The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Barkettes locked in legal battle with grooming house over name, image

By

halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have engaged the services of legal expert Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, to help them fight their legal battle against a Park grooming house that opened its doors in early November.

The grooming house, which calls itself Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure, opened with little fanfare on November 9, 2016. Shortly after, the Barkettes approached the owner, Zenaide Cadela, and requested that she stop using the image of their album, “Halcyon Days,” on her shop’s sign. Despite initially agreeing, Cadela never acted on the request.

According to papers filed by Terrier on Wednesday, the Barkettes are now asking the court for a cease and desist order to stop Cadela not only from using their album’s copyrighted image, but from playing the song “Halcyon Days” on radio and television advertisements for her grooming house.

Terrier will represent the Barkettes before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon on February 27.

Mark your calendars for these important February events in The Park

By

mark-thisFebruary is a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year it will be especially so, as we continue our year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

waking-groundhogFebruary 1: Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.

groundhogdayscheduleFebruary 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear the POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3).

And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!

groundhog-day-blowoutFebruary 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not 2017 POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot sees his shadow, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!

3d-cover-fierce-urgency-of-miaowFebruary 8: Book release
As we reported late last year, 2017 will be the year of the political book and two of the most important ones will be released this month. The first will be The Fierce Urgency of Miaow, historian Pieter N. Paard’s much-anticipated analysis of Jor and the Feline roots of Animal self-rule. Look for it in Park bookstores after February 8.

3d-tabby-king-croppedFebruary 10: Yannis Tavros interviews Jor’s biographer Yoshita Tigru
Hailed as a media coup, Yannis Tavros’s guest on his February 10 Toro Talk Radio show will be Yoshita Tigru, author of a new and controversial biography of The Park’s first leader. She’ll be discussing some unknown facts about Jor just four days before we celebrate the anniversary of his birth.

February 14: Anniversary of the birth of JorJOR
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.

Hieronymous Hedgehog February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the NutFebruary 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2017 Keeper of the Nut Sunniva Muldvarp who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

2017 Groundhog Day Schedule released

By

groundhogdayscheduleThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has released the Official Schedule of the 2017 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a press conference held early this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced plans for the ” Zoocracy 35 edition” of the celebrations.

Kanariar told the press that this year’s event will include the recognition of Park history “in many forms,” including a parade of all living former Archons, a reading from the historical tome of the sister of the founder of zoocracy, and a pantomime performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company.

“We’ll be acknowledging history and making history all at the same time,” Kanariar said. She also confirmed that the Endeka Elephant Band would contribute a musical interlude during the official celebrations, but they will not play during the parade.

As well, Kanariar said we can expect the parade to include a “host of new floats,” many of which will acknowledge the anniversary of the founding of zoocracy.

“Even though this is our Groundhog Day celebration, and not the official celebration of Animal self-rule in The Park, we thought it fitting to include that theme in the parade,” she said.

As ever, one of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations will be the food. And the food this year will be “diverse,” because, Kanariar, said, “We want to celebrate interspecial harmony by recognizing our different eating preferences.”

Among the new food stations will be a “feral buffet” courtesy of Chef Tab Tricolore and “Diverse Dishes” supplied by a consortium of The Park’s chefs and restaurateurs.

Also new this year, food will be served for twenty-four hours straight.

“We’re going through from eight in the morning on the second [of February] until eight in the morning on the third,” Kanariar said. But she was quick to confirm this would not replace the celebration hosted by the Early Risers.

“We are not competing with the Early Risers at all, and they are welcome to come and join us at any time.”

And, don’t forget: for the fourth year in a row, the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

Fleck + Stone to host information session on 2017 Prognostication Pad

By

Groundhog Day celebrationsFleck + Stone, the high-end architectural firm hired by The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to design and build the 2017 prognostication pad, will host an information session for Park residents this weekend.

In a short press release this morning, the firm’s Chief Architect, Vadim Kobras, invited all Park residents to the information session which will be held on Saturday afternoon at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.

“It is of utmost importance to the Fleck + Stone team that Park residents be in possession of all the facts surrounding the 2017 Groundhog Day prognostication pad,” the press release said. “We will be happy to answer any questions about the design and execution of this important piece of equipment.”

