The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for June 2016

Following in the Barkettes’ footsteps: Belles and Whistles make their debut tonight at Concert for Charity

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Belles and Whistles

Belles and Whistles will make their debut at tonight’s Charity Concert

The best kept secret in The Park is a secret no more.

Belles and Whistles, the duo that Thisbe and the Barkettes have been mentoring privately for over a year, will make their debut tonight at the Concert for Charity in honour of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).[pullquote]This is a very emotional night for us. We are so proud of Belles and Whistles. Working with them has been one of the greatest pleasures of our career and we wish them every success.”—Thisbe and the Barkettes [/pullquote]

At a press event this morning, EDAM Official Ambassador Nicoletta Moth confirmed the lineup for the concert, then added, “We are thrilled to announce that, in addition to the aforementioned musicians and singers, we have the honour of introducing for the first time the brand new singing duo, Belles and Whistles.”

Minutes later, Thisbe and the Barkettes posted a picture of the seven singers with a note that read, “This is a very emotional night for us. We are so proud of Belles and Whistles and the work they will embark on this evening. Working with them has been one of the greatest pleasures of our career and we wish them every success. And as we step back from the stage, we once again would like to thank our fans for all the support they’ve shown us over many years. We’re certain you will adore Belles and Whistles and we hope to see you soon at one of their concerts.”

The Barkettes also thanked Canine Music Association president R.F. Aarrf for helping them keep their secret and for delaying the announcement of their CMA certification.

Tonight’s concert at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre will begin at eight o’clock.

Tavros-Tricolore war escalates as chef bars radio host from PurrBoy Café

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PurrBoy Logo (1)The war of words and deeds between Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros and celebrity chef Tab Tricolore continued today, with the news that the chef has officially barred Tavros from attending Thursday’s Charity Concert After-Party at his PurrBoy Café.

“I won’t let him in the door. I refuse to look at his face,” Tricolore said in a television interview this morning.

The problems between the two began a month ago, when Tavros publicly accused Tricolore of discrimination because he does not allow non-striped Animals at The Tabby Club. Tricolore responded by saying that Tavros was “all bluster” and he ignored his repeated calls to be allowed into the club, which was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

But things turned nasty after Tricolore announced he would introduce his new drink, the “Liberation Libation,” at the Chitter Radio Literary Awards. Tricolore served the drink free of charge to Awards attendees but, as many chefs do, he kept the ingredients and the recipe a secret. Tavros then threatened to publicly “deconstruct” the drink, which he did with the aid of a drinks expert whom he invited to his show. For the past few days, Tavros has been tweeting the drink’s ingredients. And that was the last straw, according to those close to Tricolore.

“Tab can take a lot of personal criticism, but when it comes to his cooking or his business, he lays down the law,” says Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “I’m not at all surprised that he’s barred Tavros from the PurrBoy.”

DWBS to Archons, PFO: Increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

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Animal Aid RaccoonAs Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) draws to a close, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has embarked on a new campaign to encourage the Archons and the Park Finance Office to allocate more funding to aid immigrants and the survivors of domestication.

In an open letter to the Archons and to PFO head Valentina Abeja, the DWBS cited alarming statistics that suggest that The Park may soon be home to many tens of thousands of Animals who have either escaped enforced domestication or found themselves homeless after the closing of a number of Human-run zoological parks.

“It is imperative that we prepare for this incoming wave of desperate Animals. It is our duty to ensure their safety and security,” the letter states.

The DWBS says there is plenty of time to increase funding for aid, since the 2017 budget likely will not be finalized until late August.

While not openly criticizing Abeja for her first budget, the DWBS suggested the PFO head take a “deeper and broader” look at The Park’s population and at circumstances outside The Park.

“Last year’s budget allocated a mere four percent to immigration and refugee support. This was, at the very least, somewhat naïve and short-sighted,” the letter says.

The DWBS has acknowledged the upcoming meeting of the Archons and the PFO head, which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

“It is our hope that this item will be first on their agenda,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

Farmers, weather makers, tech company reps agree to summit at The Draft

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Draft with borderBRAKING NEWS

In a surprise move, The Park’s farmers and weather makers and the representatives of some technology companies have agreed to sit down together at The Draft pub and discuss their positions and mutual goals.

