The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for July 2016

Park Museum’s EDAM Gala sells out

By

GALA TICKET final

If you were thinking of buying a ticket to tonight’s gala celebration of Holstein Fashion’s EDAM Collection, The Park Museum has some bad news for you: the event has sold out.

The Board of Governors made the announcement on the museum’s web site yesterday. But if you still have your heart set on attending, you have one last chance to obtain a ticket: according to the web announcement, any returned tickets will be sold at the museum’s entrance at 6:00 p.m. The event begins at 8:00 p.m.

Read the full announcement here.

EDAM statistics show how economy affects Animals’ view of domestication

By

EDAM statsIt’s been almost a month since Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) wrapped up and the statistics are now in.

In a short statement that accompanied their release this morning, the Departments of Well-Being and Safety and Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations expressed their “heartfelt gratitude to all who participated in the event, and especially to those who worked tirelessly to make it the most comprehensive and inclusive EDAM so far.”

According to the statistics, attendance at the event was up by twenty-seven per cent, with attendee satisfaction at an all-time high.

But there is one statistic that is alarming: thirty-eight per cent of Animals who answered the exit survey said they thought domestication wasn’t always a bad thing. That number is up significantly from last year’s twenty-two per cent and experts believe it reflects our economic struggles.

“Animals are tired,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic. “I think we underestimate the work that is involved in zoocracy and the toll that looking after ourselves takes.”

Dr. Gibbon says it’s “only natural” that the fantasy of domestication would, from time to time, appeal to Park Animals.

“They have a fairytale view of the domestic world, replete with an abundance of food, cozy beds, and non-stop playtime. That’s the view that Humans have given us but it isn’t the reality,” she says.

Despite domesticity’s occasional appeal, Dr. Gibbon doesn’t believe Park Animals would either seek it out or allow themselves to be domesticated.

“Park Animals are smarter than that. I have faith in Park Animals,” she says.

Did DWBS Summer safety alert come too late for some?

By

Beware of small Humans: DWBS warning came too late for some

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has come under heavy criticism for issuing its Summer security alert too late.

Yesterday’s alert, which is only the second Summer alert ever issued, warned Park Animals to be vigilant around Humans vacationing in The Park.

According to the DWBS communiqué, Park Animals should deal with Humans in a “professional” manner, refrain from befriending Human children, refuse all invitations to enter vehicles, and refuse any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.

“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during their time off work and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” the DWBS warned.

The alert is comprehensive. But critics say the delay in issuing it has cost some Animals their security and perhaps, in some cases, their lives.

“This alert should have been issued a month ago, at least. Six weeks ago would have been perfect,” says Delma Falter of The Park’s Missing Animals Registry.

Falter says that this Summer, she’s had the “very sad task” of adding names to the Registry.

“It’s a difficult thing to do. I deal with families reporting their friends, their mates, their young, missing. We try to give them hope, but the truth is many of them will never be found. And this Summer, the numbers have grown to the point where I would call it a crisis,” she said.

Other frontline workers agree.

Arrosa Katu of the Feral Cat Helpline says she and other volunteers have seen a record number of calls this year.

“I would say roughly four hundred per cent more, and during many of those calls, I’ve had to tell families to call the Missing Animals Registry,” she says.

Katu and Falter say much of this could have been avoided.

“The DWBS made a big mistake in waiting so long to issue the alert. Many of us would call it a fatal error,” says Falter.

Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427

Coalition calls emergency meeting at Cackling Goose to discuss budget

By

Cackling Goose TavernBREAKING NEWS

A coalition of groups whose interests range from weather, food production, education, and healthcare to business and technology has called an emergency meeting tonight at The Cackling Goose Tavern to discuss key elements of The Park’s upcoming budget.

The coalition’s members hail from a number of the Park’s citizen aid and action associations, as well as from other alliances and federations. The Park’s technology companies, including SINCAP Technologies, GVC De-Tech, DoftTek, S.A, and RhinoTech, also form part of the coalition.

