Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Herman Stoat will speak at this year’s annual Open House.
According to a post on the university’s web site, the renowned dancer, choreographer, and UWT alumnus will talk about his UWT experience and the rôle of higher education in the arts.
The full announcement appears on the University’s web site.
The Park’s “most-watched” gossip web site headsNtales is reporting that, some years ago, Thisbe had a relationship with Bailey, The Mammalian Daily’s longtime Balls columnist.
According to the report, the founder and lead singer of The Park’s most successful and beloved musical group had a “short but productive relationship with Bailey, who was the Mammalian Daily Balls Columnist for over a decade. Sources say they remained friends long after.”
Although the site does not define the word, “productive,” and does not elaborate on “long after,” many are speculating that Thisbe might have raised a family secretly with Bailey.
headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says she contacted the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, for confirmation, but has not heard back. Despite that, Guacamayo says she feels confident in going to press because the site has more than one “reliable source” for the information.
As the protest grows outside The Mammalian Daily offices, Managing Editor Orphea Haas has called an emergency meeting this afternoon of all editorial staff.
A spokesAnimal for the paper confirmed that Haas personally contacted editorial staff as well as the photographer who shot the picture that started the protest.
“She is taking this very seriously,” the spokesAnimal said. “We pride ourselves on dealing with all stories with respect and fairness and our publishing record is proof of that. We want to understand fully why this protest has erupted.”
The protest, which enters its seventh day today, began after the paper published a photograph of Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Espen Rotte. The photograph was taken as Rotte returned after shopping at a bakery outside The Park. Rotte had bought two pies, but complained that he had been “assaulted” while visiting the bakery. The photograph showed Rotte with his pies but, to some, it appeared that Rotte had in fact stolen the pies. The complainants outside the newspaper offices have said that the way the photographer caught Rotte’s face makes him look “sly” or “as if he got away with something.”
Dedrick Knaagdier of the aid group Rodents at Risk says the photo “redirected the story entirely.”
“This wasn’t about Rotte or pies. It was about stereotyping and prejudice and its abusive consequences. Instead of going after those who allegedly assaulted Rotte, the paper went after Rotte himself. And that is why we must stay here until we have an answer as to why they chose to do that.”
While staff will be meeting inside, Rotte is expected to make an appearance at the protest at 1:00 p.m. Park Police say they are “prepared for whatever happens.”
The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has released the Official Schedule of the 2015 Groundhog Day Celebrations.
At a press conference held early this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced plans for what the department has dubbed the “most jam-packed” Groundhog Day celebrations ever.
“We’re making history this year with a new, expanded version,” Kanariar said, beaming.
Those who attend the celebrations annually will note several additions to this year’s festival. Between the much-anticipated Archons’ Address and the super-celebratory Groundhog Day Parade, the department has scheduled a dance performance by the Herman Stoat Dance Company and a short play performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company.
“We are extremely proud that these companies accepted our invitation to perform at the celebrations. We think these additions will make for a much more inclusive festival,” Kanariar said.
She also hinted that this year’s parade will have not only a larger number of floats, but that some groups have “updated or expanded” their presentations.
One of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations is the food and this year, Kanariar said, the department decided to extend the hours that the food stations will be open. Five full hours have been added, which will take the entire festival into the evening for the first time.
“It’s part of our commitment to inclusiveness. Some Animals are up and about in the morning and others take a little longer to get going. And some take afternoon naps. We want all Park Animals to be able to enjoy what is one of the most important holidays on The Park’s calendar,” she said.
And, for the second year in a row, the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters on Twitter. The live coverage can be followed here.
Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. may not attend this year’s Groundhog Day festivities
Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. may not be well enough to attend this year’s Groundhog Day ceremonies, according to a recent post on the gossip web site headsNtales.
The site quotes a friend of Whistlepig, who claims the chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations has not been well since last year’s shadow controversy occurred.
“He was forced to stay awake in order to deal with the whole mess surrounding the prognostication. He meant to return to hibernation, but it dragged on too long. His health has been fragile ever since,” says Elmo Sopuli.
According to Sopuli, Whistlepig had been seeing Dr. Bourru on a regular basis for thermal therapy until he went into hibernation in November. Sopuli says that Dr. Bourru did not think it wise for Whistlepig to be awakened for the ceremonies this year.
“Wyatt shivered through most of the year and experienced a good deal of confusion in the Spring. I wouldn’t want to see him go through that again,” Sopuli says.
Despite his troubles, Whistlepig managed to organize what Sopuli and others are predicting will be the “greatest Groundhog Day celebration ever.”
According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s event will be the most jam-packed one yet, with more floats, more music, more food, and even a new dance choreographed by Herman Stoat.
“We’re going to make history this year,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department.
Nesthetics, the company that won the contract to design and construct the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations, is staying mum about the details of its new product.
