The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Security workers threaten bark-to-rule action over right to bite policy

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers

The Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) is threatening to stage a bark-to-rule action unless Park administration reinstates the right of officers to bite offenders “when necessary.”[pullquote]Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority.—Gareth Shepherd, President, Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW)[/pullquote]

The federation of over four hundred officers, which forms the backbone of The Park’s Police Force, has been in talks with administration regarding this issue for the past two months. But so far, says FCSW president Gareth Shepherd, they have come to no satisfactory resolution.

“Park administration doesn’t appear to understand our position in this matter,” he told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“We are asking for the right to bite only as a last resort. Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority,” he said.

Even though The Park’s Police Force has had a no-biting policy in place for almost twenty-five years, several FCSW officers have been charged with doing so in recent years. Shepherd, himself, was suspended from duty in February of 2013, after he was charged with biting members of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) during a roundup. He was later cleared of the charges and reinstated.

The FCSW’s position is that the realities of modern Park life make a change in policy necessary, but Park administration says it remains unconvinced.

“This seems like a step backward to us and until we view it otherwise, we are not inclined to alter the policy,” a spokesAnimal told the Mammalian Daily.

Harmonious Humphrey and Hannah one year on: what have we learned?

By

Harmonious pair

Harmonious pair celebrate first anniversary of working with Stereotype Sundays

It’s been one year since the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) introduced Harmonious Humphrey and Harmonious Hannah to The Park’s Stereotype Sundays.[pullquote]”We have to do all we can to prevent the younger generation from developing this fear of the other. If it takes a pair of gigantic stuffed Animals, that’s all right. Just so long as we don’t expect toys to do all the work for us.”—Gunnar Rotte, journalist and counsellor [/pullquote]

The pair of stuffed toys, commissioned by the DWBS to foster interspecial harmony in the hearts and minds of The Park’s youth, have spent every weekend (notwithstanding the theft and recovery of Hannah) being hugged, cuddled, bitten, pulled at, and spat on by Animals of all ages. The question is, what has been accomplished?

“I think we made a very good start,” says Cornelius Kakapo, the DWBS Public Relations Director who famously said a year ago, “It is far easier to plant a seed than it is to relocate a tree.”

“We haven’t seen the kind of shift in attitudes that we might have wanted, but I think that was an unreasonable expectation.”

According to Kakapo, the key to the harmonious pair’s success is to get young Animals interested in our differences and similarities.

“We’re using Hannah and Humphrey to create curiosity in young Animals,” he says. “That’s the reason they’re so big.”

That curiosity, the DWBS hopes, will lead to an exchange of information about different species that will, in turn, create greater understanding.

Gunnar Rotte, whose own experiences in The Park have taken him on a whirlwind tour from being a journalist to a public enemy to a counsellor at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, says we have nothing to lose in employing the stuffed toys. But he cautions against expecting “huge gains.”

“We have to do all we can to prevent the younger generation from developing this fear of the other,” he says. “If it takes a pair of gigantic stuffed Animals, that’s all right. Just so long as we remain vigilant and we don’t expect toys to do all the work for us.”

Where’s the comma? Ancient Open-Theatre rebrands itself for a new era

By

AOAT

The new logo of the Ancient Open-Air Theatre

What’s in a comma?[pullquote]Many of us in The Park gave up separating adjectives with commas decades ago. We took some time with it because we didn’t want to shock our supporters. But the theatre is ancient and it doesn’t need archaic grammar to tell us that twice.”—Carlota Tuatara, head of the Ancient Open-Air Theatre[/pullquote]

More than you might realize, says the head of The Park’s oldest theatre.

In an interview with The Mammalian Daily this week, Carlota Tuatara, head of the Ancient Open-Air Theatre—or AOAT, as it will be known in some circles—explained the recent rebranding of The Park’s most revered venue.

“You might not think that it makes a difference, but it does, and it’s a huge difference,” Tuatara said. “That comma is redundant and never should have been put in the theatre’s name in the first place.”

Tuatara and her board of directors contend that the comma’s position after the word “ancient” is grammatically “archaic.”

“Many of us in The Park gave up separating adjectives with commas decades ago. We took some time with it because we didn’t want to shock our supporters. But the theatre is ancient and it doesn’t need archaic grammar to tell us that twice,” she said.

As for the theatre’s new logo, Tuatara says they looked for “simplicity above all.”

“This theatre was built to be functional and to last. We wanted a logo that said that loud and clear. ‘Here’s the stage. Here are the seats.’ We pored through thousands of submissions before we decided on the one that really spoke to us,” she said.

