The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Coalition calls emergency meeting at Cackling Goose to discuss budget

By

Cackling Goose TavernBREAKING NEWS

A coalition of groups whose interests range from weather, food production, education, and healthcare to business and technology has called an emergency meeting tonight at The Cackling Goose Tavern to discuss key elements of The Park’s upcoming budget.

The coalition’s members hail from a number of the Park’s citizen aid and action associations, as well as from other alliances and federations. The Park’s technology companies, including SINCAP Technologies, GVC De-Tech, DoftTek, S.A, and RhinoTech, also form part of the coalition.

According to a communication obtained by The Mammalian Daily, the purpose of the meeting is to begin the process of making a joint proposal to PFO head Valentina Abeja for increased funding for weather purchases, food production, education, and business support. The 2016 budget allocated a total of thirty-three percent of the budget for the above and the coalition believes this funding is insufficient.

Some of the groups that make up the coalition are:

Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF)
Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP)
Produce for Progress
Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds
Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol
Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS)
Sisters and Brothers of the Narrow Band
Skunks Against Gunk
Park Education Working Collective  (PEWC)
Park Citizens for Education (PCFE)

OTD in 2016—Body of Zuberi Tembo interred in Africa; memorial service to be held in Park

By

Zuberi Tembo

The late Zuberi Tembo (Photo taken last year)

The body of bassist Zuberi Tembo was interred in his native Africa yesterday, his cousin Thwayya Tembo told The Mammalian Daily.

The Endeka Elephant Band member was killed ten days ago on a trip home to visit his family. His cousin, who is acting as the family’s spokesAnimal, said they continue to mourn the loss of their loved one but are grateful for the outpouring of support from The Park.

“We are all devastated by the loss of Zuberi. His murder was made all the more painful by the irony that he had escaped the danger of Humans by defecting from the circus so many years ago and had lived peacefully in The Park. But we want to express our appreciation to the Archons and to all Park citizens for the outpouring of support for his family and friends. It is gratifying to know that there are so many who were touched by Zuberi during his lifetime.”

In a related statement released this morning, The Archons confirmed that a memorial service for the fallen musician will take place on July 26 at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Details will be available shortly.

OTD in 2016—Security workers threaten bark-to-rule action over right to bite policy

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers

The Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) is threatening to stage a bark-to-rule action unless Park administration reinstates the right of officers to bite offenders “when necessary.”

The federation of over four hundred officers, which forms the backbone of The Park’s Police Force, has been in talks with administration regarding this issue for the past two months. But so far, says FCSW president Gareth Shepherd, they have come to no satisfactory resolution.

“Park administration doesn’t appear to understand our position in this matter,” he told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“We are asking for the right to bite only as a last resort. Right now our hands—and our mouths—are tied. We have nothing to back up our claim to authority,” he said.

Even though The Park’s Police Force has had a no-biting policy in place for almost twenty-five years, several FCSW officers have been charged with doing so in recent years. Shepherd, himself, was suspended from duty in February of 2013, after he was charged with biting members of Les Amis de Hieronymous (The Friends of Hieronymous) during a roundup. He was later cleared of the charges and reinstated.

The FCSW’s position is that the realities of modern Park life make a change in policy necessary, but Park administration says it remains unconvinced.

“This seems like a step backward to us and until we view it otherwise, we are not inclined to alter the policy,” a spokesAnimal told the Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2016—DWBS to Archons, PFO: Increase aid to immigrants, domestication survivors

By

Animal Aid RaccoonAs Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) draws to a close, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has embarked on a new campaign to encourage the Archons and the Park Finance Office to allocate more funding to aid immigrants and the survivors of domestication.

In an open letter to the Archons and to PFO head Valentina Abeja, the DWBS cited alarming statistics that suggest that The Park may soon be home to many tens of thousands of Animals who have either escaped enforced domestication or found themselves homeless after the closing of a number of Human-run zoological parks.

