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Pre-hibernation sales “brisk” as Park awaits results of POPS election

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Web

2014 pre-hibernation sales are brisk, shopkeepers and service providers report

Hibernation outfitters and service providers are pleased with their sales thus far, according to the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

“2014 looks like a banner year and it comes as a bit of a surprise,” said founder and current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig this morning in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio.

Shopkeepers and grooming houses are reporting “brisk” business this season and the banks have reported larger than average deposits.

“If sales continue at this rate, we could match last year’s figures or even surpass them, which would be an amazing feat, considering that we had two extra weeks of shopping last year,” Whistlepig said.

The 2013 pre-hibernation season was extended from November 17 to December 1, due to difficulties in calculating the votes and establishing a winner in the election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS). The result was an increase in retail sales as well as an increase in expenditures in the construction sector, as Animals used the extra time to renovate their hibernation quarters or to build new ones.

This year, though, the Park Election Office says we can expect the results to be announced well before November 17, the official date of hibernation.

“Gone are the days of next-day results,” Park Election Office head Gerrit Wezel says.

“Our exploding population and the skyrocketing growth in the number of candidates make that impossible. But I can guarantee that we will have the results by the weekend,” he says.

The announcement likely will result in a rush to make last-minute arrangements, so Whistlepig is quick to remind Park Animals that shops will be closed until 1:00 p.m. on Friday, November 14 in order to celebrate the ceremonies of the Surrender of the Nut.

Stripe removal most sought-after service: grooming houses

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This Zebra is among the many Animals who have used stripe removal services this year

The Park’s grooming houses are experiencing a sharp spike in the number of requests for their stripe removal services, according to survey results reported in the October newsletter of The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).[pullquote]I think we should take a close look at these statistics and find a way to help our striped and spotted populations so they don’t need to feel they have to do this to survive[economically]. We should all be able to be who we are. — Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage [/pullquote]

In the newsletter, representatives of The Park’s major grooming houses report that the number of completed procedures has increased 190% in the past two years.

These statistics were among others gathered through questionnaires that were sent to PASS members. According to Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current PASS president, the survey is carried out annually “to take our members’ temperature, to assess the state of the economy, and to see what the Association can do for its members.”

The stripe removal statistics are “a disturbing trend,” the grooming houses admit.

“And those statistics don’t even include the number of inquiries or, as we call them, incomplete procedures,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.

At Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, proprietor Amoltrud says that although she advises her clients against the procedure, her salon was forced to include the service in their offerings last year “in order to keep up with the competition.”

“Sometimes we do things we don’t believe in, so that we can continue to do the things we do believe in,” she says.

Meanwhile, Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage calls stripe removal “a growth industry.”

“I see no end in sight,” she says.

Her shop was the first of The Park’s grooming houses to offer such a service but she says she never thought it would become a popular option.

“We can’t ignore the economic reasons for the rise in popularity. I think we should take a close look at these statistics and find a way to help our striped and spotted populations so they don’t need to feel they have to do this to survive [economically]. We should all be able to be who we are,” she says.

See also:
Two years on, striped and spotted Animals see little economic progress
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species

Simply Structures sues after losing bid to build 2015 prognostication pad

By

jgroundhogday

Simply Structures files suit over loss of contract for 2015 prognostication pad

BREAKING NEWS
Simply Structures has filed suit against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations after losing its bid to construct the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations.

In a short statement issued to media early this afternoon, the 2014 Archons confirmed that they had received notice of the suit.

“It is with regret that we confirm that Simply Structures, one of The Park’s oldest and most respected construction companies, with whom we have a longstanding relationship, has filed suit against us and against the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, for damages related to loss of income and alleged defamation. We are saddened by the company’s decision, but we intend to meet these allegations head-on in the days and months to come,” the statement reads.

The construction company is believed to have engaged the services of the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg in mid-October, after they were informed by the department that they had lost their bid. The department announced at the same time that they had selected Nesthetics as the builder of the 2015 prognostication pad.

Struts out; new budget to be tabled in late November: PFO

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Milton Struts has been relieved of his duties as of November 3

BREAKING NEWS
Park Finance Officer Milton Struts has been “relieved of his duties as of November 3, 2014,” according to a communiqué distributed to Park media this afternoon.

In the communiqué, all 35 of the 2014 Archons who signed it laud Struts for his “dedication and hard work on behalf of Park citizens,” but they say simply, “it is time for a change.”

“Familiarity with a subject clouds the vision,” they say in the communiqué,” and The Park’s finances “call for clear, fresh eyes.”

To that end, The Park Finance Office says it will appoint a panel of financial experts to produce a completely new 2015 budget. A new head of the Finance Office will be named some time in the new year.

Struts, a longtime employee of the Park Finance Office, rose to prominence over the last decade and became its head six years ago. Known for his steadfast support of Park citizens. particularly refugees and immigrants, Struts was the architect of the last five Park budgets, including the most recent — and most controversial — 2015 budget, which he presented on August 30.

Struts was last seen attending the awards ceremony at the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF). He did not appear at last Tuesday’s annual Account of the State of The Park.

Finance Officer Milton Struts “strangely absent” from State of The Park Account

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Finance Officer Milton Struts was nowhere to be seen during Tuesday’s Account of the State of The Park

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was not in attendance on Tuesday afternoon as the Park Archons delivered their annual Account of The State of The Park.

After repeated requests for clarification by members of The Park’s media, the PFO finally issued a statement this morning, confirming that the architect of the controversial 2015 budget was absent from Tuesday’s proceedings.

Although the short statement offered no explanation for Struts’s absence, many in The Park believe that he has fallen ill as a result of eating food that was offered to him by Humans.

