The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

SplotchWatch web site a dangerous sign of the times, say Park Police

By

SplotchWatch

Web site names those who have had spots or stripes removed

A new web site could mean trouble for Park Animals and, ultimately, for zoocracy itself, Park Police tell The Mammalian Daily.

The web site, called “SplotchWatch,” has been under surveillance “for a few months now,” according to Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU).

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” he says. “It’s a dangerous sign of the times.”

The owner and operator of the site, whose name police will not reveal at this time, believes it is in the interest of “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

“The owner of the site seems to believe that there is something intrinsically dishonest about that [stripe or spot removal] and his mission is to ensure that all Park Animals are made aware of this form of deception,” Addax says.

Police will continue to watch activity on the site and assess the effect it may or may not be having on Park life.

“If we see that the site is inducing hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals, we will move in swiftly,” he says.

Otherwise, the operator of the web site is acting within his rights.

“He [the site’s owner] is walking a fine line here,” says Addax. “And we hope he realizes it.”

With or without him, Tricolore’s resto to serve food at Winter Celebration

By

Tab Tricolore

The celebration will go on, with or without Tab Tricolore

The celebration must go on, they say. So, with or without their boss, Tab Tricolore’s restaurant will be serving food at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

In a statement released this morning, Aintza Kanariar, public relations director of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations confirmed that Tricolore’s family restaurant, Clowder, will be among the establishments providing the celebration’s festive fare.

“We checked with Clowder’s manager and he says all systems are go,” Kanariar said when asked to elaborate on the subject in a radio interview this afternoon.

“I think we all feel that it’s what Tab would want,” she said.

In an article published yesterday in The Silvestris Star, Tricolore’s former saucier Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla said all Tricolore’s staff members were “pulling together” to make sure the restaurants ran smoothly in their boss’s absence.

“We miss him and we need him, and we want to make sure that there are no problems for him when he finally returns,” Burmilla said.

In the meantime, Park Police say they have no news on Tricolore’s whereabouts.

UWT Human Studies course will use television to teach Human motivation

By

University of West Terrier coat of armsThe Department of Human Studies at The University of West Terrier has green-lighted a new course that will use footage of Human television shows to teach students about Human motivation.

In a brief announcement posted on the university’s web site yesterday, the President and the Board of Governors of the university confirmed the addition of the new course to the undergraduate curriculum.

“The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier and the head of the Department of Human Studies are pleased to announce the expansion of the Department’s curriculum in 2015,” the announcement reads.

As of September 2015, the announcement says, students who are attending the University and have completed at least one full year of study will be eligible to enrol in the new course, which is listed as HS 207.

Although the course description has not been finalized, the head of the Human Studies Department confirmed that learning materials will include footage of television shows that are made by and watched by Humans.

“Thanks to an agreement signed last January between the University of West Terrier and the Avian Messenger’s ‘Birds on the Wire,’® service, we have been able to obtain footage of some Human television programming. This material has proven to be extremely valuable in the understanding of  Human motivation and the Human value system and we feel fortunate to be able to offer this to our students,” she said.

The announcement did not include any information regarding the course instructor, but many believe the department will appoint Noreen, since she has expertise in the field. The adjunct professor is currently on leave to promote her book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans and will return to her teaching duties in the Autumn.

The full announcement from the University can be read here.

Inktvis and Krake to join lineup for Celebration of the Winter Solstice

By

3-hearts-1-headInktvis and Krake will be joining the lineup of musical performers at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice, their agent confirmed today.

In a short communiqué released this morning, the agent said they were “very much looking forward to performing at this joyful celebration.”

This will be the second time the aquatic duo has performed at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice and the live performance coincides with the re-release of their most successful collection, 3 Hearts, 1 Head.

Other performers who have confirmed their appearance this year are The Feral Four, Eggie and the Pigs, SCENTient Beings, and The Beasts of Burden. For the third year in a row, the Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work choreographed for the occasion.

The full itinerary for the event will be released shortly, according to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

Newspaper editorial should not be ignored, say Park’s aid groups

By

Rodent Commoner

 

An editorial published last week that has ignited a firestorm of protest, has endangered the life of its writer, and has resulted in a curfew and a ban on travel outside The Park “should not be ignored,” say members of The Park’s aid groups.

“[Reporter Gunnar Espen] Rotte makes a valid point, in that you don’t have to have stripes or spots to be treated badly, inside or outside The Park,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, head of the aid association Rodents at Risk.

“Almost all of us have all suffered from some sort of prejudice in our lives,” she says.

Inez Gallina, president of the immigrant aid group Home to Roost, agrees: “It’s not just prejudice. It’s more than that. I sometimes think it’s a holdover from the way we’re treated outside The Park. I think it spills over into our immigrants’ lives here. Native Park citizens make assumptions about us, based on what they’ve heard outside The Park. It can be devastating to a new immigrant, especially a refugee,” she says.

But Hendrik Dalmatiër of the Spotted Animal Alliance says these Animals are missing the point.

“This is not a contest about which Animal has a harder time. There is no winner here; there are only losers. It is our opinion that if a Park treats its Animals differently on the basis of appearance, we are all losers. And there is plenty of evidence that that happens,” he says.

