The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Barkettes locked in legal battle with grooming house over name, image

By

halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have engaged the services of legal expert Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, to help them fight their legal battle against a Park grooming house that opened its doors in early November.

The grooming house, which calls itself Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure, opened with little fanfare on November 9, 2016. Shortly after, the Barkettes approached the owner, Zenaide Cadela, and requested that she stop using the image of their album, “Halcyon Days,” on her shop’s sign. Despite initially agreeing, Cadela never acted on the request.

According to papers filed by Terrier on Wednesday, the Barkettes are now asking the court for a cease and desist order to stop Cadela not only from using their album’s copyrighted image, but from playing the song “Halcyon Days” on radio and television advertisements for her grooming house.

Terrier will represent the Barkettes before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon on February 27.

2017 POPS in stable condition as Park awaits hospital press conference

By

Hermione Hippo

As Ditmar Bosmarmot, 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), remains in stable condition after being diagnosed with Premature Awakening from hibernation (PA), a press conference has been called for this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Hospital spokesAnimal Aurélie Brebis confirmed the press conference in a short communiqué this morning:

“The hospital’s head nurse, Hermione Hippo, will deliver a statement on the condition of Ditmar Bosmarmot and afterwards will take questions from the press this afternoon at three o’clock in the main conference room of the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.”

Bismarmot, who was elected POPS in November, was roused from his burrow at approximately seven o’clock on Groundhog Day morning. He appeared groggy and after losing his footing along the way, he was helped to the prognostication pad by two aides. While there were concerns that he would not be able to fulfill his duties, he was able to stand on the prognostication pad unaided for a sufficient length of time to make the prognostication. According to a spokesAnimal for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who certified the prediction, the judge had “no hesitation whatsoever in doing so” and certified the prediction “with complete certainty as to its validity.”

Immediately thereafter, Bosmarmot was taken off the pad by members of the Emergency Elephant Brigade (EEB), who helped him onto a stretcher and delivered him to the Park Hospital.

A diagnosis of Premature Awakening from hibernation was made at the scene and confirmed later that day. Until this morning, however, doctors had made no comment on Bosmarmot’s condition other than to say it was “stable.”

The Mammalian Daily will keep its readers apprised of the condition of the POPS via Twitter and Facebook.

Wednesday Rewind: Tavros “Bullish” on The Park, say his supporters

By

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 20 February 2013

Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros is “Bullish” on The Park and only wants the best for his adopted home, says a group of his supporters who have set up camp in front of the radio station.

“I think everybody’s got it all wrong about Yannis,” says Gottfried Stier. Stier has been marching up and down in front of Toro Talk Radio’s door since Tuesday, when the radio station relieved the controversial talk show host of his duties for an indefinite period of time.

Stier points to the photo on the sign he’s been carrying, then asks in a genuinely puzzled tone:

“Does that look like the face of a Bull who’s gratuitously cruel?” he asked.

That epithet is one of many that have become attached to Tavros’s name. Always known as outspoken and often seen as controversial, many believe Tavros crossed the line last Tuesday, when he criticized the intellectual capabilities of Hieronymous Hedgehog and his family.

“Nobody here thinks he should have said that,” says Stier, who says he agrees with those who believe Tavros should come forward and apologize.

“But I don’t think it’s an indication of his views. He’s argumentative…and combative on the air. That’s his persona. But his loyalties lie with The Park and he’s a staunch supporter of zoocracy. Considering where he came from, that’s not a surprise. But you won’t find many Animals who are as willing as he is to lay it on the line so The Park can be its best. I don’t think, right now, that Park Animals have any appreciation of his real attitudes. All they can hear is this one mistake. I think we owe it to him to give him a chance to speak honestly,” Stier says.

Another protester, Jurella Tamaraw, points out the irony in Tavros not being on the air.

“The last time there was a controversy about free speech, Yannis was there to help resolve it,” she says. That controversy, which involved the decision made by the Association of Park Radio Stations to pull a Cynics song from the airwaves, was resolved when Tavros offered the Cynics a chance to defend their song on his show.

Many would argue, though, that the current issue is not, technically, one of free speech. The protesters outside Toro Talk Radio believe there is a simple solution, nevertheless.

“I think he should apologize and we should all move on from this,” says Tamaraw.

