The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Harmonious Hannah abduction: police probe link to Tartan Crab murder

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Harmonious HannahBREAKING NEWS

Park Police confirmed today that they are investigating a possible connection between the September abduction of Harmonious Hannah and the 2004 murder of the Tartan Crab.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Inspector Martin of the Murder Investigations Unit said the two crimes bear similarities that have led police to suspect a connection.

“Without going into too much detail, I can confirm that certain aspects of these cases have led us to believe there is a connection between the two crimes,” he said.

The Inspector, who has worked on the Tartan Crab murder case from the beginning, said he always felt police would be able to solve the mysterious death.

“Many in The Park consider it [the Tartan Crab case] to be a cold case, but I can tell you that police have never treated it that way. It is an open investigation to this day,” he said.

But the recovery of Harmonious Hannah, Martin says, has yielded more information than police have had access to in the last five years.

The oversized stuff toy is one half of the “harmonious pair” used by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to foster interspecial harmony among youth. She went missing in September after working a particularly difficult Stereotype Sunday and was recovered from a dumpster on November 20.

Martin said that Hannah had undergone extensive testing at the Park Police’s crime laboratory and although he offered no details as to the results, he confirmed that police had gleaned “very valuable” information from them.

Hannah remains in police custody “for the time being,” Martin said, but she will be released to the DWBS as soon as possible.

Noreen to oust Yannis Tavros for one-off “Soppy Season Q&A” on Toro Talk Radio

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lovely-to-look-at-back-cover

Noreen will answer questions about the soppy season on the Yannis Tavros show

BREAKING NEWS

Noreen will be taking over Yannis Tavros’s radio show next Tuesday.

In a press release issued today, Toro Talk Radio, the station that hosts Tavros’s daily call-in show, announced that it has booked Noreen for his time slot on December 15.

“We are pleased that Noreen has accepted our invitation to appear on air and answer your most pressing questions about the ‘soppy season,’ ” the press release said.

According to the station’s management, The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and author of Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans will host a live “extended public service announcement” on Tuesday. She will be taking calls from the audience on the subject of keeping safe and coping with Humans during the “soppy season.”

“We’ve all come to understand just how soppy Humans can be, sometimes,” Noreen said in an interview earlier this year. “But what many of us don’t understand is how to cope with that and how to keep ourselves safe in the face of such an onslaught of emotion.”

Almost a year ago, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), which issues an annual safety alert at this time of year, announced that it was collaborating with Noreen on a guide for staying safe during the Human soppy seasons. While publication of that guide has been delayed, the DWBS has enlisted Noreen’s help in getting the word out through other media.

“What some Animals don’t understand is that there are many soppy seasons in the Human calendar and each one generates a different problem,” says DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo. “It is a much more complex issue than we originally thought.”

In the meantime, Toro Talk Radio has invited listeners to submit their questions beforehand as well as during the show’s airing.

“We anticipate an overflow [of questions], but be assured that Noreen will answer each and every inquiry, either on air or afterwards,” says a spokesAnimal for the radio station.

DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

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Non-Hibernators' Guilt

Do you have NHG? Don’t suffer in silence. Visit a pop-up clinic today!

BREAKING NEWS

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

Endangered species band announces dates, venues for “The Farewell Tour”

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Endangered species band

Last Stand band announced today that it will begin touring in the new year

Last Stand, the newly-formed band whose members all hail from endangered species, has announced the dates and venues of its “Farewell Tour.”

In a press release issued today, the band’s founder and lead guitarist, who goes by the name of RAYdius, declared his band to be “ready, willing, and able to embark on its first and last tour.”

But this may just be the beginning. In a radio interview yesterday, RAYdius expressed his hope that there would be more concerts to announce. He also put out a call to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations that the new band would love to receive an invitation to appear at some of The Park’s major events.

“We’re hoping to be invited to the swearing-in ceremony of the new Archons and to the Groundhog Day celebrations, but so far, we haven’t heard anything,” he said.

