The Mammalian Daily

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Archives for May 2016

University of West Terrier announces Commencement Day speaker

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UWT COATHermione Hippo will deliver the 2016 commencement address at the University of West Terrier on June 1, it was announced today.

The President and Governors of the University made the announcement on the UWT web site this morning.

A spokesAnimal for the university said they were “deeply touched” that Hermione was willing to give of her time to address the school’s graduating students.

“She is a very busy professional and academic and even though she was our first choice for 2016, we realized she may not have the time to prepare a speech. But, true to her nature, Hermione dove in and tackled the job with her usual gusto. We very much look forward to hearing her speak on Wednesday.”

The assistant professor in the UWT School of Medicine and head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm is expected to speak on the topic of nutrition and mental health.

Read the full announcement, along with a short biography of Hermione Hippo, here.

Tabby Club accused of discrimination

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The Tabby ClubTabby Club proprietor Tab Tricolore is calling accusations of discrimination against his pub “ridiculous” and vowed today to maintain what he calls the “integrity” of his establishment.

The accusations were made Wednesday by Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. According to Tavros, he asked Tricolore in person to allow him to enter The Tabby Club, but Tricolore refused.

Tricolore does not deny that he refused entry to Tavros, nor does he regret it. Instead, he says, he stands by his decision, despite the #BullintheTabbyClub campaign that Tavros began today on Twitter.

“I don’t know what Tavros is up to. Maybe his ratings are down or maybe he’s simply bored. I don’t know what game he’s playing, but it is a game and it has no place in a serious Park,” Tricolore said on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The Tabby Club was established as a striped-only pub by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoorcacy. Jor said that he opened it as a Tabbies-only pub because, at that time, Tabbies couldn’t get a drink or a meal at any other establishment in The Park. The pub’s employees kept it afloat for years after Jor’s death, until Tricolore assumed ownership in 2010. promising to keep the employees and the pub as it was.

Tricolore said today that he stands by that promise and by what he said in a 2013 interview with The Mammalian Daily:

“I’m not against keeping it exclusive for a while, just to remind us that this Park is a work in progress. We’re not finished, by any means. And The Tabby Club kind of proves that.”

Memes of Production seize the Jubilee—and the day

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Memes of Production

Spellbinding: Memes of Production play their hit song, “Carpe Diem” at Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

Can it be only a week ago that the Memes of Production took over the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee and made it their own?

How many of us thought the annual Spring event would wither and die without Eggie and the Pigs as the opening act, and the stars of the day— The Park’s farmers— nowhere to be seen?

Yet, in stepped this group of musicians whose recordings, all told, number four. Yes, four, all of which the group, itself, recorded. Under most circumstances, these Animals would never be invited to such an important event.

But they stepped in, where other musicians refused to tread. And, for good reason, it must be said. Still, the Memes went to great pains to clarify their position: they were there simply as musicians, having been asked by the Jubilee’s chief organizer Miriam Wapiti, to “save the day.”

But the Memes did much more than that. As their signature song says, they seized the day. By interspersing covers of some of The Park’s best—and least political— songs with riffs on their own, including “Sign of the Thymes: An Herbal Tick,” the group managed to keep attendees enthralled and the Jubilee, well, jubilant.

Kudos to the Memes, whose success and ability did not go unnoticed, either by Park citizens or by its record companies. Rumour has it that Hoofer Records, who signed The Beasts of Burden well over a decade ago, has offered them their first recording contract.

Designs by Holstein fashion show will highlight perils of domestication

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Holstein FashionDesigns by Holstein announced today that it will host a fashion show during The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

At a press event this morning, company president and CEO Balbina Ko confirmed that she had been in talks for the past year with the Archons, the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations about her company’s participation in the event.

“They were enthusiastic but didn’t at first understand how our company could fit in with their theme,” she admitted.

Ko assured them the show would not be an advertisement for her business but would, instead, highlight the perils of domestication for all Animals.