In a carefully worded statement released this morning, the three groups acknowledged the assistance in this effort of The Beasts of Burden, who own The Draft, and said they were “cautiously optimistic” that they could come to an agreement that would benefit all residents of The Park.

The series of meetings will begin next month. In a simultaneous statement, The Beasts of Burden announced that their pub will be closed every Tuesday and Thursday in July to accommodate what is now being called, “The Draft Summit.”

The main issue under discussion will be the effect of technology on The Park’s food supply. The issue came to a head in early Spring, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained that through their food-finding apps, technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The SCPCPGF believes that this will negatively affect the “natural pacing” of food finding and will lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages. At one point, they called on technology companies to stop producing their apps until the issue was resolved.

Not surprisingly, technology company representatives disagreed with the SCPCPGF’s assertion and refused to shut down production. They maintain their products enhance the food-finding experience, reduce stress, and save Animals a significant amount of time.

According to today’s statement, the first item of business will be to agree on an agenda. That agenda-setting meeting will take place on July 5.

Central Bank issues annual reminder to Park’s estivators

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Central Bank of The Park

Pre-estivation deposits must be made by June 28

The Central Bank of The Park issued its annual reminder today, telling all Park residents who intend to estivate this Summer that they should make the final deposits to their accounts by June 28.

According to a Central Bank spokesAnimal, many Park banks have reported that deposits are down from this time last year. Animals may be waiting until the last minute to make their pre-estivation deposits in the hope that interest rates will rise, he says. But that is unlikely to happen.

“The Park Finance Office has been keeping an eye on pre-dormancy and dormancy interest rates for the past year and banks now appear to be towing the line,” he said.

Still, the Central Bank advises estivators to be vigilant and not believe advertisements for artificially high interest rates. If it looks to good to be true, the Bank says, it probably is.

Uzoma Serval, author of BankWoe, agrees.

“There is a painful downside to these extremely high rates,” Serval says. “When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They discover they’ve signed away that right, without even knowing it. And their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more.”

Estivation officially begins on Wednesday, June 29. The Central Bank of The Park will be closed on Thursday, June 30 for its mid-year tally.

Whoa! BRAKING News: What’s in our new section will stop you in your tracks

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Braking News

Searching for news that will stop you in your tracks? Just look for this symbol.

INTRODUCING…BRAKING News

At The Mammalian Daily, we’re always looking for ways to improve our readers’ experience. We want to make it easier and faster for you stay informed, particularly about issues that affect you directly. And we want to bring these items to your attention as soon as we can.

So, we’ve created a new section on our web site, which we’re calling Whoa! BRAKING News. Starting next week, you’ll be able to go straight to it to find the information that is most important to you. Whether it’s about safety, security, health, or economic issues, you’ll be able to find it in Whoa! BRAKING News.

But we’re not stopping at our web site. We know our readers lead busy lives and they may not be on our site all the time. So, on our Facebook page and on our  Twitter feed, all items that fall into the category of BRAKING News will be marked by a miniature version of the symbol above. When you see that symbol, you’ll know that we consider the information in the attached article to be important to you.

We’re confident that you’ll find our new section a great asset but, of course, it’s still a work-in-progress. If you have your own ideas about what might constitute a BRAKING News story, feel free to get in touch and let us know. In the meantime, we look forward to providing you with news that will stop you in your tracks.

Holstein Fashion adds third show to EDAM lineup

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Holstein Fashion Show for EDAM Holstein Fashion announced today that the company will add a third fashion show to the lineup of events for Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

At a press gathering this morning, company president Balbina Ko told reporters the first show on June 10 was so successful that they decided to add a third one on June 24. The next show is scheduled for Wednesday, June 22.

“It was hovering-room only, and at a venue as big as the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, that’s surprising,” Ko said. “We were overwhelmed, not only by the positive response to our initiative but by the support of our charity, EQUALSS.”

The fashion show, which is meant to highlight the perils of domestication, is free of charge but the company is accepting donations to its charity EQUALSS at the theatre’s entrance. The charity, which was established in April of 2015, supports the full equality of striped and spotted Animals in The Park.

None of the original designs in the fashion show are for sale, but Ko was asked during the press gathering whether the company has considered auctioning them off for their charity.

“That hasn’t been discussed, but it’s a good idea. I’ll take it under advisement,” she said.

