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Lottery will decide who gets tickets to Barkettes’ free Memorial Pond concert

June 20, 2015 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

Barkettes #4 ticket
Tickets to Thisbe and the Barkettes ‘ free concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond will be assigned by lottery, it was announced today.

In a joint statement released this morning, the promoter, Iglu Entertainment, and the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, said the decision to hold a lottery for the tickets rather than sell them on a first-come, first-served basis was made “to add a degree of fairness to the process.”

“The event will be a very emotional one for us in The Park and we felt that adding a rush for tickets would make it even more emotional for those who wish to attend. As a result, we have taken the decision to hold a lottery for the tickets, which are free of charge,” the statement said.

In addition, the statement confirmed that no tickets will be held back for Archons or Park celebrities and that only a few tickets will be held for the Tartan Crab’s immediate family. That decision was made at the request of the Barkettes, the statement said.

The group will be wrapping up The Park’s portion of their Bring Your Own Bone tour in August, with one final concert at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The date for that concert will be announced next week.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture, Thisbe and the Barkettes Tagged With: Barkettes, concerts, tartan crab

Noreen’s commencement address: five phrases and one word for you to grow forward with

June 15, 2015 By Nienke Varken, TMD Education Reporter

UWT COAT“Students, families, President, Governors: Thank you. If ever there was one word that could hold a lifetime of advice, it is this: Yield.”

I stand here today humbled. Humbled by the invitation to speak to you, the graduating class of 2015. Humbled as a Canine who never attended the University of West Terrier or, indeed, any institution of higher learning. Humbled as a Canine who has, in many ways, lived by her wits and, by doing so, has found a home here among your esteemed educators.

When I first received the invitation from your President and Governors, I was overwhelmed. It seemed like the most daunting of tasks, thinking of something of substance to tell the young as they embark on adult life. While as an advice columnist and researcher, I was used to telling you what I’d observed and experienced in my lifetime, I couldn’t imagine what I could tell you about what you may observe and experience in your lifetime.

Then, after much deliberation, I realized that some of the best advice I could offer was, in fact, no advice at all. Instead, I’ve chosen to give you the gift of “food for thought” and to allow you, yourselves, to ponder your own future.

What I’m going to say to you today may seem simple, even trite, perhaps obvious, or even irrelevant. But as you move through life, I can almost guarantee, you will gain an increasing understanding of its relevance. So, my only piece of advice is this: keep this short list handy and refer to it from time to time. You will be amazed at how these few phrases impart even more wisdom as you age.

What I have to offer you today can be summed up in five phrases—and one word. These are phrases that I have culled from—gasp—the Human world. That is, after all, my area of study.

During my travels and, particularly, during my recent book tour, I had the good fortune to observe the many pieces of advice that Humans post openly in their world. I’ve discovered that Humans are quite clever in the way they plaster their highways and byways with wise sayings. I have selected a few of these to offer you today and I will demonstrate their relevance to your own life.

  1. Always secure your own [oxygen] mask first before assisting others
    I confess, I was confused by this sign before I was able to glean its true meaning. It is not, as it appears, a call to abandon altruism. Rather, it is a warning to all living beings to make sure that they are in a position to follow through on any help they offer others. Make sure your own foundation is strong before you make promises and if it is not, strengthen it first. Don’t abandon a job halfway because you run out of resources. Plan ahead.
  2.  No Parking
    Stagnation is the enemy of all living beings. You must keep moving, physically, mentally, emotionally. Don’t settle for comfort. Yes, enjoy the fruits of your labour and of your luck. But don’t stop there. There is always much work to be done in the world and never enough time for any one generation to do it.
  3.  No Diving Allowed
    This may seem almost the opposite of what I’ve just said, but it is not. And, I admit, the Human fear of failure is evident here. But after a bit more thought, I realized that this was only a warning against precipitous action. Make sure you’ve done your research, have a backup plan and a support system. Make sure the water is deep enough before you dive in.
  4. Yield
    If ever there was one word that could hold a lifetime of advice, it is this: Yield. Particularly in The Park, where the lives of so many different species converge, there is no better piece of advice that one could give than to yield. Step aside. Let others pass. Make sure your fellow citizens get what they need. You will never regret it.
  5. This bag is not a toy
    As I’m sure you can see, this phrase can have a variety of meanings, but none is a warning against play. And while the true meaning of this phrase seemed elusive to me for some time, I have come to understand it more fully in the last year. Play is good—and necessary—but make sure you understand the boundaries of its arena. Some things, though not all, warrant seriousness, even gravity. Be sure you can distinguish one from the other.
  6. The objects in the mirror are closer than they appear
    And now, perhaps the most important of all. Humans have a phrase, “History repeats itself.” The sad fact is that it does. It is incumbent upon us to understand that whatever gains we make—as individuals, as species, or as any large group—may be undone in an instant if we are not vigilant. Look in the rearview mirror often. Understand the past. Understand where you and your ancestors came from and what their lives were like. And never forget it. History is not fiction. The horrors of the past can easily creep back up on us to become the horrors of the present. Be attuned: those footsteps are never very far behind.