Struts was last seen in public earlier this month when he attended the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards ceremony. By all accounts, he looked well that evening, though some said they thought he was showing signs of stress.

“Considering the treatment he received [that night], I thought he was holding up fantastically,” says Konrad Eule, who saw Struts beat back spitballs and suffer bites from a group of Animals.

Struts was ushered into the Cinema that night but was not seen exiting and it was believed at the time that he stayed inside until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.

Though theories abound as to his whereabouts and the reason he stayed away from the State of The Park Account, no definitive statement has been made by him or on his behalf.

Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Human: rumour

By

headsNtales

Gossip site says Struts accepted food from a Human last month

Beleaguered Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is in the news again, this time for what may be a major indiscretion on his part.

The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget accepted food from a Human less than a month ago.

According to the site, Struts was strolling through The Park when he encountered a pair of adult Humans carrying a picnic basket. The site alleges that Struts “willingly” accepted an offer of food from the basket.

“This did not appear to be a case of coercion,” headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said in an interview on CLucK Radio this morning.

“From what we can tell, Struts was free to decline, but he chose not to.”

While Guacamayo claims the gossip site is in possession of photographs that prove the story, no hard evidence has appeared on the site since the original story was posted on Saturday.

If, in fact, it can be proven that Struts accepted the food, he could be found in violation of Section III.iv.vii of The Park’s Employee Conduct Act, which stipulates that no Animal currently employed by any branch of The Park’s government “shall request or accept from any Animal any form of remuneration, including currency, food, shelter, entertainment or other, inside or outside The Park.”

Park Repertory Theatre to raise funds from tours of Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

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The Park Repertory Theatre will host tours of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

The burrow of the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn will be the subject of a series of guided tours hosted by the Park Repertory Theatre, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

The tours will help the theatre raise much-needed funds, according to Chief Executive, Valencienne Castor.

“We struggle to make ends meet and Imogen was well aware of the situation. I believe that was one of the reasons she left the burrow to the theatre,” Castor says.

Aardeekhoorn, who died this past July, willed her burrow to the theatre on the condition that it remain as it was found after her death. Castor is adamant that “nothing has been touched or moved” since the will was probated by the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg.

Before the probate, there was talk of opening a second stage in the burrow or a studio space for students of the Millicent Hayberry Centre for the Study of Drama and Performance at the University of West Terrier. Those plans have been shelved, at least for now, said Castor, in part due to funding issues.

“We are not able, at this time, to contemplate opening a second space and we do not want to enter into a competition with the Burrow Theatre,” Castor told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our goal is to honour Imogen’s wishes and we know that she wanted the Park Repertory Theatre to survive.”

Simply Structures loses bid to build 2015 prognostication pad

By

jgroundhogday

Simply Structures has lost the bid to construct the 2015 prognostication pad

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced today that it has selected Nesthetics as the provider of the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad.

In a short statement released this morning, the department said it was impressed by the company’s bid and by the foresight it demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

This is a huge blow to Simply Structures, the company that has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the prognostication pad for over ten years.

In the statement, the department acknowledged its longstanding relationship with Simply Structures, expressing appreciation for their work in the past and saying it hopes they will bid again for the job in the coming years.

Simply Structures has made no response to the decision thus far, but The Park’s business leaders say they are flabbergasted by the decision.

“Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think this has to do with last year’s shadow controversy,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this afternoon.

“And I think it’s despicable if that’s the case, because they’re letting a few disgruntled Animals who didn’t like the prediction to dictate the fate of a very good business.”

Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, agrees.

“This will be a huge blow to their bottom line and, quite frankly, I don’t think the decision is justified,” he said. “I think it’s a knee-jerk reaction. They’re covering themselves in case the same kind of controversy occurs this year and I don’t think that’s the right move.”

The controversy last year began seconds after Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), declared that The Park could expect another six weeks of Winter because she had seen her shadow. A group of disgruntled spectators claimed the shadow that Marmotte had seen was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the Prognostication Pad.

The organizers brought in a team of shadow experts to rule on the matter and they decided that, given the paw and claw that appeared on the artists’ tracings, the shadow must indeed have been Marmotte’s. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon signed the Official POPS’ Proclamation.

A lawsuit filed by the group of disgruntled spectators was thrown out of the courts a short time later.

Park Finance Officer mobbed at last night’s PIFF awards ceremony

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalPark Finance Officer Milton Struts was mobbed last night, according to witnesses, as he attempted to enter the Park Cinema for the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards presentation.

Several attendees, some of whom were producers whose films were up for awards, said that four of the Guard Dogs stationed at the entrance had to intervene when a group representing the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) started to bite Struts as he passed by.

One witness said that some of the Animals pulled at Struts’s feathers, while another confirmed that “more than one” sent spitballs his way.

“They were hopping mad [about the budget] and they weren’t going to let him pass without letting him know,” said one source who wished to remain anonymous.

Other Animals claimed that Stan the Spit Man, whose signature slogan is “Spitballs from Heaven!” instigated the attack on Struts as a publicity stunt to promote his business.

“There was sort of a pop-up spit shop right behind the Park Cinema. I saw it,” said witness Konrad Eule.

Calls to Stan the Spit Man have not been answered directly, but through a spokesAnimal, Stan denied any involvement in the campaign against Struts.

“Stan the Spit Man does not involve himself in politics,” the spokesAnimal said. “Nor does he endorse the use of spitballs for political purposes.”

Struts, who was ushered into the Cinema for the awards presentation, was not seen exiting at the end of the evening. He is believed to have stayed at the Cinema until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.

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