The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2010—Lab rage ends in violence at UWT

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Park Police say they blame personality conflicts among laboratory staff members at the University of West Terrier’s Faculty of Dentistry for the recent spate of violence that resulted in the deaths yesterday afternoon of 11 laboratory volunteers. The dead include six Onions, four Carrots, and a Radish.

Investigators believe the victims were resting comfortably in their chambers following the completion of an experiment in the Faculty’s laboratory when they were fatally attacked. Laboratory volunteers are required to rest for a period of at least one hour before leaving the University’s campus.

Although the Police have not named any suspects, they confirmed that they are, at present, investigating laboratory staff.

“There is no doubt in our minds that the victims knew their attackers,” Chief Inspector Martin of the Murder Investigations Unit said at a press conference held yesterday.

All 11 victims were members of a group that volunteers its services to UWT researchers. The group, which calls itself Produce for Progress, issued a short statement late last night:

“We are deeply saddened by the events that took place at the University of West Terrier and we mourn for the victims and their families. While we have confidence in the Police and look forward to the results of their investigation, we feel it necessary to advise our members to cease their voluntary activities until such time as the perpetrator or perpetrators of this crime are apprehended.”

This morning, UWT’s Faculty of Dentistry issued a press release condemning the violent attack and assuring the University community, as well as Park citizens, that they will cooperate fully in the investigation. In the meantime, according to the press release, the Faculty has halted the experiment in which the victims were involved.

OTD in 2012—Majority of Park Animals home-schooled: study

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The majority of Park Animals receive their basic education at home, according to the results of a study completed last year.

The study, which was commissioned by the 2011 Archons in conjunction with the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), was conducted by researchers at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier.

The results of the study, published yesterday in the academic quarterly, Journal of Education Theory and Experience (JETE), indicate that a very small minority of Animals take advantage of any of the educational opportunities offered free of charge by The Park.

“This is an area of great concern to us,” said head researcher Domoina Fossa. “Over the past few years, we have witnessed an increase in interspecial crime and particularly violent crime. We believe this could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an earlier point in their lives.”

According to renowned Park historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at UWT, the impetus for developing The Park’s educational resources was exactly that idea:

“Interspecial harmony is one of the guiding principles of zoocracy. It was one of Jor’s [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy] core beliefs that we must foster interspecial harmony through Animals’ knowledge of and friendship with different species,” says Zilonis.

Many in The Park believe that basic education for Animals has been neglected and that institutions of higher learning have received a disproportionate amount of attention and resources in recent years.

“We will have to attend to this unbalanced situation if we want to avoid serious problems in the future,” says researcher Fossa.

OTD in 2015—Archons enact legislation designating March as annual “Museum Month”

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Park MuseumThe 2015 Archons have enacted legislation designating the month of March each year as “Museum Month” in The Park.

At a press conference held early this morning in front of the soon-to-be-opened Park Museum, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Cuckoo spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“On behalf of my fellow Archons, I proclaim the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park.

In making this proclamation, we are recognizing the importance of documenting and understanding our history and celebrating our triumphs. At the same time, however, we must acknowledge our ongoing struggles. We hope the formal establishment of a Museum Month will facilitate just that and that the month of March will be a time for us each year to take an honest look at ourselves as a Park, to assess our accomplishments, and to rethink our goals as they relate to The Park as a whole and to each other as fellow citizens.

To that end, in conjunction with the Park Finance Office, we have made a change to The Park budget and set aside funds so that all Park museums will be able to welcome guests free of charge throughout the month of March each year. We hope this will help present and future generations to understand the history of The Park and the rôle that they themselves may play in its future.”

The legislation to which the Chief Archon referred goes by the formal name of “The Museum Month Designation Act” (“An Act to designate the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park”). The legislation was signed February 23, 2015 and takes effect on February 26, 2015.

Opening ceremonies at The Park Museum will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Sunday, March 1, 2015.

OTD in 2009—UWT to enact hiring freeze

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The University of West Terrier will enact a hiring freeze, effective 01 Myrodia.

The hiring freeze will apply to all faculty and staff appointments for the years 27 and 28 AZ, the Governors of the University announced at a press conference today.

Citing reductions in operating grants and other budgetary constraints, the Governors said that they were forced to conclude that significant cuts would have to be made in order for the University to deliver “the high quality of education for which it is renowned.”

