The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Tinamou disputes rumour he paid media to join Month Without Metaphor

By

MonthWMAlvin Tinamou took to the airwaves this morning to dispute a claim that he paid some of The Park’s media outlets in exchange for their participation in Month Without Metaphor.

The publisher of the Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the annual media event went on CLucK Radio at eight o’clock this morning to, as he said, “flatly deny” the claim made by the gossip side headsNtales.

“At no time did I even entertain the idea of offering compensation for participation,” Tinamou told interviewer Mayumi Manok.

Tinamou admitted he was worried about the participation numbers, but he told Manok that since Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas acquiesced to the pressure to name her reporters, “a large number” of media outlets had signed on.

“We’re not yet up to last year’s numbers, but we’re confident that we’ll get there,” Tinamou said.

As for the claim of compensation for participation, headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says she stands by her story.

“Tinamou can sing whatever song he chooses, but we have the facts and we can prove them,” she says.

CLucK Radio is owned by AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, and The Avian Messenger.

Sierpinski Squirrel appointed head judge of 2016 Toe-Hair Contest

By

Sierpinski

Sierpinski Squirrel:  head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest

Sierpinski Squirrel will serve as head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest.

At a press event held this morning at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, Aintza Kanariar of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, made the formal announcement:

“We are thrilled to announce that the very competent Sierpinski Squirrel has agreed to serve as head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest,” she said.

“As perhaps The Park’s premier financial advisor, Sierpinski Squirrel has proven himself to be a great judge in his own field and an outstanding team leader in all respects,” Kanariar said.

In making the announcement, the longtime Director of Public Relations for the body that chooses the judges emphasized the importance of the position of head judge:

“The position is an important one because, should there be a tie, the head judge, who is an Animal with greater expertise than the other judges, has the ability to choose the winner. It is a position of responsibility that calls for a great deal of knowledge and personal integrity,” she said.

The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners has found himself in demand recently. Last December, he was asked, on very short notice, to join the Archon Transition Team, replacing Blandine Okapi who had resigned due to what she called  “philosophical differences.” Sierpinski Squirrel stepped up and by all accounts did an admirable job, according to Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS).

“He made the job his own, which is quite an accomplishment for an Animal who has never been formally involved in politics.”

At the press announcement yesterday, Kanariar also announced the other four members of the judging panel: Antonio Marcelo, Clementina Araña, Quinta Caribou, and S. Irving Gecko.

The Toe-Hair Contest, which is in its 21st year, is set to commence at 10:00 a.m. Park time on May 1.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

By

ContractsThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

By

The Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

Court reaffirms right to remain stupid

By

Mr Justice Augustus DindonIn a landmark decision handed down this morning, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court kept alive the vision of The Park’s founder and reaffirmed the right of every Animal to remain stupid.

The decision, which will be posted in full outside the Court House tomorrow, came after a deliberation of more than five months. The decision was in response to an action brought by a collective that included the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), the heads of admission of all The Park’s educational institutions, professionals from the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, and one hundred Animals known as the “concerned conglomerate.”

In their action, the collective argued that increasing apathy among the citizenry and the lack of formal education undermine the survival and prosperity of The Park. They asked the court to supersede the Archons and enact a law requiring all Park citizens to attend school.

The collective’s argument before the court in October was kept a secret from all except those directly involved in the proceedings. That decision was made to prevent the collective from initiating an awareness campaign they believed might sway the court’s decision.

During the deliberation period, Justice Dindon accepted submissions from The Department of Well-Being and Safety, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and from medical and psychological experts on both sides of the argument. In addition, he called on Park historians to, as he said, “help me understand the founding vision of The Park.”

In the opening paragraph of the decision, Justice Dindon said he relied heavily on these words of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy: “We cannot force our views upon the citizenry; we can only inspire them to look beyond themselves and aid them in their search for a just and better life for all.”

TMD managing editor schedules press conference Monday morning

By

Extra! Extra!BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily’s managing editor Orphea Haas has scheduled a press conference Monday morning to respond to the ongoing criticism of the paper’s policy of hiding the names of its reporters.

In a statement released at eleven o’clock this morning, Haas announced that on Monday morning at nine o’clock she would make a “full response” to the ongoing pressure regarding the matter.

In a separate incident, Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros took to Twitter this morning to begin his campaign of publishing the names of all known Mammalian Daily reporters. A spokesAnimal for Haas’s office said the Tavros tweet was not related in any way to her decision.

