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Winners of tickets to Barkettes’ free concert to be announced Tuesday

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Barkettes #4 ticket

Will you be one of the lucky ones?

The winners of the lottery for tickets to the Barkettes’ free concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond will be announced tomorrow.

In a joint statement released this morning, the promoter, Iglu Entertainment, and the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, confirmed that the winners will be selected in a live presentation that will be held outside the law courts and broadcast on a number of Park television stations.

The statement also confirmed that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will preside over the selection process but will not personally handle any of the ticket requests.

The presentation will begin at 11:00 in the morning. According to the concert’s organizers, there are 20,000 tickets up for grabs, including direct skyview tickets. There are also at least 2,000 underwater spaces available.

The free concert will honour the memory of the Tartan Crab, the victim of The Park’s most famous unsolved murder. The Crab, who was Nestor’s pet, was brutally murdered eight years ago and Police still have no idea of the identity of the crime’s perpetrator.

The July 26 concert, which begins at 8:00 p.m., is the only free event announced thus far in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ Bring Your Own Bone Tour. The Park leg of the tour will wrap up at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre in August.

Millicent Hayberry eulogizes superfan at Saturday’s memorial service

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Millicent Hayberry

Hayberry eulogized superfan Xanthippe Porcupine at Saturday’s memorial service

Outside the Burrow Theatre yesterday, Millicent Hayberry acknowledged the contributions of Xanthippe Porcupine, her “greatest fan,” and held court afterwards, signing autographs and mixing with the crowd at what some in attendance called a “bizarre combination of memorial service, self-promotion, and lovefest.”

At times unusually restrained and at others downright effusive, Hayberry spoke almost lovingly of an Animal whom she had at first feared.

“I was young, inexperienced, and unused to such focused attention,” she told the crowd of mourners standing under the bright sun. “Xanthippe changed all that for me.”

Hayberry said she’d found that one of the consequences of having a superfan was that she had to fight to maintain a more objective view of herself and her work. But, at the same time, Porcupine’s recommendations provided a balance.

“Xanthippe was never critical, even when she made suggestions, which other actors would have found outrageous and presumptuous. But she had a good ear and was particular about cadence and, in the end, I believe that made my performances better,” she said.

Among the others who spoke at the memorial was Porcupine’s daughter Carys, who thanked Hayberry for agreeing to give the eulogy, while gently teasing her about never feeling as important to her mother as Hayberry was.

“I was, in fact, my mother’s only daughter, but I always felt as if I were her second and Millicent Hayberry was her first,” she joked. “My only regret is that my mother wasn’t able to hear the wonderful things you said about her today.”

Porcupine was laid to rest in a private burial Saturday evening.

Second Tree found hacked in Park

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second tree hacked

Jerzy Szop stands inside what remains of his longtime residence

BREAKING NEWS

A second Park Tree has been hacked in the night.

In a statement issued at nine o’clock this morning, Park Police confirmed that a Maple Tree outside The Battering Ram Café was found to have suffered “significant damage.”

“At five-thirty this morning, Park Police were called to the scene after several patrons exiting the [Battering Ram] Café noticed the destruction,” the statement said.

Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said that his team is investigating what he called the “utter devastation” of a Park landmark.

“We have called in a Tree doctor, but we fear it may not survive until tomorrow,” Addax said in a telephone interview.

The Maple Tree, which is believed to be one of The Park’s oldest Trees, has been home to Jerzy Szop for the past three years. Szop says he is “shaken to the core” at the loss of his home.

“I feel violated,” he said, as he stood inside what remains of his residence. Holding a parasol for protection against the midday sun, Szop said he felt “completely disoriented” after arriving home from a late-night food gathering expedition to discover that he no longer had a home.

Szop says he doesn’t know if he’ll continue to live in The Park, even though he’s had multiple offers of shelter.

“I’ve completely lost trust in Park life,” he moaned, as his friends and family gathered around to support him.

Hayberry superfan succumbs to illness

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Tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine

This tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine appeared outside the Burrow Theatre

BREAKING NEWS

Xanthippe Porcupine, who proclaimed herself to be actress Millicent Hayberry’s “greatest fan,” died last night at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. She was six years old.

The death was confirmed in a statement released by Porcupine’s daughter Carys, this morning.

“It is with great sadness that the family of Xanthippe Porcupine announces her death last night, after a long illness. Xanthippe was a great daughter, sister, friend, mate, mother, and grandmother. But, above all, she liked to think of herself as Millicent Hayberry’s greatest fan. Her family will always be grateful to the actress, who always expressed kindness and appreciation when she met Xanthippe,” the statement read.

Porcupine attended a record number of Hayberry performances before she became ill, but she was probably best known for keeping a two-month vigil outside the Park Hospital while Hayberry recovered from an attack by another fan on the set of the film production of “Mixed Nuts” in 2011.

A memorial service is planned for Porcupine on Saturday. Millicent Hayberry could not be reached for comment.

This year’s first case of Small Ball Fever diagnosed at Park Hospital

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Small Ball FeverBREAKING NEWS

The Park has seen its first case of Small Ball Fever this year.

In a statement issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm said the hospital “is confirming the first case of Small Ball Fever (SBF) in 2015.”

According to Hermione Hippo, the hospital’s head nurse and Assistant Professor at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, the hospital expects to see a resurgence of the disease this year.

Hippo, who will be delivering a lecture on Small Ball Fever at the university next week, said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio) that The Park was “spared” for a while due to June’s heavy rainfall.

“For a while, it looked as though we might escape any incidence of SBF this year. Last year, we experienced the lowest incidence of any year since 2005, when we started gathering statistics. But the surge in temperatures has brought out an almost record number of small balls,” she said.