Although it didn’t directly address the controversy over the assumed high cost of the pad, the press release did imply that Park residents would see its value:

“The Fleck + Stone team is incredibly proud of the work it has done to help celebrate Groundhog Day in this very special year. We are confident that Park residents will be receptive to our design and will appreciate its uniqueness.”

The press release cum invitation ended with the words, “We were honoured to have been chosen for this job and we remain committed to supporting The Park and zoocracy in any way we can.” It was signed by the Chief Architect, himself.

According to sources close to the firm, Kobras will speak generally about the pad and building materials and go over some of the designs the team considered before fixing on the one that was built. No illustrations of the actual pad will be revealed, but Kobras is said to have also prepared a talk that deals with the history and significance of the prognostication pad.

The final design will be revealed in the early morning hours of Groundhog Day.

All bets are off: Park Police shut down betting on POPS’ prognostication

By

Groundhog Day bettingPop-up betting booths aimed at encouraging Park Animals and Humans to cash in on the Groundhog Day prognostication of 2017 POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot have been shut down, Park Police announced today.

At a press conference this morning, Gareth Shepherd, Park Police Inspector and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), announced that his unit shut down fourteen such pop-ups scattered across The Park.

As yet, however, Park Police have not determined the identity of the owner or owners of the establishments.

“We are working with other units, including our Select Undercover Brigade (SUB), to determine the identity of the individual or individuals who set up these betting booths,” he said.

Shepherd described the booths as “hastily constructed huts,” which offered a “sizeable return” in a number of currencies, including Human currencies.

“One of these [booths] was offering a 1-5 bet that that Bosmarmot would see his shadow, while another offered 20-11 odds that he would not,” Shepherd said.

The inspector told the press that the police force was alerted to the existence of the betting booths last week by a “concerned citizen.”

“We take this very seriously, since betting of any sort is illegal in The Park,” Shepherd said. “But this is particularly disturbing, since Groundhog Day is a very important day for us, historically, politically, and emotionally. We see this kind of thing as a threat to our way of life and we do not take it lightly. We will work to rid The Park permanently of such activities,” he said.

Park eateries to host “T-1” celebration tomorrow before Archons announced on Sunday

By

eat-drink-and-be-merryIt’s an idea whose time has come, say The Park’s restaurateurs. And that time is tomorrow night.

At exactly five o’clock, every one of The Park’s eateries and bars will fling open its doors for one long celebration in anticipation of the announcement of the 2017 Archons.

The Park-wide eating and drinking fest, which they’re calling, “T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry,” is the brainchild of Beatrice Orang, owner of Provisions by Petrounel, and Brantford Gander of The Cackling Goose Tavern.

“Beatrice has been providing before and after meals for hibernators and estivators for years,” Gander explains. “So I asked her what she would want if she found out she was going to serve as Archon for a year. We met over drinks and it kind of went from there.”

It was Gander’s job to rally the other owners, but he says it was effortless: “I called a meeting and I told them the idea. They all sat there wondering why we hadn’t done it before.”

Gander says the rules of the evening are simple: the first drink is free, all appetizers are free, and everything after that is half-price.

“You’re welcome to stay the whole evening or move on to other venues. Sit, stay, or crawl, you’ll have a great time,” he says.

With all The Park’s eateries and bars participating—even the high end establishments—it’s hard to imagine otherwise.

The What Who When and Where:

What: T-1: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry
When: Five o’clock 14 January until food and drink run out (approximately four o’clock 15 January)
Where: All Park eateries and bars
Who: All Park residents are invited to participate by all Park eateries and bars

2017 will be the year of the political book, say Park publishers

By

Pile of booksA slew of books dealing with politics and zoocracy is set to be released in 2017, according to the Association of Park Publishers (APP).

Inspired by the upcoming celebration of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary, some of The Park’s most esteemed thinkers began toiling in secret a few years ago, setting down their analyses and ideas about Animal self-rule. Their work will be released in published form beginning in January.

“This is definitely the year of the political book,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

“We realized that back in 2014, when we started getting manuscripts dealing with zoocracy and Park history. Some of them could have been published earlier, but we decided to wait and make it a literary celebration of this political phenomenon. We feel very privileged to have the opportunity to release twenty-five books this year on the subject.”