The Governors said that, before reaching this conclusion, they had held a series of meetings with The Park’s Finance Office, as well as with a number of independent donors.

“The Park’s economy is in crisis. The Finance Office fears it cannot meet all its obligations for 27 AZ and, therefore, they told us, we must be prepared to operate on a more limited budget,” the Governors said.

The Governors’ decision was not made lightly, they emphasized.

“The only alternative that we could see was to raise tuition fees, and that is the very last thing we would do,” they said.

The University of West Terrier is The Park’s oldest and most prestigious institution of higher learning in The Park. It boasts a distinguished faculty and many illustrious alumni, including Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court, filmmaker Douglas Cheetah, and award-winning author C.L. Birman.

OTD in 2014—UWT defends new course in Human studies

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UWT Coat of ArmsMembers of the Department of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier are scrambling to defend a new course offering that has garnered a lot of social media attention in the past few days.

The course, “Living in the Human World,” was developed by Mammalian Daily advice columnist Noreen, who is also an adjunct professor in the department. The course was intended, she says, to enlighten Park Animals on the day-to-day aspects of life in the Human world.

But many believe the object of the course is to teach Animals how to live with Humans.

“What they’re doing, in a covert way, is trying to groom us for lives as pets outside The Park,” said one popular post on GooseBook.

The University strongly denies that.

“We were honoured to have Noreen join our faculty and we wanted to make use of her expertise. After all these years of observing the Human world, it would be a waste of her talents not to allow her to share her knowledge,” said Bibiano Montanaro, spokesAnimal for the UWT president.

Many on The Park’s social media sites, however, are suspicious of that explanation.

“Maybe if paired with a history course or something like that, then maybe,” said one post. Yet another summed up the feelings of many Park Animals: “If it offers a critical view of Human society, then okay. Otherwise, it’s hard to see it as anything but recruitment of us as pets.”

OTD in 2015—Herman Stoat to speak at UWT annual Open House on January 29

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UWT Coat of ArmsThe President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Herman Stoat will speak at this year’s annual Open House.

According to a post on the university’s web site, the renowned dancer, choreographer, and UWT alumnus will talk about his UWT experience and the rôle of higher education in the arts.

The full announcement appears on the University’s web site.

OTD in 2016—ASIS head to replace Mink at UWT event

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ASIS HeadC. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), will replace Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink as speaker at the 2016 University of West Terrier Open House on January 29, it was announced today.

Mink bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was sworn in as 2016 Chief Archon, explaining that he felt his focus should be on governing at this time.

In a brief statement that appeared on the university’s web site, the UWT President and Governors thanked Ant for accepting the invitation “on such short notice.”

The ASIS head, who is perhaps best known for her leadership of the brilliant team that prevented the destruction of an entire Ant colony, will be speaking about the rôle that higher education plays in investigative police work and in the maintenance of interspecial harmony in general.

The university’s full announcement about the Open House appears on its web site.

OTD in 2013—Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

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headsNtales logo

Popular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

OTD in 2014—UWT Human Studies course will use television to teach Human motivation

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University of West Terrier coat of armsThe Department of Human Studies at The University of West Terrier has green-lit a new course that will use footage of Human television shows to teach students about Human motivation.

In a brief announcement posted on the university’s web site yesterday, the President and the Board of Governors of the university confirmed the addition of the new course to the undergraduate curriculum.

“The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier and the head of the Department of Human Studies are pleased to announce the expansion of the Department’s curriculum in 2015,” the announcement reads.

As of September 2015, the announcement says, students who are attending the University and have completed at least one full year of study will be eligible to enrol in the new course, which is listed as HS 207.

Although the course description has not been finalized, the head of the Human Studies Department confirmed that learning materials will include footage of television shows that are made by and watched by Humans.

“Thanks to an agreement signed last January between the University of West Terrier and the Avian Messenger’s ‘Birds on the Wire,’® service, we have been able to obtain footage of some Human television programming. This material has proven to be extremely valuable in the understanding of  Human motivation and the Human value system and we feel fortunate to be able to offer this to our students,” she said.

The announcement did not include any information regarding the course instructor, but many believe the department will appoint Noreen, since she has expertise in the field. The adjunct professor is currently on leave to promote her book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans and will return to her teaching duties in the Autumn.

The full announcement from the University can be read here.

OTD in 2016—Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

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