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On This Day—July 27, 2015: DWBS issues warning to Animals regarding Humans vacationing in Park

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DWBS capture warning

Don’t get caught this Summer! Stay clear of Humans vacationing in The Park

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its first-ever Summer security alert.

In a communiqué released this morning, the DWBS informs Animals of the increased risk of capture by Humans vacationing in The Park this Summer.

“We have estimated the level of risk to be high to very high for the Summer of 2015,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo says in the communiqué.

“Due to recent economic challenges in the Human world, many have chosen to spend their vacations close to home. This means that we can expect to see an increase in the number of Humans vacationing in The Park during the month of August. Although this is beneficial to The Park’s economy, it can also present problems. For this reason, we advise Park Animals to be alert at all times when dealing with Humans,” the communiqué warns.

Kakapo says the alert applies to all Park Animals, including those in the tourist industry, business owners, restaurateurs, groomers, artists, and musicians.

“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during vacations and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” Kakapo says.

There are, however, a number of precautionary measures that Animals can take in order to keep themselves safe and free from capture. These include dealing with Humans in a “professional” manner, refraining from befriending Human children, refusing all invitations to enter vehicles, especially large ones such as vans and SUVs, and refusing any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.

“Remember,” Kakapo says, “Humans may not mean to do harm but neither do they have your best interests at heart.”

Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427

On this day—July 25, 2014: Grooming house stampede “logical outcome” of changing times: PASS

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tallulahstoilettage

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) released its report today on the May 31 stampede at Tallulah’s Toilettage.

The report chronicles the events before and after the stampede occurred. It also offers a list of recommendations that are the result of a series of meetings held by Association members in the wake of the tragedy that injured 68 Animals and resulted in the arrest of 35 others.

At a public event held this afternoon, owners of some of The Park’s grooming houses spoke candidly to attendees about their findings.

Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, said she wasn’t surprised by the May stampede; indeed, she had predicted such a thing would happen eventually.

“Times have changed in so many ways,” she explained.

“In the old days, we all did our own grooming, we procured our own food and we built our own dwellings. Now, we look to others to do those things for us. It’s part of a major shift in Animal life and so, unfortunately, was the stampede. Park life is not as it once was and we must learn to adapt to that reality,” Poedel  said.

Poedel also cited the added stress of the moulting season and what she called “a growing jealousy in certain species” as contributing factors.

Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the stampede occurred, said a shortage of workers skilled in proper grooming techniques was partly to blame for the incident.

“Most owners dream of having their businesses grow by leaps and bounds. But we have been overrun [by customers]. The need for grooming services in The Park has grown beyond our collective ability to fulfill it. And, as a result, some species feel hard done by, especially when their appointments have been put off for a day or two. When their anger comes to a head, that’s when we see this kind of behaviour,” she said.

On This Day in 2016: Draft Summit update: farmers demand end to Human Direct Investment in Park

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Draft with borderAfter two weeks of what appeared to be promising Tuesday and Thursday meetings, the Draft Summit talks have stalled, according to A.P. Civet, president of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We’ve come to an impasse,” Civet wrote in a press release on Friday morning.

But the issue that has stalled the talks—Human Direct Investment in The Park—has “absolutely nothing” to do with the problem the Summit was called to resolve, a frustrated Kalliope Sun Bear told Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Sun Bear, who represents the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), one of the three groups participating in the Summit, said that while she understood the SCPCPGF’s concerns about HDI, she thought the talks should focus on the issue at hand.

“The Summit was called to discuss the effects of technology on The Park’s food supply, but it’s now veered off in another direction entirely,” she said.

But Civet insists that unless HDI is dealt with swiftly, there will be no food to find, with or without apps.

“Unless we convince the Archons, the Park Finance Office, and the Department of Well-Being and Safety that allowing Humans to farm in The Park is a danger to our food supply, we have nothing to discuss with regard to technology. All the BulbBeacons, FoodFinders, SpinachSpotters, and TulipTrackers will come to nothing if we don’t take back control of our farmlands,” Civet wrote in the press release.

Human Direct Investment dates back to January of 2011, when the sitting Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Officers, agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. The agreement explicitly allowed for use of the land for the purpose of growing food for the exclusive consumption of Humans.  An investigation conducted five years ago by The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU) concluded that the HDI deal was responsible for some of the food shortages experienced in The Park. The Archons have never revealed what the PFO does with the monies collected from the rent.