Tinamou blames TMD’s Haas for drop in Month Without Metaphor participants

By

MonthWMThree’s usually a charm, but it looks as if Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor could end up being anything but, unless more media outlets sign on to participate.

The drop in the number of committed participants is “alarming” says Alvin Tinamou, who is one of the organizers of the May event.

“At this time last year, we were going great guns, to use an apt metaphor,” the publisher of The Avian Messenger wrote today in an open letter in his own newspaper.

“Our objective in establishing the annual Month Without Metaphor was to encourage Park media to be introspective. Accepting the challenge of reporting for a month without using metaphors means having to take a very close look at the way we communicate with our readers and how honestly we tell our stories. What Haas has done is to change our focus. Instead of looking at ourselves, many in Park media are looking at The Mammalian Daily and asking why Haas feels justified in holding her paper to a different standard. I challenge Haas to name her journalists and to stop distracting her readers by using tactics such as a ban on Human jokes,” he wrote.

Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), says he agrees with Tinamou.

“Enough is enough,” he said in a radio interview this morning. “We’ve been calling for this for years and I think the time is right for Haas to make the change. We all [Park media] need to be open and transparent. To use a well-worn metaphor, we all need to be on the same page.”

Month Without Metaphor runs from May 1-May 31. Park media have until the end of April to sign on to participate.

Follow participants on Twitter at sansmetaphore.

Raimundo Zorro strikes again: new web site violates conditions of sentence

By

Raimundo Zorro

Raimundo Zorro

DEVELOPING STORY

Raimundo Zorro has struck again.

Zorro, who was convicted last August on two counts of inciting hate by owning and operating the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appears to have violated the conditions of his sentence by starting a new web site.

Zorro’s sentence, which was handed down on September 11, 2015 by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, prohibited him from hosting “any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.”

But today, police confirmed the existence of a new web site hosted by Zorro.

“It appears that Zorro is up to his old tricks,” Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said at a press conference early this morning.

“We were alerted to the existence of the new site by Hortencia Guacamayo of headsNtales, and we would like to express our gratitude to her for demonstrating a commitment to interspecial harmony,” he said.

Addax offered only scant details about the site, which is called, “BANDland.” He confirmed that the site uses technology to track the movements of The Park’s striped community but would not say what he believes Zorro intends to do with that information.

“No matter what his intentions, the site is a violation of the privacy and security of our striped citizens and a violation of the conditions of his sentence,” Addax said.

The SHCU Chief Inspector also confirmed that police initiated steps this morning to have the site taken down. A warrant has been issued for Zorro’s arrest.

First quarter results prove opening on Groundhog Day a profitable move

By

Groundhog Day specialsFirst quarter results indicate that the Park Finance Office (PFO) did the right thing when it listened to the business community this past Winter and allowed shops to stay open on Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day.

“We are very grateful to the Park Finance Office and, in particular, to PFO head Valentina Abeja, for supporting our community so strongly,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), in a statement released by the Association today.

According to Whistlepig, Park businesses reported average profits of more than double those of the same period last year.

“This should convince the Archons, the PFO, and Park citizens that a permanent change should be made to the law,” the statement says.

That assertion could signal the start of another major battle in The Park, as the issue of allowing shops to open on Groundhog Day and other holidays has been a contentious one. Those on both sides have argued passionately, but the Archons and the PFO have been reluctant to make any permanent move.

Such a move would require a change in the law, which could only be made after the receipt of submissions from business and the citizenry, followed by a full and open debate, says Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier. And that, she says, could take years.

“I think this informal arrangement might be more beneficial than an overhaul of the law,” she said at the time the announcement was made about this year’s opening.

Others in The Park agree.

“We need to look at all the factors responsible for the rise in profit before we make any changes to the law,” says Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners. “Much more study needs to be done.”

TMD Exclusive: Millicent Hayberry and Gianfranco Colocolo in conversation

By

MillicentHayberry

The Burrow Theatre is uncharacteristically bright this afternoon, as it will be every day and night that Millicent Hayberry is on stage here playing an unwitting—and unwilling—detective in the highly-anticipated series of mysteries written by Gianfranco Colocolo.

The first play in the series, Godwit, opens tonight at 8:00 pm.

We caught up with both Hayberry and the author during rehearsals at The Park’s Burrow Theatre.

TMD: Thank you for doing this. We know it’s a busy time for you.

