The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—September 22, 2016: Noreen to chair UWT forum on effects of Human architecture on other Animals

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Official NoreenThe President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Noreen will chair a forum on the effects of Human architecture on the lives of other Animals. The forum, which will be hosted by the UWT School of Architecture, will take place on the university’s campus on October 8 and 9.

The university called the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human studies the “perfect choice” to chair the discussion because “her abilities as a mediator and as a researcher are exceptional.”

Participants in the forum will include faculty members of the UWT School of Architecture as well as faculty of the Schools of Medicine and Economics and Social Science. In addition, the university has invited community architects and professionals working in the fields of physical and mental health and well-being to share their knowledge and expertise.

Read the university’s full announcement here.

On This Day—September 5, 2015: UWT Art Gallery, Park Museum vie for art of endangered species

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Underwater Mammal ArtThe soon to be opened new art gallery at the University of West Terrier is engaged in a battle with the Park Museum for the opportunity to house and display a selection of works by members of The Park’s endangered species.

Although some of the pieces in question formed part of the 2015 Park ART Walk in August, most of the artists whose works were displayed have to date refused invitations from The Park’s art galleries in favour of private showings, most often at their own abodes.

“Obviously, this would be a real coup for us, but that is by no means the only reason we want to house the art,” said Bibiano Montanaro, spokesAnimal for the President of the University, in an interview on TMD Radio yesterday.

“As an educational institution, we feel we are the appropriate place for this art and that’s why we are engaged in this battle. But, I must say, we didn’t think we would have to fight at all, let alone this hard,” he said.

For its part, The Park Museum maintains that its mission is to house as much as it can that is representative of life in The Park.

“That means, past, present and even future,” says curator Dorika Pumi, who failed in her attempts as curator of the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) to attract artists who were members of endangered species.

And although Pumi contends that this “isn’t personal at all,” many in The Park’s art world believe otherwise.

“I don’t blame her for trying to redeem herself, but I don’t think she should do it on the backs of endangered artists,” says Anastazja Koci, an alumna of the Hani Gajah School of Art. Koci, who was shortlisted for the position of curator at the UWT art gallery, says she was taught by Pumi and maintains the utmost respect for her.

“But I think she’s pushing too hard on this,” she says.

On This Day—September 1, 2014: University of West Terrier grants Noreen leave of absence to promote book

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UWT Coat of ArmsThe University of West Terrier has granted Noreen a leave of absence so that she can promote her first book, Lovely to Look At.

In an announcement dated today and posted on the University’s web site, The President and Governors of the University confirmed that Noreen will take a leave of absence this Autumn from her duties as adjunct professor in the Department of Human Studies. Her leave will begin on September 15 and she will resume her duties at UWT on January 12, 2015.

According to her publisher, Noreen’s book is scheduled to be released in early October. 

On This Day—August 30, 2016: Park citizens not as politically savvy as in previous decades: UWT study

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CLueless

A new study out of the University of West Terrier’s Barnaby School of Government concludes that Park citizens are not as politically savvy as they were in previous decades.

Entitled, “Clueless,” the study, which will be published in the October issue of the Park Journal of Politics and Government (PJPG), found that a large number of Park citizens have virtually no knowledge of our system of government or its origins.

“Without being unnecessarily harsh, I think this shows what many of us have felt: that too many of our citizens—of all generations—have been lulled into a false sense of security and do not feel the need to engage politically,” says Delia Quagga, the author of the study and the School’s head.

According to Quagga’s research, that sense of security is particularly strong among those who were born into zoocracy at a time of relative peace among the species.

“They’ve always lived under peaceful Animal self-rule. They seem to believe that the battle has been fought and won forever. And that makes them extremely vulnerable,” Quagga contends.

The study also found that many Park citizens feel free to engage in stereotyping, primarily because they don’t remember a time when such behaviour posed a danger to peace.

“All of this underscores the need for us to communicate more effectively about history and politics,” Quagga says. “We mustn’t allow a situation in which Park citizens take anything for granted.”

On This Day—August 5, 2015: UWT to investigate allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans

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UWT COATBREAKING NEWS

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has initiated an investigation into allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans.

The announcement came in a statement signed by the President and Governors of the University and posted on the university’s web site.

According to the statement, the allegations under investigation stem from research conducted by the Department of Human Studies. No researchers or areas of research are named and the statement emphasizes the broad nature of the investigation:

The university wishes to emphasize that this is an investigation into alleged misconduct and that no particular member of our faculty or student body is under investigation at this juncture.

