Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2016 government will be released on Friday.
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts in the early hours of January 15, exactly an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.
The Mammalian Daily will publish the list on its web site as soon as it is made public.
Vertebrate Vision TV’s investigation into viewer illness continues: spokesAnimal
Eighty per cent of Park Animals who were hospitalized after watching a scented television show on December 27 remain in hospital, according to a joint update issued by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS),
The Animals were among those who arrived at the hospital roughly a half-hour into the show’s broadcast on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV). Their symptoms included dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems, and hair loss.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like what happened here that night,” said Hermione Hippo, the Park Hospital’s head nurse, at a short press conference last week.
The holiday show was a joint project of VVTV, Chef Tab Tricolore, and gewper, The Park’s only scented social networking site. RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the companies that supplied the show’s scent, now find themselves under investigation by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), while VVTV launched its own investigation on December 28. The findings of that investigation are expected to be made public sometime in March, a VVTV spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.
Meanwhile, the sickly cohort is expected to remain at the hospital at least until the middle of the month, Hippo says.
“They’re just beginning to be able to walk without toppling over, and they’re taking small amounts of food. They’re moving in a positive direction, but very slowly,” she said.
A new book authored by three distinguished professors at the University of West Terrier suggests that zoocracy is still a hard sell outside The Park.[pullquote]The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. It is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition [and] a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make.—Dr. Luule Aednik[/pullquote]
The book, entitled, “In Spite of Ourselves: Animal Attitudes Toward Zoocracy Outside The Park,” has caused quite a stir here and has garnered both positive and negative reviews, as citizens and media attempt to digest the authors’ conclusions.
“I admit that it’s difficult to understand their [Animals outside The Park] perspective, but I don’t think that difficulty should negate the significance of our findings,” says Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the UWT’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy.
Those findings suggest that Animals who live outside The Park, and particularly those who live either in a domestic situation or in close contact with Humans, are reluctant to give up what they believe to be their “perks” for what they perceive to be a much more difficult life.
“In some cases, it is a misperception, while in other cases, we would have to agree that some Animals who live with Humans have a much easier life, at least in terms of food security and housing,” says Fionnula L. Fox, a UWT professor law who specializes in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).
Still, as psychology professor Luule Aednik points out, much of that so-called security is tenuous.
“When we look—just even at our immigration and refugee statistics here in The Park—we see that Animals who had thought they would be safe and well-cared for indefinitely have had to face abandonment and worse. That is how they’ve come to be Park citizens in the first place,” she says.
All three authors admit, however, that it is difficult to persuade Animals who believe they are living “the good life” to trade that in for total responsibility, not just for themselves, but for their fellow citizens.
“The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. What we do know for certain is that it is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition. It’s a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make. In many cases, they simply are not willing to sacrifice short-term comfort for long-term gain,” Aednik says.
That’s all folks! At least for 2015. As we prepare to go forward, we take a look back at 2015 in The Park. Best wishes for a safe and happy 2016!
The Does of Peace: The Park’s accidental heroines
BREAKING NEWS
The Mammalian Daily has chosen the Does of Peace as its 2015 Animals of the Year.
In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour The Park’s newest peacekeeping group because of their “tireless and graceful efforts” to achieve peace and harmony among the species.
“As Alfredo Ox said so eloquently last year, they have added a whole new dimension to peacekeeping in The Park,” Haas said.
It was their inauspicious beginning that makes their success even more noteworthy, Haas wrote. Referring to them on more than one occasion as “The Park’s accidental heroines,” the editor reflected on the serendipity that brought them to their present position. In September of 2014, the Does responded to a recruitment advertisement sent out by the Doves of Peace. The printed ad included a typo, which altered “Doves” to “Does,” and the Does hastened to attend the recruitment event.
The peace-loving Animals that they are, they responded without anger to being sent away. But, to their credit, the Doves had a quick change of heart and hired the Does, producing, as Doves spokesBird Georgina Golub calls them, “the most gentle, caring, and effective peacekeeping group” she has ever known.
The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of the Does of Peace and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2016.
Anselm Alpaca
Former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist
Xanthippe Porcupine
Theatre lover and self-described “greatest fan” of Millicent Hayberry
Percy Manatee
Reginald David Hawk
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009
Wilbur H. Milkfish
Orville Gibbon
Sophia Theresa Squid
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009
Priscilla Goose
Pyramus Sloth
Dalton Aardvark
Althea Firefly
Abigail Stickleback
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008
Englebert Leopard
Served as a volunteer at CatsCare for ten years
Petronila Hummingbird
Liliana Lemur
Nelson Mosquitofish
Eleni Cheetah
Avid supporter of ZooLit
Albertine Gastrotrich
Nausikaa Tortoise
Beatrice Mayfly
Nicola Anastasia Platypus
Faithfully served as Archon in 2012
Oberon Pelican
Émile Homard
Micaela Rhinoceros
Zulema Salamander
Abraham Whistlepig
Research Assistant, Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening
Henrietta Gerta Beaver; Gregory Wapiti; Norman D.R. Moose; Humphrey Possum; Farrah Gastrotrich; Dustin Gastrotrich; Ingeborg Gastrotrich; Kaillie Gastrotrich; Berta Gastrotrich; Rowena Cougar; Iraida Whistlepig; Elvin Baboon; Karl Kodkod, Zachary Lézard, Zaida Raposa; Hester Hawk; Rosa Elefante; Ian Douglas Shepherd; Calista Cormorant; Miriam Mayfly; Hendrix Albatross; Beatrix Toad; Erwin Toad; Garman Toad; Ivana Bluebird; Tillie Tarsier; Benedict Okapi; Lilita Shrew; Lucas Shrew; Benito Lobo.
