The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for April 2017

Hermione Hippo appointed head judge of 2017 Toe-Hair Contest

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Hermione HippoHermione Hippo will serve as head judge of the 2017 Toe-Hair Contest.

At a press event held this morning, Aintza Kanariar of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, made the formal announcement:

“We are thrilled to announce that the very knowledgeable nurse Hermione Hippo will serve as head judge of the 2017 Toe-Hair Contest,” she said.

The veteran Park health professional is the head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm and also serves part-time as Assistant Professor at the University of West Terrier School of Medicine.

“Few others have Hermione’s expertise,” Kanariar said. “We are humbled that she has agreed to take the time to participate in the contest.”

In making the announcement, the longtime Director of Public Relations for the body that chooses the judges emphasized the importance of the position of head judge:

“The position is an important one because, should there be a tie, the head judge, who is an Animal with greater expertise than the other judges, has the ability to choose the winner. It is a position of responsibility that calls for a great deal of knowledge and personal integrity. And that Hermione Hippo has in spades,” she said.

Kanariar also announced the other four members of the judging panel: Cornelio Lantra, Clementina Araña, Quinta Caribou, and Rafael Ortega.

The Toe-Hair Contest, which is in its 22nd year, is set to commence at 10:00 a.m. Park time on May 1.

It’s official: Abeja is out, search is on for new PFO head

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PFO Head Valentina AbejaBREAKING NEWS

Valentina Abeja has left the PFO building.

Or at least, she’ll be gone by April 30.

In a short statement this afternoon, the Park Finance Office confirmed the rumours of the past few weeks:

“The Park Finance Office wishes to inform all Park citizens that PFO head Valentina Abeja will be leaving her post as of April 30 of this year. We thank her for her work and for the integrity with which she oversaw the PFO and two Park budgets and we wish her all the best in her future endeavours.”

The PFO also confirmed that it has initiated a search for a new head and budget chief.

Abeja was appointed in February of 2015, after Milton Struts was unceremoniously relieved of his duties after a series of scandals involving Humans. She moved swiftly to unite the PFO and to prepare budgets that reflected the needs and concerns of Park citizens. According to an August 2016 poll by The Cosmopolitan Pest, Abeja is extremely well-liked and trusted and most Park citizens were hoping that she would continue to head the PFO.

“She may be the best-liked and best-respected PFO head The Park has ever had,” Inès Puceron, the magazine’s editor, said last week. “But her ideas do not reflect those of the present Chief Archon.”

Ronald Grouse to take over MWM’s Twitter account full-time on May 1

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mwm-flyersRonald Grouse, the newly-elected director of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor, will take control of the event’s Twitter account on Monday, May 1. He made the announcement yesterday while a guest on Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros show.

The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst was elected director of the annual event earlier this month and he replaces Alvin Tinamou, who was one of the founders of the initiative and who served as its director the past three years.

In an interview with The Eagle Star the day after he was elected, Grouse said he intended to expand MWM’s reach through the use of social media.

“I think it’s important [for the initiative] that we enter the public forum and explain our raison d’être,” he said. “I think Twitter is a good way to do that, to let readers and listeners know that they can have a say in the degree to which media manipulate them.”

Grouse said he would tweet on a regular basis throughout the month, as well as host live conferences with MWM’s Twitter followers. He also is booked to be a guest on a number of Park radio and television interview shows throughout May and he has been invited to be a Mammalian Daily guest columnist.

Wednesday Rewind: Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

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Anatomy of a Small Ball: The virus resides in the dimpled surface, but it replicates in the internal layers

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 16 April 2007

The recent death of a Squirrel has alerted The Park’s medical community to the necessity of implementing measures to deal with the possible onset of a panzootic, according to a spokesAnimal for The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

Kostas Apollonios Eusebios Squirrel died on 26 March as a result of Small Ball Fever, six days after he had extensive contact with a small ball which he imported to The Park from a local field.

An internal memo from the DWBS, made available to this newspaper, reveals that the likelihood of a small ball fever panzootic is greater this year than in previous years, in large part because of the proliferation of small balls in the communities surrounding The Park.

Every year, the DWBS monitors the influx of small balls. This year, the number has increased tenfold. Experts say this is due, primarily, to the early onset of warm, sunny weather.

“Small balls are the bane of our existence,” said Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the DWBS. “We can contain them inside The Park, but there is nothing we can do to restrict their number outside our borders,” he said.

Small balls were first sighted in The Park more than a decade ago, but their number has grown exponentially over the past five years. The balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The DWBS’s Kakapo was quick to assure Animals that the Department is doing everything in its power to limit the spread of Small Ball Fever and to protect The Park’s population from a panzootic.

For more information, please consult The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.” 