So, what else will be changing at the AOAT?

While Tuatara was coy about any further changes, she was effusive about the possibilities the future holds.

“We took this theatre from classic drama to the Toe-Hair Contest and huge, multi-artist concerts. We’ve done wonders over the years, making it relevant to the daily life of Park residents and we’re looking to build on that success in the future,” she said.

June was bustin’ out all over. Here’s what happened in The Park

By

bear newspaperEnforced Domestication Awareness Month 2016: Official Schedule of Events

Members of Park’s endangered species feel stigmatized: study

Memes of Production, Beasts of Burden to join pop-up at Cackling Goose tonight

Chef Mikko Tikkeri tries to cope with June slump at The Feeding Station

Tab to take on Tavros with launch of “Liberation Libation” at literary awards

“Diary of a Domestic Dog” favoured to win fiction prize at literary awards

Alvin Tinamou’s nest reported missing

Holstein Fashion adds third show to EDAM lineup

Whoa! BRAKING News: What’s in our new section will stop you in your tracks

Farmers, weather makers, tech company reps agree to summit at The Draft

DWBS to Archons, PFO: increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

Tavros-Tricolore war escalates as chef bars radio host from PurrBoy Café

Following in the Barkettes’ footsteps: Belles and Whistles make their debut tonight at Concert for Charity

Following in the Barkettes’ footsteps: Belles and Whistles make their debut tonight at Concert for Charity

By

Belles and Whistles

Belles and Whistles will make their debut at tonight’s Charity Concert

The best kept secret in The Park is a secret no more.

Belles and Whistles, the duo that Thisbe and the Barkettes have been mentoring privately for over a year, will make their debut tonight at the Concert for Charity in honour of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).[pullquote]This is a very emotional night for us. We are so proud of Belles and Whistles. Working with them has been one of the greatest pleasures of our career and we wish them every success.”—Thisbe and the Barkettes [/pullquote]

At a press event this morning, EDAM Official Ambassador Nicoletta Moth confirmed the lineup for the concert, then added, “We are thrilled to announce that, in addition to the aforementioned musicians and singers, we have the honour of introducing for the first time the brand new singing duo, Belles and Whistles.”

Minutes later, Thisbe and the Barkettes posted a picture of the seven singers with a note that read, “This is a very emotional night for us. We are so proud of Belles and Whistles and the work they will embark on this evening. Working with them has been one of the greatest pleasures of our career and we wish them every success. And as we step back from the stage, we once again would like to thank our fans for all the support they’ve shown us over many years. We’re certain you will adore Belles and Whistles and we hope to see you soon at one of their concerts.”

The Barkettes also thanked Canine Music Association president R.F. Aarrf for helping them keep their secret and for delaying the announcement of their CMA certification.

Tonight’s concert at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre will begin at eight o’clock.

Tavros-Tricolore war escalates as chef bars radio host from PurrBoy Café

By

PurrBoy Logo (1)The war of words and deeds between Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros and celebrity chef Tab Tricolore continued today, with the news that the chef has officially barred Tavros from attending Thursday’s Charity Concert After-Party at his PurrBoy Café.

“I won’t let him in the door. I refuse to look at his face,” Tricolore said in a television interview this morning.

The problems between the two began a month ago, when Tavros publicly accused Tricolore of discrimination because he does not allow non-striped Animals at The Tabby Club. Tricolore responded by saying that Tavros was “all bluster” and he ignored his repeated calls to be allowed into the club, which was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

But things turned nasty after Tricolore announced he would introduce his new drink, the “Liberation Libation,” at the Chitter Radio Literary Awards. Tricolore served the drink free of charge to Awards attendees but, as many chefs do, he kept the ingredients and the recipe a secret. Tavros then threatened to publicly “deconstruct” the drink, which he did with the aid of a drinks expert whom he invited to his show. For the past few days, Tavros has been tweeting the drink’s ingredients. And that was the last straw, according to those close to Tricolore.

“Tab can take a lot of personal criticism, but when it comes to his cooking or his business, he lays down the law,” says Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “I’m not at all surprised that he’s barred Tavros from the PurrBoy.”

DWBS to Archons, PFO: Increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

By

Animal Aid RaccoonAs Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) draws to a close, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has embarked on a new campaign to encourage the Archons and the Park Finance Office to allocate more funding to aid immigrants and the survivors of domestication.

