The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Fleck + Stone to host information session on 2017 Prognostication Pad

By

Groundhog Day celebrationsFleck + Stone, the high-end architectural firm hired by The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to design and build the 2017 prognostication pad, will host an information session for Park residents this weekend.

In a short press release this morning, the firm’s Chief Architect, Vadim Kobras, invited all Park residents to the information session which will be held on Saturday afternoon at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.

“It is of utmost importance to the Fleck + Stone team that Park residents be in possession of all the facts surrounding the 2017 Groundhog Day prognostication pad,” the press release said. “We will be happy to answer any questions about the design and execution of this important piece of equipment.”

Although it didn’t directly address the controversy over the assumed high cost of the pad, the press release did imply that Park residents would see its value:

“The Fleck + Stone team is incredibly proud of the work it has done to help celebrate Groundhog Day in this very special year. We are confident that Park residents will be receptive to our design and will appreciate its uniqueness.”

The press release cum invitation ended with the words, “We were honoured to have been chosen for this job and we remain committed to supporting The Park and zoocracy in any way we can.” It was signed by the Chief Architect, himself.

According to sources close to the firm, Kobras will speak generally about the pad and building materials and go over some of the designs the team considered before fixing on the one that was built. No illustrations of the actual pad will be revealed, but Kobras is said to have also prepared a talk that deals with the history and significance of the prognostication pad.

The final design will be revealed in the early morning hours of Groundhog Day.

All bets are off: Park Police shut down betting on POPS’ prognostication

By

Groundhog Day bettingPop-up betting booths aimed at encouraging Park Animals and Humans to cash in on the Groundhog Day prognostication of 2017 POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot have been shut down, Park Police announced today.

At a press conference this morning, Gareth Shepherd, Park Police Inspector and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), announced that his unit shut down fourteen such pop-ups scattered across The Park.

As yet, however, Park Police have not determined the identity of the owner or owners of the establishments.

“We are working with other units, including our Select Undercover Brigade (SUB), to determine the identity of the individual or individuals who set up these betting booths,” he said.

Shepherd described the booths as “hastily constructed huts,” which offered a “sizeable return” in a number of currencies, including Human currencies.

“One of these [booths] was offering a 1-5 bet that that Bosmarmot would see his shadow, while another offered 20-11 odds that he would not,” Shepherd said.

The inspector told the press that the police force was alerted to the existence of the betting booths last week by a “concerned citizen.”

“We take this very seriously, since betting of any sort is illegal in The Park,” Shepherd said. “But this is particularly disturbing, since Groundhog Day is a very important day for us, historically, politically, and emotionally. We see this kind of thing as a threat to our way of life and we do not take it lightly. We will work to rid The Park permanently of such activities,” he said.

Park eateries to host “T-1” celebration tomorrow before Archons announced on Sunday

By

eat-drink-and-be-merryIt’s an idea whose time has come, say The Park’s restaurateurs. And that time is tomorrow night.

At exactly five o’clock, every one of The Park’s eateries and bars will fling open its doors for one long celebration in anticipation of the announcement of the 2017 Archons.

The Park-wide eating and drinking fest, which they’re calling, “T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry,” is the brainchild of Beatrice Orang, owner of Provisions by Petrounel, and Brantford Gander of The Cackling Goose Tavern.

“Beatrice has been providing before and after meals for hibernators and estivators for years,” Gander explains. “So I asked her what she would want if she found out she was going to serve as Archon for a year. We met over drinks and it kind of went from there.”

It was Gander’s job to rally the other owners, but he says it was effortless: “I called a meeting and I told them the idea. They all sat there wondering why we hadn’t done it before.”

Gander says the rules of the evening are simple: the first drink is free, all appetizers are free, and everything after that is half-price.

“You’re welcome to stay the whole evening or move on to other venues. Sit, stay, or crawl, you’ll have a great time,” he says.

With all The Park’s eateries and bars participating—even the high end establishments—it’s hard to imagine otherwise.

The What Who When and Where:

What: T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry
When: Five o’clock 14 January until food and drink run out (approximately four o’clock 15 January)
Where: All Park eateries and bars
Who: All Park residents are invited to participate by all Park eateries and bars

2017 will be the year of the political book, say Park publishers

By

Pile of booksA slew of books dealing with politics and zoocracy is set to be released in 2017, according to the Association of Park Publishers (APP).

