The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Footpad Heaven braces for onslaught of shoppers at Sunday’s clearance sale

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Footpad HeavenCome one. Come all. Come early. And be prepared for long lineups and security at the door. But, remember, there’ll also be treats. And music.

That is what manager Adamma Bandicoot has been telling her clientele for the past few weeks when they’ve asked about the shop’s annual clearance sale.

Even though they’ll be selling last year’s stock, as they always do at this annual sale, Bandicoot says she’s sure they’ll sell out early this year.

“We’ve got prime stock for sale, and even though it’s technically last year’s, it’s brand new and some of the most coveted items we’ve ever sold,” she says.

Bandicoot, who traces her ancestry back to the shop’s founder, sculptor Josiah Bandicoot, is particularly proud of the line from Holstein Fashion. That includes some of the designs that were seen in the fashion show last year during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), as well as their regular line of paw coverings and stick-on striped and spotted toe pads. There are also a few items for sale from the collection honouring Zuberi Tembo, the Endeka Elephant Band’s late bassist. Bandicoot says she held back a few things from each collection just for this sale, but she warns that making them yours will take some time and patience.

If that’s not for you, there will be an express line for FP’s signature toepads and other accoutrement for which the shop is famous.

“We like to think w have something for every Animal,” Bandicoot says. “After all, we’re in the business of making our customers happy.”

Who: Footpad Heaven
What: Annual Clearance Sale
When: April 15, 7:00 a.m until closing time

Month Without Metaphor executive committee names new director

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mwm-posterThe executive committee of Park media’s annual Month Without Metaphor has named Ronald Grouse as director of the annual initiative.

The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst will take the reins on Monday and begin by expanding MWM’s reach through social media, says an announcement issued this morning.

A graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier, Grouse has been a frequent guest of Yannis Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show and a regular commentator during coverage of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations. He has worked at The Avian Messenger for the past eight years.

Grouse replaces Alvin Tinamou, who was one of the founders of Month Without Metaphor and who served as its director the past three years.

PASS: we’ll defy any law that stops us from doing business with Humans

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penguin waiterThe Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) sent a strong message to the Archons today: no law will stop its members from doing business with Humans.

At a press conference this morning, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig said his membership voted unanimously on Monday to defy any legislation brought forth by the Archons that would restrict Park Animals’ right to trade with Humans.

“Let’s be clear,” Whistlepig said. “There is no wiggle room here. Our membership cannot afford to pick and choose its customers. This is not about liking Humans or having any personal relationships with them. This is about the livelihood of our members.”

Asked why PASS members voted on an issue that is little more than a rumour at this point, Whistlepig was forthright.

“We felt we needed to get ahead of this, to let the Archons know where we stand on this issue and how we feel about the direction in which they seem to be heading. This is about our members’ very survival and, we believe, about the economic independence of The Park.”

 

BREAKING: Archons to outlaw Humans’ use of Park Animals as transport

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horse-drawn-carriageBREAKING NEWS
In a surprise announcement at a press briefing this afternoon, the Archons’ spokesAnimal, Balthasar Alouatta, said the Archons plan to enact legislation that will outlaw the use of our citizens and residents as transport for Humans both within and outside Park boundaries. He said the law will come into effect in early April.

Calling the new law “the first in a suite of laws that will codify the relationship between Park Animals and Humans,” Alouatta confirmed the Archons’ desire to “delineate formally the boundaries of the rights, abilities, and obligations of Humans as regards The Park’s population.”

“The Archons feel that the fluid relationship between Humans and Park Animals that has existed for decades must come to an end. Now that we have a mature zoocracy, they feel it is time to formally codify that relationship,” he said.

Although Alouatta did not take questions at the briefing, he did acknowledge the “many considerations” and difficulties that some Park Animals would experience as a result of the new legislation.

“It is not the intention of the Archons to make life difficult for Park Animals,” Alouatta said. “Rather, it is their intention to ensure that Park Animals will be treated with fairness and respect by Humans, now and in the years to follow,” he said.

Travel ban will hurt our students, art school director tells Archons

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Hani Gajah School of ArtThe director of the Hani Gajah School of Art has made a heartfelt plea to the Archons: don’t restrict Animals’ travel outside The Park.

In an open letter published across Park media, Nolwazi Indlovu pleads her case for students’ “unrestricted exposure to the wider world,” while addressing the Archons’ reported concerns about safety.

“We at The Park’s premier centre of artistic education share your concern for the safety of all Park Animals. From the beginning, we have put our students’ safety first, yet we have designed curricula that require them to spend time outside The Park. We believe that the value of their enrichment through unrestricted exposure to the wider world outweighs any risk that might be involved,” the letter reads in part.

The letter is a response to the February rumour that the Archons plan to restrict Animal’s travel due to the inability of our legal representatives to aid Animals who have been charged or detained outside The Park.

While other Park educational institutions also require their students to spend some time outside The Park, the Hani Gajah School would be more adversely affected by any travel ban, since its four-year programme requires one year of full-time residency outside The Park.

