The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Cornelio Lontra wins big at yesterday’s Toe-Hair Contest

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Cornelio Lontra

Cornelio Lontra flipped when he won The Park’s 21st Toe-Hair Contest

The winner of the 2016 Toe-Hair contest literally flipped when he heard the announcement.

“I really thought it would go to Chico [Chinchilla]. I couldn’t believe they called my name,” Cornelio Lontra said.

But call his name they did, after head judge Sierpinski Squirrel confirmed the judges’ unanimous choice.

“They were beauties,” judge Antonio Marcelo said on TMD radio this morning. “They were obviously carefully cultivated. No Animal in the contest could match them.”

And as for Lontra’s friend Chinchilla, he did, in fact, win second prize, while Indira Gecko took home third.

Meanwhile, Lontra is still waiting for it all to sink in.

“I am still stunned, even a day later,” he told The Mammalian Daily via telephone. “When I woke up this morning and it was still true, I was amazed.”

It’s May! Here’s what happened in The Park during April’s showers

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cowcoffeeMammalian Daily becomes first Park newspaper to ban Human jokes

Civet calls for freeze on development of all food-related technology

TMD Exclusive: Millicent Hayberry and Gianfranco Colocolo in conversation

First quarter results prove opening on Groundhog Day a profitable move

Raimundo Zorro strikes again: new web site violates conditions of sentence

Tinamou blames TMD’s Haas for drop in Month Without Metaphor participants

TMD managing editor schedules press conference for Monday morning

Court reaffirms right to remain stupid

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

Sierpinski Squirrel appointed head judge of 2016 Toe-Hair Contest

Tinamou disputes rumour he paid media to join Month Without Metaphor

Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening

Toe-Hair Contest exacerbates fear of extinction in some Animals: therapist

Prepare for an all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words

Prepare for all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words

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Bulb Beacon with borderHistorians may look back on it and jokingly call it the “Tulip War,” but at present it’s a tense situation that could cause irreparable damage to The Park’s food and technology sectors.

It started last month, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained in a print advertisement that The Park’s technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food in favour of letting apps do the searching for them. The SCPCPGF maintains that this negatively affects what it calls the “natural pacing” of food finding and will inevitably lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages.

The Park’s technology sector laid low for a short time, hoping to wait out the controversy. But when the SCPCPGF refused to give up, SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava took to the airwaves to vigorously defend her company’s app, Bulb Beacon, and assert that SINCAP and other technology companies make it their business to support access to food in The Park.

“We all take access to food very seriously. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating and terrifying not to be able to find enough food, or to forget where you stored your food over the Winter. I’ve had relatives who almost starved and that was the impetus for me to develop our app,” she told Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros in an interview.

But that did not placate SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet, and a few days later, he called for a moratorium on the development of food-related technology.

Now, the anger that has been brewing for weeks threatens to spill over. As both sides begin to issue threats and accusations, experts say the issue could come to blows in May, as planting begins and the Park Finance Office turns its attention to the 2017 budget.

“What’s at stake here is not just peace in The Park, but the food supply itself,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“We all should be very scared.”

Toe-Hair Contest exacerbates fear of extinction in some Animals: therapist

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Rhino LoserThe Park’s annual Toe-Hair Contest may be having a devastating effect on the vulnerable in our population, according to mental health specialist Victoire Caméléon. [pullquote]Everything from the environment to emotional stress to having the luxury of time and the resources to cultivate oneself can affect toe-hair growth. We should be cognizant of that when we reward Animals for something that they are not in complete control of.—Psychotherapist Victoire Caméléon [/pullquote]

The part-time researcher and psychotherapist, who works at one of The Park’s two Extinction Anxiety Clinics, made the assertion this past weekend.

Speaking at a conference on extinction and mental health at the University of West Terrier, Caméléon said evidence suggests that the annual competition negatively affects those who fear for the survival of their species.

“This is not simply an issue of self esteem; it is an issue of survival and Animals’ sense of self-preservation,” she said.

The annual contest, which has come to signal the beginning of Spring, rewards those who are most able to grow long, thick, healthy toe-hairs over the Winter season.

But, Caméléon said, many in our vulnerable populations are not able to do so, through no fault of their own. Still, the emphasis the contest places on this one aspect has made some Animals feel weaker and less able to survive.

“There are a number of factors that are involved in toe-hair growth, as well as in other aspects of physical health,”  Caméléon said. “Everything from the environment to emotional stress to having the luxury of time and the resources to cultivate oneself can affect toe-hair growth. We should be cognizant of that when we reward Animals for something that they are not in complete control of.”

Yet, even despite these negative effects, Caméléon is not calling for an end to the contest.

