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Wednesday Rewind: Grooming house offers “rapper special” on claw sharpening

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Amoltrud's Aesthetics


Amoltrud’s Aesthetics is taking advantage of recent events in The Park to advertise its grooming services

Wednesday Rewind
Original publication date: 17 December 2013

Who says Animals in business have no sense of humour?

Not Amoltrud Poedel. The owner of The Park’s oldest grooming house believes that serious events can have a funny side. And just to prove it, she’s added a seasonal special to the long list of services her salon offers.

“I’m calling it the ‘Rapper Special’ and we’re offering it at half price, this week only,” she laughs. “It’s our full claw sharpening treatment…but we do it extra-carefully, so that all that nasty bark won’t get caught in your claws.”

The reference, of course, is to the trial of Rapper Will.o.be., who was acquitted yesterday after being charged with, among other things, sharpening his claws on a precious Park Oak Tree.

Poedel won’t say whether she harbours doubts about his innocence, but she’s clearly not against taking advantage of the doubts of many other Park citizens.

But, she says, “It’s all in good fun. I’m hoping he’ll come in for a sharpening or, at least, write our next jingle for us. Something snappy, with a bit of a bite and a bark to it, maybe.”

Winter Solstice 2016: all the bells and whistles, including Belles and Whistles

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winter-solsticeGet ready to party hard and party long: The Park’s 2016 Celebration of the Winter Solstice will begin tomorrow at sunrise and end—officially, that is— at three o’clock in the morning on December 22.

“We’re pulling out all the stops this year. It’s going to be a celebration to end all celebrations,” Aintza Kanariar said, as she announced the official schedule as per the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

So fully packed will this holiday festival be, that it will be hard to find a band or a performing artist who is not participating.

In fact, Kanariar said, the only performers who will not be making an appearance tomorrow will be those who are in hibernation. Among them, of course, is Millicent Hayberry, who reportedly has sent a video message to Solstice celebrants.

In addition to Belles and Whistles, music makers who will take the stage include:

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
NIML
Fish Rap

The Endeka Elephant Band is scheduled to make a special appearance at noon, Kanariar confirmed. They will be introduced by Thisbe and the Barkettes.

Other highlights of the celebration include:

  • An original dance choreographed for the occasion by Herman Stoat will be performed by his eponymous dance company. The title of this year’s dance is “The Cyclamen in Winter.”
  • Jugglers, clowns, and a Human imitator will provide entertainment throughout the celebration
  • Wilbur J. Pika and members of the New Harmony Theatre will read selected pages from The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat
  • Students from the Hani Gajah School of Art will be providing free tail-painting for young participants
  • Costume dress-up events will be hosted by the Park Historical Society
  • Storytelling
  • Harmonious Hannah and Humphrey will be on hand throughout the festivities

As always, a major component of the celebration will be the food.This year’s fare will be provided by The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will be serving a full breakfast just after the solstice occurs and chef Tab Tricolore will host an afternoon and evening “feral buffet.” Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served throughout the event. The Solstice will occur at 5:44 a.m. Local Park Time (LPT).

Winter Solstice celebration unofficial kick-off to zoocracy’s 35th birthday bash

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Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.

“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”

And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.

As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.

Wednesday Rewind: Archons declare calendar harmonization “complete”

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At midnight on 1 January 2013, The Park’s original calendar, also known as the Varrian Calendar, becomes history, as calendar harmonization is declared “complete” by the 2012 Park Archons

Wednesday Rewind
Original publication date: 31 December 2012

The harmonization of The Park’s calendar with that of the wider world has been fully realized.

Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt made that announcement at a press conference this morning.

“That which the 2010 Archons began,” he said,  “the 2012 Archons hereby declare complete.”

Flanked by fifteen of his thirty-four compatriots, Newt spoke briefly, giving the 2010 Archons credit for their foresight and for aiding in the modernization of The Park.

“In their wisdom, they [the 2010 Archons] refused to back down on an issue that had scared off many before them. But they knew that modernization could no longer wait. They risked their reputations and, in some cases, their own safety, for the sake of The Park. We will be, forever, in their debt,” he said.

The legislation enacted by the 2010 Archons, whose formal name is “The Calendar Harmonization Act” (“An Act to harmonize The Park’s calendar with that of the calendar or calendars used outside The Park and to amend certain Acts in consequence thereof”), came into effect in March of 2010. Its full impact was not felt until more than two years later. While it still receives mixed reviews from Park residents, a recent survey indicated that most Animals are “resigned to it” and only a small percentage would make the choice to return to the old calendar.

Raimundo Zorro’s name struck from list of those eligible to be Archon: rumour

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headsNtalesRaimundo Zorro’s name has been struck from the list of Park citizens who are eligible to become 2017 Archons, according to the gossip website, headsNtales.

In a post dated this morning, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo, claims that a member of the Department of Political Administration (DPA), the governing body that compiles the list, confirmed the removal in mid-November of Zorro’s name. Guacamayo writes that she was told he was not deemed “eligible” to stand for Archon.

