The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Police confirm early morning break-in at Holstein Fashion’s main factory

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Holstein Fashion

Police confirmed an early morning break-in at the main factory of Holstein Fashion

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police have confirmed that an early morning break-in occurred at the main factory of Holstein Fashion on Monday.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed the break-in, saying only that it occurred in the early morning hours of Monday, June 1.

They refused to offer any other details, including whether anything was stolen or destroyed.

“We can’t divulge that information right now,” Inspector Addax told a reporter from The Mammalian Daily. “It would get in the way of the investigation.”

Addax would only say that there were “no injuries to any Animals” as a result of the break-in. For her part, Inspector Fossa said that her unit was called in subsequent to the SHCU’s investigation.

“They were called to the scene after Park Police were alerted to the occurrence of suspicious noises at the factory by a passerby,” Fossa said. “Approximately one hour and forty minutes later, my unit received a call to attend at the scene.”

Also present at the press conference was Cornelius Kakapo, the Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS). While Inspectors Addax and Fossa refused to speculate on the motives of the perpetrator or perpetrators of the crime, Kakapo was quick to assure Park Animals that they are safe and he recommended “going about our business as usual.”

“This is a nuisance crime,” he said. “It is not a crime that implies either a generalized or specific threat.”

Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: The Official Schedule of Events

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The Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations are pleased to release the following Official Schedule of Events for the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month:

[table]
Date,Event,Location
6/1-30, It Could Happen To You: Tools of Domestication Exhibit and Recorded Presentation, Park Museum,
6/1-30, Domestication in the Piscine World: Interactive Exhibit,University of West Terrier Underwater Campus
6/1-30, Collar and Tag Surrender and Exchange, Footpad Heaven
6/2, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/ 6,“Super Goof” comic launch ,New Harmony Theatre
6/8, Experts Live Panel Discussion (participants to be announced), University of West Terrier
6/9, Squeakeasy in the Afternoon: Victims’ Stories Noon-5, The Squeakeasy
6/ 9, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/10,The Psychological Effects of Domestication: Panel Discussion/Q & A, Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm
6/12, Tab Tricolore hosts All You Can Eat Free, The Tabby Club & The Broop ‘n Miaow
6/13, Karaoke Night for The Domesticated Blues hosted by The Cynics, The Pound Gastropub
6/15, Advice for the Formerly Domesticated: Medical Updates plus Q & A, Extinction Anxiety Clinic
6/16, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/18, Dear Noreen: Is All Domestication Enforced?, University of West Terrier
June 19-21, LeTwiggery Avian Event: Come in and get your coupon for a free Ready-to-Feather™ Nest!, LeTwiggery
6/21, Concert of Celebration, The Draft
06/22, Holstein Fashion for EQUALSS: 50% off Spring inventory; lots of free items; get your “I Love My Stripes and Spots” button; coupon for free 3-course meal at The Tabby Club, Footpad Heaven
6/23, Domestic Poetry Reading, The Squeakeasy
6/25-26, Victims’ Stories (register at DWBS to tell your story), Ancient Open-Air Theatre
6/28, Time for Inspiration: Free tour of Imogen Aardeekhoorn’s burrow, The Burrow Theatre
6/30, Concert for Charity (Purchase The Feral Four’s new single TNR. All proceeds go to CatsCare) , Ancient Open-Air Theatre
6/30, Concert After-Party, The PurrBoy Café@The Park Museum

[/table]

Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: Schedule of Events released

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Enforced Domestication 1The 2015 Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, have released the official schedule of events for Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.[pullquote]I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin.—Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo [/pullquote]

In a short speech this morning during which she declared the event open, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo seemed visibly moved as she spoke of her pride in the growth of the month-long event.

“This is only our third Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, yet we have seen such an increase not only in our awareness, but in our willingness to talk about this issue. I take great pride in my involvement and I want to say that I am proud and humbled by our formerly domesticated citizens, whose bravery in discussing the reality of their lives inspires me every day of every month.