MH: We’re delighted. We’re just taking a bit of a break anyway.

GC: Well, Millicent is taking a break. I’m pacing.

TMD: That’s funny. Are you nervous about the gala opening tonight?

GC: Not so much nervous as…well, nervous.

MH: You have nothing to be nervous about!

TMD: Do you have anything to be nervous about?

GC: I don’t, really. I just don’t take anything for granted. It’s been a long haul and I can’t wait to see the audience’s reaction to my work.

TMD: This is your first play…well, set of plays, really. You did have your bestselling novel, Murder at the Fishbowl, made into a movie. But what was different about this process?

GC: Nothing but everything. Night and day. I’ve never written anything that was meant to be performed. Up until now, everything I’ve done was meant to be read. It’s a much different perspective for a writer, to be thinking constantly of another person interpreting your work.

TMD: Did you have anyone in mind while you were writing?

GC: I didn’t and I see now that that would have made it much easier…if I had. If I were to write another set of these plays, I think there’s no doubt they’d be written with Millicent in mind, even if she declined.

MH: I can’t imagine declining.

GC: Even so. Millicent is such a brilliant actress that she’s made the part her own. Even when I read the play to myself now, I hear every word in her voice. It’s quite remarkable.

MH: That is humbling, Gianfranco.

TMD: What is it about the mystery genre that attracts you? I want to ask both of you, but Gianfranco first.

GC: Well, as I told Yannis Tavros on his show a few days ago, I’ve found that you can tell the truth, the honest truth, in the mystery genre and you don’t get the kind of backlash from it that you do elsewhere.

TMD: Do you know why that is? Do you have a theory?

GC: I think there’s a long history of it, but I don’t really know why. I don’t know why some ideas are accepted in one form, but not in another. You’d think that would apply to all fiction, but I’ve found that it doesn’t. You can throw off a line that would be stinging in another genre, but you get nods of approval for it in mystery.

TMD: So you can get away with a lot in the genre, then?

GC: Oh, I don’t think you’re getting away with anything! I think you’d better be right if you’re going to do it. But if you are, I think your audience will allow you to, is what I’m saying.

TMD: What do you think, Millicent?

MH: I agree with Gianfranco. Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard him say it, so I may just be getting won over. But I do think there’s something to that. The truth is the least accepted thing anywhere. We gloss over it, we deny it, on a constant basis. I think there are perhaps two places where the truth wins out: here in mystery and in comedy.

TMD: You are most famous for your rôle in the autobiographical one-Chipmunk play, Mixed Nuts. Wouldn’t you say that autobiography is another area of truth-telling?

MH: You would think so, wouldn’t you? But you wouldn’t believe how much backlash writers get for their autobiographical material. There is a lot of arguing about the truth that goes on. Of course, we all have a different truth, so that’s probably the reason.

TMD: Was there a lot of backlash about Mixed Nuts?

MH: By the time I got involved with it, there wasn’t. But Imogen [Aardeekhoorn] experienced a great deal of it. Even I was surprised at that.

TMD: Millicent, I opened this interview by saying that The Burrow Theatre seemed uncharacteristically bright this afternoon. Am I correct in saying that?

MH: You are, indeed. I brought the very talented Constantine Lampris with me for that purpose. He did the lighting for Mixed Nuts at the [Park] Repertory Theatre. Constantine knows me so well. He knows I don’t see very well in the dark. He lights the stage so that I don’t fall or trip, but it doesn’t get in the way of the play or the audience. I don’t think I could perform live without him.

TMD: I just have one more question. What are you hoping for with this production? What would you consider a win? Gianfranco?

GC: Well, I suppose a win for me would be for the critics to say it was a well-written set of plays. But once it’s been lifted off the page and put on stage, I think a win is really for the cast. A play isn’t much without the cast. At least these aren’t. They’re meant to be dynamic, not static. So, I guess, a win in my view would be the audience’s appreciation of Millicent’s work, as well as that of the other talented actors here.

TMD: Millicent?

MH: I have to throw that right back at Gianfranco and say that a win for me would be appreciation of his words. But beyond that, if the audience comes away with a feeling of satisfaction, that they’ve been entertained and enjoyed themselves and if they’d like to do it again soon, I think that’s the biggest win we could have.

TMD: Thank you both for your time this afternoon. Break a tail tonight!

MH: My pleasure.

GC: Mine, as well.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2026
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031