“We put our company’s best and most forward-thinking designers on this project and none of the items in the show is for sale. That was a decision we made in August,” Ko said, even though plans for their participation were only finalized in March.

“As you can see, we are optimists,” Ko laughed. “And we are honoured to be able to share that optimism with the rest of The Park during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.”

The fashion show will run twice during the month-long awareness event. And while the show will be free of charge, Ko said said she hopes all attendees will consider making a donation to EQUALSS, the charity established by Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein. EQUALSS supports the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park.

Just For a Lark: Groomer offers non-Avians feathery makeovers for Fowl Ball

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FEATHERSOne of The Park’s premier grooming houses is offering non-Avians a way to live their feathered fantasies while doing good for The Park’s winged population.

Calling it, “Just For a Lark,” The Pluming Room is offering Fowl Ball ticket holders a “full feathery makeover” for the event.

“Just stop by the shop and show us your ticket to the Ball. We’ll book you an appointment for the big day, do you up with feathers in whatever colour you fancy, and send you on your way,” says Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner.

Although his shop is known for its proprietary Featherrection™ service and over ninety per cent of his clients are Avians, Pagun says he has groomed many other kinds of Animals and he knows that many of them, particularly Mammals, fantasize about having feathers.

“It’s perfectly natural to want what others have, particularly when it’s so beautiful,” he says.

It’s also perfectly natural that Pagun wants to give back to those who come out to support his community.

” ‘Just For a Lark’ means more to me than just grooming some Animals for a party. It means that I can help them be who they want to be, at least for a few hours. It’s my way of thanking them for what they do for us.”

Month Without Metaphor organizer: “We’re losing ground, minute by minute.”

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MonthWMThe chief organizer of the third annual Month Without Metaphor says we’re losing ground in the fight against the unncessary embellishment of the news.

“Plain speaking is disappearing and not bit by bit, but minute by minute,” says Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the initiative’s founders.

In an interview with The Mammalian Daily, Tinamou quoted statistics that he says indicate the market for what he calls “the plain, unembellished truth” has diminished substantially over the past five years.

“Journalism has given way to storytelling and it’s a slippery slope from there,” he opined. “We’re no longer reporting on an event or situation; we’re taking readers on a journey for their entertainment rather adding to their knowledge or understanding,” he said.

Tinamou contends that the problem started innocently enough, when journalists were told to broaden their reports from “just the facts” to historical, sociological, and psychological context.

“It started with context and the idea that those who work in the media could bring readers and listeners a better understanding of what was going on in The Park and in the world outside The Park,” he said. “But, somehow, that devolved into embellishment and fictionalizing,”

Tinamou said metaphors are just one aspect of the problem, but they were something that he felt could be easily targeted.

“I thought we’d start with reducing metaphors and move on from there. But we seem to be stuck in this style of writing. I don’t think new journalists know any other way,” he said.

Typos rule: Moth new face of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

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Enforced Domestication Moth

It’s official: Nicoletta Moth becomes Enforced Domestication Awareness Month Ambassador

First, it was the missing letter in “Beasts” that turned the annual charity music festival into the “Beats of Burden.” Then, it was the Does of Peace, The Park’s newest peacekeeping group and 2015 Mammalian Daily Animals of the Year.

Now, the organizers of June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) have named the campaign’s first official ambassador. And she’s a Moth.

“We couldn’t believe it happened again,” Hercule Parrot told The Mammalian Daily yesterday.

The 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award winner and part-time mentor at BirdBrains, The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, joined the campaign’s organizing committee just this year. And it was his responsibility to find an ambassador for the month-long campaign.

“Don’t get me wrong. I was in no way disappointed in those who applied nor in our final choice. In fact, I wish I had thought of it myself. Moths are, of course, a species that suffers enforced domestication and exploitation and they’ve been underrepresented in our campaign and I’m sorry for that. But, of course, I was puzzled at first by the applications we received, until I took a look at our advertisement. And there it was: Moth instead of Month.”