Inspired by the upcoming celebration of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary, some of The Park’s most esteemed thinkers began toiling in secret a few years ago, setting down their analyses and ideas about Animal self-rule. Their work will be released in published form beginning in January.

“This is definitely the year of the political book,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

“We realized that back in 2014, when we started getting manuscripts dealing with zoocracy and Park history. Some of them could have been published earlier, but we decided to wait and make it a literary celebration of this political phenomenon. We feel very privileged to have the opportunity to release twenty-five books this year on the subject.”

Other Park publishers agree. Marcellin de la Griffe, who owns and manages Marcellin de la Griffe Publishers, says his company has been working on the same theme for a couple of years. The publisher says that after wooing historian and University of West Terrier professor Pieter Paard away from Birch Bark Books, he managed to convince other prominent writers to publish their books with his company.

“Our authors— who are historians, political philosophers, scientists, psychologists, and artists—represent some of The Park’s greatest thinkers. We’re going to have an incredible year-long launch party,” he says.

Director Douglas Cheetah to head fundraising at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

By

Extinction AnxietyRenowned film director Douglas Cheetah will join The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic in January as its head of fundraising, it was announced today.

Cheetah and EAC head Dr. Berthilidis Strix made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“The need for fundraising underscores the seriousness of the situation,” Strix said, as Cheetah fielded questions from reporters about the dire situation faced by his own species.

In an emotional response to the question of why he decided to take the job, for which he will not receive a salary, the director said he thought it was time he did his part in the fight against extinction and extinction anxiety.

“For too long, I turned away from the reality of the situation. I convinced myself that I wasn’t threatened. But I see now that that was extinction anxiety at its worst and least productive. Now that I am facing it head-on, I want to do my part to help others who suffer from this debilitating condition,” he said.

Cheetah added that no fight against extinction anxiety would be effective unless it was paired with a fight against extinction, itself.

“There’s no point in just telling members of endangered species to calm down. We have to give them a reason to go on. We have to give them hope for a future,” he said.

Hibernation outfitter to stay open 48 hours for a long “going-under” party

By

Best GoUnderground 2015 LogoGoUnderground, The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitter has just announced that it will stay open tonight and tomorrow night in order to aid Park hibernators with their last-minute needs.

According to Nafari Bongo, the shop’s director of sales, the decision was made early this morning and was based on the number of customers they saw lined up at the door when the shop opened.

“We realized at that point that we weren’t going to be able to serve all those customers if we closed our doors tonight,” he said. “So, we decided to have a ‘going-under’ party and invite all our customers to a forty-eight hour bash.”

Bongo said there will be plenty of food available and even entertainment. He also confirmed that Hieronymous Hedgehog, GoUnderground spokesAnimal and The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, will be on hand to advise customers and assist them with their purchases.

“Hieronymous has a wealth of knowledge about hibernation and his presence here is always appreciated by customers,” Bongo said.

Elections are over. It’s time to prepare for hibernation, say retailers

By

Best GoUnderground 2015 LogoNow that The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) has elected Sunniva Muldvarp 2017 Keeper of the Nut, it’s time to get serious about preparing for hibernation, say the retailers who are experts in the field.

“With not even five days left, it will be a scramble this year,” Nafari Bongo told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

Bongo, who is director of sales for GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitter, said business had been particularly slow this past week, but has picked up considerably since yesterday.

“The two elections in one week usually affect business for a day or so, but this year, Animals were exceptionally distracted by all the hoopla. They couldn’t keep their minds on the process of hibernation preparation,” he said.

Bongo said they’d hired extra staff for the next five days and tomorrow the store will host its first-ever First-Timers event.

“We’ve found that the new generation of Animals is less prepared for its first hibernation. There seems to be a gap in knowledge, so we’ve instituted this event to help them,” he said.

Things are also humming along at Burrows and Beyond, according to vice-president of sales Kerman Astoa. While the firm stopped taking orders for new burrows this past Thursday, they’re still receiving inquiries as well as an “unusually high” number of orders for their signature Burrow Safety Checks (BSC). The company considers the BSCs to be essential, so they’ve also hired extra staff to accommodate these late requests.

“We do encourage hibernators to arrange for them early in the Autumn, but we understand that it’s not the first thing on their list,” says Astoa.