Other Park publishers agree. Marcellin de la Griffe, who owns and manages Marcellin de la Griffe Publishers, says his company has been working on the same theme for a couple of years. The publisher says that after wooing historian and University of West Terrier professor Pieter Paard away from Birch Bark Books, he managed to convince other prominent writers to publish their books with his company.

“Our authors— who are historians, political philosophers, scientists, psychologists, and artists—represent some of The Park’s greatest thinkers. We’re going to have an incredible year-long launch party,” he says.

Director Douglas Cheetah to head fundraising at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

By

Extinction AnxietyRenowned film director Douglas Cheetah will join The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic in January as its head of fundraising, it was announced today.

Cheetah and EAC head Dr. Berthilidis Strix made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“The need for fundraising underscores the seriousness of the situation,” Strix said, as Cheetah fielded questions from reporters about the dire situation faced by his own species.

In an emotional response to the question of why he decided to take the job, for which he will not receive a salary, the director said he thought it was time he did his part in the fight against extinction and extinction anxiety.

“For too long, I turned away from the reality of the situation. I convinced myself that I wasn’t threatened. But I see now that that was extinction anxiety at its worst and least productive. Now that I am facing it head-on, I want to do my part to help others who suffer from this debilitating condition,” he said.

Cheetah added that no fight against extinction anxiety would be effective unless it was paired with a fight against extinction, itself.

“There’s no point in just telling members of endangered species to calm down. We have to give them a reason to go on. We have to give them hope for a future,” he said.

Hibernation outfitter to stay open 48 hours for a long “going-under” party

By

Best GoUnderground 2015 LogoGoUnderground, The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitter has just announced that it will stay open tonight and tomorrow night in order to aid Park hibernators with their last-minute needs.

According to Nafari Bongo, the shop’s director of sales, the decision was made early this morning and was based on the number of customers they saw lined up at the door when the shop opened.

“We realized at that point that we weren’t going to be able to serve all those customers if we closed our doors tonight,” he said. “So, we decided to have a ‘going-under’ party and invite all our customers to a forty-eight hour bash.”

Bongo said there will be plenty of food available and even entertainment. He also confirmed that Hieronymous Hedgehog, GoUnderground spokesAnimal and The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, will be on hand to advise customers and assist them with their purchases.

“Hieronymous has a wealth of knowledge about hibernation and his presence here is always appreciated by customers,” Bongo said.

Elections are over. It’s time to prepare for hibernation, say retailers

By

Best GoUnderground 2015 LogoNow that The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) has elected Sunniva Muldvarp 2017 Keeper of the Nut, it’s time to get serious about preparing for hibernation, say the retailers who are experts in the field.

“With not even five days left, it will be a scramble this year,” Nafari Bongo told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

Bongo, who is director of sales for GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitter, said business had been particularly slow this past week, but has picked up considerably since yesterday.

“The two elections in one week usually affect business for a day or so, but this year, Animals were exceptionally distracted by all the hoopla. They couldn’t keep their minds on the process of hibernation preparation,” he said.

Bongo said they’d hired extra staff for the next five days and tomorrow the store will host its first-ever First-Timers event.

“We’ve found that the new generation of Animals is less prepared for its first hibernation. There seems to be a gap in knowledge, so we’ve instituted this event to help them,” he said.

Things are also humming along at Burrows and Beyond, according to vice-president of sales Kerman Astoa. While the firm stopped taking orders for new burrows this past Thursday, they’re still receiving inquiries as well as an “unusually high” number of orders for their signature Burrow Safety Checks (BSC). The company considers the BSCs to be essential, so they’ve also hired extra staff to accommodate these late requests.

“We do encourage hibernators to arrange for them early in the Autumn, but we understand that it’s not the first thing on their list,” says Astoa.

Over at Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer that specializes in post-hibernation sustenance, owner Beatrice T. Orang says their new pre-orders for 2017 are up by thirty percent.

“We’ve kept our standing orders steady for three years now, but in terms of new business, it’s way up this year,” she says.

There was a time when many thought The Park might not be able to sustain so many hibernation specialty shops, but that fear has vanished over the past few years, in part due to the growth in the hibernating population. And Orang says that even though she has competition, she has lost very few customers.

“Hibernators tend to be loyal and we appreciate that,” she says.

All in all, 2016 looks as though it’s going to be a very profitable year for the hibernation business. That is, as long as hibernators get themselves to the shops on time.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

February 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
232425262728