The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day in 2014: Pre-hibernation sales “brisk” as Park awaits results of POPS election

By

Web

Hibernation outfitters and service providers are pleased with their sales thus far, according to the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

“2014 looks like a banner year and it comes as a bit of a surprise,” said founder and current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig this morning in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio.

Shopkeepers and grooming houses are reporting “brisk” business this season and the banks have reported larger than average deposits.

“If sales continue at this rate, we could match last year’s figures or even surpass them, which would be an amazing feat, considering that we had two extra weeks of shopping last year,” Whistlepig said.

The 2013 pre-hibernation season was extended from November 17 to December 1, due to difficulties in calculating the votes and establishing a winner in the election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS). The result was an increase in retail sales as well as an increase in expenditures in the construction sector, as Animals used the extra time to renovate their hibernation quarters or to build new ones.

This year, though, the Park Election Office says we can expect the results to be announced well before November 17, the official date of hibernation.

“Gone are the days of next-day results,” Park Election Office head Gerrit Wezel says.

“Our exploding population and the skyrocketing growth in the number of candidates make that impossible. But I can guarantee that we will have the results by the weekend,” he says.

The announcement likely will result in a rush to make last-minute arrangements, so Whistlepig is quick to remind Park Animals that shops will be closed until 1:00 p.m. on Friday, November 14 in order to celebrate the ceremonies of the Surrender of the Nut.

On This Day—November 7, 2014: Stripe removal most sought-after service: grooming houses

By

The Park’s grooming houses are experiencing a sharp spike in the number of requests for their stripe removal services, according to survey results reported in the October newsletter of The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

In the newsletter, representatives of The Park’s major grooming houses report that the number of completed procedures has increased 190% in the past two years.

These statistics were among others gathered through questionnaires that were sent to PASS members. According to Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current PASS president, the survey is carried out annually “to take our members’ temperature, to assess the state of the economy, and to see what the Association can do for its members.”

The stripe removal statistics are “a disturbing trend,” the grooming houses admit.

“And those statistics don’t even include the number of inquiries or, as we call them, incomplete procedures,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.

At Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, proprietor Amoltrud says that although she advises her clients against the procedure, her salon was forced to include the service in their offerings last year “in order to keep up with the competition.”

“Sometimes we do things we don’t believe in, so that we can continue to do the things we do believe in,” she says.

Meanwhile, Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage calls stripe removal “a growth industry.”

“I see no end in sight,” she says.

Her shop was the first of The Park’s grooming houses to offer such a service but she says she never thought it would become a popular option.

“We can’t ignore the economic reasons for the rise in popularity. I think we should take a close look at these statistics and find a way to help our striped and spotted populations so they don’t need to feel they have to do this to survive [economically]. We should all be able to be who we are,” she says.

See also:
Two years on, striped and spotted Animals see little economic progress
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species

On This Day—November 7, 2013: The Fowl Ball: New Avian charity gala “will benefit all”

By

Something to crow about: Park Animals look forward to receiving their invitations to next Spring's charity gala, the Fowl Ball. The Ball will raise funds to aid The Park's Avian CommunityPark Animals will have something to crow about when they receive their invitation to next Spring’s new charity event, The Fowl Ball.

“This is going to be the event of the year, every year from now on,” proclaimed Rafael Ortega, one of the event’s organizers, at a press concert held yesterday to announce the event.

While some details have yet to be finalized, Ortega said the important ones were “carved in stone.”

“This isn’t just going to be a concert or an auction or a festival or a dance,” he said. “It’s going to be all of those and more. Animals will be primping and preening for days to get themselves ready for this. Every Animal in The Park is going to want to attend and they’re all going to want to look and feel their best,” he said.

And that’s only one of the ways in which the gala will “benefit all,” the organizer declared.

“Our main objective, of course, is Avian aid,” he admitted. “Our community continues to suffer unspeakable harm outside The Park. So, yes, we’ve organized this gala to raise funds to help our community, but we also believe it can benefit all of us by stimulating the economy. From those who make the signs and post the announcements to those who provide the food and beverages to those who make and sell our apparel and accessories to those who help us primp and preen…they’re all going to benefit from the business they’ll get from this event,” he said proudly.