Over at Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer that specializes in post-hibernation sustenance, owner Beatrice T. Orang says their new pre-orders for 2017 are up by thirty percent.

“We’ve kept our standing orders steady for three years now, but in terms of new business, it’s way up this year,” she says.

There was a time when many thought The Park might not be able to sustain so many hibernation specialty shops, but that fear has vanished over the past few years, in part due to the growth in the hibernating population. And Orang says that even though she has competition, she has lost very few customers.

“Hibernators tend to be loyal and we appreciate that,” she says.

All in all, 2016 looks as though it’s going to be a very profitable year for the hibernation business. That is, as long as hibernators get themselves to the shops on time.

Hire causes ire: Groundhog Day organizers take flack for Fleck + Stone

By

jgroundhogdayThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has become the object of the public’s ire since announcing yesterday that it had hired the architectural firm of Fleck + Stone to design the 2017 prognostication pad.

According to Park Police, officials at the department began receiving hate mail and threats shortly after their morning press conference, during which they introduced the firm’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, and discussed the size and style of the new pad.

“Within hours, the department received an onslaught of written [hate] material, which they reported to us. We immediately deployed officers to the scene and an investigation of the material is underway at our forensic laboratory,” Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) told the press this morning.

Police believe the negative reaction is due to the perceived expense involved in hiring the high-end firm, which is known for designing buildings of cultural import such as the Burrow Theatre and The Park Museum.

Perhaps in anticipation of that, members of the press received a fact sheet yesterday that outlined the costs of the prognostication pad and other accoutrements deemed necessary for the popular annual event. According to those figures, the cost of this year’s pad will be only slightly higher than last year’s.

Still, optics matter, says Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja, whose last budget reduced the funds allotted to special events by two percent.

“If they’d asked me, I would have told them to hold off for a year or, at the very least, talk about the cost first. Animals who are struggling to make a living have a hard time understanding why we need a posh pad to celebrate Groundhog Day,” she said.

Weather, Human Direct Investment blamed for rising number of Humans in Park

By

Carrots growingOnce again, the weather and Human Direct Investment (HDI) have been blamed for the rising number of Humans we continue to encounter in The Park.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, A.P. Civet spoke of his group’s concern that Humans are harvesting even more crops this year due to what he called an “unprecedented extension” of the Summer season.

The president of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), said he was enraged that the 2016 Archons had not dealt with the HDI situation.

“How many Animals have to go hungry before they take this seriously?” he asked, before echoing Kalliope Sun Bear’s lament at the Snowbird Farewell.

At that event, the president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) called the reduction of one percent for weather in the 2017 budget “a travesty” and predicted it would have a huge impact on next year’s harvest.

“If you are not directly involved in negotiating weather deals, you have no idea how much one percent actually buys and how much of a difference that one percent can make in the amount of food we have here in The Park and in the amount of food we will have to import,” she said.

Civet also warned that until HDI is eradicated, Park Animals will have to get used to higher food prices and, probably, shortages.

Stripes two ways: groomer offers “WINK coiffure” in honour of PIFF premiere

By

Zebra two wayIf you blink, you could miss it.

But if you wink, you could be rewarded with a new coiffure, which emphasizes the two directions of Animals’ stripes.

In a video advertisement that will run every day of October, the proprietor of one of The Park’s most popular grooming houses says that, in honour of The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)—and, in particular, in honour of its opening film, WINK—she has created a new “do,” which she’s dubbed the “WINK coiffure.”

That proprietor, known as Amoltrud, made headlines earlier this year when she announced that her shop would no longer be offering stripe and spot removal services. The year before, she’d been quoted as saying that although she advised her clients against the procedures, she’d been forced to offer the services “in order to keep up with the competition.”

But Amoltrud changed her mind and, breaking with traditional retail behaviour, decided to challenge the competition by doing exactly the opposite of what it was doing.

“I led with my mind—and my heart,” she said in an interview with The Mammalian Daily last night at the gala opening of G.D. Zebra’s WINK. “At some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing what I believe in or am I just doing what everybody else is doing?”

Amoltrud says she’s steadfastly against stripe and spot removal and vows never to offer the service again at her shop, even though some of her competition has called the procedures “a growth industry.”

“You have to decide what you stand for and then stand for it,” Amoltrud said last night. “And I stand for equality among the species, no matter what their coats look like.”

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

January 2026
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031