“It is imperative that we prepare for this incoming wave of desperate Animals. It is our duty to ensure their safety and security,” the letter states.

The DWBS says there is plenty of time to increase funding for aid, since the 2017 budget likely will not be finalized until late August.

While not openly criticizing Abeja for her first budget, the DWBS suggested the PFO head take a “deeper and broader” look at The Park’s population and at circumstances outside The Park.

“Last year’s budget allocated a mere four percent to immigration and refugee support. This was, at the very least, somewhat naïve and short-sighted,” the letter says.

The DWBS has acknowledged the upcoming meeting of the Archons and the PFO head, which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

“It is our hope that this item will be first on their agenda,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2016—Farmers, weather makers, tech company reps agree to summit at The Draft

By

Draft with borderIn a surprise move, The Park’s farmers and weather makers and the representatives of some technology companies have agreed to sit down together at The Draft pub and discuss their positions and mutual goals.

In a carefully worded statement released this morning, the three groups acknowledged the assistance in this effort of The Beasts of Burden, who own The Draft, and said they were “cautiously optimistic” that they could come to an agreement that would benefit all residents of The Park.

The series of meetings will begin next month. In a simultaneous statement, The Beasts of Burden announced that their pub will be closed every Tuesday and Thursday in July to accommodate what is now being called, “The Draft Summit.”

The main issue under discussion will be the effect of technology on The Park’s food supply. The issue came to a head in early Spring, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained that through their food-finding apps, technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food. The SCPCPGF believes that this will negatively affect the “natural pacing” of food finding and will lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages. At one point, they called on technology companies to stop producing their apps until the issue was resolved.

Not surprisingly, technology company representatives disagreed with the SCPCPGF’s assertion and refused to shut down production. They maintain their products enhance the food-finding experience, reduce stress, and save Animals a significant amount of time.

According to today’s statement, the first item of business will be to agree on an agenda. That agenda-setting meeting will take place on July 5.

OTD in 2016—Whoa! BRAKING News: What’s in our new section will stop you in your tracks

By

Braking News

Searching for news that will stop you in your tracks? Just look for this symbol.

INTRODUCING…BRAKING News

At The Mammalian Daily, we’re always looking for ways to improve our readers’ experience. We want to make it easier and faster for you stay informed, particularly about issues that affect you directly. And we want to bring these items to your attention as soon as we can.

So, we’ve created a new section on our web site, which we’re calling Whoa! BRAKING News. Starting next week, you’ll be able to go straight to it to find the information that is most important to you. Whether it’s about safety, security, health, or economic issues, you’ll be able to find it in Whoa! BRAKING News.

But we’re not stopping at our web site. We know our readers lead busy lives and they may not be on our site all the time. So, on our Facebook page and on our  Twitter feed, all items that fall into the category of BRAKING News will be marked by a miniature version of the symbol above. When you see that symbol, you’ll know that we consider the information in the attached article to be important to you.

We’re confident that you’ll find our new section a great asset but, of course, it’s still a work-in-progress. If you have your own ideas about what might constitute a BRAKING News story, feel free to get in touch and let us know. In the meantime, we look forward to providing you with news that will stop you in your tracks.

OTD in 2017—BREAKING: Archons to outlaw Humans’ use of Park Animals as transport

By

horse-drawn-carriageBREAKING NEWS
In a surprise announcement at a press briefing this afternoon, the Archons’ spokesAnimal, Balthasar Alouatta, said the Archons plan to enact legislation that will outlaw the use of our citizens and residents as transport for Humans both within and outside Park boundaries. He said the law will come into effect in early April.

Calling the new law “the first in a suite of laws that will codify the relationship between Park Animals and Humans,” Alouatta confirmed the Archons’ desire to “delineate formally the boundaries of the rights, abilities, and obligations of Humans as regards The Park’s population.”

“The Archons feel that the fluid relationship between Humans and Park Animals that has existed for decades must come to an end. Now that we have a mature zoocracy, they feel it is time to formally codify that relationship,” he said.

