The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2017—2017 POPS in stable condition as Park awaits hospital press conference

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Hermione HippoAs Ditmar Bosmarmot, 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), remains in stable condition after being diagnosed with Premature Awakening from hibernation (PA), a press conference has been called for this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Hospital spokesAnimal Aurélie Brebis confirmed the press conference in a short communiqué this morning:

“The hospital’s head nurse, Hermione Hippo, will deliver a statement on the condition of Ditmar Bosmarmot and afterwards will take questions from the press this afternoon at three o’clock in the main conference room of the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.”

Bismarmot, who was elected POPS in November, was roused from his burrow at approximately seven o’clock on Groundhog Day morning. He appeared groggy and after losing his footing along the way, he was helped to the prognostication pad by two aides. While there were concerns that he would not be able to fulfill his duties, he was able to stand on the prognostication pad unaided for a sufficient length of time to make the prognostication. According to a spokesAnimal for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who certified the prediction, the judge had “no hesitation whatsoever in doing so” and certified the prediction “with complete certainty as to its validity.”

Immediately thereafter, Bosmarmot was taken off the pad by members of the Emergency Elephant Brigade (EEB), who helped him onto a stretcher and delivered him to the Park Hospital.

A diagnosis of Premature Awakening from hibernation was made at the scene and confirmed later that day. Until this morning, however, doctors had made no comment on Bosmarmot’s condition other than to say it was “stable.”

The Mammalian Daily will keep its readers apprised of the condition of the POPS via Twitter and Facebook.

OTD in 2016—UWT receives funds for new study of premature awakening from hibernation

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UWT COATThanks to an anonymous donor, the University of West Terrier will be able to fund a third study into the causes of premature awakening from hibernation.

In an announcement on the University’s web site, the President and Governors thanked the “anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds.”

“The University is deeply grateful for the funding and wishes to thank the anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds. We are confident that your generous donation will save countless lives and your effort on behalf of hibernators will become a shining example of the power of interspecial caring,” the announcement said.

The donation, which came via the Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening will fund a thirty-six-month project. The project leaders and venues have yet to be announced, but it is believed that the bulk of the research will be done at the University’s School of Medicine.

The University’s full announcement can be read here.

OTD in 2016—Scented TV update: Animals remain hospitalized as investigations continue

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Vertebrate Vision TVEighty per cent of Park Animals who were hospitalized after watching a scented television show on December 27 remain in hospital, according to a joint update issued by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS),

The Animals were among those who arrived at the hospital roughly a half-hour into the show’s broadcast on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV). Their symptoms included dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems, and hair loss.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like what happened here that night,” said Hermione Hippo, the Park Hospital’s head nurse, at a short press conference last week.

The holiday show was a joint project of VVTV, Chef Tab Tricolore, and gewper, The Park’s only scented social networking site. RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the companies that supplied the show’s scent, now find themselves under investigation by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), while VVTV launched its own investigation on December 28. The findings of that investigation are expected to be made public sometime in March, a VVTV spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.

Meanwhile, the sickly cohort is expected to remain at the hospital at least until the middle of the month, Hippo says.

“They’re just beginning to be able to walk without toppling over, and they’re taking small amounts of food. They’re moving in a positive direction, but very slowly,” she said.

On This Day—December 6, 2015: DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

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Non-Hibernators' GuiltThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

On This Day—November 28, 2016: Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

On This Day—October 31, 2014: Park Animals may be predisposed to eating Human food: Noreen

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Official NoreenWe shouldn’t judge Park Finance Officer Milton Struts too harshly if, in fact, he did accept an offer of food from Humans.

So writes Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, who begins a leave of absence tomorrow to promote her new book, Lovely To Look At.

In an open letter to be published this weekend on The Mammalian Daily web site, Noreen encourages Park citizens to be “tolerant of the effects that proximity to Humans has had on our population.”

“There is scientific evidence that has come to us from experiments performed at the University of West Terrier that indicates very strongly that the prolonged exposure to Humans experienced by Park Animals has had a profound effect on our senses, most notably our senses of smell and taste,” she writes.

It is not surprising, then, that we have developed a taste for Human food, despite its inferior quality and our limited ability to digest it.

