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On This Day—October 24, 2014: Human diet “deadly” for all: Park nurse

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Park General Hospital nurse Hermione HippoWhether or not, as has been alleged, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Humans, health care specialists are issuing a stern warning to Animals who might be tempted to try the food of The Park’s two-legged visitors.

“The Human diet can kill you,” says Hermione Hippo.

The veteran health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm spoke bluntly and honestly in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

“Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage and eating it will likely result in a number of health issues, not all of which are treatable,” she said.

The well-respected nurse went on to describe the processes that result in what she calls “barely recognizable forms of food” and “ingredients that are so filthy and ugly that I hesitate to mention them on-air.”

Hippo said problems arising from the consumption of Human food have been documented not just by health care workers, but by The Park’s top groomers and aestheticians, as well.

“We are even looking at the possibility that certain conditions, such as Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease, are caused by Human food [consumption]. Our fellow citizens should take care not to graze in areas that may have been used as picnic lands by visitors,” she said.

Hippo offered this advice to those who believe they inadvertently may have ingested Human food: go directly to your physician or to the hospital, she said.

“We have ways to treat this type of poisoning in the early stages, so don’t wait. If you believe you may have eaten Human food, seek help immediately.”

On This Day—August 6, 2012: Animal IQs fall after time spent with Humans: study

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Animals achieve lower scores on intelligence tests after they have spent a significant length of time in the company of Humans, say the results of a study conducted by the Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division at the University of West Terrier’s Department of Psychology.

The research study, which involved 5,000 Animals from inside and outside The Park, was conducted over a period of three years by UWT psychology professor and lead researcher, Dr. Luule Aednik. The full results will appear in the September issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP).

Supported in full by University research funds, the study concludes that prolonged amounts of time spent in close contact with Humans causes a “numbing effect” on the brains of the members of many species.

“There is a deficit after a certain length of time,” said Aednik in an interview with The Mammalian Daily.

“The most shocking result in the testing was the loss of recognition of some of the characteristics of one’s own species. We saw some types of species-specific behaviour almost disappear, often after only a few months. Animals lost basic skills; some had even forgotten how to secure their own food,” she said.

Though the impetus for the study was purely academic, Aednik believes the results have more widespread implications.

“I think they explain some of the problems that some Animals have had in adapting to life in The Park,” she said.

Mark your calendars for these important January 2023 events

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January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January-December 2023 
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been more than a full decade since The Park harmonized its calendar with the outside world. The Park Museum is planning to celebrate this occasion all year long, with a lineup of special events that will be announced monthly. Check their web site for details: Park Museum.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winters. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling quite like it!

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2022 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the fifth time since its opening, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic—which in August will celebrate a decade of serving The Park’s citizens and residents—will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome guests from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt, and the effects of the Human Crisis on Park Animals. Information on the the newest treatment options will also be available. Refreshments will be served courtesy of Chef Tab Triocolore’s grassRoutes restaurant and The Battering Ram Café.

Park ArchonsJanuary 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-third. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

January 1- March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: An Appreciation of the Prognostication Pad”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Mark your calendars for these important January 2022 events

By

January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January-December 2022 
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a full decade since The Park harmonized its calendar with the outside world. The Park Museum is planning to celebrate this occasion all year long, with a lineup of special events that will be announced monthly. Check their web site for details: Park Museum.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winters. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling quite like it!

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2022 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the fifth time since its opening, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic—which in August will celebrate a decade of serving The Park’s citizens and residents—will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome guests from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt, and the effects of the Human Crisis on Park Animals. Information on the the newest treatment options will also be available. Refreshments will be served courtesy of Chef Tab Triocolore’s grassRoutes restaurant and The Battering Ram Café.

Park ArchonsJanuary 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-third. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

January 1- March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: An Appreciation of the Prognostication Pad”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Mark your calendars for these important January 2020 events

By

January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January 5: “The Nature of Zoocracy/The Zoocracy of Nature.”
 This one-day symposium on the subject of zoocracy and nature will be hosted by the University of West Terrier’s departments of history, political philosophy, and psychology. Faculty members and other experts in those fields will discuss the reciprocal relationship between natural behaviour and zoocracy. Keynote speakers: Magnus Marmoset, holder of the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy and BirdBrains directors Gwendolyn Goose and Henry Gander, authors of “Zoocracy After Thirty-Five: A New Avian Era.” Location: University of West Terrier.

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic
Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2020 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For only the third time since its opening in August 2012, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome Park residents from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, including the newest treatment options. Refreshments will be served.

January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-first. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

Until March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Hermione Hippo: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

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BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen head nurse Hermione Hippo as its 2019 Animal of the Year.

