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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2014—Weather Office to Polar Bear Poetry Picnickers: prepare for a soggy bottom

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Varied weatherThe Park Weather Office has issued a warning to those who plan to attend this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: prepare for a soggy bottom.

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with record amounts of precipitation and a delayed thaw, have conspired to leave The Park a mushy mess,” the PWO said in a press statement released this morning.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, at a press conference today.

“Last year, with all the protests in The Park, we thought we’d have to protect ourselves. This year, it looks like it’s the poetry we’ll have to protect — from the elements,” he laughed.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving his second year of a three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by the weather.

“We have a group of wonderful poets lined up and a wonderful audience. My guess is they won’t give the weather a second thought,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Conspiracy theory or fact? Developers blame app failures on weather makers

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squirrel-with-gpsThe Park’s technology companies have launched the latest salvo in their ongoing war with weather makers and food growers.

In a full-page statement published today in most major newspapers, SINCAP and GVC De-Techt, two of The Park’s largest technology companies, accused the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) of manipulating the weather so as to render their food apps unreliable.

According to the statement, over the past two weeks, the food apps known as Bulb Beacon and TulipTracker have been unable to determine accurately the location of Spring bulbs. Their makers claim the WMPSAP deliberately purchased weather last year so as to undermine the reliability of their products and the trust of the companies’ customers.

“It is our belief that the members of the WMPSAP took it upon themselves to purchase weather for late Winter/early Spring that would confound our food-finding applications and thus undermine our business,” says the statement which is signed by SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava and GVC De-Techt CEO R.A. Vole.

The statement goes on to accuse the WMPSAP of colluding with the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) to bring down the technology that both groups feel is a threat to their existence.

“It appears that our inability to come to an agreement regarding our rôles in the production and procurement of food in The Park has led both these groups to take aggressive action against us. We call on them to cease this illegal activity immediately,” the statement concludes.

Neither the WMPSAP nor the SCPCPGF has responded to the statement.

Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site TikTekTok, says both companies have been “swamped” by complaints from customers who purchased the apps last year.

“Most of the complaints are that the apps have turned up nothing,” Tapir says. “But some are more concerning, in that purchasers have been led astray, into some dangerous areas outside The Park. Whatever the cause, these problems need to be addressed immediately.”

OTD in 2015—Interspecial strife casts shadow over Centre’s first anniversary celebration

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As the Centre for Interspecial Harmony (CIH) prepares to mark its first anniversary, the shadow cast by the rise in interspecial crime threatens to mar the celebration.

“It’s very worrying that this type of crime is growing, rather than receding,” said Dewi Rhinoceros, the Chair of the Centre’s Board of Directors, in an interview this afternoon.

The former Chief Archon, who was the force behind the establishment of the Centre, said she had hoped that we would be seeing a decrease in the number of incidents this far into zoocracy.

‘We know that economic stress aggravates every aspect of our life here in The Park and things have been very challenging, economically speaking, over the last few years. But I don’t think we’ve yet discovered what makes Animals actually turn on each other when in crisis. That is something that we are still trying to determine,” she said.

The Centre, which has as its mission the fostering of harmony among all species in The Park, runs educational programmes, hosts events, and funds research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.

The Rhinoceros said the Centre is currently funding one research project at UWT’s Department of Interspecial Studies, which is part of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science. Researchers there are studying the effects of interspecial tension on second and third generation Park citizens.

“We’re hoping that studying Animals who were born in The Park and who grew up with the values of interspecial harmony will lead us to a fuller understanding of why those values are being abandoned so frequently these days,” she said.

OTD in 2014—Pop-up clinics for hibernators and estivators to open this year: DWBS

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Pop-up ClinicsThe Park will open a number of pop-up clinics for the benefit of hibernators and estivators, the Department of Well-Being and Safety announced today.

At a press conference held this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed that at least five clinics for estivators will open, beginning on May 15. Although the locations have not yet been established, Kakapo said they will be “strategically placed throughout The Park” in order to allow all Animals to avail themselves of the services the clinics will provide.