Tickets for the first concert, at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will go on sale on Monday, December 14.

Sierpinski Squirrel replaces Blandine Okapi on Archon Transition Team

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Sierpinski Squirrel

Sierpinski Squirrel: Archon Transition Team’s newest member

Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team.

ATT spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin made the announcement at a short press conference yesterday afternoon.

“We are pleased to announce that Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team. We are confident that he will make an excellent team member and we look forward to working with him for a long time to come,” Hoatzin said.

The Squirrel, who is Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, replaces Blandine Okapi, who resigned her position on the team last year, citing “philosophical differences.” This new appointment brings the team back up to its regular membership of thirteen and comes just in time for the annual transition preparations.

The addition of Sierpinski to the team was hailed by many in The Park’s political community, particularly those who are avid supporters of sortition, the lottery system by which The Park’s thirty-five Archons are chosen annually.

“I think Sierpinski was by far the best choice,” said Sylvana Rana in a radio interview this morning. The president of Save Our Political System (SOPS) said Sierpinski has “proven his loyalty to zoocracy” through his support of the political system that was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader.

The other members of the Archon Transition Team expressed their approval, as well. In a joint press release issued this morning, they welcomed Sierpinski and confirmed that the team’s first meeting would be held on December 15.

Remember November? Here’s your reminder of what happened in The Park

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RecapNovember 1-15

Hieronymous Hedgehog invokes uncle at emotional swearing-in ceremony

POPS election update: so many candidates, so little time for debate

The polls are open, the race is on. May the best candidate become POPS 2016

Dear Noreen: Humans need an answer? There’s a stat for that!

TMD Exclusive: Stinktier throws his hat in the ring for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

Holstein Fashion signals its intent to move into the hibernation market

Hibernating community breaks with tradition in Keeper of the Nut selection

November 15-30

Trees of hearts line path as friends say “Au Revoir” to Park hibernators  Recap

Harmonious Hannah found in dumpster

At last, Mikko Tiikeri’s light burns bright

Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

Gunnar Rotte accepts part-time position as counsellor at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

ZEAL backs out of performance at Celebration of the Winter Solstice

A Hare as a spare? Park Election Office to designate runner-up in POPS election

A Hare as a spare? Park Election Office to designate runner-up in POPS election

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POPS BREAKING NEWS

Now that 2016 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Adelheid Whistlepig is safely ensconced in her burrow, The Park Election Office has rendered her election win the last of its kind.

Executing what some are calling a “momentous change” in POPS election policy, the PEO has decided to designate an official POPS runner-up—an Animal who will fulfill the duties of the POPS should she or he be unable to do so. The change in policy will take effect at the next election.

At a press conference this afternoon, PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement.

“Many factors were involved in our decision to designate an official runner-up—a spare, you might say—in the POPS election,” he said.

Among those factors, Wezel cited the lack of age restriction for candidates and the precariousness of life itself. But one thing stood out for Park citizens—and particularly for The Park’s weather makers— and that was the change in climate over the past decades.

“In the few years that we have been electing the POPS—a little more than a decade, in fact—our climate has become less and less predictable,” Wezel said.

“As many in our medical community have noted, premature awakening from hibernation, which was once a rare occurrence, has become a blight on our hibernating population. This is a serious matter and selecting a runner-up to the POPS is not a solution to this dilemma. But it is a first step in acknowledging that we must accommodate to it until we can change it. It is for this reason that I petitioned the Archons last year for a change in policy. And it is for this reason that they  agreed,” he said.

Wezel confirmed that the runner-up would likely be the candidate who received the second-largest number of votes, but he said the laws surrounding the selection have yet to be written.

“This is something that will take some time and a lot of deliberation, but the wheels are now in motion,” he said.

ZEAL backs out of performance at Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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ZEAL

ZEAL

Attendees at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice will not have the opportunity to enjoy ZEAL’s music live.

In a communiqué issued this morning, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that the popular Park singer has backed out of his commitment to perform at December’s festivities.