A short statement released this morning said that “at this time” the company does not wish to disclose any details regarding the pad:
Due to the importance of the occasion and the great responsibility that we have undertaken, we feel it would be inappropriate at this time to discuss any of the aspects related to the construction of the 2015 prognostication pad.
We are confident that upon unveiling the pad on February 2, the Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), the Archons, and all Park citizens will be pleased with its design and function.
We look forward to celebrating Groundhog Day with our fellow Park residents.
Meanwhile, gossip site headsNtales has posted what it claims is a verified photograph of the prototype of the 2015 prognostication pad. The photograph shows an oval green mound that has a border of small yellow flowers.
Nesthetics has refused to comment on the site’s photograph.
The standoff between protesters and The Mammalian Daily has entered its third day
As the standoff between protesters and Mammalian Daily editors enters its third day, the reasons for this historic protest are becoming clear.
“Primarily, it’s about the message you’re sending, particularly with that photograph of Gunnar]Rotte],” says Dedrick Knaagdier, Media Relations Representative for The Park’s aid group, Rodents at Risk.
Knaagdier has been in attendance at the protest since the beginning, though he wasn’t among those who started it.
“They weren’t even Gunnar’s friends, but they saw the injustice and the way the paper was manipulating the message and they couldn’t take it anymore,” he says.
“Gunnar made a legitimate complaint but it was overshadowed by that photograph.”
The photograph in question shows Rotte holding two pies that he says he purchased at a bakery outside The Park. His complaint was that he had been assaulted at the bakery while trying to buy the pies.
“The way the photograph was taken, it makes it look as if he’s a thief,” says Knaagdier.
“He looks as if he’s smiling … as if he got away with something, rather than he did his duty [by paying] but was treated terribly. The photograph just plays into the stereotyping of Rodents … something they experience on a daily basis.”
Despite attempts by all major Park media to contact Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas, no official statement has been made, nor has the name of the photographer been revealed.
“They’ve said nothing, not even ‘We stand by our story,'” says Knaagdier.
The New Harmony Theatre will open near the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond
BREAKING NEWS
A small group of actors and playwrights from The Park’s Burrow Theatre is planning to open a new performance area known as The New Harmony Theatre.
In an official statement released this morning, the group that now calls itself The Rapporties said it wants to dedicate its talent to the pursuit of harmony in The Park.
“We have seen the devastation, both outside and inside The Park, that a lack of harmony can cause. We think The Park has matured now to the point that we as artists should be dedicating ourselves to the pursuit of harmony and this is our contribution,” the statement reads.
Alejandro Topo, a spokesAnimal for The Rapporties, told Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros this morning that the site of the new theatre will be a small parcel of land near the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.
“We thought it was fitting, in light of what happened to the Tartan Crab, that we should honour him by attempting to achieve harmony where he rests,” Topo said.
The New Harmony Theatre will open in the late Spring.
BREAKING NEWS
Just hours after the swearing-in ceremonies of the 2015 Archons, Park Police have been called to the offices of The Mammalian Daily as a large protest against the newspaper grows outside the main door.
“We don’t know what it’s all about yet, but the protesters all appear to be holding the same photograph of [Rodent Commoner reporter] Gunnar Rotte,” said Officer Gareth Shepherd, minutes after arriving at the scene.
Witnesses who had been there earlier said the protest began with two Rats who were holding signs and shouting profanities, calling the newspaper “specist and petty” and threatening to destroy it.
“I thought they were friends of Gunnar [Rotte], but they said they didn’t even know him. It was the principle that mattered … and the paper had broken faith with its readers,” said Marcellus Wolverine.
Log onto mammaliandaily.com for new details as this story unfolds.
The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2015 government have been released.
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.
The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.
Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.
The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.
ARCHONS – 2015
Cuckoo, Abayomi Tanishia (Chief Archon)
Acarina, Mareike; Anaconda, Marta Julianna; Aucklet, Brandon; Bittern, Emma Gunvor; Blenny, Sibyl; Caiman, Iphigeneia; Crab, Daimhin; Flatworm, Ilona; Frog, Rafferty Xenophon; Kangaroo, Sheila; Lisko, Hennika; Minnow, Agnes Thérèse; Musling, Ingeborg; Newt, Aldert Filippus; Ostrich, Oliver Lionel (Ollie); Otter, Aednat; Otter, Oscar Rinaldo; Possum, Prunella; Python, Zaiman Fabienne; Roadrunner, Reva; Rotta, Hali Götilda; Salamander, Ailukka; Sargo, Uwe; Scorpion, Gordon Anthony; Seahorse, Mannfred Otto; Shark, Bertrand; Shrike, Viðólfur; Starfish, Sofia Triinu; Tanager, Kornelia; Toad, Esmerelda; Tortuga, Monserrat; Wahoo, Oktaviana; Wallaby, Harrison Xavier; Zeteki, Bogden