I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin,” she said.

This year’s events have expanded in number and location to include several Park art galleries, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and most Park shops and grooming houses.

The official schedule of events will be posted at the law courts, the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and at all Park shops. The Mammalian Daily will also issue a pullout printed version, as well as posting the schedule online.

Does of Peace to attend at grooming houses, no ruling on matter yet: Dindon

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The Does of Peace will be at grooming houses until 6:30 p.m. tonight

BREAKING NEWS

Calling the issue “too important and too complex for a hasty weekend ruling,” Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon has stayed the proceedings involving the request for an injunction against police presence at The Park’s grooming houses today and, instead, has requested that the Does of Peace take their place.

The Justice of The Park’s Superior Court made a brief statement late last night in which he explained that the matter under consideration was worthy of a great deal more “sober” thought than he could give it this weekend.

“I could not deliver a fair and balanced ruling in the little time afforded me before the Fowl Ball,” he said, as he read from a short, prepared speech.

“For this reason, I have called on the Does of Peace for assistance in the matter. Given the involvement of the Doves of Peace in Sunday’s Ball, I thought it better to make the request of the Does,” he said.

Speaking on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), applauded the decision.

“I think the Justice has done brilliantly and, on behalf of The Park’s grooming houses, I applaud his decision. Let the Fowl Ball begin!” he said.

The Does of Peace agreed to the Justice’s request and will be outside The Park’s grooming houses from 8:00 a.m. until 6:30 this evening.

No rest for the judiciary: ruling to come on grooming house call for injunction

By

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will rule on injunction request later today

Sometimes, there’s just no rest for the judiciary.

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon arrived at The Park’s Superior Court this morning at 7:00 a.m. He is expected to rule later today on the request for an injunction against the police that was brought by The Park’s grooming houses late yesterday afternoon.[pullquote]It is not the rôle of the police to guard against crime; it is their place to be ready to attend when laws are broken. This may seem as if it’s a very fine line, but it is not. It is a very thick line and attempting to thin it is menacing.—Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law, University of West Terrier [/pullquote]

In its petition for an injunction against the stationing of officers outside their businesses, the grooming houses appealed to the Justice on a number of issues including harm to customer relations, disruption of business, loss of income, and loss of reputation.

But the one issue that stands out among them and that will give the Justice pause, say legal experts, is the issue of destabilizing The Park and threatening zoocracy.

“The stationing of police on private property where no crime has taken place is a very serious matter. It may look at first, as if it is about the issue of peacekeeping, but if you delve more deeply into it, you see that such an aggressive act is indeed a threat to our very zoocracy,” says Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) agrees.

“Our zoocracy was founded on the right to free expression and free assembly. The Animals who caused the stampede last year did not break the law by complaining; they broke the law by acting in a violent fashion and by hurting each other. But it is not the rôle of the police to guard against crime; it is their place to be ready to attend when laws are broken. This may seem as if it’s a very fine line, but it is not. It is a very thick line and attempting to thin it is menacing,” she says.

Mr. Justice Dindon will hear presentations from both sides this morning and he is expected to rule on the matter late in the day.

Tinamou: “We’re ready to call it. Month Without Metaphor is a roaring success.”

By

MonthWMAlvin Tinamou has never been one to shy away from anything, be it controversy or, as in this case, success.

In fact, the publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of May’s annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) admits that he happily “goes where other species fear to tread.”

And so it was last year, when Tinamou trod into the minefield of Park journalism and had the audacity to suggest that its descriptions were “overblown” and that our journalism overused metaphors to explain simple concepts.

“I was vilified, of course,” he said yesterday, at the conclusion of his radio show on AVN Radio (286.7).