Tavros scores interview coup with zoocracy founder’s biographer

By

3d-tabby-king-1Yannis Tavros has scored a major media coup by booking an exclusive, pre-publication interview with the author of a new biography of The Park’s first leader.

Yoshita Tigru will join Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show on Friday, February 10, to discuss her book, George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert: The Tabby King. Four days later, The Park will celebrate the anniversary of Jor’s birth.

In the new biography, which is bound to spark controversy when it hits the shelves on February 15, Tigru claims that The Park’s revered first leader considered establishing a form of monarchy before he fixed on the idea of  zoocracy, or complete Animal self-rule.

Tigru, who was allowed full access to all the extant papers of George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert (Jor), including the entirety of his sister’s diary, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, cites his sister as a “major force” behind both his political aspirations and his political decisions.

“There is no doubt that her rôle went far beyond that of a sounding board or even an advisor,” Tigru has said in the past.

This view aligns with that of another of Jor’s biographers, Daphne D.S. Katze, whose 2014 book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, claims that it was Jor’s sister who turned his attention away from “simple Feline pleasures” to the idea of promoting harmony among the species in The Park.

Katze, who had only limited access to Zoë’s historical tome, has said recently that she was envious of Tigru’s unfettered access, but would “absolutely” trust her interpretation of what she read.

Free tickets to Tigru’s February 26 book launch are available at The Literary Apothecary. The launch will begin with a short reading at two o’clock, followed by a Q&A session and paw printing.

Design of 2017 prognostication pad sparks criticism, spawns new memes

By

2017-prognostication-PAD

The design of the 2017 prognostication pad hasn’t just sparked intense criticism from attendees and design experts; it’s also spawned several new Park memes.

The confusing design, coupled with the grave illness suffered by 2017 POPS Ditmar Bismarmot, has spawned  a set of memes that appear to blame the pad and its designer, the architectural firm Fleck + Stone, for Bosmarmot’s illness.

The Park Official Prognosticator of Spring was found to be suffering from Premature Awakening (PA) from hibernation and was rushed to hospital just minutes after predicting an early Spring on Groundhog Day.

Despite these indisputable medical facts, the memes have taken off in a variety of forms, including one that shows an image of Bosmarmot sprawled across the top of the pad with the the warning: “Don’t get stoned by Fleck.” Another with a similar image says, “Ditmarred Again.” Yet another portrays the firm’s chef architect, Vadim Kobras, climbing up the pad, leaving a number of dead Groundhogs behind him on the steps.

For their part, the Archons have been swift to react to the memes, preferring to deal with them in a factual way. This morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, read a prepared statement from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu in which she wished Bosmarmot a speedy recovery. The statement went on to use the memes to address the issue of Premature Awakening and to direct Park Animals to information on the subject.

Thus far, neither the firm of Fleck + Stone nor its chief architect has publicly reacted to the criticism of the prognostication pad.

Wednesday Rewind: Chaos reigns as Return of the Nut marks end of hibernation

By

Chaos reigned in The Park as 2013 Keeper of the Nut Tapio Orava returned the Nut at celebrations held on February 20

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 21 February 2013

Chaos reigned yesterday in The Park, as Tapio Orava prepared to fulfil his duties as 2013 Keeper of the Nut.

Orava could not hide his discomfort as he stretched out his arms and returned the Nut to the citizenry in a ceremony that has great historical significance.

Swearing the ancient oath that the Nut was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” he said he could see and hear thousands of protesters around him, waving signs and shouting at each other.

“I didn’t know, at first, that they weren’t protesting against me, but I didn’t know why they would be doing that,” he said later. “So I just tightened my tail and got on with the business at hand.”

The protesters came from two different camps: some were members of The Park’s hibernating communities who had come out in support of Hieronymous Hedgehog and others were vehement supporters of controversial Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. At one point, surrounding Orava, they declared war on each other and Park Police were forced to step in to quell the demonstration.

“I was mortified…for The Park and for him [Tapio Orava]…and I was sad,” said Beatrice Zilonis, a professor in the Department of History at the University of West Terrier.

“This is a day of great significance to us…a day that has always been one of pure joy, marking the end of hibernation and reuniting most of The Park’s residents. It is a day when we all come together and celebrate our survival. They [the protesters] had no business being there,” she said.

