The Mammalian Daily

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Feline Fiction Fest to honour Nestor

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Nestor B&W

The 2014 Feline Fiction Fest will honour the late Nestor P. Cat

Domestic Canine poetry may be all the rage these days, but the Feline Fiction Fest intends to honour one of its own this year: the late, great Park poet and renowned scientist, Nestor P. Cat.

In a statement released today, principal organizer Corazón Oncilla confirmed that the festival has planned an elaborate tribute to the much-beloved Park citizen.

The tribute, which will take place the evening of June 17th, will include a dinner, a reading of some of Nestor’s poetic works, a short film about his life, and the introduction of a poetry prize in his name to be awarded annually, starting with next year’s festival.

“Nestor was a very important Cat, not just in the world of poetry and science, but as a citizen of The Park. We are privileged to have the opportunity to honour him in this way,” Oncilla said.

Tickets for the tribute may be purchased at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre until June 17th.

The 16th annual Feline Fiction Fest will take place June 16-18.

Two years on, striped and spotted Animals see little economic progress

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PFO figures released

New PFO figures show few changes for striped and spotted Animals

Two years ago, economic figures released by the Park Finance Office confirmed definitively that The Park’s striped and spotted Animals were having a more difficult time finding full-time employment than those who had coats of solid or mixed colours. Now, after the release of the PFO’s latest report, it appears that little has changed.

The statistics, which are known colloquially as the “Employment and Enjoyment Stats,” are collected annually by The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records, Well-Being and Safety, and Employment and Economic Opportunity. They are used by the Finance Office and the governing Archons to aid them in assessing the Park’s social and economic progress. The reaction to today’s release was anger from a number of The Park’s citizen groups.

“This is an outrage,” said Aiofe Badger in a radio interview this morning. Badger, who is President of Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band is a vocal advocate of equal rights in The Park. His group is now calling for a full study of the situation, including a plan for its resolution.

“We knew things were bad, but we let ourselves believe we were making progress. Obviously, we were mistaken,” he said.

Keeva Moffatt, President of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol, says she supports a full inquiry, but she also questions the accuracy of the figures.

“I actually think things are worse and, if I may say, worse even for the spotted than for the striped,” she says.

Former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, current Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony, said she wasn’t surprised by the figures.

“Clearly, we haven’t done nearly enough,” she says. “‘Stereotype Sundays’ and the establishment of the Centre are only a beginning. We have to dig deeper to find the roots of this prejudice [against the striped and spotted] and figure out why it persists. That is our only hope,” she says.

See also:
Striped Animals not getting fair share of economic pie: study
“Stereotype Sundays” aim to foster harmony among species
Centre for Interspecial Harmony opens

Commencement address links lack of education to enforced domestication

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UWT Coat of Arms

Catriona Cairn-Terrier gave the UWT commencement address

It has become so commonplace for the University of West Terrier’s annual commencement address to spark controversy that one might view it as a deliberate attempt to invent some kind of tradition.

Whether or not that is the case (and only time will tell), the 2014 commencement address given by Catriona Cairn-Terrier did not disappoint, at least in that sense.

Cairn-Terrier, who is listed among the “distinguished alumni” on UWT’s web site, used her position as Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML) to make a strong statement in favour of higher education for all Animals.

Her opening remarks of congratulations to the graduating class introduced the somewhat unpopular idea that Park Animals might be more vulnerable to the idea of domestication, “if it appeared to them that the lives ahead of them were going to be difficult.”

Cairn-Terrier spoke in hushed tones about domestication, referring to it more than once as “slavery” and “the kind of life that looks appealing but [that] leads to misery and hopelessness and is, above all, wholly unnatural.”

Despite audible gasps from those in attendance, Cairn-Terrier continued in that vein for some time, extolling the virtues of institutional education to the point where some said they felt slighted by her and her interpretation of their lives. A few, who exited the ceremonies early, complained that the speech was not appropriate for the occasion.

“She may have had some good points and she may be onto something, but I didn’t appreciate being painted the way she painted me,” said Annabelle Kanga, whose daughter Juanita was in the 2014 graduating class.

“Of course I wanted to give her [Juanita] more opportunities than I had, but that doesn’t make me lesser or even more vulnerable to domestication. I think she should have kept those ideas to herself today and if she wanted to promote education, she should have just done that,” Kanga said.

Those who were more accepting of the speech said they weren’t surprised or put off by what Cairn-Terrier said.

“After all, June is Enforced Domestication Awareness Month,” said one attendee.

Data Retrievers: Meet Park Police’s new partners in Tree hacking investigation

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Data Retrievers

Tree hacking investigation update: Park Police have partnered with a private firm of Data Retrievers

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE

Park Police announced today that they have partnered with a private firm of data Retrievers to aid them in their investigation into April’s Data Tree hacking.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed that Park Police have engaged the services of AROO, a private data retrieval company, in the hopes of locating some of the data lost when the Tree was hacked.

