The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Archives for September 2025

OTD in 2016—Justice orders Rotte, Stinktier to meet after Sunday’s Spoken Word incident

By

Mr Justice Augustus DindonMr. Justice Augustus Dindon has ordered the legal representatives of Gunnar Rotte and Faramund Stinktier to arrange a meeting between the two parties within the next ten days.

The Superior Court justice took the unprecedented action after an incident that occurred between the two on Sunday afternoon at the Beats of Burden Music Festival’s Spoken Word stage.

Rotte took the stage mid-afternoon in front of a significant crowd, many of whom he’d invited via Twitter to witness his first ever SWE performance (Spoken Word Extemporaneous). He was just about to leave the stage after finishing his number, “Chock Tock,” when he noticed Stinktier in the crowd. Claiming the audience was calling for an encore, Rotte took back the microphone and embarked on a takedown of everything Stinktier, including his music, his band, and his decision to transition to a Zebra.

While some in the audience egged him on, many were deeply offended and called for him to be pulled from the stage. Stinktier refused to get involved and left the area, which seemed to incite Rotte further. Finally, three Does of Peace moved him from the stage and into the custody of Park Police.

Rotte, who was charged in August with disturbing the peace and inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday, is already scheduled to appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in October. Those charges are also related to his behaviour vis à vis Stinktier.

When news of the SWE matter reached the justice, he put out the call for a meeting.

“Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon is of the belief that much of this matter could be resolved through personal discussion. He does not believe the courts should get involved unnecessarily,” said a spokesAnimal for the Court.

Rotte is represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, while Stinktier has engaged the services of Zvonimir Kojot of the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg. Neither has spoken publicly about the justice’s order.

OTD in 2015—Police called in as Zebras block stage to SCENTient Beings at music festival

By

Zebras block stage

Zebras attempt to block stage entry to SCENTient Beings

The dream of a peaceful Beats of Burden music festival was shattered last night when a herd of Zebras blocked the SCENTient Beings’ entry to the stage.

After several tense minutes, the festival’s official hosts, The Beasts of Burden, butted their way through the herd and made a heartfelt appeal to the Zebras.

“This festival is not about personal politics or identity politics,” Alfredo Ox said. “This festival is a peaceful and joyous attempt to support The Park’s refugees. These are Animals who have suffered terribly in their lives and we are here this weekend to lend our support to them, both emotionally and financially. I appeal to you as sentient beings, yourselves, to take your cause elsewhere. We will listen to you at another time, at another venue. But, for now, please step back and allow the next set of musicians to take the stage.”

Ox’s appeal fell on deaf ears, however, but as he was speaking, the Does of Peace moved in to begin active peacekeeping. While the Doves flew above the herd, the Does mixed among the Zebras, moving them to the sides and securing a path for the SCENTient Beings to ascend the stage.

The group of Zebras, led by Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra, demanded an apology from SCENTient Beings composer Faramund Stinktier. In a communiqué last week, the Zebras accused Stinktier of committing a crime against them when he revealed that he’d always believed he was a Zebra.

“By perpetuating a stereotype and using that stereotype for the betterment of his own life, he has committed a crime against The Park’s Zebra community,” the communiqué said.

When the Beings finally made it to the stage, they briefly acknowledged the protesters by saying they had the “utmost respect for The Park’s Zebra community,” and dedicated the night’s set to “all Animals of all species everywhere.”

Park Police, who were called to the scene by Beasts of Burden manager Ignatius Herder, said no charges were laid last night.

“We attended at the scene, but no charges were laid. We’re not expecting to be called out again,” said spokesAnimal for the police.

The Beats of Burden music festival wraps up this evening. SCENTient Beings are scheduled to perform again this afternoon.

OTD in 2014—Park’s grooming houses gear up for PIFF

By

The Pluming Room

Grooming houses are banding together to prevent a stampede

Vowing not to repeat the mistakes that led to the stampede before last Spring’s Fowl Ball, The Park’s grooming houses have banded together to ensure that all clients are cared for as they prepare to attend The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

“We want to assure our clients that they will be seen, no matter what. To that end, we will honour all appointments in the order in which they were made and all last-minutes will be seen, though they may have to wait a bit,” says Tallulah, owner of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the Spring stampede occurred.

Tallulah confirmed that at a meeting held in late August, the owners of all The Park’s grooming houses voted in favour of establishing an ad hoc coalition to meet the needs of Park residents during the busy PIFF season. Last week, that coalition, which they call the Association of Registered Grooming Houses (ARGH), appointed nurse Hermione Hippo to triage the last-minute appointments, as well as to keep the groomers on schedule.

“It will require a military-like precision to ensure that all are groomed properly and Hermione is the best one to effect that,” says Tano Pagun, co-owner of The Pluming Room.