And, so, I conclude here, leaving you with a few things to think about as you move forward in your lives.

To you, the class of 2015, I wish everything good: health, happiness, the chance to pursue your goals, and to live as long a life as your species allows. Congratulations!”

This address was delivered by Noreen at the University of West Terrier commencement ceremonies on June 1, 2015.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Noreen, Park Life Tagged With: commencement address, Noreen

Chitter Radio Literary Awards: Woodruff Dalmatio’s “Fine Lines and Wrinkles”

June 13, 2015 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

Woodruff DalmatioSPOTLIGHT ON…

Fine Lines and Wrinkles: Standing up for Comedy in the Modern Park
by Woodruff Dalmatio
275 pp Kynikos Press

On the list of contenders for this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards is Woodruff Dalmatio’s insightful and hilarious memoir-cum-rant, Fine Lines and Wrinkles: Standing up for Comedy in the Modern Park. 

The Park comic, whose book is entered in both the memoir and humour categories, was last heard calling for a “Month Without Media” in response to The Park’s annual “Month Without Metaphor.” He is otherwise known for his outrageous standup comedy which found him running “afowl” of certain species last year.

While Dalmatio was censured for some inappropriate comments and he lost a few gigs, he’s made up for it in this book, not by taking the high road per se, but by delineating for his audience and readers the road that comics travel.

“There’s a fine line between humour and offence and comedians try to walk it every day,” he says in the book’s introduction. “Unfortunately, they stumble quite often.”

And about those wrinkles? Dalmatio contends they’re never anticipated and always a surprise. But here’s another wrinkle: he says they’re never unwelcome.

“The minute you step off the stage, the chatter begins and you never know where it will lead. You think you’ve had a smooth set, and then you find there’s a wrinkle in it. And, sometimes, that wrinkle grows huge and you have to do something to iron things out again. But without those wrinkles, your career would be stagnant,” he writes.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards take place June 15.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: canine comedy, fine lines and wrinkles, standup comedy

By invitation: Feral Four to perform newest song at Feline Fiction Fest

June 8, 2015 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

FelineFictionFest croppedFor the first time in its history, the Feline Fiction Fest will add a musical component to its literary celebration. And the music will be supplied by The Feral Four.

The addition to the programme was announced this morning in this joint statement released by the literary festival’s organizers and by Colony Records, the group’s label:

“The Feline Fiction Fest is pleased to announce that The Feral Four has accepted our invitation to perform at our 2015 festival, which takes place June 16-18. The group has generously offered to perform six concerts in total: afternoon and evening concerts on each of the three days of the festival. They will also be introducing their newest song, TNR, in honour of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.”

The Park’s Social media sites lit up as soon as the statement was released, in part due to the fact that the group hasn’t performed alone in almost four years.

“The Feral Four performing SIX count ’em concerts at FFF! We’ll be there! #fictionneversoundedsogood” wrote the group’s fan club on gaggle.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: feline fiction fest, fiction, park music makers, the feral four

Yannis Tavros in hot water again, after “temptsters in the teapot” remark

June 5, 2015 By Juho Morsk, TMD Media Reporter

YannisTavros It didn’t take long for The Park’s most notorious radio talk show host to find himself at the centre of another controversy.

During the call-in portion of his weekday talk show on Thursday, Tavros interrupted a caller who was talking about Enforced Domestication Awareness Month to put forth a theory that not all his listeners, nor all Park Animals, liked.