Hippo also confirmed that the hospital has hired a ball watcher as well as a ball catcher for the Summer months.

“With the sudden rise in temperatures, we were seeing small balls entering The Park from every direction and we needed a lot of help keeping up with them. We are storing them in a safe, temperature-controlled room at the hospital and we intend to return them at some point later in the Autumn,” she said.

Small Ball Fever occurs because small balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued a Small Ball Fever warning, as well, advising Animals who think they may be experiencing any of the above symptoms to report immediately to the hospital. It has also directed all Animals to its online pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.”

PFO head’s remark hints at new attitude to tourism promotion

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2015 Budget

 

In an interview yesterday with reporter Alfonsina Cavalletta of the Serangga Star Adviser, the head of the Park Finance Office (PFO) said she believed that tourism is “organic” and may not require much help from officials.

In response to a question about the promotion of tourism in The Park, Valentina Abeja said she believed that “tourism is an organic force and it builds on itself and from itself.”

Later in the interview, Abeja, who took office in February of this year, expanded on her views regarding tourism and its importance to The Park.

“I’ve listened to many of our shopkeepers over the past few months and they say they believe strongly that tourism is irrelevant to their bottom line. In some cases, I must say that I agree with them. In other cases, I think we could improve on our past ventures. I think we need to promote ourselves to a different kind of Human, as well as to domestic Animals. I think we missed the mark there. Perhaps if we bypass the Humans altogether and go directly to their Animal companions, we will attract a more profitable tourist. As it stands, however, our attempts have not yielded significant gains. I believe we need to revisit this area entirely,” she said.

Abeja will present the 2016 Park Budget in August.

“Harmonious” pair newest tool to promote rapport among Park’s young

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Harmonious pair

Harmonious Humphrey (left) and Harmonious Hannah will make their debut on Sunday

Meet Harmonious Humphrey and Harmonious Hannah.

The pair of stuffed toys, whose creation was commissioned by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), are set to make their professional debut this week, at July’s first Stereotype Sunday.

“We are very pleased to introduce them…our new mascots of interspecial harmony,” said DWBS Public Relations Director Cornelius Kakapo at a press gathering this afternoon. The gathering was held outside the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, where the weekly event occurs.

The stuffed Animals, who stand five and a half feet tall, were available for photographs for only a short time today before they were whisked away to an undisclosed location. According to Kakapo, they won’t appear again until Sunday.

“We just wanted to give you a heads-up,” he told reporters, smiling wryly as he handed out information packets to the media.

This is the first initiative to promote interspecial harmony that has been aimed at youth, Kakapo said.

“Our youth are the future of The Park. We need to focus more on them, on training their minds and hearts, steering them in the direction of harmony, equality, and justice. Because it is far easier to plant a seed than it is to relocate a tree,” he said.

The stuffed pair will make the rounds at this week’s Stereotype Sunday, encouraging young Animals to ask questions about other species and to make new friends.

“We’ll be watching their [the harmonious pair’s] progress and tweaking their rôle along the way,” Kakapo said.

This week’s Stereotype Sunday will take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre from 1:00 pm until 6:00 pm.

Extinction Anxiety Clinic to open second location next year

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Extinction AnxietyThe Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will open a second location early next year.

The clinic’s head, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, made the announcement in the following communiqué released to the press this morning:

“Since the first Extinction Anxiety Clinic opened in January 2013, our team has assisted Park Animals who experience the debilitating effects of Extinction Anxiety (EA) every day. Thousands of Animals have been the beneficiaries of our work, but we know there is much more to do. For this reason, we have decided to open a second clinic early in the new year.

It is our hope that expanding our premises to accommodate the growing number of Animals who experience EA will also enable us to expand our services beyond what we are able to offer presently. EA is a rapidly growing field and we look forward to having the opportunity to offer our patients the latest techniques based on the most recent research findings.”

According to the communiqué, the new clinic will be located in a building adjacent to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. The clinic will take over a space that was previously used by the Small Ball Fever Research Group.

Archons ask DWBS for report on “state of hate” as SplotchWatch trial continues

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State of Hate report

“State of Hate in The Park” report will be compiled by DWBS this year

BREAKING NEWS

In an unprecedented move, the 2015 Archons have requested a report from the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) on what they call the “state of hate” in The Park.

After an emergency meeting of the Archons and the DWBS that concluded at 9:30 this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta released a statement announcing that the Department of Well-Being and Safety had agreed to compile the report and deliver it to the Archons before the end of the year.

According to the Archons’ statement, the report will be based on incidents of a hateful and specist nature that have occurred in The Park over the last three years.

While the statement did not name specific incidents, the Archons acknowledged that certain events that have occurred in the recent past had forced them to take a closer look at hate and specism in The Park.

“While we are, in no way, implying that the majority of Park Animals hold these types of prejudices or are inclined toward violence or hatred, we do wish to acknowledge that there is a growing tendency among a small minority to act in ways that are harmful to The Park and its citizens,” the Archons said in their statement.

The arrest of six Animals for stripespotting last week and the ongoing trial of the owner of the SplotchWatch web site have made many in The Park uncomfortable and fearful, the statement said.

“We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals,” the statement concluded.

The Park Museum presents…”The Wall”

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Dorika Pumi, curator at The Park Museum, has produced a simple yet powerful piece entitled, “Pet Project: Monikers of Domestication,” to honour Enforced Domestication Awareness Month in The Park:

Pumi used one whole museum wall at the west side of the main building, as the backdrop for the video.

“There is no voiceover or commentary,” Pumi emphasizes. “The video speaks for itself.”

“The Wall,” as Pumi refers to it, will be on display at the museum until the end of the year.

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