“But then, something happened. In the silence that followed all the calls for me to apologize, it appeared that some actual thought occurred on the part of editors and reporters. And much to my surprise, many of The Park’s media signed on to my ‘great experiment’ to see if we could leave behind many of the standard metaphors that have become the hallmark of Park media and tell our stories in a much cleaner way. Not simpler in terms of concept, but in terms of language. And, I have to say, it’s been a roaring success, if you’ll excuse the metaphor. We have learned a tremendous amount in the two years the experiment has been going,” he said.

Tinamou’s radio show wraps up on Sunday and he says the challenge now is to keep the momentum going.

“We’ll have to work hard not to slip back into mindless metaphors and similes…to do the work we need to do rather than to be formulaic,” he says.

As for the rumours that he will be joining the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier this Autumn, Tinamou will say only that he’s “flattered.”

“They’ve not asked me and even if they had, I wouldn’t leave my present position [at The Avian Messenger], even for a part-time faculty appointment,” he says.

Fowl Ball face-off: Police to be stationed outside grooming houses this Sunday

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Grooming houses to have police stationed outside on Sunday

Park Police have decided to station at least one officer outside each of The Park’s grooming houses on Sunday, May 31, the day of the second annual Fowl Ball.

The decision was announced this afternoon in the following communiqué:

“In an effort to prevent a repeat of last year’s difficulties, and after consultation with the Archons and with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), Park Police have taken the decision to station at least one officer outside each grooming house during the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 6:30 p.m.”

Grooming house owners were swift to react to the communiqué.

“This is outrageous,” said Tano Pagun, co-owner of The Pluming Room.

“I don’t understand why they consulted with the Archons and the DWBS, but they didn’t consult with us,” said Tallulah, owner of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which 68 Animals were injured in last Spring’s “stampede.”

“We don’t want police at our door,” she said. “We have businesses to run and our clients are not going to feel comfortable with this situation.”

Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, echoed that sentiment and went even further:

“We dealt with this ourselves, subsequent to the disaster last year, in an open and honest fashion. We worked with PASS [Park Asssociation of Shops and Services), held public consultations, and announced our findings along with our report. We had no problems during the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) and, up until now, we considered the matter closed,” she said.

Wellington Whistlepig, current PASS President, agrees.

“We worked with the grooming houses, before and after the report was released, to make sure they had adequate resources and employees for big events such as this. I see no reason to involve the police ahead of time and, quite frankly, as an Animal in business, I am offended by this aggressive move,” he said.

See also: Grooming house stampede “logical outcome” of changing times: PASS

Park Weather Makers make impassioned plea at Agrarian Jubilee

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Weather Makers

Logo of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park

It was impromptu and it was impassioned.[pullquote]By supporting your local weather makers, you support The Park’s cultivators and growers and ensure the best food supply to Park residents, which, in turn, ensures a better, more secure, and more prosperous life for all.—WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear [/pullquote]

Between sets by Eggie and The Pigs at Saturday’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, Kalliope Sun Bear, president  of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), took to the stage, grabbed the microphone from its stand, and uttered a heartfelt plea to the powers that be (i.e., the Park Finance Officers):

“We have seen the results of the faulty decision-making by the Park Finance Office over the past several years: the purchase of weather from outside The Park; the export of better weather produced by our own members; the resultant food shortages and increasing reliance on the importing of necessities, including food; the support of initiatives such as tourism, that have a detrimental effect on life in The Park…the list goes on.

I implore you to take a step back in order to ensure a better future for The Park and its citizens. By supporting your local weather makers, you support The Park’s cultivators and growers and ensure the best food supply to Park residents, which, in turn, ensures a better, more secure, and more prosperous life for all,” she said.

Her plea comes at a crucial time: just last week, Valentina Abeja, the new head of the Park Finance Office, announced that she would present the 2016 budget on August 1. That leaves a substantial amount of time, Sun Bear believes, to rethink our weather policy and to adjust the figures in its favour.