“What is happening here seems so simple to figure out,” Tavros opined. “Park life is just too difficult for a lot of Animals. And I think that’s the reason so many who have escaped domestic situations return to them. I call them ‘temptsters’. Tempted by the freedom that Park life offers, but only temporary residents because they are either unable or unwilling to do the work that zoocracy demands. What we have here is a case of temptsters stirring up the teapot,” he said.

When the caller on the other end hung up, Tavros saw it as a green light to continue:

“And I think we need to rethink our immigration policy and put a cap on the resources we use helping the formerly-domesticated to adjust to Park life. It may not be for all Animals,” he concluded.

No sooner had the words exited his mouth than the radio station’s phones lit up, social media went wild, and Tavros found himself involved in yet another imbroglio.

Within ten minutes of his uttering the remark, Toro Talk Radio had taken Tavros off the air and filled the remaining hour with “The Best of Yannis.”

Soon thereafter, an online petition began circulating, calling for both an apology from Tavros and his resignation. The petition was initiated and signed by a number of The Park’s immigrant aid groups and charities, including Runaway Rovers, Cats Care, Home to Roost, the Tortoise Immigrant Aid and Mentor Programme, and LynxLink.

The radio station, thus far, has made no formal statement regarding the incident.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Media, Park Life Tagged With: bull, controversy, radio talk show host, Yannis Tavros

Police confirm early morning break-in at Holstein Fashion’s main factory

June 4, 2015 By TMD Crime Reporters

Holstein Fashion

Police confirmed an early morning break-in at the main factory of Holstein Fashion

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police have confirmed that an early morning break-in occurred at the main factory of Holstein Fashion on Monday.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed the break-in, saying only that it occurred in the early morning hours of Monday, June 1.

They refused to offer any other details, including whether anything was stolen or destroyed.

“We can’t divulge that information right now,” Inspector Addax told a reporter from The Mammalian Daily. “It would get in the way of the investigation.”

Addax would only say that there were “no injuries to any Animals” as a result of the break-in. For her part, Inspector Fossa said that her unit was called in subsequent to the SHCU’s investigation.

“They were called to the scene after Park Police were alerted to the occurrence of suspicious noises at the factory by a passerby,” Fossa said. “Approximately one hour and forty minutes later, my unit received a call to attend at the scene.”

Also present at the press conference was Cornelius Kakapo, the Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS). While Inspectors Addax and Fossa refused to speculate on the motives of the perpetrator or perpetrators of the crime, Kakapo was quick to assure Park Animals that they are safe and he recommended “going about our business as usual.”

“This is a nuisance crime,” he said. “It is not a crime that implies either a generalized or specific threat.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life Tagged With: break-in, hate crimes, specist crimes

Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: The Official Schedule of Events

June 2, 2015 By Elspeth Duper, TMD Social Events Reporter

The Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations are pleased to release the following Official Schedule of Events for the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month:

[table]
Date,Event,Location
6/1-30, It Could Happen To You: Tools of Domestication Exhibit and Recorded Presentation, Park Museum,
6/1-30, Domestication in the Piscine World: Interactive Exhibit,University of West Terrier Underwater Campus
6/1-30, Collar and Tag Surrender and Exchange, Footpad Heaven
6/2, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/ 6,“Super Goof” comic launch ,New Harmony Theatre
6/8, Experts Live Panel Discussion (participants to be announced), University of West Terrier
6/9, Squeakeasy in the Afternoon: Victims’ Stories Noon-5, The Squeakeasy
6/ 9, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/10,The Psychological Effects of Domestication: Panel Discussion/Q & A, Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm
6/12, Tab Tricolore hosts All You Can Eat Free, The Tabby Club & The Broop ‘n Miaow
6/13, Karaoke Night for The Domesticated Blues hosted by The Cynics, The Pound Gastropub
6/15, Advice for the Formerly Domesticated: Medical Updates plus Q & A, Extinction Anxiety Clinic
6/16, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/18, Dear Noreen: Is All Domestication Enforced?, University of West Terrier
June 19-21, LeTwiggery Avian Event: Come in and get your coupon for a free Ready-to-Feather™ Nest!, LeTwiggery
6/21, Concert of Celebration, The Draft
06/22, Holstein Fashion for EQUALSS: 50% off Spring inventory; lots of free items; get your “I Love My Stripes and Spots” button; coupon for free 3-course meal at The Tabby Club, Footpad Heaven
6/23, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/25-26, Victims’ Stories (register at DWBS to tell your story), Ancient Open-Air Theatre
6/28, Time for Inspiration: Free tour of Imogen Aardeekhoorn’s burrow, The Burrow Theatre
6/30, Concert for Charity (Purchase The Feral Four’s new single TNR. All proceeds go to CatsCare) , Ancient Open-Air Theatre
6/30, Concert After-Party, The PurrBoy Café@The Park Museum