Park’s Avian population set to soar above other species: BirdBrains

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yellow-bird-soaring

The Park’s Avian population is set to soar above all other species, according to a report published last week by the Avian mentoring programme, BirdBrains.

The report, entitled, “Zoocracy After Thirty-Five: A New Avian Era,” analyzes a number of studies of the development of The Park’s Avian population in the years following the establishment of zoocracy.

According to these studies, Avians dipped in levels of education, employment, and entrepreneurship during the first decade and a half of zoocracy, when they were overtaken by other species, the large majority of which were Mammals and Fish. In addition, statistics from the Long Gone Registry confirm that the number of Avians who chose to leave The Park permanently grew consistently from 1995 to 2005. The first cohort set up homes and infrastructure in other areas, which encouraged an exodus in the years between 2001 and 2005.

But all that is about to change, according to the report’s authors and BirdBrains directors, Gwendolyn Goose and Henry Gander, whose late father, Cesar Emilio Gander, founded the Avian mentoring programme.

The average level of education in the Avian population has gone from the rudimentary level to intermediate, says Goose, with a significant increase in the number of Avians attending institutions of higher learning.

“This year, Avians will constitute the largest number of new students as well as the largest number of graduates,” Goose says proudly.

In addition, many more Avians have become interested in technology and, in turn, entrepreneurship. Goose and Gander credit their father’s vision, as well as that of the education initiative of the 2011 and 2012 Archons, with the change in the Avian mindset.

“Many more Birds are making the decision to stay here and get an education. They see opportunities that aren’t available outside The Park and they’re now reaching for the stars,” says Gander.

Kawena Palila is one of them. An alumna of BirdBrains, Palila credits the programme with helping her to realize her dream, the social media site gaggle, which went live last year. Palila says the programme helped her get funding and some extra expertise for the site, as well as encouraging her to “think Avian,” which resulted in a site “not for the individual, but for the flock.”

Goose and Gander say there are many more Palilas on the horizon and they look forward to mentoring many flocks of them in the coming years.

Dear Noreen: Why must I sit for my supper?

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Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine (of unknown origin, they tell me) who was recently adopted by two Humans. Before my adoption, I lived in a special shelter, where I was fed, walked, and cared for by a number of loving Humans. I thought that after I was adopted my basic routine would be the same, but it hasn’t turned out that way.

I know it’s different living in a Human home and I’ve done my best to abide by their rules since I arrived here. I do want to please them because they are good to me, but there are things they require me to do that I just don’t understand. The main one is they demand that I sit before they serve me my meals or give me treats.

What is the significance of sitting, Noreen? I don’t understand and I was hoping you could enlighten me. Can you?—SITTING IN THE DARK

DEAR SITTING IN THE DARK: Ah, Humans. As I always say, they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one. And you’ve explained in an eloquent and succinct fashion one of the main reasons.

It so happens that “sit” is quite an ancient command, and I emphasize here the word, “command.” It has its origins in two aspects of the Human psyche about which I’ve spoken on a number of occasions in different contexts. These aspects are, of course, the insatiable Human desire to hold sway over all others (also known as the desire for power) and the desire to keep their house in order (both figuratively and literally).

For the purposes of answering your question, I will speak about only the first of these aspects. Quite simply, the Human desire for power overrides all other desires and I would say they’re quite incapable of containing it. I talk about this at greater length in my book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, but here, I must defer to my University of West Terrier colleague, Horus Aaqil Saluki, whose work on the subject is considered groundbreaking. He and I have been hard at work co-authoring a book, Humans and the Pyramid of Power, which speaks to the very problem you’ve raised: the unnecessary wielding of same over others.

You see, my dear, as Horus first observed, Humans work very hard not only to hold sway over others, but to make them show their deference. And that is where your “sit” command comes in.

As you well know, there is nothing about sitting that enables you to eat or digest better. Following your Humans’ command, then, is not at all for your benefit, but for theirs. By agreeing to perform this small gesture, you assure them that they have the ultimate say—the last word, as it were—in your behaviour. Your Humans want to be reassured (and on a constant basis, no less) that you acknowledge them as “the boss.” When you’ve proven that you do, they’re more than happy to oblige you in many ways.

Now, since you haven’t asked me whether or not you should comply, I won’t go down that road with you here. Suffice it to say, research has shown that the more you obey Humans, the happier they are and, ultimately, the happier you will be. It’s a bit trickle-down, as my learned colleague has been known to say. By no means do I advocate blind obedience, but if, as with sitting, it does you no harm, you might find that obeying your Humans is the most expedient way of finding peace and happiness in your life with them. Ultimately, it is your decision and not an easy one to make. I wish you all the best, no matter what you choose.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

Back by popular demand: PMoCA’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” returns Sunday with special guest Ingolf Ewald

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pmoca-1The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) made a surprise announcement this morning: its ARCHONOGRAPHY installation, which broke all attendance records during its initial two-month run, will reopen this weekend. And, it will host a special guest: renowned artist Ingolf Ewald.

