The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 0215—DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

By

Non-Hibernators' Guilt

Do you have NHG? Don’t suffer in silence. Visit a pop-up clinic today!

BREAKING NEWS

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

OTD in 2015—Endangered species band announces dates, venues for “The Farewell Tour”

By

Endangered species band

Last Stand band announced today that it will begin touring in the new year

Last Stand, the newly-formed band whose members all hail from endangered species, has announced the dates and venues of its “Farewell Tour.”

In a press release issued today, the band’s founder and lead guitarist, who goes by the name of RAYdius, declared his band to be “ready, willing, and able to embark on its first and last tour.”

But this may just be the beginning. In a radio interview yesterday, RAYdius expressed his hope that there would be more concerts to announce. He also put out a call to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations that the new band would love to receive an invitation to appear at some of The Park’s major events.

“We’re hoping to be invited to the swearing-in ceremony of the new Archons and to the Groundhog Day celebrations, but so far, we haven’t heard anything,” he said.

Tickets for the first concert, at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will go on sale on Monday, December 14.

OTD in 2016—Celebrity chef to feature food of the feral world in new TV series

By

Tab TricoloreCelebrity chef Tab Tricolore will try his hand at television again in the new year.

In a run-up to his first Feral Roots Festival in July, the chef and restaurateur will host a television series on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV) featuring the “foods of the feral world.”

In a joint announcement across all media, VVTV and Tricolore shared their excitement about the show and emphasized their commitment to each other, despite their troubles last year.

In a separate post on his GooseBook page, Tricolore talked about his own feral roots and his relationship with the feral community outside The Park, where he was born.

“On food gathering missions for my many restaurants, I’ve had the privilege of reconnecting with the feral communities outside The Park. They have been enormously generous to me, sharing their crops and their recipes and I look forward to doing the same with my audience. Thank you again, Vertebrate Vision, for this great opportunity,” the post said, in part.

The television series will be broadcast on Tuesday nights, beginning in February 2018, a spokesAnimal for VVTV told The Mammalian Daily.

OTD in 2014—Celebrity Chef arrested outside Park

By

Tab Tricolore: "You have to offer an extraordinary culinary experience or else Animals will not dine at your restaurant."

Chef Tab Tricolore has been arrested outside The Park

BREAKING NEWS (18:00 Park time)
Celebrity Chef and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has been arrested outside The Park, according to the staff at his fine dining restaurant, Klo.

The owner of three other restaurants, Clowder, Coda, and The Tabby Club, as well as the the soon-to-be-opened PurrBoy Café at the Park Museum, was last seen at Klo this morning.

“He left at about 11:00. He went on one of his regular trips outside The Park, to source ingredients for tonight’s special,” said Klo manager Léopard Mirepoix. He declined to say what the special was.

“I saw him leave The Park and I haven’t seen him since. He was due back within the hour.”

Mirepoix said he thought nothing of Tricolore’s lateness until Footpad Heaven manager Adamma Bandicoot arrived at Klo. She told him that she’d seen the chef cross the border and believed that he’d been arrested.

“He was picked up, in any case. I’m not sure whether it was by police or another Human service. They were wearing uniforms and they were carrying a mobile prison cell,” she said.

Mirepoix confirmed that Tricolore had left his chef’s hat at the restaurant, so it is unlikely the Humans knew who he was.

Although Klo intends to remain open tonight, Tricolore’s other restaurants will be closed so that staff members can join Park Police in their search for the chef.

“We are all outraged and frightened,”  Mirepoix said. “His well-being is all we can think about.”

OTD in 2014—It’s official: Thisbe and the Barkettes to embark on reunion tour in 2015

By

halcyondaysBREAKING NEWS
There will be halcyon days again, at least for the fans of Thisbe and the Barkettes.

At a press conference held this morning, the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, confirmed that the group will embark on a reunion tour in the Spring of 2015.

While not all venues have been confirmed, there are four concerts scheduled in The Park: two at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, one at the Wishing Well and one at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

“We are extremely excited to bring you this news and we look forward to seeing you in the coming year,” Blaft said.

Blaft also confirmed that the group will make a “short appearance” at next month’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

Tickets for the first two concerts will go on sale this Spring.

OTD in 2016—Prestigious prize goes to UWT professor for pioneering work on harrumphocytes

By

UWT COATDr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.

The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”

Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s  “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals.  Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.

When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.

Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.

OTD in 2015—A Hare as a spare? Park Election Office to designate runner-up in POPS election

By

POPS BREAKING NEWS

Now that 2016 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Adelheid Whistlepig is safely ensconced in her burrow, The Park Election Office has rendered her election win the last of its kind.

Executing what some are calling a “momentous change” in POPS election policy, the PEO has decided to designate an official POPS runner-up—an Animal who will fulfill the duties of the POPS should she or he be unable to do so. The change in policy will take effect at the next election.

At a press conference this afternoon, PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement.