According to a communication obtained by The Mammalian Daily, the purpose of the meeting is to begin the process of making a joint proposal to PFO head Valentina Abeja for increased funding for weather purchases, food production, education, and business support. The 2016 budget allocated a total of thirty-three percent of the budget for the above and the coalition believes this funding is insufficient.

Some of the groups that make up the coalition are:

Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF)
Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP)
Produce for Progress
Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds
Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol
Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS)
Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band
Skunks Against Gunk
Park Education Working Collective  (PEWC)
Park Citizens for Education (PCFE)

Holstein Fashion honours Zuberi Tembo

By

One day before The Park holds its official memorial for Zuberi Tembo, Holstein Fashion’s charity EQUALSS has released a design in his honour.

At a short press gathering this morning, the company’s president and CEO Balbina Ko explained her personal and professional connection to the Endeka Elephant Band’s bass player, who was murdered two weeks ago in his native Africa, while on a trip home to visit his family.

“Very few know this, but when my company decided to establish a charity to ensure that striped and spotted Animals achieved equality in The Park, Zuberi Tembo was the first to congratulate me and to offer his support,” she said.

According to Ko, Tembo was a “passionate supporter of equality among the species” and he was distressed at the statistics regarding the treatment of striped and spotted Animals in The Park.

“Not just because of what he had suffered, but because he was a gentle, loving, and intelligent Animal, Zuberi understood that there was no such thing as equality for some,” Ko said.

She also said he offered to write a song for EQUALSS and the band has promised her that “the work on that song will go on.”

The Park will honour the fallen musician at one o’clock tomorrow afternoon at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, where a flag emblazoned with the new Tembo design will fly at half-mast.

Art museum confirms theft of iconic painting, “Swine with Ewe”

By

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) has confirmed the theft of one of its most iconic paintings, “Swine with Ewe.”

The painting, which was the collaborative effort of Feliciano Cerdo and Simone Agnelle, was a gift to the museum in celebration of the twenty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

At a press conference this morning attended by Park Police, the president of the museum’s board of directors Aulikki Norsu said the painting went missing two days ago, but the museum stayed silent in the hope the thief would return it unharmed.

“We notified the police immediately, but we made the decision not to go public about the theft right away. We were hoping it was some kind of prank and when it was over, the painting would reappear,” Norsu said.

Speaking on behalf of the police, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) appealed to any Animal who may have information regarding the painting or the theft.

“If you visited the museum within the last month and saw or heard something suspicious, or if you have heard anything about the painting or the museum here or in your travels outside The Park, we want to hear from you,” she said.

Fossa called the recent spate of thefts “worrying” and confirmed that the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) had been alerted.

“This is the fourth theft of its kind within the last year and we have to consider the possibility that they are in some way connected to each other and, perhaps, connected to Humans,” she said.

Last September, Harmonious Hannah, the stuffed Animal that appears at The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, went missing. In May, the Park Museum reported the basketball stolen from their flyball exhibit and last month, Avian Messenger publisher Alvin Tinamou’s nest went missing. Only Harmonious Hannah has been recovered.

Mark your calendars: August 17 is budget day in The Park

By

Aug 17The Park Finance Office will present its 2017 budget in August, it was announced this morning.

At a short press conference held outside her office, PFO head Valentina Abeja confirmed she would present her second—and possibly last—budget at 11:00 on August 17.

The PFO head, who is now in the last year of her two-year mandate, has garnered much less attention—and controversy–than the previous head, Milton Struts. Still, many believe that this budget is a crucial one for her, if she wishes to remain in the position.

While Abeja has been more popular than Struts, who was criticized and ultimately ousted for taking food from Humans and renting out Park farmland to them, many considered her first budget to be too conservative and less forward-looking than they’d expected.

“She got a pass on the last budget, because it was better thought-out and we’d been without a budget for over a year. She was also better behaved than Struts was at the end, and that counted for a lot. But now she has to show us what she’s got in terms of the future of The Park and understanding the situation we’ve found ourselves in,” says Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners.