Scented TV makes strange bedfellows: Chef Tab Tricolore and nurse Hermione Hippo tended to the sick at Park Hospital
DEVELOPING STORY
The Park’s first scented television show delivered more than it promised, according to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.
The hour-long show, which aired last night at 8:00 p.m. on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV), was billed by its producers as a “great experiment,” but none anticipated that the experiment would result in a rush to the emergency department.
A spokesAnimal for the Park Hospital said that at about 8:35, emergency room staff began to triage a “horde” of incoming patients, all of whom said they fell ill while watching the show.
“The symptoms were all the same: dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems…some had even lost tail or toe hairs. We had to assume it was caused by the show, even though we have no idea how that could happen,” the spokesAnimal said.
Hospital officials said they immediately contacted RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., creators of The Park’s only scented social networking site, gewper. It was gewper that supplied the scented aspect of the show, which it developed with Chef Tab Tricolore and VVTV.
The hospital spokesAnimal said they received a “terse reply” from both companies, saying it was impossible that the Animals had been sickened by the show. Vertebrate Vision Televison, however, issued a statement early this morning, expressing its “profound regrets” regarding any ill effects that viewers had suffered.
“We have launched an investigation into all possible causes of the illness and we will report our findings as soon as possible,” the statement said.
For his part, Chef Tricolore said he was “distraught” at the outcome of the broadcast and he rushed to the Park Hospital to offer any assistance he could.
“I have the utmost respect for my customers and my viewers,” he said. “My goal is to please, not to produce disease.”
“All Our Lines Are Busy.” Full staff represents the importance of music in Park life.
The Park Museum will host a fundraiser on February 29, 2016 in support of its as-yet-unopened music gallery.
In an announcement today, the museum’s Board of Governors invited all Park Animals to “a spectacular night of song, dance, food, and fun.” All proceeds, according to the announcement, will go toward the completion of the music gallery.
A spokesAnimal for the Board said the evening’s theme of “All Our Lines Are Busy” is meant to reflect the importance of The Park’s vibrant arts community and, in particular, its musical one.
“From the beginning, music has been a very important component of our life here,” said the spokesAnimal. “The Board of Governors, as well as many others, believe that music is fundamental to zoocratic life. Without a full [musical] staff, we would not be The Park that we are.”
The Board has requested that those attending respond at rsvp@parkmuseum.info.
The museum’s invitation may be read here.
The theme of this year’s travel advisory is “Think Safety.
As they issued their annual advisory for travel both inside and outside The Park, the police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) warned Animals to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with Humans this holiday season.
“As usual, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. But be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.
In particular, Animals are warned against interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.
“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.
“The sentimentality of the season has always affected Human behaviour and made them more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.
“But this year, that urge may be stronger, with many more Humans having been combatants in war or having been displaced from their homelands. Under normal circumstances, Humans easily lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny and believe they’re doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families. Under even more strained circumstances, they can begin to believe that Animals exist for their own benefit and comfort,” he says.
Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:
Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
DWBS will deliver the “State of Hate” report early in the new year
The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it will deliver its report on the state of hate in The Park early in January 2016.[pullquote]We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals.—2015 Archons, DWBS[/pullquote]
DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo addressed the issue at a press conference this morning.
“It is our duty to report that, as requested by the Archons, the members of our department have completed the task of analyzing the number and severity of incidents of a hateful and/or specist nature that occurred in The Park over the past three years. We will be presenting this report to the Archons before their term ends on January 16,” he said.
The report has been divided into three parts, Kakapo said. The first part will offer a “full analysis” of the incidents that occurred. The second part will focus on the reasons for these acts of hate, while the third part of the report will offer what Kakapo called a “range” of recommendations for reducing—and eventually eliminating—these kinds of incidents.
In their original mandate, the Archons emphasized that the perpetrators of these incidents were a “small minority.” Kakapo said the department had come to the same conclusion, but he acknowledged that The Park had seen its worst year ever in this regard and he cited the arrest of six Animals for stripespotting and the establishment of the SplotchWatch web site as evidence of that.
He concluded the press event by echoing the Archons’ words:
“We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals.”