“Studies have shown that pre-hibernation and pre-estivation check-ups are of tremendous benefit. We want to encourage all our hibernators and estivators to take advantage of these new state-of-the-art facilities,” Kakapo said.

The clinics will be staffed by professionals from The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, as well as by private practitioners.

OTD in 2016—Police, DWBS confirm Humans took photos of Park Animals in hibernation

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Hibernating AnimalPark Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) confirmed today that a group of Humans was responsible for taking and distributing photos showing Park Animals in various stages of hibernation.

At a joint press briefing this morning, Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations and Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crime Unit (SHCU) revealed the findings of their investigation.

“We are here to confirm that through extensive investigation we have determined that a group of Humans was responsible for the cache of photos in question that was distributed via the internet in January,” Addax said.

The photos, which Police confirmed were taken by cameras installed secretly in hibernators’ burrows, were posted serially, at the rate of approximately one every half-hour, on January 23. They appeared simultaneously on an internet site run by Humans and on The Park’s gossip web site, headsNtales.

Police also confirmed that they had questioned the gossip site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo. They did not say what they learned from Guacamayo, nor whether she and her co-founder would be charged for posting the photos. The name of the Humans’ web site has not been revealed.

Although police took no questions at the briefing, Kakapo was able to confirm rumours that the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) had been deployed during the investigation.

OTD in 2017—Park Museum to celebrate zoocracy’s 35th year with travelling exhibition

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If you can’t make it to The Park Museum this year, worry not.

The museum’s Board of Governors announced today that it plans to revive its travelling exhibition, this time in honour of zoocracy’s thirty-fifth anniversary.

At a press conference this morning, Sukuta Rhinoceros announced the new travelling show which, she said, will display “relevant” samples of the museum’s holdings on a number of themes.

Rhinoceros, who is a member of Board of Governors and is one of the museum’s founders, said the travelling exhibition would make several tours of The Park throughout the year, starting in April.

“We are thrilled to be able to celebrate the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy in this fashion,” Rhinoceros said, on behalf of the board. “It enables us to meet our commitment to inclusivity and to encourage interspecial harmony through education.”

The Zoocracy 35 Travelling Exhibition will be sponsored by the Founding Families Financial Corporation.

The museum’s full announcement can be read here.

OTD in 2014—”Human values” not an oxymoronic term: Noreen

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Official Noreen“Human values” is not an oxymoronic term.

So says Noreen in her first academic article, due to be published in the May issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

In the article, which is entitled, “Not Just Skin Deep: On Human Belief Systems and Motivations,” the Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and Mammalian Daily advice columnist shares new insights into Humans’ belief systems and the determinants of Human behaviour.

“Some of what I have learned will surprise Park Animals,” she says. “Many of the values and mores that in the past we have attributed only to ourselves have been shown to exist in Humans as well.”

For example, Noreen contends, while Human behaviour may appear random to us, it is more often than not the result of ideas and beliefs that are widely held among members of the species. 

“And these ideas and beliefs are often founded in a kind of morality. We may not recognize it, but very often Humans are trying to do what they believe is the best thing,” she writes.

OTD in 2013—Otter Ice Slide in jeopardy as victim released from hospital

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The future of the Otter Ice Slide hangs in the balance, as representatives of The Park Weather Office meet tomorrow with the 2013 Archons, Park Finance Officers, and officials from the Department of Well-Being and Safety to discuss the coming year’s budget and planned allocations for weather purchases.

The special meeting will occur just four days after the release from hospital of Boldizsar Vidra, whose tragic accident on the Ice Slide in early January forced the shutdown of that recreational facility for the remainder of the season.

Vidra faces a long convalescence but is expected to make a full recovery, according to a statement released by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. But the Ice Slide may never be deemed safe to reopen, after a DWBS investigation found that weather conditions in The Park for the past few Winters have failed to meet the standards for maintaining natural ice surfaces.