“I can’t imagine having to deal personally with fly-ins,” he says. “But we are committed to preventing the frustration that led to the Spring violence. In our view, once is too many [times]. We must learn from our mistakes.”

In addition to all their usual staff, the grooming houses will have a number of extra “paws and beaks on deck,” to assist because ARGH has drafted all members of the first graduating class of the School of Aesthetics.

“Even those who moved on to other careers will be using their knowledge and expertise in this field come early October,” Tallulah says.

OTD in 2015—Beats of Burden lineup announced

By

Beats of Burden logoBREAKING NEWS

With a lot of song and a little dance, this year’s Beats of Burden Music Festival is leaving very little to chance.

That’s not to say there’s anything boring or predictable about this year’s lineup. Far from it. There’s something for everyone at the three-day charity fest and that was a smart move on the part of its hosts, the Beasts of Burden.

“We looked for a real mix this year, something for young and old, timid and bold,” says lead singer Alfredo Ox.

Ox, who is actively involved in festival decisions, says the Beats has grown much more quickly than he ever imagined and he’s feeling the strain.

“We’re having growing pains,” he says. “I can’t deny that. We don’t want it to get so big that we lose the personal feel that it had the first year. But the bigger it gets, the more funds we can raise to support our refugee population. It’s a fine balance and a hard one to strike.”

This year, the festival has added comedy to the mix and Ox thinks it will go over well.

“We invited Woodruff Dalmatio to co-host with Jargonhead, who’s been wildly popular from the get-go,” Ox says. “They’re polar opposites but they get along well and they actually play off each other, so it will be interesting to see what happens when they’re performing live. I try not to interfere with the artists, so I don’t actually know what either of them plans. I’ll be as surprised as any audience member,” he says.

This year, the food will be provided by Coda, The Tabby Club, Provisions by Petrounel, Ants in Your Pantry, Florette’s Fine Edibles, and The Battering Ram Café.

And, as usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction. But there’s a surprise in store late Sunday afternoon: the newly minted group, The Crumb Seekers, will make their professional début, after getting the nod from Ox and Co. at last Friday’s open mic at The Draft.

“You’ll be blown away by them,” Ox promises. “Even if you heard them last week.”

Other bands scheduled to appear include Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, The DomEstyx, and, yes, Reekabilly stars SCENTient Beings.

And that’s not to mention the “long list” of surprises that Ox has in store.

“Music, dance, art, games, auctions, and more. It will be the best Beats ever,” Ox promises.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 18-20 September 2015.

All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

OTD in 2013—Rapper Will.o.be. to Park’s estivators: “Welcome back!”

By

Beats of Burden Music Festival logo

Famous Park rapper Will.o.be. opened the first annual Beats of Burden Music Festival on Saturday with a tribute to The Park’s estivating population.

As the rapper leapt to the stage amid almost deafening cheers, he stopped to bow to a group of estivators at the front of the crowd.

“I’m as happy as everybody else is that The Park’s entire population is present and accounted for and ready to roar,” he said. Then he turned his microphone toward the obviously enthusiastic audience and exhorted them to “Roar! Roar! Roar!”

And roar they did, through his opening set, three encores and even when he was brought back to perform with the music festival’s founders, The Beasts of Burden.

“This is the most fantastic audience I’ve ever had,” the rapper said, and the Beasts’ lead singer Alfredo Ox concurred.

“You amaze me!” he shouted.

“If I ever get down on things…or think things are impossible, I will think of this weekend and the turnout that we’re getting and how much we care about each other in The Park. I know that the words ‘Thank You’ are not enough, but they will have to do for now, until we have time to write you all a song of thanks,” he said.

The Beasts then performed one of their biggest hits, “The Day the Oxen Rose,” after dedicating it to “the beneficiaries of this festival…The Park’s refugees.”

The Beats of Burden Music Festival continues until tonight. All proceeds from the festival (including related clothing and other products) will go toward aiding The Park’s refugees.

OTD in 2016—PMoCA unveils Slow Art Movement painting in honour of Park’s estivators

By

Heike Slak

Slow artist Heike Slak’s “Beacon”

Tomorrow marks the official end of estivation. It’s time to welcome back the friends we haven’t seen for over two months and to move into The Park’s busy Autumn social season.

But even though a large number of Park Animals will be coming out of a state of torpor tomorrow, estivation traditionally has not received as much attention as its Winter counterpart, hibernation.

All that is set to change in the coming years and the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) is leading the way.

Tomorrow evening, in honour of our estivating citizens, the PMoCA will unveil a painting by slow artist Heike Slak.

The painting, which bears the title, “Beacon,” was commissioned last year by the museum.