Ewald, who is known for his painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat,” last visited The Park in August of 2015, when he opened the PMoCA’s “Art of the Domestic Feline” exhibition.

The ARCHONOGRAPHY installation, which the museum describes as “ultra-live,” is a tribute to the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy. It honours those who’ve served in The Park’s government over the past thirty-five years by having Park artists paint portraits of Archons chosen by museum-goers. All twelve hundred portraits completed thus far hang in the museum and they will do so until the end of the year.

This second iteration of the installation will differ slightly, according to head curator Aamuun Maroodiga’s announcement today. The artists will be on-site only eight hours a day instead of the previous twelve, and the installation will run from Sunday, April 16 until May 1, after which the museum will close to make preparations for its next major exhibition. Ingolf Ewald will be painting portraits of Archons from April 15 until April 21.

The Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s “ARCHONOGRAPHY” will reopen on Sunday, April 15 and run until May 1, 2017. Admission to the event is free. 

Footpad Heaven braces for onslaught of shoppers at Sunday’s clearance sale

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Footpad HeavenCome one. Come all. Come early. And be prepared for long lineups and security at the door. But, remember, there’ll also be treats. And music.

That is what manager Adamma Bandicoot has been telling her clientele for the past few weeks when they’ve asked about the shop’s annual clearance sale.

Even though they’ll be selling last year’s stock, as they always do at this annual sale, Bandicoot says she’s sure they’ll sell out early this year.

“We’ve got prime stock for sale, and even though it’s technically last year’s, it’s brand new and some of the most coveted items we’ve ever sold,” she says.

Bandicoot, who traces her ancestry back to the shop’s founder, sculptor Josiah Bandicoot, is particularly proud of the line from Holstein Fashion. That includes some of the designs that were seen in the fashion show last year during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), as well as their regular line of paw coverings and stick-on striped and spotted toe pads. There are also a few items for sale from the collection honouring Zuberi Tembo, the Endeka Elephant Band’s late bassist. Bandicoot says she held back a few things from each collection just for this sale, but she warns that making them yours will take some time and patience.

If that’s not for you, there will be an express line for FP’s signature toepads and other accoutrement for which the shop is famous.

“We like to think w have something for every Animal,” Bandicoot says. “After all, we’re in the business of making our customers happy.”

Who: Footpad Heaven
What: Annual Clearance Sale
When: April 15, 7:00 a.m until closing time

Wednesday Rewind: Chitter Radio rescues literary awards

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Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 23 January 2012

Chitter Radio, one of The Park’s most popular talk radio stations, has brought The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) back from the brink.

At a press conference this morning, Chitter President and C.E.O., Albana Ketri, confirmed that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards.

“We are delighted to announce that Chitter Radio will be the exclusive sponsor of the 2012 Park Annual Literary Awards. We look forward to forging a strong connection with the Awards and see this as a great opportunity to promote literacy both inside and outside The Park,” she said.

The Awards had previously been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, but budgetary constraints forced it to renege on its promise of funding for the 2012 season.

At the press conference, Ketri emphasized that Chitter Radio considers its association with PALA to be both a “privilege and a responsibility” and stated that Chitter Radio is “unequivocally committed”  to maintaining the high standards and integrity with which PALA is associated.

The Park Annual Literary Awards take place 15 June.

Memes of Production to be official hosts of this year’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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Memes of ProductionIt’s official. And it’s a first for the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

The annual festival announced today that Bovine singing sensations Memes of Production will not only play at this year’s event, they will be its full-time hosts.

Jubilee chief organizer Miriam Wapiti made the announcement at a small press gathering today.

“We are very pleased that Memes of Production accepted our invitation to play host at this year’s event,” she said. “Their success at last year’s Jubilee proved that their music and their ethos are in sync with the values of our celebration.”

Wapiti said she’d be “forever grateful” to the group for rescuing last year’s event, when the boycott of its opening act as well as of The Park’s farmers and weather makers threatened to shut it down.

“They proved that politics has no place at the Jubilee,” she said.

While the event has been criticized over the past few years for becoming “too politicized,” both Wapiti and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations have attempted to rein in any overt politicking. Most notably, organizers refused to allow The Park’s farmers and weather makers to host information booths during the event five years ago.

Although Wapiti would not elaborate on the Memes of Production’s full rôle in the event, she did hint that they would have some say in choosing the musicians and other entertainers.

The Anixi Agrarian Jubilee will take place on May 21, 2017.

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