The Mammalian Daily

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Many Animals blame calendar harmonization for economic woes

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Original Park Calendar

The Park retired the Varrrian calendar in 2012 and adopted the Human Gregorian calendar.

Many Animals blame calendar harmonization for both their personal economic woes and the persistent sluggishness of The Park’s economy, say the results of a recent survey.

The late Autumn questionnaire, which was conducted jointly by The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) and the Park Finance Office asked five key questions regarding personal finance and the state of the economy. The results show a significant number of Animals, though not a majority, believe it was a mistake to harmonize the calendar with that of those living outside The Park.

“It’s an idea that took hold in Animals’ minds well before harmonization and it stuck,” says current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig, whose group began lobbying for calendar harmonization six years before it took effect.

“I don’t think it’s been fully understood by some but I also believe that the hardship experienced over the past few years has made Animals more likely to blame one thing rather than to look deeper at the number of different factors that might have led to our problems,” he says.

A cornerstone of the 2010 Archons’ “Agenda for Modernization,” The Park’s original Varrian calendar was fully retired in December, 2012. The calendar now in use is known outside The Park as the Human Gregorian calendar. The last printed copy of the Varrian calendar will reside permanently in the Park Museum, which is set to open on March 1.

In a statement released yesterday, the new head of the Park Finance Office said she is taking some time to review the results of the late 2014 public consultations on the budget. After that, she will begin making recommendations for a 2015 budget, which she intends to present before the end of the first quarter. No mention was made of whether reverting to the original calendar was among the suggestions tabled.

Barkettes’ songs to be translated into different Animal languages

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halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have embarked on a new project: the translation of some of their biggest hits into a number of different Animal languages.[pullquote]We sincerely hope that other musicians and artists will follow suit and allow us all to enjoy the wonderful creativity of Park Animals. — Thisbe and the Barkettes[/pullquote]

In a statement released yesterday by their manager Hilde Blaft, the group explained their reasons for making the historic decision:

“After much reflection and in the service of interspecial harmony, Thisbe and the Barkettes have decided to release some of our most beloved songs in a number of different Animal languages.

Recent events in The Park have highlighted tensions that have grown among the different species that live in The Park. We feel that, as much as possible, we all need to bridge those gaps that have developed. To this end, we have engaged the services of several renowned translators to enable members of other species to enjoy our music. We sincerely hope that other musicians and artists will follow suit and allow us all to enjoy the wonderful creativity of Park Animals.”

The group did not give any specific date for the release of the music, nor the names of the songs that will be translated. But the gossip site headsNtales reported last week that the group has talked to a number of Feline and Avian translators and had signed a contract with RODOlphin Translation, the firm that works closely with the University of West Terrier.

headsNtales also reported that the Barkettes intended to donate a percentage of the proceeds from the sales of the translated works to a charity. The gossip site did not name the charity.

Archons move on budget, appoint new head of Park Finance Office

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Bee 2012 A1

Valentina Abeja has signed on to be PFO head for next two years

Moving swiftly on the matter of preparing a budget for the current year, the 2015 Archons announced today that Valentina Abeja will assume the rôle of head of the Park Finance Office for at least the next two years.

At a press conference held this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta confirmed the appointment, saying, “The 2015 Archons and the Park Finance Office are delighted that Valentina Abeja has agreed to take on the onerous task of preparing a suitable budget for The Park. We will welcome her officially on February 15th and we look forward to working with her.”

Abeja, Alouatta emphasized, arrives with impressive credentials.

“She has significant financial as well as Animal skills,” he said, “having she spent the past few years working as an analyst at The Park’s All Species Credit and Commercial Bank (ASCCB).”

Abeja will succeed Milton Struts, whose tenure lasted more than six years, but who was relieved of his duties this past November after a series of scandals related to his allegedly accepting food from Humans and using his position of influence to encourage Human tourism in The Park. Struts is currently the subject of an investigation headed by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon.

See also:

Reaction to 2015 “streamlined” budget: from outrage to high praise
Struts out; new budget to be tabled in November 

Groundhog Day roundup: Record turnout, new budget in the works

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Walmond Murmeltier

2015 POPS Walmond Murmeltier emerges from his burrow on February 2

It was a groundbreaking celebration, in more ways than one. Here are a few tidbits to round up the day:

  • According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence
  • For the first time in over a decade, ill health kept chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. from the celebrations. In his stead, Oscar Woodchuck did a fine job
  • Eight different food providers staffed the food stations
  • This was the first Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat
  • For the first time in the history of the event, a short play was performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company
  • The Archons’ Address lasted 17 minutes and included a tribute to Jor, the founder of zoocracy
  • The 2015 Archons promised to bring in a budget in the first two months of their tenure and to make the issue of inequality among the species a priority
  • The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3
  • Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebration. Four Animals were taken to hospital and seventeen were treated on-site

Yannis Tavros to host fourth annual “Pundits’ Parlour” on Tuesday

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YannisTavros For the fourth year in a row, Yannis Tavros will host his “Pundits’ Parlour” on Tuesday, February 3.

Toro Talk Radio programming director Manfred Stier confirmed today that The Park’s best known political pundits will again express their views on our incoming government on Tavros’s popular show.

“Yannis [Tavros] will once again relinquish his usual talk show format to moderate what has become a very popular annual forum,” Stier said.