The letter to the Archons was signed by Indlovu as well as by former Hani Gajah instructor and current curator of The Park Museum’s art gallery, Dorika Pumi, Hani Gajah alumni Anastazja Koci and Hanad Maroodiga, and Aamuun Maroodiga, head curator, Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA).

 

Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

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3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

Archons, DWBS condemn “Cultivate Cuteness” campaign

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cuteness-postersThe Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) have issued a warning about a new campaign that has taken hold in The Park.

At a press conference early this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, and Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, condemned “in no uncertain terms” the campaign that advises Park Animals to “cultivate cuteness” in order to make themselves attractive to Humans.

“No matter what challenges we face in The Park, selling ourselves to Humans is not the solution,” Alouatta said. “We condemn in no uncertain terms this campaign that undermines our efforts to bring about fairness and equality for all. We are committed to Animal self-rule and we will not back down from it, even in the face of economic challenges and interspecial disharmony.”

The DWBS also had a warning for the campaign’s organizers:

“We will remain vigilant against your anti-zoocratic efforts and we will not hesitate to prosecute should any of The Park’s laws be broken,” Kakapo said.

Conspiracy theory or fact? Developers blame app failures on weather makers

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squirrel-with-gpsThe Park’s technology companies have launched the latest salvo in their ongoing war with weather makers and food growers.

In a full-page statement published today in most major newspapers, SINCAP and GVC De-Techt, two of The Park’s largest technology companies, accused the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) of manipulating the weather so as to render their food apps unreliable.

According to the statement, over the past two weeks, the food apps known as Bulb Beacon and TulipTracker have been unable to determine accurately the location of Spring bulbs. Their makers claim the WMPSAP deliberately purchased weather last year so as to undermine the reliability of their products and the trust of the companies’ customers.

“It is our belief that the members of the WMPSAP took it upon themselves to purchase weather for late Winter/early Spring that would confound our food-finding applications and thus undermine our business,” says the statement which is signed by SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava and GVC De-Techt CEO R.A. Vole.

The statement goes on to accuse the WMPSAP of colluding with the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) to bring down the technology that both groups feel is a threat to their existence.

“It appears that our inability to come to an agreement regarding our rôles in the production and procurement of food in The Park has led both these groups to take aggressive action against us. We call on them to cease this illegal activity immediately,” the statement concludes.

Neither the WMPSAP nor the SCPCPGF has responded to the statement.

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site TikTekTok, says both companies have been “swamped” by complaints from customers who purchased the apps last year.

“Most of the complaints are that the apps have turned up nothing,” Tapir says. “But some are more concerning, in that purchasers have been led astray, into some dangerous areas outside The Park. Whatever the cause, these problems need to be addressed immediately.”

Mob swarms biographer at book launch

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3d-tabby-king-croppedYesterday’s launch of Yoshita Tigru’s biography turned ugly as an angry mob swarmed the author the minute she arrived at The Literary Apothecary.

A scheduled book signing inside the store was cancelled and Tigru was escorted by Park police to a safe location, where she gave a series of interviews via the web to Park television and radio stations.

According to Wyuna Winkle, the bookstore’s owner, Tigru had just arrived at the door when they rushed her, “grabbing at her tail and spitting at her.”

Other witnesses said some members of the mob were holding signs calling Tigru a traitor and an “unzoocratic Animal not fit for Park citizenship.”

Winkle said the mob members were angry at Tigru’s assertion that Jor, The Park’s first leader, initially had planned to rule The Park as king, instead of establishing zoocracy.

“That idea is abhorrent to them and they refuse to believe it,” she said. “To them, Jor was a perfect specimen of Felinity whose brilliance resulted in the reality of Animal self-rule. What Tigru reveals in her book, though, is that zoocracy was the result of a long process of thought on Jor’s part. What we ended up with as our government was not his first idea, but it was his best. For some reason, they think that revealing that fact is disrespectful to him.”

Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, the book’s publisher, has confirmed that there are no other events planned at this time for Tigru.

Designs by Holstein puts stripes and spots up front this Spring

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Holstein FashionDesigns by Holstein’s 2017 Spring Collection will feature stripes and spots, according to a company statement.

In the release dated today, President and CEO Balbina Ko says the company took as inspiration for the new season the work that their charity EQUALSS has done, as well as their designers’ tribute last Summer to Zuberi Tembo, the murdered Endeka Elephant Band bass player.

Ko founded the EQUALLS charity almost two years ago to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals and others in The Park. Since the charity’s birth, Designs by Holstein has included at least one striped and one spotted item in its seasonal collections. Last year, Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, hosted a fashion show during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) in June. The show’s fashions were created to highlight the perils of domestication for all Animals.

The Spring collection, which is bound for the stores in April, includes footwear as well as body wear and, for the first time, rainwear, because as Ko remarked at the end of the company statement, “What are the first spots any Animal sees? Raindrops!”

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