“These are skilled data Retrievers,” Fossa said. “It is our hope that they will be able to sniff out some of the Tree’s lost data.”

Fossa stressed that this is an independent investigation and not connected to the one in which Police are already engaged.

“Whether or not we are ever able to ascertain the perpetrator of the crime and whether or not we are then able to bring that perpetrator to justice, we need to try to find the lost data. AROO has a solid history in data retrieval and we are confident that our partnership with them will bring results,” she said.

Some observers, though skeptical of the plan, point to The Park’s limitations when it comes to prosecuting Humans and others who live outside The Park. According to the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Humans may, indeed, be responsible for the Tree hacking.

“As I have said in the past, it does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“For this reason, I applaud Park Police for making an effort to rectify the damage done in concert with attempting to find the perpetrator,” she said.

Sierpinski Squirrel said he was “cautiously optimistic” when informed of the plan. The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners stands to gain the most from this new partnership, as his company stored the major part of its data in the Oak Tree that was hacked.

Fowl Ball shines light on Avian plight

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Fowl Ball

Saturday’s Fowl Ball was successful in raising awareness as well as funds

Notwithstanding the unfortunate grooming house incident, Saturday’s first annual Fowl Ball was a great success, according to both organizers and attendees.

“We raised more funds than we ever thought possible,” said chief organizer Rafael Ortega at an after-party at his home.

“But I think where we did the best…and I would say we triumphed…was in raising awareness of the plight of our Avian community and of Avians in general,” he said.

Ortega, who spoke briefly at the Ball, credited his fellow organizers, the Ball’s dedicated contributors, and the “brilliant” musicians and other performers with making the event “five hundred times better than we ever could have imagined.”

Banded Brothers kicked things off with with a rousing rendition of “Surround Sound,” followed by their mega-hit, “ididitfortheband.” More music followed from The Tweeters and The Beasts of Burden, while Jargonhead demonstrated the reason he is so beloved in The Park.

A series of auctions punctuated the performances (there were seven auctions in all) and halfway through the evening, the stage was given over to a small group of Avian activists. They addressed the massive crowd of Animals, who were all decked out in their finery, clearly enjoying a good time.

“We certainly don’t want to bring you down,” they said, “but we want you to understand the reason you’re here.”

A short video, produced by the group, demonstrated the problems of the Avian community, particularly during migration.

“We try our best but the world is changing before our eyes and we can’t always see the danger ahead,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, an group that offers aid to Avian immigrants. As she spoke, photographs of Birds who had been injured after they crashed into glass buildings flew across the screen, shocking many who had not realized the extent of Avian suffering.

But perhaps the most moving speech of the night was that of Philippe Sauvage, lead singer of the Feline band, The Feral Four. He spoke with sincerity and the depth of his emotion surprised the crowd.

“I harbour deep regret for the misery that my community has brought on the Avian community,” he said, as he promised to work for the good of all species in the future.

Stampede at grooming house leaves 68 Animals injured, 35 jailed

By

Stampede at Grooming House

Police arrested 35 Animals at the Tallulah’s Toilettage riot today

BREAKING NEWS

An early morning stampede at one of The Park’s leading grooming houses has left 68 Animals injured and sent 35 others to jail.

The scuffle broke out at approximately 6:00 a.m., when a herd of Bison stormed Tallulah’s Toilettage and demanded to be seen. According to a witness, the Bison were joined by a group of Bulls, Horses, Cats, and others. All are regular customers of the grooming house.

“They were angry because their appointments had been cancelled. They were put off until next week, in favour of those who had tickets to the Fowl Ball,” the witness said.

Groomer Amoltrud Poedel, whose shop, Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, has also been “overrun” by Fowl Ball attendees, said she thought that Tallulah’s had been targeted because it offers an exclusive service known as “Moulting Minimizers.”

“It’s the [moulting] season and, even though they broke the law, I feel for them. It’s unfortunate that the needs of Fowl Ball participants were seen to be more important than the needs of so many others. Perhaps this wasn’t the perfect time to schedule the Fowl Ball after all,” she said.

Park Police told The Mammalian Daily that the majority of the injured were taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. The 35 Animals who were believed to be the instigators of the stampede, were detained at the scene and later taken to the Park Jail. They are to appear in court on Monday.

A Police spokesAnimal also confirmed that Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) have been assigned to the case.

“We think we may be seeing some interspecial tension at play here and if that is the case, we want to deal with it as soon as possible,” the spokesAnimal said.

Humans implicated in Data Tree hacking: investigators

By

tree hacked

Humans may have been involved in April’s Data Tree hacking

Humans may have been involved in the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

At a press conference held this morning, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of her team had witnessed a scene that some now see as foreshadowing the events of April 9.