“Many factors were involved in our decision to designate an official runner-up—a spare, you might say—in the POPS election,” he said.

Among those factors, Wezel cited the lack of age restriction for candidates and the precariousness of life itself. But one thing stood out for Park citizens—and particularly for The Park’s weather makers— and that was the change in climate over the past decades.

“In the few years that we have been electing the POPS—a little more than a decade, in fact—our climate has become less and less predictable,” Wezel said.

“As many in our medical community have noted, premature awakening from hibernation, which was once a rare occurrence, has become a blight on our hibernating population. This is a serious matter and selecting a runner-up to the POPS is not a solution to this dilemma. But it is a first step in acknowledging that we must accommodate to it until we can change it. It is for this reason that I petitioned the Archons last year for a change in policy. And it is for this reason that they  agreed,” he said.

Wezel confirmed that the runner-up would likely be the candidate who received the second-largest number of votes, but he said the laws surrounding the selection have yet to be written.

“This is something that will take some time and a lot of deliberation, but the wheels are now in motion,” he said.

OTD in 2013—Archons bow to pressure: hibernation to begin December 1

By

December 1


Bowing to pressure from all sides, the Archons have declared December 1 to be the official date of hibernation

Under pressure from all sides to make a final decision about the official date of hibernation, the Archons have declared that hibernation in 2013 is to begin on December 1. An announcement to that effect, signed by all 35 Archons and bearing the seal of Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros, was posted outside the law courts early this morning.

“With or without a final tally of votes and an undisputed winner of the 2014 POPS election, the Archons of The Park have declared the official date of hibernation in this year of 2013 to be 1 December,” the announcement reads in part.

The decision has been hailed by both interested parties and observers, many of whom have been quick to weigh in.

“It’s a welcome decision. It’s timely and, in my opinion, it’s the best decision they could make at this point,” said Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier. Zebu, who spoke on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, is one of the authors of a report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens. He believes that any further delay in hibernation will put the health of Animals at risk.

Zebu’s opinion was echoed by many in The Park’s hibernating community, including Cormac Nuttallii, a member of the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP) and Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels.

Nuttallii, who was a vocal critic of calendar harmonization, still believes the change in calendar accounted for a significant rise in the number of deaths due to premature awakening in his community. He says he fears for his family and friends this Winter and has, therefore, initiated a petition to have the Archons extend the official end of hibernation beyond February 19. Copies of his petition can be signed at the law courts, the Ancient Open-Air Theatre and at select retail outlets around The Park, including the Nut Bar, LeTwiggery, Footpad Heaven, and hibernation outfitters GoUnderground.

For their part, the Archons released a separate statement early this afternoon, emphasizing that their decision was taken based on consultations with many experts in the field of health and hibernation.

“We want to assure all Park citizens that our decision to delay hibernation until December 1 was made with the health and welfare of all in mind and that we would never do anything to put our hibernating community at risk,” the statement said.

OTD in 2015—Gunnar Rotte accepts part-time position as counsellor at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

By

Extinction Anxiety Clinic

The Extinction Anxiety Clinic made Gunnar Rotte an offer he couldn’t refuse

Beginning in January, Gunnar Rotte will be working part-time as a counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

The beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter made the announcement this morning, almost a year to the day since the publication of his controversial editorial made him an enemy of The Park’s striped and spotted population.

In the announcement, which was embedded in a second editorial, Rotte said the clinic had made him “an offer that he couldn’t refuse.”

“I was raised on a traumatic narrative. The members of my species are under constant threat. For that reason, I think I have something valuable to offer those who suffer from extinction anxiety. I am honoured that the clinic considered me for this position and I look forward to making the best of this opportunity,” the announcement said.

According to the EAC head, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Rotte will be working at the clinic’s second location, which is set to open in January. The new clinic, which will be located in a building adjacent to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, will take over a space that was previously used by the Small Ball Fever Research Group.

Rotte will work two evenings a week and one full day on the weekend, Dr. Strix confirmed.

In today’s piece, Rotte thanked his editor and his colleagues at The Rodent Commoner for supporting his newest effort and said that he has no plans to leave his current post.

“I love my job here. I just want to do more and I am grateful to be given the opportunity,” he said.

OTD in 2016—SnailMale confirms performance at upcoming Stereotype Sunday

By

Snail Male

Rapper Snail Male

Rapper SnailMale will perform at the next Stereotype Sunday, he announced today.

In a tweet this morning, the rapper confirmed his participation in the weekly event and invited his fans and followers to join him at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, where he said he will take the stage at two o’clock. He ended the tweet with the hashtag, “GastropodPower.”

SnailMale is only the second musician who has been invited to perform at the weekly event. The first was ZEAL, who introduced his single, “Crossing the Line” there in July.

As the rapper’s tweet suggests, this Sunday’s event will focus on The Park’s Gastropods. The themed Stereotype Sundays, which were introduced in September, take place on the last Sunday of the month.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

March 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031