“Time was, no Park Animal would even consider eating something a Human eats. But times have changed. Not only do we consider it, but many more of us than we realize actually do it. It is the ‘dirty little secret’ that many Animals will not speak about. Whether or not Mr. Struts did eat the food as has been reported, it opens up a dialogue that we should have had a long time ago.” she writes.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in early November.
Copies will be available for purchase at the Toronto International Book Fair (November 13-16) and on the publisher’s web site thereafter.

On This Day—October 24, 2014: Human diet “deadly” for all: Park nurse

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Park General Hospital nurse Hermione HippoWhether or not, as has been alleged, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Humans, health care specialists are issuing a stern warning to Animals who might be tempted to try the food of The Park’s two-legged visitors.

“The Human diet can kill you,” says Hermione Hippo.

The veteran health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm spoke bluntly and honestly in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

“Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage and eating it will likely result in a number of health issues, not all of which are treatable,” she said.

The well-respected nurse went on to describe the processes that result in what she calls “barely recognizable forms of food” and “ingredients that are so filthy and ugly that I hesitate to mention them on-air.”

Hippo said problems arising from the consumption of Human food have been documented not just by health care workers, but by The Park’s top groomers and aestheticians, as well.

“We are even looking at the possibility that certain conditions, such as Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease, are caused by Human food [consumption]. Our fellow citizens should take care not to graze in areas that may have been used as picnic lands by visitors,” she said.

Hippo offered this advice to those who believe they inadvertently may have ingested Human food: go directly to your physician or to the hospital, she said.

“We have ways to treat this type of poisoning in the early stages, so don’t wait. If you believe you may have eaten Human food, seek help immediately.”

On This Day—August 6, 2012: Animal IQs fall after time spent with Humans: study

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Animals achieve lower scores on intelligence tests after they have spent a significant length of time in the company of Humans, say the results of a study conducted by the Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division at the University of West Terrier’s Department of Psychology.

The research study, which involved 5,000 Animals from inside and outside The Park, was conducted over a period of three years by UWT psychology professor and lead researcher, Dr. Luule Aednik. The full results will appear in the September issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP).

Supported in full by University research funds, the study concludes that prolonged amounts of time spent in close contact with Humans causes a “numbing effect” on the brains of the members of many species.

“There is a deficit after a certain length of time,” said Aednik in an interview with The Mammalian Daily.

“The most shocking result in the testing was the loss of recognition of some of the characteristics of one’s own species. We saw some types of species-specific behaviour almost disappear, often after only a few months. Animals lost basic skills; some had even forgotten how to secure their own food,” she said.

Though the impetus for the study was purely academic, Aednik believes the results have more widespread implications.

“I think they explain some of the problems that some Animals have had in adapting to life in The Park,” she said.

Mark your calendars for these important January 2023 events

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January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January-December 2023 
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been more than a full decade since The Park harmonized its calendar with the outside world. The Park Museum is planning to celebrate this occasion all year long, with a lineup of special events that will be announced monthly. Check their web site for details: Park Museum.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winters. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling quite like it!

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2022 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the fifth time since its opening, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic—which in August will celebrate a decade of serving The Park’s citizens and residents—will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome guests from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt, and the effects of the Human Crisis on Park Animals. Information on the the newest treatment options will also be available. Refreshments will be served courtesy of Chef Tab Triocolore’s grassRoutes restaurant and The Battering Ram Café.

Park ArchonsJanuary 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-third. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

January 1- March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: An Appreciation of the Prognostication Pad”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Mark your calendars for these important January 2022 events

By

January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January-December 2022 
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a full decade since The Park harmonized its calendar with the outside world. The Park Museum is planning to celebrate this occasion all year long, with a lineup of special events that will be announced monthly. Check their web site for details: Park Museum.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winters. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling quite like it!

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2022 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the fifth time since its opening, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic—which in August will celebrate a decade of serving The Park’s citizens and residents—will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome guests from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt, and the effects of the Human Crisis on Park Animals. Information on the the newest treatment options will also be available. Refreshments will be served courtesy of Chef Tab Triocolore’s grassRoutes restaurant and The Battering Ram Café.

Park ArchonsJanuary 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-third. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

January 1- March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: An Appreciation of the Prognostication Pad”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

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