In the press release, Civet wrote that he will not resume his place at the Summit table until he has met with the Archons, the PFO and the DWBS to discuss the issue. No meeting has yet been scheduled.

Mark your calendars for these important February 2018 Park events

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February is a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year will be no exception. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

 

February 1: Get up! Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.

 

February 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear 2018 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) Sauville Otave Marmotte tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3). Click on the schedule to the right for a full view.

And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!

February 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not our 2018 POPS, Sauville Otave Marmotte, predicts an early Spring, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!

February 4: Spend an afternoon at The Park Museum with Karlheinz Beaver
The designer of the 2018 prognostication pad will formally add his blueprints to the museum’s current exhibition, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads.” Afterwards, he’ll host a Q&A session with attendees regarding the pad’s design and functionality. Refreshments will be served courtesy of The PurrBoy Café.

Don’t miss this event at The Park Museum on Sunday, 4 February 2018, from 1:00 p.m. until 5:00 p.m.

3d-tabby-king-croppedFebruary 14: Anniversary of the birth of Jor
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.


Hieronymous Hedgehog February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the NutFebruary 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2018 Keeper of the Nut Armas Jänis who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

Full schedule of events released for 2018 Groundhog Day celebrations

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The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations (DHFC) has released the Official Schedule of the 2018 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a short press conference this afternoon, DHFC Director of Public Relations Aintza Kanariar used the word, “stupendous,” as she rhymed off the names of the performers, games, acts, and more that will make up what some in The Park consider the most important event of the year.

“There is not only something for everyone to enjoy at this year’s celebration,” she said, “but almost too much.”

Kanariar went even further, saying it was not just the quantity of the “non-stop fun,” but the quality that will make this year’s Groundhog Day memorable.

“After more than thirty-five years of zoocracy, The Park can truthfully say it has an unrivalled depth of talent,” she said. She also joked that the official celebration would “give the Early Risers a run for their money.”

For the past few years, The Park’s Early Risers, who end their hibernation on Groundhog Day instead of on the traditional date of February 19, have hosted legendary after-parties.

Kanariar also announced an addendum to the official schedule, which was released a few days ago.

“We will officially acknowledge the life and work of Egerton Vole, who died on January 25, after serving only nine days as Archon. The Archons’ Address, which will be read by Chief Archon Iolana Camira Whooping Crane, will also include some words about Vole, she said. And a tribute to Vole during the Groundhog Day parade will include a performance by the All Rodent Marching Band, but Kanariar would not say whether a new float would be part of that tribute.

For the first time since their bassist Zuberi Tembo died, the Endeka Elephant Band will play during the parade, as well. There will only be nine band members playing, however, because Árvakur Fíl, the band’s drummer, is serving as Archon this year.

Kanariar said we can expect the parade to include a “host of new floats,” several of which will acknowledge The Park’s endangered species.

New this year will be a poetry reading by members of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony.

In addition to the special appearance by Thisbe and the Barkettes, the following musicians will participate in the event:

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap

As is always the case, one of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations will be the food. Renowned Chef Tab Triolore will reprise his “feral buffet” and supply delicious non-perishables from his newly-opened restaurant grassRoutes.  Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will serve a full breakfast just after the Archons’ Address. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

And, again, this year, food will be served for twenty-four hours straight.

“We’re going through from eight in the morning on the second [of February] until eight in the morning on the third,” Kanariar said.

And, don’t forget: the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

Archons expected to announce funding for Barkettes museum by end of month

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barkettes-all-the-hair-i-left-behindThe 2017 Archons are expected to announce funding for a Barkettes museum before the end of this month, a source close to the governing body has told The Mammalian Daily.

According to the source, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu put the project to a vote last week and it was unanimously passed. Funding for the museum is expected to be spread out over time and allocated in the next five budgets. Thisbe and the Barkettes were not consulted by the Archons, but they were made aware of the impending vote.

In October of 2015, the Canine Music Association teamed up with the Park Historical Society to push for a museum to honour the beloved group, who just this month donated a new song to the cause of enforced domestication awareness. CMA president R.F. Aarrf and Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces  called it a “travesty” that the Barkettes had not been honoured properly in The Park.