Others agree.

“I think her honeymoon is all but over,” said one analyst who wished to remain anonymous.

Dingo, who knew Abeja from her days as an analyst at The Park’s All Species Credit and Commercial Bank (ASCCB), says she’s “highly qualified, competent, and conscientious.”

But, he says, she has one glaring weakness: “She’s is short on the ability to delegate.”

Body of Zuberi Tembo interred in Africa; memorial service to be held in Park

By

Zuberi Tembo

The late Zuberi Tembo (Photo taken last year)

The body of bassist Zuberi Tembo was interred in his native Africa yesterday, his cousin Thwayya Tembo told The Mammalian Daily.

The Endeka Elephant Band member was killed ten days ago on a trip home to visit his family. His cousin, who is acting as the family’s spokesAnimal, said they continue to mourn the loss of their loved one but are grateful for the outpouring of support from The Park.

“We are all devastated by the loss of Zuberi. His murder was made all the more painful by the irony that he had escaped the danger of Humans by defecting from the circus so many years ago and had lived peacefully in The Park. But we want to express our appreciation to the Archons and to all Park citizens for the outpouring of support for his family and friends. It is gratifying to know that there are so many who were touched by Zuberi during his lifetime.”

In a related statement released this morning, The Archons confirmed that a memorial service for the fallen musician will take place on July 26 at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Details will be available shortly.

GoUnderground Park’s most hospitable shop: survey

By

GoUnderground 2015 LogoAnd the survey says: GoUnderground.

The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) announced the results of its consumer survey today and the venerable hibernation outfitter has won the title of “most hospitable Park shop.”

At a short ceremony this morning, PASS president Wellington Whistlepig affixed a plaque to the shop’s façade as he congratulated Director of Sales, Nafari Bongo, on the honour.

“We are so pleased that one of the Park’s oldest shops is also the best in customer service,” Whistlepig said.

For his part, Bongo was quick to credit his employees with making hibernation shopping an enjoyable experience.

“We have a great team here and we work hard to make our customers happy,” he said. “We are all committed to responding to the needs of modern hibernators and estivators and we are always on the lookout for the newest and best items to ease our customers’ burden.”

Bongo singled out Hieronymous Hedgehog for praise, as well. Last year, the Hedgehog became the shop’s spokesAnimal as well as The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador.

“Hieronymous has done a fabulous job, and not only for our customers. As the face of hibernation, he’s been able to educate non-hibernators and foster understanding among different species. We are truly lucky to have him working for us,” he said.

Flyball Finals take on new significance

By

Flyball DogSunday’s Flyball Finals will be exciting, for sure. But those attending the annual sporting event will feel a particular sense of pride this year. And a poignancy, as well.

“There is no doubt that Flyball has come a long way in The Park,” says Adrià Lebrel, president of the Park Flyball Association (PFA).

“It took years for us to accept it, and that goes for all ball sports. But it’s taken even longer for us to take pride in our abilities in that area. We’ve been far more willing to show reverence toward our athletes who wrestle, tunnel, race, or swim. Our ball athletes have had to work much harder for recognition and that’s a shame,” he says.

But, Lebrel says, it’s a testament to our ability to expand our minds that ball sports have finally gained our respect. And he credits Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and Park sports historian, Bailey, with helping to bring about the change in our attitude.

“Bailey worked hard to build respect for the ball. Before he started writing his column, none of us knew anything about ball history or its importance in the life of Canines and other Animals. He taught us about ourselves, and this year, with his work with the Park Museum on the flyball exhibit (Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals), he’s brought that full circle. We owe him a great deal of thanks.”

Still, come Sunday, we’ll also be feeling some sadness, due to the theft of Bailey’s basketball, which he’d lent to the museum for the duration of the exhibition.

“When he stands up to open the games, we’ll be feeling for him. There’s no doubt about that,” says Lebrel.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

July 2016
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031