Zorro was convicted in August 2015 of two counts of inciting hate by owning and operating the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch.” In April of this year, he again caught the attention of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SCHU) by violating the conditions of his sentence and starting a new web site called, “BANDland.” The site, which is still operational, uses technology to track the movements of The Park’s striped community.

According to the SHCU’s Chief Inspector, Maurice Addax, Zorro no longer has any direct connection to the web site, although he is still listed as its founder.

As for his eligibility to stand for Archon, experts say there is nothing written in law to prevent a citizen—even one convicted of a hate crime—from becoming an Archon.

Speaking on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier, said that if, indeed, his name has been struck from the list, he will have a “very strong case” against the DPA.

“As it now stands, there are no restrictions on Park citizens becoming Archons,” she said.

Director Douglas Cheetah to head fundraising at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

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Extinction AnxietyRenowned film director Douglas Cheetah will join The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic in January as its head of fundraising, it was announced today.

Cheetah and EAC head Dr. Berthilidis Strix made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“The need for fundraising underscores the seriousness of the situation,” Strix said, as Cheetah fielded questions from reporters about the dire situation faced by his own species.

In an emotional response to the question of why he decided to take the job, for which he will not receive a salary, the director said he thought it was time he did his part in the fight against extinction and extinction anxiety.

“For too long, I turned away from the reality of the situation. I convinced myself that I wasn’t threatened. But I see now that that was extinction anxiety at its worst and least productive. Now that I am facing it head-on, I want to do my part to help others who suffer from this debilitating condition,” he said.

Cheetah added that no fight against extinction anxiety would be effective unless it was paired with a fight against extinction, itself.

“There’s no point in just telling members of endangered species to calm down. We have to give them a reason to go on. We have to give them hope for a future,” he said.

Wednesday Rewind: Museum’s “Archonic Visions” breaks all attendance records

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Park MuseumWednesday Rewind
Original publication date: 12 December 2012

“Archonic Visions”, The Park Museum’s 2012 travelling exhibition, has set an all-time record for attendance, according to statistics compiled by The Park’s Department of Culture and Heritage.

“We just smashed the records,” said Sukuta Rhinoceros in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio. Rhinoceros is a member of The Park Museum’s Board of Governors and one of its founders.

“And that’s for any exhibition, cultural or artistic, since the founding of zoocracy. This bodes well for the museum and for the future of The Park, itself,” he said.

Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces echoed that sentiment.

“We were thrilled to see those numbers. We view this as a re-awakening of interest in Park history,” he said.

The exhibition, which was sponsored by the Marine Mammal Bank of The Park, highlighted the ideas and accomplishments of the Archons who served in the government from the first year of zoocracy until the end of 2010. The exhibition closed November 30.

Blandine Okapi: “Sortition gives us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

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Blandine OkapiFormer Archon Transition Team (ATT) member Blandine Okapi is taking some heat for her most recent remarks about sortition and the annual selection of government in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published in The Ruminant Free Press yesterday, Okapi calls the process of sortition, which has been the only method used to select The Park’s 35 Archons, “a ridiculous idea” and says bluntly, “All it does is give us a coalition of the unwilling and unable.”

Okapi, who quit the ATT two years ago in order to work with the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP), claims she is drawing from her experience in politics and government when she says that sortition is “keeping The Park in a state of inertia.”

“As we look forward this year to celebrating the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy, we have to ask ourselves what we’ve accomplished here,” she writes. “If our goal was to mature as a Park and to be the model for Animal self-government everywhere, I would say we have failed miserably.”

Reaction to Okapi’s scathing criticism has been swift. At a joint press conference this morning, 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose and Sylvana Rana, president of  Save Our Political System (SOPS), countered her arguments, saying that sortition is the best method available to ensure fair and equitable representation in government.

Former Chief Archon Moose went on to speak of his experience in governing The Park:

“I unequivocally dispute Okapi’s portrait of the members of our governments as being either unable or unwilling or both. During my term as Chief Archon, I worked with some of the most able Animals I have ever met and every one of them was one hundred percent committed to zoocracy and to the values that Jor stood for,” he said.

Celebrity chef to feature food of the feral world in new TV series

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Tab TricoloreCelebrity chef Tab Tricolore will try his hand at television again in the new year.

In a run-up to his first Feral Roots Festival in July, the chef and restaurateur will host a television series on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV) featuring the “foods of the feral world.”

In a joint announcement across all media, VVTV and Tricolore shared their excitement about the show and emphasized their commitment to each other, despite their troubles last year.

In a separate post on his GooseBook page, Tricolore talked about his own feral roots and his relationship with the feral community outside The Park, where he was born.

“On food gathering missions for my many restaurants, I’ve had the privilege of reconnecting with the feral communities outside The Park. They have been enormously generous to me, sharing their crops and their recipes and I look forward to doing the same with my audience. Thank you again, Vertebrate Vision, for this great opportunity,” the post said, in part.

The television series will be broadcast on Tuesday nights, beginning in February 2018, a spokesAnimal for VVTV told The Mammalian Daily.

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