TMD managing editor Orphea Haas made the announcement at a press conference at noon today.

“For her work with patients suffering from Small Ball Fever to Tulip-Related Illness, her passionate advocacy of proper nutrition and her study of nutrition’s rôle in emotional and mental health, and for her genuine concern for the welfare of Park Animals, The Mammalian Daily has chosen head nurse Hermione Hippo as its 2019 Animal of The Year,” Haas said.

Haas also praised Hippo for inspiring new generations to enter the healing professions and to take up the cause of good nutrition and balance in life.

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Hermione Hippo and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2020.

UWT greenlights “Paper Bag Project” to test Human intelligence, behaviour

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UWT COATThe University of West Terrier announced today that it has greenlit a new investigation into Human intelligence and behaviour that will be directed by Dr. Luule Aednik of the Department of Psychology‘s Cognitive and Experimental Psychology division.

The investigation, which will involve a team of researchers from both the Department of Psychology and the Department of Human Studies, will take place this Summer, during the height of the tourist season.

According to Dr. Aednik, researchers will be testing Humans’ ability to “think themselves out of a paper bag.” The investigation will employ more than a dozen graduate students, who will drop the bags over the heads of random Humans, as they walk through The Park. Cameras placed around The Park—in Tree branches, near ponds, outside theatres, and in picnic areas, will capture the Humans’ attempts to free themselves from the bags.

In a statement accompanying the announcement this morning, Dr. Aednik said he has no idea what the research will show.

“We come to this investigation without prejudice,” he wrote. “We have open minds and open hearts, and we will conduct the investigation with the utmost respect for the Human species.”

Data from the three-month investigation will be analyzed during the Winter, Dr. Aednik wrote, and he hopes to publish the results in the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB) next year.

The Park’s new frontier: focus of UWT conference will be population control

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UWT COATSpring has sprung and our thoughts turn naturally toward new growth. But this year, the thoughts of academics at the University of West Terrier, will be turning in the opposite direction.

At an upcoming conference, entitled,  ”Population Control: The Park’s New Frontier,” UWT scholars from a number of departments and faculties will be discussing a subject they admit is controversial: controlling The Park’s population.

“It’s not something that’s popular to talk about,” admits Dr. M. Rosario Morsa, Professor of Statistics and Well-Being at UWT’s School of Medicine. “But, with our rising population and diminishing resources, there is a pressing need.”

Morsa, who is known for his study of population control methods outside The Park, says that after thirty-five years of zoocracy, it’s time for us to plan our future and discussing population growth is part of that.

“In many ways, it’s a sign of our success that we are bringing this issue to the conference table,” he told Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

Morsa says it’s time for the Archons to put together a population plan that balances immigration and reproduction. But he admits that such a plan has never been devised anywhere, including in the Human world.

“That is both a problem and a challenge that I believe we’ll be able to rise to,” he says.

Still, Morsa admits it won’t be easy.

“We realize there will be many who’ll say we’re infringing on their basic rights, but we have no intention of doing that. We’re looking at developing an educational programme that will explain to Park Animals that smaller families are better for them, for the environment, and for The Park,” he says. “We’re hoping that, in the end, it will be their decision to limit their number of young.”

To read the full UWT announcement about the conference, click here.

2017 POPS in stable condition as Park awaits hospital press conference

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Hermione Hippo

As Ditmar Bosmarmot, 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), remains in stable condition after being diagnosed with Premature Awakening from hibernation (PA), a press conference has been called for this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Hospital spokesAnimal Aurélie Brebis confirmed the press conference in a short communiqué this morning:

“The hospital’s head nurse, Hermione Hippo, will deliver a statement on the condition of Ditmar Bosmarmot and afterwards will take questions from the press this afternoon at three o’clock in the main conference room of the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.”

Bismarmot, who was elected POPS in November, was roused from his burrow at approximately seven o’clock on Groundhog Day morning. He appeared groggy and after losing his footing along the way, he was helped to the prognostication pad by two aides. While there were concerns that he would not be able to fulfill his duties, he was able to stand on the prognostication pad unaided for a sufficient length of time to make the prognostication. According to a spokesAnimal for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who certified the prediction, the judge had “no hesitation whatsoever in doing so” and certified the prediction “with complete certainty as to its validity.”

Immediately thereafter, Bosmarmot was taken off the pad by members of the Emergency Elephant Brigade (EEB), who helped him onto a stretcher and delivered him to the Park Hospital.

A diagnosis of Premature Awakening from hibernation was made at the scene and confirmed later that day. Until this morning, however, doctors had made no comment on Bosmarmot’s condition other than to say it was “stable.”

The Mammalian Daily will keep its readers apprised of the condition of the POPS via Twitter and Facebook.

Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

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UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

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