In an open letter to the Archons and to PFO head Valentina Abeja, the DWBS cited alarming statistics that suggest that The Park may soon be home to many tens of thousands of Animals who have either escaped enforced domestication or found themselves homeless after the closing of a number of Human-run zoological parks.

“It is imperative that we prepare for this incoming wave of desperate Animals. It is our duty to ensure their safety and security,” the letter states.

The DWBS says there is plenty of time to increase funding for aid, since the 2017 budget likely will not be finalized until late August.

While not openly criticizing Abeja for her first budget, the DWBS suggested the PFO head take a “deeper and broader” look at The Park’s population and at circumstances outside The Park.

“Last year’s budget allocated a mere four percent to immigration and refugee support. This was, at the very least, somewhat naïve and short-sighted,” the letter says.

The DWBS has acknowledged the upcoming meeting of the Archons and the PFO head, which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

“It is our hope that this item will be first on their agenda,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

Farmers, weather makers, tech company reps agree to summit at The Draft

By

Draft with borderBRAKING NEWS

In a surprise move, The Park’s farmers and weather makers and the representatives of some technology companies have agreed to sit down together at The Draft pub and discuss their positions and mutual goals.

In a carefully worded statement released this morning, the three groups acknowledged the assistance in this effort of The Beasts of Burden, who own The Draft, and said they were “cautiously optimistic” that they could come to an agreement that would benefit all residents of The Park.

The series of meetings will begin next month. In a simultaneous statement, The Beasts of Burden announced that their pub will be closed every Tuesday and Thursday in July to accommodate what is now being called, “The Draft Summit.”

The main issue under discussion will be the effect of technology on The Park’s food supply. The issue came to a head in early Spring, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained that through their food-finding apps, technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The SCPCPGF believes that this will negatively affect the “natural pacing” of food finding and will lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages. At one point, they called on technology companies to stop producing their apps until the issue was resolved.

Not surprisingly, technology company representatives disagreed with the SCPCPGF’s assertion and refused to shut down production. They maintain their products enhance the food-finding experience, reduce stress, and save Animals a significant amount of time.

According to today’s statement, the first item of business will be to agree on an agenda. That agenda-setting meeting will take place on July 5.

Central Bank issues annual reminder to Park’s estivators

By

Central Bank of The Park

Pre-estivation deposits must be made by June 28

The Central Bank of The Park issued its annual reminder today, telling all Park residents who intend to estivate this Summer that they should make the final deposits to their accounts by June 28.

According to a Central Bank spokesAnimal, many Park banks have reported that deposits are down from this time last year. Animals may be waiting until the last minute to make their pre-estivation deposits in the hope that interest rates will rise, he says. But that is unlikely to happen.

“The Park Finance Office has been keeping an eye on pre-dormancy and dormancy interest rates for the past year and banks now appear to be towing the line,” he said.

Still, the Central Bank advises estivators to be vigilant and not believe advertisements for artificially high interest rates. If it looks to good to be true, the Bank says, it probably is.

Uzoma Serval, author of BankWoe, agrees.

“There is a painful downside to these extremely high rates,” Serval says. “When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They discover they’ve signed away that right, without even knowing it. And their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more.”

Estivation officially begins on Wednesday, June 29. The Central Bank of The Park will be closed on Thursday, June 30 for its mid-year tally.

Whoa! BRAKING News: What’s in our new section will stop you in your tracks

By

Braking News

Searching for news that will stop you in your tracks? Just look for this symbol.

INTRODUCING…BRAKING News

At The Mammalian Daily, we’re always looking for ways to improve our readers’ experience. We want to make it easier and faster for you stay informed, particularly about issues that affect you directly. And we want to bring these items to your attention as soon as we can.

So, we’ve created a new section on our web site, which we’re calling Whoa! BRAKING News. Starting next week, you’ll be able to go straight to it to find the information that is most important to you. Whether it’s about safety, security, health, or economic issues, you’ll be able to find it in Whoa! BRAKING News.

But we’re not stopping at our web site. We know our readers lead busy lives and they may not be on our site all the time. So, on our Facebook page and on our  Twitter feed, all items that fall into the category of BRAKING News will be marked by a miniature version of the symbol above. When you see that symbol, you’ll know that we consider the information in the attached article to be important to you.

We’re confident that you’ll find our new section a great asset but, of course, it’s still a work-in-progress. If you have your own ideas about what might constitute a BRAKING News story, feel free to get in touch and let us know. In the meantime, we look forward to providing you with news that will stop you in your tracks.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031