“The Barkettes broke the species barrier when it came to music and they paved the way for the success of all other Park musicians. We are long overdue in honouring them by keeping their accomplishments alive for the next generations,” Cascanueces said when he and Aarrf launched a petition to pressure the Archons to establish the museum.

Currently, the Barkettes retain possession of most of their memorabilia, but in April of 2015, they donated the original sheet music and some early drafts of the lyrics of “Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed” to The Park Museum.

Holstein Fashion plans June launch of scent to support EDAM, EQUALSS

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grazecroppedHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, will continue its charitable work this year by launching a new scent, GRAZE, that will benefit enforced domestication awareness (EDAM) as well as the company’s own charity, EQUALSS.

A statement released this morning by company president and CEO Balbina Ko included an invitation to all Park residents to the June 15 launch party at the Reek-O-Rama.

“Please join us to celebrate the strides we’ve made in enforced domestication awareness and in achieving equality among the species, especially the striped and spotted,” the invitation reads.

In the statement, Ko describes the scent as having “notes of grass, fresh rain, and clotted earth, combined in such a way as to be reminiscent of peaceful Summer days away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.”

While the scent will be the star of the launch party, the celebration of equality and Animal self-rule will be the theme, Ko told The Mammalian Daily. All attendees will receive a sample of the scent and all proceeds from its sale in June and July will go to enforced domestication awareness. After that, the proceeds will be split between EDAM and Holstein Fashion’s own charity, EQUALSS, which supports equality for the striped and spotted.

Burrows become hot property as Park’s growing population seeks housing

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burrows-real-estateThe Park’s population continues to grow at a dizzying pace, and that’s good news for many businesses and services. But for those engaged in building and selling housing, the spike in population over the past few years has presented almost insurmountable challenges.

“We weren’t prepared for this,” says Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), whose organization represents real estate services, but not builders. “We’re definitely having trouble accommodating newcomers.”

His admission is backed up by a recently-published report by the Department of Statistics and Records that concludes The Park has only enough sheltered housing for seventy percent of its resident Animals.

Whistlepig cites a number of reasons for the shortage and among them is one his organization brought to light after an investigation into the 2014 grooming house stampede: the sharp increase in those who look to others to do the things they used to do themselves.

“We used to groom ourselves, build our own housing, and find our own food. All that has changed over the past two decades and we haven’t kept up with demand because we didn’t take note of the changes in behaviour until it was too late,” he says, bluntly.

For some of The Park’s established builders, though, there is a silver lining in this housing cloud.

Orders are “way up,” according to Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond. And, he says, at least twenty-five per cent of B&B’s new customers are neither hibernators nor natural burrowers.

“We’re surprised by the number of species willing to compromise on housing,” he says. “But burrows can be built in an eighth of the time that above-ground sheltered housing takes, and they last for years and can easily be enlarged. It’s a smart choice and more and more Animals are seeing that,” he says.

Resales are also up, according to Subterranean Sales and Rental.

“Burrows are hot property these days, no question,” a spokesAnimal for the company told The Mammalian Daily. “And we see no sign of a slowdown in sales.”

Park’s refugee groups take issue with new EDAM poster

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poster-for-edamGroups that represent The Park’s immigrant and refugee communities are pressing for a meeting with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to discuss the ramifications of what they’re calling the “not-so-hidden” messages in the new poster commissioned for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

In a statement this morning, the leaders of eleven of The Park’s aid groups criticized the decision to portray the domesticated and formerly domesticated as “dupes,” or as lazy Animals seeking an easier life.

“The Animals we help, many of whom bear the scars of their struggles to escape from domestic situations, are being made to suffer twice over by being portrayed as stupid, lazy, or materialistic,” the statement says.

While the groups say they agree that it’s essential to warn Park residents about the dangers of living with Humans, they feel the month-long awareness campaign need not insult those who have done so or who still do.

“Many of the Animals we assist were taken by Humans during the first few weeks of their lives and they had no control over that. And many others have chosen, out of sheer desperation, to live with Humans in domestic situations. We all do what we must to survive. There is no need to characterize these survivors as foolish,” the statement says.

The group leaders say they will continue to protest against the campaign literature until they meet with the Archons and the DWBS.

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