And it appears he’s correct. This morning, The Park’s grooming houses jumped on board, praising the effort and voicing their support for the cause.

“This can only come to good for all of us,” said Dominic Bristlehead, co-owner of The Pluming Room.

That sentiment was echoed by Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics and Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage.

The Park’s restaurants and pubs were quick to weigh in on the announcement, too. Even Tab Tricolore, who has his paws full running three restaurants and trying to open a fourth at the Park Museum, seemed excited enough to want to participate.

“My own community has had its issues with Ortega’s in the past, but I support his cause one hundred percent and, if called upon, my chefs and I will serve,” he said.

On This Day—November 4, 2014: Simply Structures sues after losing bid to build 2015 prognostication pad

By

jgroundhogdaySimply Structures has filed suit against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations after losing its bid to construct the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations.

In a short statement issued to media early this afternoon, the 2014 Archons confirmed that they had received notice of the suit.

“It is with regret that we confirm that Simply Structures, one of The Park’s oldest and most respected construction companies, with whom we have a longstanding relationship, has filed suit against us and against the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, for damages related to loss of income and alleged defamation. We are saddened by the company’s decision, but we intend to meet these allegations head-on in the days and months to come,” the statement reads.

The construction company is believed to have engaged the services of the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg in mid-October, after they were informed by the department that they had lost their bid. The department announced at the same time that they had selected Nesthetics as the builder of the 2015 prognostication pad.

On This Day—October 25, 2015: Tricolore, VVTV team up with gewper for Park’s first scented holiday show

By

Tab TricoloreCelebrity chef and restaurateur Tab Tricolore and Vertebrate Vision Television have teamed up with social networking site gewper to produce The Park’s first scented holiday show.

Tricolore made the announcement this morning via simultaneous posts to his gewper and GooseBook accounts.

“Happy to announce my newest venture: will be working with Vertebrate Vision TV and scented social media site gewper on a holiday special to be broadcast during Winter Solstice celebrations. Show to be first in Park history to have scent available,” the post said.

Aldrich Nashorn, Chief Executive Officer of RhinoTech, gewper’s parent company, also posted the news on his account, saying his company hoped this would be the beginning of “many profitable unions of sight and scent.”

RhinoTech launched gewper in 2011, four years after partnering with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™.  At the time, the company said they developed their new site to fill a void in the industry and to this date it remains the only social networking site in The Park that delivers scent.

Although the announcements mentioned no date for the show’s airing, a Vertebrate Vision spokesAnimal said it most likely would be broadcast during the week after The Park’s annual Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

“Tab made the request for that week so that Animals would be able to focus on the show and not on the Solstice celebrations,” the spokesAnimal said.

On This Day—October 24, 2016: Weather, Human Direct Investment blamed for rising number of Humans in Park

By

Carrots growingOnce again, the weather and Human Direct Investment (HDI) have been blamed for the rising number of Humans we continue to encounter in The Park.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, A.P. Civet spoke of his group’s concern that Humans are harvesting even more crops this year due to what he called an “unprecedented extension” of the Summer season.

The president of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), said he was enraged that the 2016 Archons had not dealt with the HDI situation.

“How many Animals have to go hungry before they take this seriously?” he asked, before echoing Kalliope Sun Bear’s lament at the Snowbird Farewell.

At that event, the president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) called the reduction of one percent for weather in the 2017 budget “a travesty” and predicted it would have a huge impact on next year’s harvest.

“If you are not directly involved in negotiating weather deals, you have no idea how much one percent actually buys and how much of a difference that one percent can make in the amount of food we have here in The Park and in the amount of food we will have to import,” she said.

Civet also warned that until HDI is eradicated, Park Animals will have to get used to higher food prices and, probably, shortages.

On This Day—October 20, 2014: Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Human: rumour

By

headsNtalesBeleaguered Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is in the news again, this time for what may be a major indiscretion on his part.

The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget accepted food from a Human less than a month ago.

According to the site, Struts was strolling through The Park when he encountered a pair of adult Humans carrying a picnic basket. The site alleges that Struts “willingly” accepted an offer of food from the basket.