[/table]

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, official schedule of events

Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: Schedule of Events released

June 1, 2015 By Elspeth Duper, TMD Social Events Reporter

Enforced Domestication 1The 2015 Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, have released the official schedule of events for Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.[pullquote]I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin.—Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo [/pullquote]

In a short speech this morning during which she declared the event open, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo seemed visibly moved as she spoke of her pride in the growth of the month-long event.

“This is only our third Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, yet we have seen such an increase not only in our awareness, but in our willingness to talk about this issue. I take great pride in my involvement and I want to say that I am proud and humbled by our formerly domesticated citizens, whose bravery in discussing the reality of their lives inspires me every day of every month.

I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin,” she said.

This year’s events have expanded in number and location to include several Park art galleries, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and most Park shops and grooming houses.

The official schedule of events will be posted at the law courts, the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and at all Park shops. The Mammalian Daily will also issue a pullout printed version, as well as posting the schedule online.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Park Life Tagged With: awareness, enforced domestication, schedule of events

In case you missed it: May wrap-up

May 31, 2015 By TMD Reporters

Month Without MetaphorMay 1-15

The Barkettes at the Wishing Well: Tickets go on sale today!

Cynics to open Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

Gecko credits “stick-to-itiveness” for victory in 2015 Toe-Hair Contest

Noreen to be Barkettes’ special guest at opening concert in The Park on May 8

Barkettes triumph at sold-out concert

Barkettes’ set list disappears from theatre moments after concert ends

Alvin Tinamou to offer Month Without Metaphor advice daily on radio show

Month-Without-Metaphor-1024x810

May 16-31

Two rival Park chefs engage in war of words over award-winning artist’s work

Anselm Alpaca, former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist, dies at 19

Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja to present 2016 budget in August

Lookin’ good feelin’ fine, lost those metaphors and your prose will shine. Whoops!

Park’s journalism failing us all: Dean

Delay over, Tab Tricolore’s “La Langue au Repos” to open at PMoCA June 6

Park Weather Makers make impassioned plea at Agrarian Jubilee 

Noreen to deliver commencement address at University of West Terrier

Fowl Ball face-off: Police to be stationed outside grooming houses this Sunday

Tinamou: “We’re ready to call it. Month Without Metaphor is a roaring success.

No rest for the judiciary: ruling to come on grooming house call for injunction

Does of Peace to attend at grooming houses, no ruling on matter yet: Dindon

Filed Under: Breaking News

Does of Peace to attend at grooming houses, no ruling on matter yet: Dindon

May 31, 2015 By Viona Adelaar, TMD Justice and Legal Affairs Reporter

The Does of Peace will be at grooming houses until 6:30 p.m. tonight

BREAKING NEWS

Calling the issue “too important and too complex for a hasty weekend ruling,” Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has stayed the proceedings involving the request for an injunction against police presence at The Park’s grooming houses today and, instead, has requested that the Does of Peace take their place.

The Justice of The Park’s Superior Court made a brief statement late last night in which he explained that the matter under consideration was worthy of a great deal more “sober” thought than he could give it this weekend.

“I could not deliver a fair and balanced ruling in the little time afforded me before the Fowl Ball,” he said, as he read from a short, prepared speech.

“For this reason, I have called on the Does of Peace for assistance in the matter. Given the involvement of the Doves of Peace in Sunday’s Ball, I thought it better to make the request of the Does,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), applauded the decision.

“I think the Justice has done brilliantly and, on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, I applaud his decision. Let the Fowl Ball begin!” he said.

The Does of Peace agreed to the Justice’s request and will be outside The Park’s grooming houses from 8:00 a.m. until 6:30 this evening.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life Tagged With: Does of Peace, Doves or Peace, grooming houses, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon

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