Although Alouatta did not take questions at the briefing, he did acknowledge the “many considerations” and difficulties that some Park Animals would experience as a result of the new legislation.

“It is not the intention of the Archons to make life difficult for Park Animals,” Alouatta said. “Rather, it is their intention to ensure that Park Animals will be treated with fairness and respect by Humans, now and in the years to follow,” he said.

OTD in 2017—DWBS confirms detailed map of Park found outside official boundaries

By

map-of-parkThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has confirmed that a map of The Park has been found outside our official boundaries.

In a short statement issued this morning, the department confirmed that a map of The Park that shows the location of some of our government institutions and businesses was found on the ground outside the western border.

According to the statement, the department was advised of the map’s existence early this month by Park police, who said a citizen who encountered it while travelling outside The Park surrendered it to them.

The map is not an official Park map, but one that the department believes was drawn by a Human who had visited The Park or had some knowledge of it.

Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the DWBS, has confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that the department will hold a press conference this coming week to discuss the details and possible ramifications of the situation.

OTD in 2017—Archons hunt for new Finance Office head to defund tourism, trade: rumour

By

3280_smiled_wolf_business_man_holding_cashPark Finance Office (PFO) head Valentina Abeja’s days may be numbered.

According to a post on the gossip site headsNtales, Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu is “not pleased” with some of the terms of Abeja’s past budgets.

In the post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo quotes a conversation she claims to have had with a Park Finance Office employee, who says that Abeja has been under pressure since January to produce a budget that will defund tourism and extra-hortulanial trade (trade with those living outside The Park).

According to Guacamayo’s source, Abeja has resisted, even though she herself reduced the funding for both in her last budget.

“Abeja does not believe in isolating The Park,” Guacamayo says the source told her. But her resistance may prove futile because, according to the source, Kuttu has begun a search for a new PFO head who will follow her orders.

If these rumours are true, this will be the first time in Park history that a Chief Archon has interfered with a budget prior to its release. It’s been customary for the PFO head to prepare a budget and then for the Archons en masse to approve it, to request changes, or to send it back.

According to Park historian and professor Beatrice Zilonis, this action, if true, is unprecedented. And dangerous.

“We have never seen so much direct contact with the PFO head prior to a budget,” she told The Mammalian Daily.

Zilonis says that while there has always been some tension between the PFO head and the Archons, the Archons have never given direct orders to the PFO.

“It’s unheard of,” she said. “Since it’s the Archons who’ve appointed the PFO head, they’ve usually been on the same page. The budget has always been tweaked, either because of the Archons’ desires or the citizens’, but never at this stage. If this is true, this constitutes overreach on the part of the Archons, in my opinion,” she said.

OTD in 2017—Names of 2017 Archons announced

By

zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2017 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2017
Kuttu, Klarissa Escalade (Chief Archon)

Amphiuma, Dudley; Arowana, Donat; Bonobo, Nakato; Cangrejo, José Basilio; Chameleon, Seymour; Crayfish, Thomas Frederick; Datnoid, Wattana; Deer, Alfhild; Gecko, Theodore Maximilian; Hoopoe, Imara; Kakkalakki, Njáll Jóhan; Kungsfiskare, Olaf Greger; Lehm, Aleksandra Elisabet; Lionfish, Elliott; Lizard, Marcela; Mantis Henry; Molly, Johannes; Mudpuppy, Ralph; Newt, Rodney; Oscar, Karma; Owl, Dominique Françoise; Pająk, Ilona; Polar Bear, Clovinda; Polipo, Dante Aurelio; Puffin, Nathan Edward; Puma, Sofia Ioanna; Quetzal, Tania Jimena Izabella; Salamander, Quentin Holder; Sammakko, Aava Matilda; Slange, Anika Kamilla; Tarantula, Xiomara; Taube, Ekkehardt; Tortoise, Aristodama; Turtle, Todd.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031