“We regret to announce that ZEAL will not be performing at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice,” the communiqué said.

While the department’s announcement gave no reason for the cancellation, a post on ZEAL’s web site said “unforeseen conflicts” had “made it impossible” for him to perform at the celebrations this year.

In a follow-up statement, Aintza Kanariar, the department’s Director of Public Relations, said that while she regrets ZEAL’s withdrawal from the celebration, “We do have a stellar lineup to offer that includes musical performers, dancers, and many other artists of the highest calibre. We wish ZEAL well in his endeavours and we hope he will be able to join us at future celebrations.”

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on Monday, December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm. The Solstice will occur at 11:49 pm Local Park Time (LPT).

Gunnar Rotte accepts part-time position as counsellor at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

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Extinction Anxiety Clinic

The Extinction Anxiety Clinic made Gunnar Rotte an offer he couldn’t refuse

Beginning in January, Gunnar Rotte will be working part-time as a counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

The beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter made the announcement this morning, almost a year to the day since the publication of his controversial editorial made him an enemy of The Park’s striped and spotted population.

In the announcement, which was embedded in a second editorial, Rotte said the clinic had made him “an offer that he couldn’t refuse.”

“I was raised on a traumatic narrative. The members of my species are under constant threat. For that reason, I think I have something valuable to offer those who suffer from extinction anxiety. I am honoured that the clinic considered me for this position and I look forward to making the best of this opportunity,” the announcement said.

According to the EAC head, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Rotte will be working at the clinic’s second location, which is set to open in January. The new clinic, which will be located in a building adjacent to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, will take over a space that was previously used by the Small Ball Fever Research Group.

Rotte will work two evenings a week and one full day on the weekend, Dr. Strix confirmed.

In today’s piece, Rotte thanked his editor and his colleagues at The Rodent Commoner for supporting his newest effort and said that he has no plans to leave his current post.

“I love my job here. I just want to do more and I am grateful to be given the opportunity,” he said.

Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

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Hieronymous twitter account

Click image above to follow Hieronymous on Twitter during hibernation.

Move over, Keeper of the Nut. Hieronymous Hedgehog has a Keeper of the Tweets.

The Hedgehog, who was sworn in November 2 as The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador, left little to chance, it appears, when he went into hibernation on November 17.

In fact, what he left was eleven weeks’ worth of tweets on the subject of hibernation, including the details of preparation and what life underground is really like.

“He took his duties very seriously, particularly those related to educating non-hibernators, and he was dismayed that the position was created so late in the year,” said Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo, who appointed the Hedgehog in late October. The position carries a term of five years.

The Chief Archon said they spoke on a number of occasions about the time crunch and the need for Hieronymous to prepare for his own hibernation while leaving time to attend to his new duties, including hosting Q&A sessions on Twitter.

“I told him to resume his duties full-time in the Spring and not to worry about it. But he wanted a more concrete solution to the problem,” she said.

Enter The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitters, GoUnderground, for whom Hieronymous is a spokesAnimal.

“He was facing a deadline in every sense of the word and I told him that whatever we could do to help, we would,” says Nafari Bongo, GoUnderground’s Director of Sales.

The solution they came up with was for Hieronymous to take a few days and dictate everything he wanted to say about hibernation this year. Then, they’d hire another Animal to send the info as tweets throughout the Winter.

“Hieronymous was thrilled with that solution. He kept saying, ‘Brilliant! Brilliant!’ And his enthusiasm was infectious. We all got into it and made suggestions about topics and questions that non-hibernators might have,” Bongo says.

The hibernation outfitter then discreetly placed an ad for a non-hibernator to take over the Twitter account for twelve weeks.

“We found the perfect tweeter and we’re almost ready to go live,” he says. But the identity of that tweeter will be kept under wraps until the Spring.

As for Hieronymous, we wish him a happy hibernation and we look forward to seeing him again on Groundhog Day.

“Under and out, as he might say,” laughs Bongo.

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