“It began as purely a fun event, almost a farcical celebration of the post-Winter season. I think we should preserve that aspect of the contest and place less emphasis on the winning part,” she said.

Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening

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Hill of cats and dogsA number of Park citizens were caught on camera yesterday afternoon, eating, partying, and rubbing up against celebrities at a can opening outside The Park.

According to the gossip web site headsNtales, which published a series of pictures taken at the outdoor event, a “large group of Park Animals” attended the can opening hosted by Humans.

“The exceptionally well-attended event included a vast sampling of different canned foods, sparkling and still water served in bowls and on-site entertainment, as well as free grooming,” the gossip site said.

headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said her reporters could not verify that the Park Animals had been invited to the event.

“We aren’t able to say whether the Park Animals were responding to an invite or just came upon the event in their travels. It [the event] was well-publicized outside The Park, but no Park media we know of published any information about it,” she said.

Tinamou disputes rumour he paid media to join Month Without Metaphor

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MonthWMAlvin Tinamou took to the airwaves this morning to dispute a claim that he paid some of The Park’s media outlets in exchange for their participation in Month Without Metaphor.

The publisher of the Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the annual media event went on CLucK Radio at eight o’clock this morning to, as he said, “flatly deny” the claim made by the gossip side headsNtales.

“At no time did I even entertain the idea of offering compensation for participation,” Tinamou told interviewer Mayumi Manok.

Tinamou admitted he was worried about the participation numbers, but he told Manok that since Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas acquiesced to the pressure to name her reporters, “a large number” of media outlets had signed on.

“We’re not yet up to last year’s numbers, but we’re confident that we’ll get there,” Tinamou said.

As for the claim of compensation for participation, headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says she stands by her story.

“Tinamou can sing whatever song he chooses, but we have the facts and we can prove them,” she says.

CLucK Radio is owned by AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, and The Avian Messenger.

Sierpinski Squirrel appointed head judge of 2016 Toe-Hair Contest

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Sierpinski

Sierpinski Squirrel:  head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest

Sierpinski Squirrel will serve as head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest.

At a press event held this morning at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, Aintza Kanariar of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, made the formal announcement:

“We are thrilled to announce that the very competent Sierpinski Squirrel has agreed to serve as head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest,” she said.

“As perhaps The Park’s premier financial advisor, Sierpinski Squirrel has proven himself to be a great judge in his own field and an outstanding team leader in all respects,” Kanariar said.

In making the announcement, the longtime Director of Public Relations for the body that chooses the judges emphasized the importance of the position of head judge:

“The position is an important one because, should there be a tie, the head judge, who is an Animal with greater expertise than the other judges, has the ability to choose the winner. It is a position of responsibility that calls for a great deal of knowledge and personal integrity,” she said.

The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners has found himself in demand recently. Last December, he was asked, on very short notice, to join the Archon Transition Team, replacing Blandine Okapi who had resigned due to what she called  “philosophical differences.” Sierpinski Squirrel stepped up and by all accounts did an admirable job, according to Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS).

“He made the job his own, which is quite an accomplishment for an Animal who has never been formally involved in politics.”

At the press announcement yesterday, Kanariar also announced the other four members of the judging panel: Antonio Marcelo, Clementina Araña, Quinta Caribou, and S. Irving Gecko.

The Toe-Hair Contest, which is in its 21st year, is set to commence at 10:00 a.m. Park time on May 1.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

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ContractsThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

By

The Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

Court reaffirms right to remain stupid

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonIn a landmark decision handed down this morning, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court kept alive the vision of The Park’s founder and reaffirmed the right of every Animal to remain stupid.

The decision, which will be posted in full outside the Court House tomorrow, came after a deliberation of more than five months. The decision was in response to an action brought by a collective that included the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), the heads of admission of all The Park’s educational institutions, professionals from the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, and one hundred Animals known as the “concerned conglomerate.”

In their action, the collective argued that increasing apathy among the citizenry and the lack of formal education undermine the survival and prosperity of The Park. They asked the court to supersede the Archons and enact a law requiring all Park citizens to attend school.

The collective’s argument before the court in October was kept a secret from all except those directly involved in the proceedings. That decision was made to prevent the collective from initiating an awareness campaign they believed might sway the court’s decision.

During the deliberation period, Justice Dindon accepted submissions from The Department of Well-Being and Safety, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and from medical and psychological experts on both sides of the argument. In addition, he called on Park historians to, as he said, “help me understand the founding vision of The Park.”

In the opening paragraph of the decision, Justice Dindon said he relied heavily on these words of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy: “We cannot force our views upon the citizenry; we can only inspire them to look beyond themselves and aid them in their search for a just and better life for all.”

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