“The past few years have seen increasingly warm temperatures in The Park, which we believe are due to budget cutbacks and the misallocation of funds. These funds, which should be going to purchase weather, are being used instead for celebrations and other frivolous things,” said a spokesAnimal for the PWO. “If the Park Finance Office doesn’t get its priorities straight, the residents of The Park will end up paying dearly for their [the PFO’s] mistakes,” the spokesAnimal said.

Winter weather has become increasingly expensive, experts believe, because there is much less of it available now.

“In the old days, it was the cheapest weather we could buy and we bought lots of it,” said the PWO spokesAnimal. “We had some Winters that lasted from October to May. But the price has become prohibitive and the PFO has become stingier and we see the results of that — not just our poor Otter or the loss of our popular Ice Slide, but the rise in deaths from premature awakening, food shortages due to drought, and the increase in domicile destruction,” the spokesAnimal said.

Tomorrow’s meeting will be a historic one, as it marks the first time the Park Finance Office has agreed to sit down with the Park Weather Office to discuss funding decisions. The results of the meeting may not be made public until July, however, when the PFO releases its annual budget.

See also: Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change

OTD in 2012—Majority of Park Animals home-schooled: study

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The majority of Park Animals receive their basic education at home, according to the results of a study completed last year.

The study, which was commissioned by the 2011 Archons in conjunction with the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), was conducted by researchers at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier.

The results of the study, published yesterday in the academic quarterly, Journal of Education Theory and Experience (JETE), indicate that a very small minority of Animals take advantage of any of the educational opportunities offered free of charge by The Park.

“This is an area of great concern to us,” said head researcher Domoina Fossa. “Over the past few years, we have witnessed an increase in interspecial crime and particularly violent crime. We believe this could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an earlier point in their lives.”

According to renowned Park historian, Beatrice Zilonis, currently a professor in the Department of History at UWT, the impetus for developing The Park’s educational resources was exactly that idea:

“Interspecial harmony is one of the guiding principles of zoocracy. It was one of Jor’s [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy] core beliefs that we must foster interspecial harmony through Animals’ knowledge of and friendship with different species,” says Zilonis.

Many in The Park believe that basic education for Animals has been neglected and that institutions of higher learning have received a disproportionate amount of attention and resources in recent years.

“We will have to attend to this unbalanced situation if we want to avoid serious problems in the future,” says researcher Fossa.

OTD in 2012—Park’s grooming houses to fund new School of Aesthetics

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The Park’s grooming houses announced today that they are banding together to fund an independent school dedicated to the teaching of aesthetics. The school, which is as yet unnamed, will be the first of its kind in The Park and will offer a certificate to those who complete its two-year programme.

The announcement was made this afternoon, when representatives of The Park’s five leading grooming houses gathered at The Pluming Room to outline their vision of a school that teaches multi-special grooming techniques, skin and hair care, and hygiene, “as well as the beautification techniques that have become so popular lately, such as Featherrection™.”

“There is a gap in The Park’s educational system, and we are looking to fill it,” said Elspeth Rinder, who holds a specialist certificate in Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease and practises at Amoltrud’s Aesthetics on a part-time basis.

The grooming houses, which together employ more than 300 practitioners of aesthetics and their assistants, say they have had trouble finding qualified staff and not one of their current employees trained at a school inside The Park.

“This is nothing short of embarrassing,” said Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, The Park’s oldest grooming house.

“I think that, as a Park, we are mature enough now to educate our own groomers.”

Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage said that funding for the school will come “directly from our collective revenue” and that, initially, the school will be staffed by the grooming houses.

“In the beginning, all the instructors will be in active practice at our establishments. They will not receive any pay for their duties at the school, but their hours of work at the grooming houses will be reduced to accommodate their new responsibilities,” she said.

In addition, the school will invite guest instructors from outside The Park to teach classes and give demonstrations.

“Breadth of experience and technique is extremely important and we aim to provide a well-rounded education in the aesthetic arts,” Tallulah said.

Although a location for the school has yet to be determined, the founders are confident they will be ready to welcome their first class of students in the Autumn of 2013.

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