Police impose curfew, ban on travel amid protests and disappearances

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd: curfew, ban on travel outside The Park

DEVELOPING STORY
After an overnight series of consultations with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, Park Police announced today that they have imposed a curfew on Park residents and a ban on travel outside The Park.

Gareth Shepherd, a 17-year veteran of the force and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged press conference.

The announcement read as follows:

Due to recent events, including violent protests, threats on the lives of Park Animals, and a number of mysterious disappearances, the Archons and the Park Police have made the decision to impose order on The Park by establishing a 10:00 p.m. curfew on all residents, as well as a ban on travel outside The Park.

More details of these arrangements will be made public shortly. For now, please be advised that officers will be permanently stationed at all Park exits and will begin making rounds at 9:50 this evening.

Park Police and the Archons are appealing to all residents to respect this decision. It was made with the welfare of all in mind.

Shepherd also confirmed that they have enlisted the assistance of the Does of Peace in this effort.

The new restrictions come into effect tonight, December 8, 2014.

This story will be updated as more information is gathered.

Your government needs YOU: Archons, PFO to host pre-budget consultations

By

New budgetWith little more than six weeks to go before their term ends, the 2014 Archons have decided to consult Park citizens before they release the revised version of the 2015 budget.

At a press conference yesterday, press secretary to the Archons Balthasar Alouatta confirmed that the Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Office (PFO), will be hosting a “consultation event” at the Wishing Well between 10:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. both days this weekend.

“They felt it was important for them to hear what citizens and residents had to say regarding funding in the new year,” Alouatta said. “There have been so many complaints and our last budget was so controversial, it seemed appropriate to take it directly to Park Animals.”

After former Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was relieved of his duties last month, the Archons were expected to table a new budget by the end of November. But that has proven impossible for a number of reasons and the decision was taken to consult “those who are most affected by the budget.”

“The idea of consulting the populace originated with the Archons even though, as the de facto heads of the Park Finance Office, they are ultimately responsible for the budget,” Alouatta said.

“They want to hear what Park Animals have to say, but make no mistake. The budget stops with them,” he said.

Tab Tricolore disappearance: Police to hold press conference this afternoon

By

C Astrid H AntBREAKING NEWS
Park Police announced this morning that they will hold a press conference at 1:00 p.m. for the purpose of updating Park citizens on the disappearance of chef Tab Tricolore.

In attendance will be Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS).

Celebrity Chef arrested outside Park

By

Tab Tricolore: "You have to offer an extraordinary culinary experience or else Animals will not dine at your restaurant."

Chef Tab Tricolore has been arrested outside The Park

BREAKING NEWS (18:00 Park time)
Celebrity Chef and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has been arrested outside The Park, according to the staff at his fine dining restaurant, Klo.

The owner of three other restaurants, Clowder, Coda, and The Tabby Club, as well as the the soon-to-be-opened PurrBoy Café at the Park Museum, was last seen at Klo this morning.

“He left at about 11:00. He went on one of his regular trips outside The Park, to source ingredients for tonight’s special,” said Klo manager Léopard Mirepoix. He declined to say what the special was.

“I saw him leave The Park and I haven’t seen him since. He was due back within the hour.”

Mirepoix said he thought nothing of Tricolore’s lateness until Footpad Heaven manager Adamma Bandicoot arrived at Klo. She told him that she’d seen the chef cross the border and believed that he’d been arrested.

“He was picked up, in any case. I’m not sure whether it was by police or another Human service. They were wearing uniforms and they were carrying a mobile prison cell,” she said.

Mirepoix confirmed that Tricolore had left his chef’s hat at the restaurant, so it is unlikely the Humans knew who he was.

Although Klo intends to remain open tonight, Tricolore’s other restaurants will be closed so that staff members can join Park Police in their search for the chef.

“We are all outraged and frightened,”  Mirepoix said. “His well-being is all we can think about.”

Newspaper’s front page editorial sparks furor among Park residents

By

Rodent Commoner

 

Animals have taken to the streets, the Archons and Park Police are calling for calm, and the author of a front page editorial published in The Rodent Commoner this morning has been granted security protection after receiving hundreds of threats on his life.

The piece, written by Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Espen Rotte, has ignited a firestorm of protest and, according to one observer, “opened the floodgates to a torrent of interspecial hate.”

In the editorial entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” Rotte explains his reaction to the results of various studies that confirm that striped Animals in The Park are “not getting their fair share of the economic pie.”

“So why am I not banging the ‘equality’ drum and championing their cause, as so many of my compatriots have done?” the well-respected writer, who has published articles in a number of Park newspapers, asks.

This is part of his answer, written simply and eloquently:

“I come from a species that is universally hated, not just by Humans, but by many other species, who are all too happy to stand by and watch as we are poisoned, kidnapped, incarcerated, used as laboratory subjects, and suffer other similar or worse fates.”

The rest of the editorial expands on this statement and concludes with what some have described as “a condemnation of not only the promises of zoocracy, but its policies.”

“In short,” Rotte writes, “our system has failed not only the striped and spotted, but whole species. I would argue that, as a Park, we have nothing to be proud of at this moment.”

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031