The investigating team consists of several UWT faculty members who serve the university independently of the Department of Human Studies. These include Dr. Chloris Cougar, Dr. Fionnula L. Fox, Dr. Hume T. Goat, Dr. Luule Aednik, and Dr. Simone Gibbon. Other team members are Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit, and Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier and a senior member of the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) will oversee the team and the investigation.

Although no time frame for a final report by the investigating team was mentioned in the statement, a spokesAnimal for the university told The Mammalian Daily that the administration is committed to conducting the investigation in a fair and timely manner.

On This Day—July 30, 2013: Museum excavators recover beloved Park tome

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The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.

In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.

“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.

Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.

“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.

The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.

“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.

“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.

In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.

“The Park Before YOU:” Zoocracy 35 mega project aims to inspire youth with a year-long romp through Park history

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zoocracy-35What began as a casual conversation between two University of West Terrier professors has grown into a mega project that they hope will arouse curiosity in young Animals about The Park’s past and inspire them to think more deeply about their own rôle in its future.

Called “The Park Before YOU,” the project is the brainchild of historian Beatrice Zilonis and Domoina Fossa of the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education. The multi-faceted, multimedia project was developed with funding from the Archons’ Zoocracy 35 Grant Program.

Using audio, video, live theatre, stand-up comedy, and even a half-hour original musical, the project will trace life in The Park from its very beginnings to the present day.

“We want this to be a rich, multidimensional experience for the young,” Zilonis said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning. “We want to pique their interest and nudge them in the direction of curiosity, instead of herding them into a classroom to hear a lecture on the wonder of Animal self-rule.”

Although the project had its impetus in that casual conversation more than a year ago, the idea had been brewing in the minds of both professors, after results of several studies indicated that The Park’s young lacked historical perspective and weren’t very interested in zoocracy or politics.

“Delia Quagga [head of the UWT Barnaby School of Government] did a study that showed Park citizens are not as politically savvy as in previous decades and we both thought we wanted to nip that in the bud,” Zilonis said in her radio interview. “The last thing we want is for that lack of interest to be passed down to the next generation.”

The Park Before YOU will run an entire year and talks about a permanent installation are underway with both The Park Museum and the University of West Terrier, Zilonis said.

Tomorrow night will mark the project’s beginning, with the screening at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre of a series of animated short films about Animal self-rule.

UWT greenlights “Paper Bag Project” to test Human intelligence, behaviour

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UWT COATThe University of West Terrier announced today that it has greenlit a new investigation into Human intelligence and behaviour that will be directed by Dr. Luule Aednik of the Department of Psychology‘s Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division.

The investigation, which will involve a team of researchers from both the Department of Psychology and the Department of Human Studies, will take place this Summer, during the height of the tourist season.

According to Dr. Aednik, researchers will be testing Humans’ ability to “think themselves out of a paper bag.” The investigation will employ more than a dozen graduate students, who will drop the bags over the heads of random Humans, as they walk through The Park. Cameras placed around The Park—in Tree branches, near ponds, outside theatres, and in picnic areas, will capture the Humans’ attempts to free themselves from the bags.

In a statement accompanying the announcement this morning, Dr. Aednik said he has no idea what the research will show.

“We come to this investigation without prejudice,” he wrote. “We have open minds and open hearts, and we will conduct the investigation with the utmost respect for the Human species.”

Data from the three-month investigation will be analyzed during the Winter, Dr. Aednik wrote, and he hopes to publish the results in the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB) next year.

Noreen, UWT law professor launch Domestic Empowerment Initiative

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Official NoreenNoreen has embarked on a new venture.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies has partnered with Chittenden School of Law professor Fionnula Fox to help Animals currently living in a domestic situation with Humans gain more control over their possessions and estates.

After conducting a study last year that concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions, Fox—a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park)—invited Noreen to work with her on rectifying what she calls a “dismal situation” for domestic Animals.

“I thought we’d make a great pair in this regard,” she told The Mammalian Daily. “I was sure that if we combined Noreen’s deep knowledge and understanding of Humans and my knowledge of the law outside The Park, we’d be able to come up with the perfect solution.”

Whether that solution is perfect remains to be seen, but the confident pair will unveil the first part of its Domestic Empowerment Initiative (DEI) on June 22, fittingly during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law will host the Q&A event and forms for wills and booklets on estate planning will be given out free of charge to all Animals.

Both Fox and Noreen know the risks involved in trying to change Humans’ views and behaviour, but they’re both confident it can be done over time.

“For the sake of domestic Animals, we have to adopt a slow and gentle approach with Humans,” says Fox. “Because the truth is we have no legal basis to force them to do anything.”

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