This year’s guests include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, UWT Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces, UWT Professor of History Beatrice Zilonis, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Also invited back are Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post, and Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct Professor of Human Studies.

Tavros also reached out to beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte to join the group, Stier said, but thus far has had no response. Rotte has agreed to speak about his recent experiences on Tavros’s show, but no date has yet been set.

Gunnar Rotte: We are very sorry

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SorryDear Gunnar Espen Rotte:

After the backlash of the past weeks, our editors have had to look deep into their hearts, and in a number of areas, they’ve found themselves wanting.

Two weeks ago, we published a photo of you holding two pies that you bought at a bakery outside The Park. The article we published was about your claim that you’d been assaulted during the course of purchasing the pies. Alongside the article, we ran a photo of you holding the pies.

As you and your supporters have pointed out to us for the past ten days, we made a grievous error when we chose the photo. Although it was never our intention to do so, when we used that photograph, we made you look like a happy pie thief rather than as a customer who had suffered maltreatment.

We were wrong. Now, we would like to make it right.

Please accept our sincere apology. We should have given more time and thought to our choice of image. It was a hasty decision made by editors who work on a strict deadline, but that is neither a reason nor an excuse.

The Mammalian Daily takes its rôle seriously. Our duty is to present — and to represent — the story accurately. On this occasion, however, we failed to do the latter and that failure caused harm to you. We are very sorry.

In the next few weeks, we will be holding a series of meetings with our reporting and editorial staff to discuss the ways in which we can avoid repeating this mistake. We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to join us and to help us understand better the position of those whose stories we tell in our newspaper.

But, for now, we hope you will accept our sincere apology.

Sincerely,
Orphea Haas
Managing Editor
The Mammalian Daily

Nesthetics remains mum on prognostication pad design

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Groundhog Day celebrationsNesthetics, the company that won the contract to design and construct the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations, is staying mum about the details of its new product.

A short statement released this morning said that “at this time” the company does not wish to disclose any details regarding the pad:

Due to the importance of the occasion and the great responsibility that we have undertaken, we feel it would be inappropriate at this time to discuss any of the aspects related to the construction of the 2015 prognostication pad.

We are confident that upon unveiling the pad on February 2, the Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), the Archons, and all Park citizens will be pleased with its design and function.

We look forward to celebrating Groundhog Day with our fellow Park residents.

Meanwhile, gossip site headsNtales has posted what it claims is a verified photograph of the prototype of the 2015 prognostication pad. The photograph shows an oval green mound that has a border of small yellow flowers.

Nesthetics has refused to comment on the site’s photograph.

Without even a budget, what will be the legacy of our 2014 government?

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2014 ArchonsA failed budget, citizen unrest, poverty, threats to safety, interspecial tension …

The list of The Park’s problems is long but the shorter one, it appears, is that of the accomplishments of the 2014 Archons.

“Things looked so promising … with [Chief Archon] Buckminster Moose and his take-charge attitude. We thought he could really set The Park straight,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger during an interview on CLucK Radio yesterday.

“But then he disappeared. He faded into the background and all The Park’s problems came to the fore. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve had no actual leaders this year.”

Grouse isn’t the only one who feels this way. The results of a survey conducted last month by the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier indicate that Park Animals are even more disillusioned by the 2014 government than they were by the government of 2013.

“Last year, respondents were disappointed. This year, it appears, they are also angry,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, the Livingstone School’s head.

“They feel The Park is stagnating and even more, that perhaps zoocracy isn’t working. And there is a surprising amount of support for a change in the way we choose governments,” she says.

While Dr. Cissa stopped short of criticizing sortition (the current method of selecting a government), she did say she thought Park Animals might be ready for a “free and full” discussion of other options.

Meanwhile, all 35 of the 2014 Archons are in seclusion for the next few days, awaiting the announcement of the names of their successors and, possibly, re-fashioning their legacy while there is still time.

Lawsuit brought by Simply Structures may “have legs,” says legal expert

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jgroundhogdayThe lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.

At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.

According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.

Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.

“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.

The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.

He’s baaaack! Leaner and “mellower” Tab Tricolore returns to The Park

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Tab TricoloreRenowned chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has returned to The Park and is back at work, says the manager of Tricolore’s fine dining restaurant, Klo.

“He’s been scooting around the kitchen here for a few days now and we’re already starting to get sick of him,” joked manager Léopard Mirepoix in a radio interview this morning.

Tricolore, himself, has not spoken to the media and, according to Mirepoix, has not mentioned his absence at all.

“It’s as if he was never gone, though he has acknowledged the tremendous support of Park residents. He said he found it overwhelming and intends to thank everyone formally in the coming weeks.”

Mirepoix said he’s found Tricolore “mellower” since his return.

“He has definitely mellowed out. You can see it in his face. Before, the stripes on his face were zig-zagged; he was always in a hurry, always suffering from stress. Now, [the stripes] they’re straight … he has a smile on his face. And he’s lost a bit of weight. I don’t know whether that’s because he wasn’t fed or what. Only he can tell us. But he isn’t in distress; if anything, he’s happier than before.”

Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla says he’s not surprised that Tricolore is back at work.

“Food is his first love. I think, in many ways, it is his only love. And it would be his comfort, no matter what. Whether he’s sadder or happier, food is where he would go first. I’m glad he’s come back,” says Burmilla.

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