After interviewing what Parrot calls an “amazing” number of Moths, he settled on one he says “stood out among the rest in terms of intelligence, talent, and commitment.” And her name is Nicoletta Moth.

A comedian and Animal impersonator, Moth’s most recent gig was at The Howler, where she performed for a packed house.

“I was there,” Parrot said, admitting that as an imitator himself, he wanted to see what another species could do.

“She was amazing, particularly as a Tarantula. Her Wasp is better known, but her Tarantula and Praying Mantis are to die for,” he said.

Moth will be putting her performing career on hold for the month of June this year and each year for the next three.

“We feel extremely grateful that she accepted our offer,” Parrot says. “She’ll do a world of good for enforced domestication awareness.”

Park Museum confirms basketball theft

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Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals

The basketball seen above was stolen from The Park Museum last night, police say

BREAKING NEWS

The basketball that belongs to Mammalian Daily sports columnist and balls specialist Bailey has disappeared from The Park Museum.

The ball—seen in the middle at the top of the display at left— was lent to the museum by Bailey and formed an important part of the “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals” exhibit, which opened on May 8.

In a joint statement released early this morning, the museum and Park Police confirmed the overnight burglary.

“We regret to inform the public that The Park Museum will be closed today, as a result of an overnight burglary. Park Police will be on site for the duration of the day, gathering evidence and speaking to witnesses. Any Animal who has any knowledge of this crime or who saw anything suspicious in the area surrounding the museum yesterday afternoon, evening, or overnight, should contact Park Police right away,” the statement said.

All lands around the museum have been cordoned off for the investigation. A spokesAnimal for the police said they hoped to recover the ball as soon as possible.

“The first few hours are crucial and although the crime was not discovered until very early this morning, we are hopeful that we’ll be able to recover the ball intact today,” she said.

Beasts of Burden surprise farmers, tech companies with offer of pub for meeting

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The DraftThe Beasts of Burden have offered their pub, The Draft, as the venue for a meeting—or a series of meetings—of The Park’s farmers and technology companies. And they’re hoping their offer is one the two warring groups will not refuse.

The wildly popular band made the offer through their manager, Ignatius Herder, on the Yannis Tavros radio show yesterday afternoon.

It was as much of a surprise to him, Herder said, as it was to Tavros. Herder, a guest on the show, was discussing the rôle of music in The Park when he received a text message from the group announcing their offer of the pub.

“We heard Ignatius talking about music and its rôle in subduing dissent and in peacekeeping and it suddenly occurred to us, ‘He’s talking about us!'” said lead signer Alfredo Ox.

Not that the singers have appointed themselves peacekeepers.

“We’re nothing of the sort,” snorted Ox in an interview with The Mammalian Daily this morning. “We’re much better known for stirring up trouble. But this is an important issue and it can only be resolved by the parties involved. We thought, we’ve got a place for them where they can fight it out and maybe come to an agreement. It’s the least we can do,” he said.

As of the publication of this article, however, there has been no response to the offer either by the farmers or the technology companies.

Eggie and The Pigs, Weather Makers pull out of Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie of Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie and The Pigs will not be opening Friday’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In an announcement posted on the group’s web site, Eggie said the group did not feel it could perform at the event due to the tension between The Park’s farmers and technology companies.

“Our farmers are our most precious resource. We cannot, in all conscience, perform at an event that celebrates the beginning of the growing season if our farmers are not there. That would be an act of disrespect,” he said.

On Monday, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) said its members would not attend the Jubilee unless technology companies agreed to meet with its members to discuss the production and distribution of food-finding apps. Thus far, no technology company has made any move to do so.

In a separate announcement, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), said that her members had scheduled a vote for tonight to decide whether or not to attend the event.

Jubilee chief organizer Miriam Wapiti said on Tuesday that the event would go on as scheduled, no matter what the various groups decided.

“The Jubilee does not depend on any one group. It’s a celebration of Spring and renewal that we hope all Park Animals will take part in,” she said.

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