Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier want to hear from you! Which Animal would you choose to deliver the 2016 commencement address?
Make your choice from among the ten candidates listed in the poll below or feel free to write in your own suggestion beside the “Other” box.
Please note: The poll closes May 21, 2016. Vote now!
Thanks to an anonymous donor, the University of West Terrier will be able to fund a third study into the causes of premature awakening from hibernation.
In an announcement on the University’s web site, the President and Governors thanked the “anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds.”
“The University is deeply grateful for the funding and wishes to thank the anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds. We are confident that your generous donation will save countless lives and your effort on behalf of hibernators will become a shining example of the power of interspecial caring,” the announcement said.
The donation, which came via the Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening will fund a thirty-six-month project. The project leaders and venues have yet to be announced, but it is believed that the bulk of the research will be done at the University’s School of Medicine.
The University’s full announcement can be read here.
C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), will replace Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink as speaker at the 2016 University of West Terrier Open House on January 29, it was announced today.
Mink bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was sworn in as 2016 Chief Archon, explaining that he felt his focus should be on governing at this time.
In a brief statement that appeared on the university’s web site, the UWT President and Governors thanked Ant for accepting the invitation “on such short notice.”
The ASIS head, who is perhaps best known for her leadership of the brilliant team that prevented the destruction of an entire Ant colony, will be speaking about the rôle that higher education plays in investigative police work and in the maintenance of interspecial harmony in general.
The university’s full announcement about the Open House appears on its web site.
BREAKING NEWS
Noreen will deliver the 2015 commencement address at the University of West Terrier on June 1, it was announced today.
The President and Governors of the University made the announcement on the university’s web site this morning.
A spokesAnimal for the university said they were “thrilled” that Noreen had agreed to deliver the address.
“We are cognizant of how busy she is and we didn’t wish to burden her in any way,” the spokesAnimal said. “But Noreen is a shining example of the kind of accomplishment that zoocracy has made possible for all Park Animals. We want our graduating class to benefit by hearing her speak about her life and her experiences.”
The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct professor of Human Studies is expected to talk more about her earlier life than about her work at the university.
Read the announcement here.
BREAKING NEWSAttention Park residents, Avians and non-Avians alike: stay tuned because some important tweets are coming your way.
Noreen has joined Twitter.
The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier confirmed today that she has opened a Twitter account and intends to start using it “in the near future.”
In an open letter to her fellow journalists, her colleagues at UWT, and to her potential followers on Twitter, Noreen wrote:
It gives me great pleasure to announce that I have found another way to communicate with you, my fellow Park residents. I have joined Twitter! From now on, I will be able to share my great knowledge of Humans with you easily and quickly. I look forward to enjoying a lively conversation with you and I invite you to tweet your questions to me at any time. Now, let the conversation begin!
Noreen is also at work on a book, which will be published this Autumn.
The University of West Terrier announced today that it has entered into a partnership agreement with Leonardo Language and Culture Institute to offer courses through its new Department of Interspecial Studies.
In a joint statement released today, the presidents of both schools praised the officials who negotiated the agreement and said they look forward to a long and happy alliance.
“This is the first time in Park history that two academic institutions have put aside their differences and agreed to collaborate for the sake of the betterment of our mutual student body. We look forward to a long and happy alliance through which we hope to offer a new perspective while meeting the educational needs of our present and future students,” the statement read.
A spokesanimal for UWT acknowledged that the driving force behind the establishment of the new department was “a new generation of students” whose profound interest in other species and their languages was not well served by UWT’s limited course offerings.
“It has been apparent for some time that the interests of the new generation of students have not been wholly served by the traditional courses offered here [UWT],” the spokesanimal said. “We have chosen to rise to that challenge and we hope, through this new department, to be able to convince students, both present and future, that UWT is the best place to study and grow academically.”
According to a report released last week by The Park’s Department of Education, enrollment in institutions of higher learning has increased over the past five years. Enrollment at UWT, however, has decreased by three per cent over the last two years. Enrollment in specialized colleges, such as the Leonardo Language and Cultural Institute, has increased by seven per cent over the last two years.