“This did not appear to be a case of coercion,” headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said in an interview on CLucK Radio this morning.

“From what we can tell, Struts was free to decline, but he chose not to.”

While Guacamayo claims the gossip site is in possession of photographs that prove the story, no hard evidence has appeared on the site since the original story was posted on Saturday.

If, in fact, it can be proven that Struts accepted the food, he could be found in violation of Section III.iv.vii of The Park’s Employee Conduct Act, which stipulates that no Animal currently employed by any branch of The Park’s government “shall request or accept from any Animal any form of remuneration, including currency, food, shelter, entertainment or other, inside or outside The Park.”

On This Day—October 15, 2015: Snowbird Farewell shocker: more come to the party, but fewer leave

By

Snowbird FarewellAs any Animal who has ever attended the event knows, the Snowbird Farewell is one of The Park’s most joyous and emotional Autumn celebrations. 

It’s a chance to enjoy great food and entertainment, and to wish our Avian population well on their journey south.

But that’s not the way it always goes, these days.

“Time was, you’d say a teary farewell to your Avian friends and hope you would see them in the Spring,” says Dewi Beruang, who attended her tenth Farewell this year.

“These days, you say goodbye and then arrange to meet them the next day.”

Beruang is not the only one who’s noticed the difference: the tales of those who work in Avian aid organizations or whose businesses cater to Avians bear out her story.

“The Park’s permanent [Avian] population has increased dramatically, in part because more Birds are opting to stay in The Park year-round,” says Rafael Ortega, the chief organizer of the Fowl Ball. Last year, the charity decided to use the funds they raised from the event to build and maintain a retirement residence for the growing number of The Park’s wounded and elderly Birds.

“Many of them find migration difficult or impossible,” Ortega says. “We have to find them a permanent place to live.”

But illness and old age are not the only reasons that Birds are staying put.

“From what I can tell, life here has become less challenging in the Winter months, and life outside The Park more so,” says Nicoletta Cardinale, owner of  STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS, a travel agency that specializes in migration travel. Cardinale says business at the agency is down twenty percent from last year.

“A few years ago, we were swamped and I had to hire five new agents in one season. Now, I have to lay off the same five,” she says.

But Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) claims that not all Avian-related businesses are suffering, citing the “astronomical” growth of CyBird Dating Services and Gandermatch.com as examples.

“What’s good for the Goose, as they say,” he chuckles.

GooseBook, too, has noticed the difference.

“We’ve been tracking this for a few years now, and it’s true,” says GooseBook’s President and C.E.O., Lester C. Gander.

“In the past, there was a lot of pre-migration activity as well as mid-trip and arrival posting. Now, there is much less travel-related Avian activity on the site, while, of course, there are more Birds joining every day,” he says.

And, finally, the Snowbird Farewell itself has seen what organizing committee president Cécile Bardot calls a “seismic shift” not only in attendance numbers but in the event’s raison d’être.

“There will always be migrators, of course, so we will always host the Farewell. But there may come a time when we have to expand its rôle in the social calendar. And, of course, we will need more funding,” she says.

On This Day—October 13, 2014: Park Repertory Theatre to raise funds from tours of Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

By

The burrow of the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn will be the subject of a series of guided tours hosted by the Park Repertory Theatre, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

The tours will help the theatre raise much-needed funds, according to Chief Executive, Valencienne Castor.

“We struggle to make ends meet and Imogen was well aware of the situation. I believe that was one of the reasons she left the burrow to the theatre,” Castor says.

Aardeekhoorn, who died this past July, willed her burrow to the theatre on the condition that it remain as it was found after her death. Castor is adamant that “nothing has been touched or moved” since the will was probated by the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg.

Before the probate, there was talk of opening a second stage in the burrow or a studio space for students of the Millicent Hayberry Centre for the Study of Drama and Performance at the University of West Terrier. Those plans have been shelved, at least for now, said Castor, in part due to funding issues.

“We are not able, at this time, to contemplate opening a second space and we do not want to enter into a competition with the Burrow Theatre,” Castor told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our goal is to honour Imogen’s wishes and we know that she wanted the Park Repertory Theatre to survive.”

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

September 2026
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930