“Some members of my team, while at work on a different case, witnessed a scene that we now see as suspicious and could well have been related to the hacking,” Ant said.

“On the morning of March 31, a group of Humans arrived in a small open truck and stopped at the Oak Tree. My team reports that two male Humans exited the vehicle while a third, the driver, continued driving until he stopped at the edge of The Park. The two male Humans stood staring at the Tree, examining its trunk and taking measurements of it. This went on for approximately five minutes, after which the two in question went to join the driver in the truck.”

According to Ant, her team members lost sight of the Humans after they joined their driver and they have not seen them since. Ant could not confirm whether the small truck carried weapons of arboreal destruction (WAD).

Ant was joined at the press conference by Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), who said Park Police had taken the ASIS team’s statement and were working some other leads together with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU).

Fowl Ball fever takes hold of Park

By

Fowl Ball

The Park has Fowl Ball fever!

No, we are not using the word “fever” metaphorically (at least not in May).

Our medical experts at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm tell us that a rapid heart beat can, indeed, raise the body’s temperature. And a rapid heart beat is what many are experiencing these days, in anticipation of the Fowl Ball, which has been billed as “the event of the year, every year from now on.”

And, though the phrase “take hold” may be considered metaphorical, we thought it was worth committing this transgression against May’s Month Without Metaphor in order to keep you informed of the progress of preparations for the newest event in support of The Park’s Avian community.

“Everything is going smoothly, so far, and the weather looks perfect for the Ball,” says Rafael Ortega, one of the event’s organizers. Ortega, who has become the de facto spokesBird for the gala, confirms that tickets sold out “within hours” of going on sale.

“Just with those funds alone, we are well ahead of our goal,” he says. But there is much more to the Ball than fundraising, Ortega emphasizes.

“We’re here to have a good time. There’s music, food, fun, we have seven auctions planned, hours and hours of dancing and playing. Our lineup of bands reads like a ‘Who’s Who’ of Park musicians; Park chefs have risen to the challenge, and I have every confidence that the Fowl Ball will be as we planned — the best of the best,” he says.

And, what advice would Ortega give to attendees at this point?

“Confirm your grooming appointment, sleep well the night before, plan to be up the whole night of the Ball and don’t book anything for the next day.”

Sage advice, we believe.

The Park’s first Fowl Ball will take place on Saturday, May 31.

Sheep fiddle as Barkettes sing: Anixi Agrarian Jubilee “glorious celebration”

By

Sheep fiddling

Sheep fiddled as The Barkettes sang at the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

The Sheep fiddled and the sun shone brightly in the clear blue sky, as Thisbe and the Barkettes ascended the stage at the 2014 Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

“It was a glorious celebration and they made it all the more special,” said Miriam Wapiti, the celebration’s chief organizer, at a post-event party on Tuesday.

That sentiment was unanimous, as Animal after Animal remarked on the quality of Thisbe’s voice and on the special bond that was evident among the Barkettes.

Although the group declined formal interviews after their performance, saying that they wanted to enjoy the event “just like every other Animal,” it was clear they were pleased with both their performance and its reception in the place they say they will always call home.

“Music has always been our lives,” Thisbe said in a radio interview last week. “And The Park will always be our home. We are so thrilled to have the opportunity to be reunited at the Jubilee. I can’t think of a more appropriate place to relaunch our career than at our annual celebration of renewal.”

With that, she removed all doubt that we would soon be lining up for tickets to a Barkettes concert. But the group still has not announced any firm dates. “Stay tuned,” is all their manager will say.

In the meantime, the Barkettes were not the only musical sensations to perform on Tuesday. The Park marked the beginning of the growing season in style, with performances by The Beasts of Burden, Inktvis and Krake, The Feral Four, The Endeka Elephant Band, Eggie and The Pigs, Banded Brothers, The DomEstyx, NIML, The Canary Cousins, and Spontaneous Generation.

Park Museum puts out call for personal items related to domestication

By

Park Museum

The Park Museum needs domestication-related items for its upcoming exhibit

The Park Museum has put out a call for items of a personal nature related to domestication and enforced domestication. The Museum says it requires such items for display in its upcoming exhibit marking Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a statement posted on the Museum’s web site, the Board of Governors requested contributions from Park Animals of items such as collars, leashes, cages, carrying cases, feeding paraphernalia (including bowls, etc.), grooming tools, toys, and I.D. tags. The Museum intends to borrow the requested items and assures Animals that their belongings will be “treated with the utmost care and respect” and be returned to their owners at the conclusion of the exhibit.

Details of the exhibit have not yet been released, but a spokesAnimal for the Board of Governors said the requested items will be displayed in a section called, “Ways and Means.”

To read the Museum’s full statement, click here.

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