotion

“Harmonious” pair newest tool to promote rapport among Park’s young

July 2, 2015 By Thaddeus S. Loris, TMD Health and Safety Reporter

Harmonious pair

Harmonious Humphrey (left) and Harmonious Hannah will make their debut on Sunday

Meet Harmonious Humphrey and Harmonious Hannah.

The pair of stuffed toys, whose creation was commissioned by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), are set to make their professional debut this week, at July’s first Stereotype Sunday.

“We are very pleased to introduce them…our new mascots of interspecial harmony,” said DWBS Public Relations Director Cornelius Kakapo at a press gathering this afternoon. The gathering was held outside the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, where the weekly event occurs.

The stuffed Animals, who stand five and a half feet tall, were available for photographs for only a short time today before they were whisked away to an undisclosed location. According to Kakapo, they won’t appear again until Sunday.

“We just wanted to give you a heads-up,” he told reporters, smiling wryly as he handed out information packets to the media.

This is the first initiative to promote interspecial harmony that has been aimed at youth, Kakapo said.

“Our youth are the future of The Park. We need to focus more on them, on training their minds and hearts, steering them in the direction of harmony, equality, and justice. Because it is far easier to plant a seed than it is to relocate a tree,” he said.

The stuffed pair will make the rounds at this week’s Stereotype Sunday, encouraging young Animals to ask questions about other species and to make new friends.

“We’ll be watching their [the harmonious pair’s] progress and tweaking their rôle along the way,” Kakapo said.

This week’s Stereotype Sunday will take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre from 1:00 pm until 6:00 pm.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: harmony, interspecial harmony, peace

In case you missed it: our monthly recap

July 1, 2015 By TMD Reporters

Sheep reading newspaperJune 1-15

Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: Schedule of Events released

Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: The Official Schedule of Events

Police confirm early morning break-in at Holstein Fashion’s main factory

Yannis Tavros in hot water again after “temptsters in the teapot” remark

By invitation: Feral Four to perform newest song at Feline Fiction Fest

Chitter Radio Literary Awards: Woodruff Dalmatio’s “Fine Lines and Wrinkles”

Noreen’s commencement address: five phrases for you to grow forward with

June 15-30

Sheep reading newspaper reversedLottery will decide who gets tickets to Barkettes’ free Memorial Pond concert

Tab Tricolore shocker: “I was neutered.”

Six arrested for stripespotting: Police

The Park Museum presents…”The Wall”

Archons ask DWBS for report on “state of hate” as SplotchWatch trial continues

Extinction Anxiety Clinic to open second location next year

Filed Under: Breaking News Tagged With: in case you missed it, June recap

Extinction Anxiety Clinic to open second location next year

June 30, 2015 By Keelin Gabhar, TMD Health and Science Reporter

Extinction AnxietyThe Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will open a second location early next year.

The clinic’s head, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, made the announcement in the following communiqué released to the press this morning:

“Since the first Extinction Anxiety Clinic opened in January 2013, our team has assisted Park Animals who experience the debilitating effects of Extinction Anxiety (EA) every day. Thousands of Animals have been the beneficiaries of our work, but we know there is much more to do. For this reason, we have decided to open a second clinic early in the new year.

It is our hope that expanding our premises to accommodate the growing number of Animals who experience EA will also enable us to expand our services beyond what we are able to offer presently. EA is a rapidly growing field and we look forward to having the opportunity to offer our patients the latest techniques based on the most recent research findings.”

According to the communiqué, the new clinic will be located in a building adjacent to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. The clinic will take over a space that was previously used by the Small Ball Fever Research Group.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Health and Medicine, Park Life Tagged With: extinction anxiety

Archons ask DWBS for report on “state of hate” as SplotchWatch trial continues

June 29, 2015 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

State of Hate report

“State of Hate in The Park” report will be compiled by DWBS this year

BREAKING NEWS

In an unprecedented move, the 2015 Archons have requested a report from the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) on what they call the “state of hate” in The Park.

After an emergency meeting of the Archons and the DWBS that concluded at 9:30 this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta released a statement announcing that the Department of Well-Being and Safety had agreed to compile the report and deliver it to the Archons before the end of the year.

According to the Archons’ statement, the report will be based on incidents of a hateful and specist nature that have occurred in The Park over the last three years.

While the statement did not name specific incidents, the Archons acknowledged that certain events that have occurred in the recent past had forced them to take a closer look at hate and specism in The Park.

“While we are, in no way, implying that the majority of Park Animals hold these types of prejudices or are inclined toward violence or hatred, we do wish to acknowledge that there is a growing tendency among a small minority to act in ways that are harmful to The Park and its citizens,” the Archons said in their statement.

The arrest of six Animals for stripespotting last week and the ongoing trial of the owner of the SplotchWatch web site have made many in The Park uncomfortable and fearful, the statement said.