Alvin Tinamou’s nest reported missing

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Tinamou nest

The nest of Alvin Tinamou and his current mate Adela disappeared with eggs inside

DEVELOPING STORY

Park Police have been called in to search for the nest of Alvin Tinamou.

The publisher of The Avian Messenger and organizer of May’s annual Month Without Metaphor reported the nest missing early this afternoon.

“He said he walked off for a few minutes and when he returned, the nest and its eggs were gone,” said a spokesAnimal for the police.

Tinamou positioned the nest close to the offices of The Avian Messenger, a friend told The Mammalian Daily. The three blue eggs inside belonged to his last mate, Adela, who left about a week ago. Park Police said they intend to question her but she is not a suspect at the moment.

According to his friend, Tinamou is “distraught” and blames himself.

“This was the last thing he ever thought would happen. He’s questioning himself and his abilities as a mate. And he doesn’t know if Adela will ever speak to him again,” the friend said.

According to the police report, the nest went missing at approximately one o’clock this afternoon. Any Animal who was in the vicinity or who saw anything suspicious should call police immediately.

“Diary of a Domestic Dog” favoured to win fiction prize at tomorrow’s awards

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Chitter Radio Literary Awards take place on June 15

Natalia Barboncina’s penetrating and intelligent account of life as a Domestic Canine is favoured to win at this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

The strange thing is, that award will be for fiction.

Originally published by Kynikos Press under the title, Another Day, the book has leapt off the shelves in recent months. And it’s found an enorormously diverse audience, made up of species that some say are the least likely ever to experience domesticity.

Indeed, the author herself has spoken of her astonishment at the number of readers of species other than Canine who’ve written letters to her, posted on her web site, and attended her pawprintings. Just last month at The Literary Apothecary, the lineup to meet Barboncina was made up of fifty-five different species, according to proprietor Wyuna Winkle.

“Something about that book resonates with all Animals, despite the fact that it’s about a particular species in a particular circumstance,” Winkle says.

Barboncina credits Noreen with bringing her to some of the insights that are expressed by the main character in her book. She says that while she was in the process of writing the book, she and The Mammalian Daily advice columnist had a “series of conversations” about Humans that “opened her mind to the emotional reality of Domestic Canine life.”

“When I started the book, I saw it all in the abstract. But, after talking to Noreen, I was able to put myself in the position of my main character and to actually feel and authentically describe what she experiences,” Barboncina says.

Indeed, “authentic” is a word that has been used in many of the reviews of the book. And it was that authenticity that drew domestication survivor and 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award winner Hercule Parrot to the work and moved him to write a blurb for the retitled book’s cover.

“Natalia Barboncina writes with great depth of meaning and describes the full spectrum of emotions experienced by the domesticated Animal. This book is a true work of art,” Parrot wrote.

Barboncina and her fellow nominees will attend the Chitter Radio Literary Awards tomorrow at The Park Repertory Theatre.

Tab to take on Tavros with launch of “Liberation Libation” at literary awards

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Tab Tricolore

Chef Tab Tricolore

Never one to back down from a fight, celebrity chef and award-winning author Tab Tricolore  has announced that he plans to use Wednesday’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards to take down his latest enemy, Yannis Tavros.

Tavros, who last month accused Tricolore of discriminating against the non-striped at his pub, The Tabby Club, launched his #BullintheTabbyClub campaign in earnest last week when he encouraged his listeners and Twitter followers to boycott Tricolore’s restaurants. Instead, he told them to follow him to Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station.

Tricolore did not respond immediately to the challenge. But today he announced that he would be serving his newest creation, the #LiberationLibation, to all attendees at Wednesday’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

“It’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. Come and see what real freedom tastes like—not the kind that Tavros is serving up on the radio,” Tricolore posted in an online open invitation.

The popular chef, who won two Chitter Radio Literary Awards in 2013 for his cookbook, The Feral Roots of Our Festive Cuisine, is reportedly “incensed” that Tavros accused him of discrimination.

“Tab was born to a feral mother and experienced the kind of discrimination that Yannis Tavros can’t even imagine,” says Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “It wasn’t even his idea for The Tabby Club to be an all-striped pub. It was the original owner’s— who, by the way, was The Park’s first leader.”

Burmilla describes Tab as a “tough but fair” boss who “absolutely believes” in the equality of all species.

“About that, he’s never had a second thought,” says Burmilla.

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New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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