Noticeably absent from the ceremony was Hieronymous Hedgehog, who is at the centre of the controversy, along with Yannis Tavros. According to his hibernating compatriots, he is still resting in his burrow and is unaware, as yet, of the firestorm that his Groundhog Day remarks created.

“He’s living in blissful ignorance,” said his cousin Cyril, stifling a laugh. “But I doubt that that can last much longer.”

Meanwhile, according to Park Police, the half-day celebration of survival and solidarity yielded 400 arrests, 175 injuries and, as of today, 4 lawsuits.

“I guess you could say it wasn’t just another day in The Park for us,” said Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), who oversaw security at the event.

Mark your calendars for these important February events in The Park

By

mark-thisFebruary is a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year it will be especially so, as we continue our year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

waking-groundhogFebruary 1: Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.

groundhogdayscheduleFebruary 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear the POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3).

And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!

groundhog-day-blowoutFebruary 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not 2017 POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot sees his shadow, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!

3d-cover-fierce-urgency-of-miaowFebruary 8: Book release
As we reported late last year, 2017 will be the year of the political book and two of the most important ones will be released this month. The first will be The Fierce Urgency of Miaow, historian Pieter N. Paard’s much-anticipated analysis of Jor and the Feline roots of Animal self-rule. Look for it in Park bookstores after February 8.

3d-tabby-king-croppedFebruary 10: Yannis Tavros interviews Jor’s biographer Yoshita Tigru
Hailed as a media coup, Yannis Tavros’s guest on his February 10 Toro Talk Radio show will be Yoshita Tigru, author of a new and controversial biography of The Park’s first leader. She’ll be discussing some unknown facts about Jor just four days before we celebrate the anniversary of his birth.

February 14: Anniversary of the birth of JorJOR
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.

Hieronymous Hedgehog February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the NutFebruary 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2017 Keeper of the Nut Sunniva Muldvarp who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

2017 Groundhog Day Schedule released

By

groundhogdayscheduleThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has released the Official Schedule of the 2017 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a press conference held early this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced plans for the ” Zoocracy 35 edition” of the celebrations.

Kanariar told the press that this year’s event will include the recognition of Park history “in many forms,” including a parade of all living former Archons, a reading from the historical tome of the sister of the founder of zoocracy, and a pantomime performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company.

“We’ll be acknowledging history and making history all at the same time,” Kanariar said. She also confirmed that the Endeka Elephant Band would contribute a musical interlude during the official celebrations, but they will not play during the parade.

As well, Kanariar said we can expect the parade to include a “host of new floats,” many of which will acknowledge the anniversary of the founding of zoocracy.

“Even though this is our Groundhog Day celebration, and not the official celebration of Animal self-rule in The Park, we thought it fitting to include that theme in the parade,” she said.

As ever, one of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations will be the food. And the food this year will be “diverse,” because, Kanariar, said, “We want to celebrate interspecial harmony by recognizing our different eating preferences.”

Among the new food stations will be a “feral buffet” courtesy of Chef Tab Tricolore and “Diverse Dishes” supplied by a consortium of The Park’s chefs and restaurateurs.

Also new this year, food will be served for twenty-four hours straight.

“We’re going through from eight in the morning on the second [of February] until eight in the morning on the third,” Kanariar said. But she was quick to confirm this would not replace the celebration hosted by the Early Risers.

“We are not competing with the Early Risers at all, and they are welcome to come and join us at any time.”

And, don’t forget: for the fourth year in a row, the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

Historian and author Pieter N. Paard to speak at Sunday’s UWT Open House

By

UWT COATThe President and Governors of the University of West Terrier have announced that Pieter N. Paard will speak at the University’s annual Open House on January 29, 2017.

Paard, a UWT professor of history, is the author of several books, including From Slavery to Freedom: A History of Pack Animals and, most recently, The Fierce Urgency of Miaow: Jor and the Feline Roots of Zoocracy (February release). Pieter Paard has also appeared on Yannis Tavros’s Toro Talk Radio show and is a member of The Mammalian Daily’s Groundhog Day commentating crew.

Paard will talk about his research on the organic roots of zoocracy and the place of Animal self-rule in the wider world.

Read the university’s full announcement here.

Annual Open House • 29 January 2017
Snacks, beverages, and brochures will be available from 12:00 until 20:30

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

April 2026
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
27282930