“We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals,” the statement concluded.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: hate crimes, hatred, prejudice, specism, specist crimes, stripespotting

The Park Museum presents…”The Wall”

June 26, 2015 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

Dorika Pumi, curator at The Park Museum, has produced a simple yet powerful piece entitled, “Pet Project: Monikers of Domestication,” to honour Enforced Domestication Awareness Month in The Park:

Pumi used one whole museum wall at the west side of the main building, as the backdrop for the video.

“There is no voiceover or commentary,” Pumi emphasizes. “The video speaks for itself.”

“The Wall,” as Pumi refers to it, will be on display at the museum until the end of the year.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: animal domestication, pet names, the wall

Six arrested for stripespotting: Police

June 25, 2015 By TMD Crime Reporters

StripespottingBREAKING NEWS

Six Park Animals were arrested and are currently in jail awaiting a bail hearing after being charged with stripespotting within the boundaries of The Park.

In a short statement released at noon today, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) confirmed the arrest early this morning.

“On the morning of June 25, Park Police attended at the site of the Ancient Oak Tree and found six Animals, residents of The Park, engaged in the illegal activity of stripespotting. Following confirmation of these activities, Police arrested all six Animals. The Animals are now at the Park Jail awaiting the assessment of bail charges and the setting of dates for trial,” the statement said.

Legal experts told The Mammalian Daily that the arrested Animals are likely to be waiting in jail for some time.

“They picked a bad day to be arrested, particularly on those charges,” said Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

Terrier was referring to the fact that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court is presently hearing opening arguments on the first day of the trial of SplotchWatch owner and operator Raimundo Zorro. In April, Zorro was charged with two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord” by means of operating the SplotchWatch web site, which names Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed.

“I don’t think there’ll be much sympathy for those Animals today, not if they were caught stripespotting,” Terrier said.

The act of stripespotting, which is a form of bullying, involves pointing to and calling out striped Animals as they pass by. The calling out is usually done in a threatening voice. Although some Animals still consider it a harmless prank or even a valid pastime, the act itself was outlawed eleven years ago and, according to Terrier, those few who still practise it can expect harsh punishment from the courts.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: bullying, prank, prejudice, racism, specism, stripespotting

Tab Tricolore shocker: “I was neutered.”

June 24, 2015 By Thaddeus S. Loris, TMD Health and Safety Reporter

Tab Tricolore

The renowned chef and restaurateur says he was forcibly neutered by Humans

Speaking out for the first time since his return to The Park in early January, Chef Tab Tricolore recounted the details surrounding his December disappearance in a radio interview  yesterday. He also spoke candidly about the obvious changes in his behaviour.

“I was forcibly taken from The Park and neutered,” he told host Yannis Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show yesterday afternoon.

“I was trapped by Humans while sourcing food for Klo [Tricolore’s fine dining establishment]. Of course, I didn’t know it was a trap. I sniffed something incredible and thought I have to get some of that for tonight’s service. It was something I’d never tasted before. It had a different aroma from anything I’d ever smelled. I think it was smoked. As soon as I’d ingested a piece of it, I heard a door slam behind me and I realized what had happened,” he said.

Tavros, who sounded visibly shaken by the revelation, asked Tricolore if he had tried to escape.

“There was no escaping,” Tricolore replied. “But I did manage to draw blood from a number of them.”

He said he was put in the back of a van and realized he was only one of many who’d been caught that morning.

“We all had the same story. It was terrifying. At that moment, I realized it didn’t matter who you were or what you’d accomplished. Humans see us as all the same.”

Tricolore said that, along with the others, he was taken to a clinic where he was anaesthetized and then neutered.

“I woke up in this prison cell. It was horrible. Some of the hair was missing from my arm and my whole body ached. I was parched, but there was no water bowl. A few hours later, they brought me some food and water…something awful that came out of a can. I don’t know what it was. But I was so hungry, I ate it. I spent a couple of days there, never going out, never seeing the light of day. There were at least a dozen of us. We were in the middle of planning an escape when three Humans came in with the biggest cage I’ve ever seen. They herded us into it and then back into the van and dropped us off just outside The Park.”

The renowned  chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author said he “struggled every day with the reality of what happened to him” until he finally came to a “place of acceptance.”

“It’s done,” he said, matter-of-factly. “There’s nothing I can do to undo it. I could, as some have suggested, plot my revenge. But these Humans are dangerous and there’s no guarantee I could survive an attempt at revenge,” he said.

Instead, Tricolore said he’d rather use his new and hard-won knowledge to educate Park Animals. And that’s the reason he chose to speak out during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

“I’m a different Cat now. There’s no getting away from that. Some say I’m ‘mellow,’ but that’s just a euphemism. I’m just not the same. But I think I can do some good and that’s what I’m trying to do. If I can prevent this from happening to one other Cat, it will have been worth it,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life Tagged With: neutering, Tab Tricolore, TNR

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