“This is the first work by a slow artist that we have displayed. We are very proud to hang this painting in the PMoCA in honour of our estivators. and we look forward to a long and happy relationship with the Slow Art Movement,” the museum’s head curator Aamuun Maroodiga told the press this morning.

Slak, who will come out of estivation tomorrow, delivered the painting to the museum at the end of May.  Maroodiga confirmed at the press gathering that Slak will attend the unveiling tomorrow evening.

OTD in 2016—The Beats gets bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today

By

Beats of Burden logo“Bigger” and “better” were the words most often uttered this morning as Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox announced the lineup for the fourth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“We know that bigger isn’t always better, but in this case it is,” Ox told the throng of reporters outside The Draft, the pub that he and his Beasts of Burden bandmates own.

“We asked ourselves, what could make this event better? How do we stay true to our purpose without this becoming just another music festival?”

The answer to that question, Ox said, was to bring the musical and other acts closer to that purpose.

“We want The Park’s refugees, who are the festival’s raison d’être, to always be within your sight or hearing. We want you —no matter what you’re listening to, no matter what you’re watching, no matter what you’re eating—to have our refugees front and centre in your mind. Yes, we want you to have a Whale of a time, and that’s no pun. NIML will be at the festival, down by the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. But we also want you to remember that this is a charity festival, a festival with a purpose, not just a Porpoise,” he said, as the crowd groaned.

As far as the music lineup goes, many of these groups have performed at the festival before: Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, Jargohead, Fish Rap, and The DomEstyx.

But there are newcomers, such as Belles and Whistles and Memes of Production and up-and-comers, including Erdferkel!, plucked just past Friday from the Beats in the Bar (formerly the Open Mic at The Draft), as well as last year’s pick, The Crumb Seekers.

Even bigger musical news comes in the form of Last Stand, the band whose members all hail from endangered species, and ZEAL, who begged off last year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice because he refused to play at the same event as the SCENTient Beings’ Faramund Stinktier. The Beats will feature both, though they’ll play at different venues.

As well, Ox said he personally invited The Endeka Elephant Band, whose bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed this summer on a trip home to Africa. The band agreed to play on two of the three days of the festival, and Ox said he took that as a compliment.

“Zuberi Tembo was a refugee and I think the band wanted to honour that,” he said.

This year’s festival will introduce a new category, Spoken Word Extemporaneous (SWE), which Ox said he’s particularly excited about. And the comedy portion will feature Dalmanik and Woodruff Dalmatio, with a few “surprises” in store for Saturday.

Another first for the festival is the Rodent gymnastic troupe, “Out of the Box.” Ox was also proud to announce that the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk had agreed to resurrect their 2014 exhibit, “From Fear to Freedom,” which highlights the art of The Park’s refugees.

As usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction.

With all that, and the “long list of surprises” that Ox boasted about, it’s hard not to believe that this bigger Beats will be even better.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 16-18 September 2016.

All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

OTD in 2015—Zorro sentence: One month in jail, five years of repayment to community

By

Raimundo Zorro

Raimundo Zorro received his sentence today

BREAKING NEWS

Seated beside his lawyer Pernilla Varghund, Raimundo Zorro showed no emotion this afternoon as he awaited the arrival of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. And although he respectfully stood when the Superior Court justice finally entered the courtroom, he said only one word during the entire thirty-minute process.

Before announcing his sentencing decision, the justice asked Zorro, whom he found guilty in late August of inciting hate by hosting the SplotchWatch web site, whether he had had any change of heart since he was charged last April.

Zorro stood again and whispered, “Yes,” but did not elaborate any further.

In his preamble to the sentencing, Justice Dindon reiterated his horror at what Zorro had done and the potential it had to undo the many years of work that had led to zoocracy.

“You are not sufficiently young to be ignorant of the consequences of what you were doing,” the justice said.

“Nor are you sufficiently old to have done it with a view to undermining our system of government or the peace and prosperity that we cherish in The Park. I am forced, therefore, to conclude that you, sir, acted with malicious intent only toward a group of Animals that, as far as I can tell, has never done you any harm.”

For this reason, the justice said, he deliberated for a long time, seeking to find a sentence that would encourage Zorro to reconsider his views as well as allow him to “redeem himself” in the eyes of the community that he harmed.

The full sentence handed down by Mr. Justice Dindon is as follows:

  • one month of incarceration beginning today (September 11, 2015)
  • a full five years of volunteership on a rotating basis: one month at a time at each of The Park’s charities, with double the amount of time spent at charities that promote the equality of striped and spotted Animals
  • five years of supervision by court-appointed staff

In addition, Zorro is prohibited from hosting any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.

When the justice had concluded, Zorro said nothing and was removed from the courtroom by staff and led to the Park jail, where he will spend the first month of his sentence.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

September 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930