“I hadn’t at all planned on saying anything at the Jubilee. It’s traditionally a time of celebration, of looking forward toward the new growing season and the coming bounty. But I looked out at the crowd and I saw all the [members of] Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers and I thought, ‘Something has to be said on their behalf.’ I can’t look at them and not feel their fear…their insecurity. It seemed like a great place to start a discussion, with such a massive turnout,” Sun Bear said in an interview after her speech.

“I know the crowd was with me. I just hope the Finance Office heard us, too,” she said.

Delay over, Tab Tricolore’s “La Langue au Repos” to open at PMoCA June 6

By

The Tongue At Rest

“La Langue au Repos/The Tongue at Rest” opens June 6 at PMoCA

The long-awaited and much-delayed 2015 art installation overseen by renowned Chef Tab Tricolore is set to open at the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) on Saturday, June 6.

The installation, which is entitled, “La Langue au Repos/The Tongue at Rest,” is a collaborative effort among Tricolore and five other Park artists who were chosen by Tricolore himself.

“Not all the artists I chose work in media that are, strictly speaking, the visual arts,” Tricolore said at a press conference yesterday.

“It was a stretch for many of us to translate what we do best into this medium. But I think we have succeeded admirably. My compatriots are great artists in their own right and I am honoured to have had the opportunity to work with them. I will be eternally grateful to them, for reasons only they and I will ever fully understand,” he said.

The other “artists” chosen by Tricolore are renowned autochthonous artist Hervé Huard, Nesthetics designer Romulus Bowerbird, choreographer Gustav Hermelin, Slow Artist Fionn-Fionnoula T. Snail, Clementina Araña, and Reekabilly singer and composer Faramund Stinktier.

While Tricolore served as creative director of the project, he was quick to emphasize its collaborative nature.

“We all have the greatest respect, not only for each other and for each other’s work, but for the medium in which each of us expresses ourselves most often,” he said. “There was no competition among us. The competition was to produce the best art installation the PMoCA could ever host.”

This installation will be the first to open at the museum since its announcement last April that it intends to host an annual art installation. The PMoCA’s curator, Aamuun Maroodiga, was not involved with the installation, the museum says, since it was initiated last Autumn and her tenure began in March. It was the museum’s former curator, Dorika Pumi, who signed off on the project.

See also: Tab Tricolore: Working on this art installation has saved me

Park’s journalism failing us all: Dean

By

Don't read that!

“Don’t read that!” says Dean Gertrude C. Owl of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism

“There’s no other way to put it: our  journalism is failing us all in The Park.”

So said Gertrude C. Owl during her guest appearance on Alvin Tinamou’s Month Without Metaphor radio show on Wednesday afternoon.[pullquote] I see a creeping Humanization, not in the selection of stories so much, but in the style of reporting. —Gertrude C. Owl, Dean, Cuthbert School of Journalism[/pullquote]

The Dean of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier went on to launch a scathing attack on Park media. No medium, genre, or publication escaped her criticism, including The Mammalian Daily.

“What are they doing quoting gossip [web] sites, such as headsNTales? What happened to good old investigative journalism? Is it true or is it not true? Are you ready to call it or wait for more confirmation? How does quoting a source at headsNTales substitute for that?” she asked.

Tinamou sounded momentarily stunned, then bounced back to agree with Owl.

“I think we may be pandering to the crowd a bit too much these days. Or, as I say, using overblown language to tell what is an important story,” he said

Owl went further, insinuating that Park media was become “Humanized.”

“I know that reputable publications, such as The Mammalian Daily, cover important Park issues and that they don’t refer to the species of the Animals involved in their stories unless it is of some relevance. But I see a creeping Humanization, not in the selection of stories so much, but in the style of reporting,” she said.

“We have to remember, Humans are very different Animals; we must not emulate them. While Humans seem unable to see the big picture, Park Animals are much more aware of the consequences of actions. We must not always be bringing the story down to one element or one participant. Journalism has a raw power than is diminished by such a tactic.”

Owl, who was a popular guest, will join Tinamou again at the end of the month to discuss what she calls “writing clean.”

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