The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Fur flies at UWT journalism conference

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UWT COATThe fur was flying this past weekend as The University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism hosted the largest print media conference in Park history.

Virtually all print media organizations and associations were represented at the conference, which was jointly chaired by the Cuthbert School’s dean, Gertrude C. Owl, and journalism professor Ludwiga Saimiri, the former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ).

Attendees pinpointed a baker’s dozen of hot button issues, ranging from ensuring fair coverage, recognizing equality of species, maintaining journalistic integrity, and finding new tools for recruiting the young, to financial issues, opening up new revenue streams, and more. But most agreed that the number one issue at this year’s conference was transparency. And, in that respect, The Mammalian Daily came in for some heavy criticism, particularly from the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and the Association’s Executive Director, spoke at length about the need for Park newspapers to be transparent in their coverage and asserted that certain major outlets had failed miserably in that regard. As an example, he cited The Mammalian Daily, whose reporters have been working, as he called it, “undercover in plain sight.”

“The era of anonymous reporting is over,” DiPressa declared. “If you are hiding your journalists’ identities, you are hiding their biases, and you are not being forthright with your readers. We can smell your fear [of transparency] and it is turning us off reading your newspaper,” he declared.

Priscilla Weevil, Editor-in-Chief of The Serangga Star Adviser, not only agreed with DiPressa, but went further by issuing a challenge to The Mammalian Daily:

“We call on you to open up and start including the names of your reporters in your bylines by the beginning of 2016. We can think of no valid reason to obscure them.”

Although Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas was in attendance, she declined to comment on the accusations, nor has she given any indication that she will consider adding names to TMD bylines.

The conference wrapped up late Sunday night with a celebratory dinner at which both Owl and Saimiri spoke candidly about the practice of journalism in The Park.

“This has never been an easy profession and it is not an easy one now, but I know no journalist who would not say that the rewards far outweigh the challenges,” said Saimiri.

Majority of new Park jobs are in field of security, law: Department of Statistics

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Clam Security Guard

The majority of new Park jobs are in security and law, statistics say

The majority of The Park’s newly-created jobs lie in the fields of security and law, says a new report released today by the Department of Statistics and Records.[pullquote]These types of service jobs–parapolicing, for example—are creating a false impression that life in The Park is dangerous. That impression could become a destabilizing force and…lead to the need for these jobs.—Dr. Anneliese Cissa, Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science, UWT[/pullquote]

The report, which is known as, “Statistics Related to Job Creation in The Park: 2014,” is the latest in a series of reports that have been commissioned annually since 2007 by the sitting Archons.

The state of employment as depicted in the report is troubling in many ways, says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier. Dr. Cissa, who has written extensively about the Park’s economy and its effect on employment, says this latest report shows concrete evidence that we are “spinning” in terms of high level job creation.

“This report shows that The Park is not just failing to generate new, high level jobs; it is still creating too high a number of service jobs. But even more than that, these types of service jobs–parapolicing, for example—are creating a false impression that life in The Park is dangerous. That impression could become a destabilizing force and could, in turn, lead to the need for these jobs,” she says.

According to Dr. Cissa, nothing has changed significantly since she wrote the report, “Seeking Greener Pastures: The Exodus of the Unwilling and Able,” in 2012. At that time, she warned that The Park was not generating sufficient jobs to keep the skilled and most diligent among us from leaving to seek employment elsewhere. Now, she says, the situation has become even more dire.

“We must allocate funds in the new budget for high level job creation. Otherwise, we will have nothing of substance to offer our young.”

UWT to investigate allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans

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UWT COATBREAKING NEWS

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has initiated an investigation into allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans.

The announcement came in a statement signed by the President and Governors of the University and posted on the university’s web site.

According to the statement, the allegations under investigation stem from research conducted by the Department of Human Studies. No researchers or areas of research are named and the statement emphasizes the broad nature of the investigation:

The university wishes to emphasize that this is an investigation into alleged misconduct and that no particular member of our faculty or student body is under investigation at this juncture.

The investigating team consists of several UWT faculty members who serve the university independently of the Department of Human Studies. These include Dr. Chloris Cougar, Dr. Fionnula L. Fox, Dr. Hume T. Goat, Dr. Luule Aednik, and Dr. Simone Gibbon. Other team members are Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit, and Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier and a senior member of the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) will oversee the team and the investigation.

Although no time frame for a final report by the investigating team was mentioned in the statement, a spokesAnimal for the university told The Mammalian Daily that the administration is committed to conducting the investigation in a fair and timely manner.

Noreen’s commencement address: five phrases and one word for you to grow forward with

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UWT COAT“Students, families, President, Governors: Thank you. If ever there was one word that could hold a lifetime of advice, it is this: Yield.”

I stand here today humbled. Humbled by the invitation to speak to you, the graduating class of 2015. Humbled as a Canine who never attended the University of West Terrier or, indeed, any institution of higher learning. Humbled as a Canine who has, in many ways, lived by her wits and, by doing so, has found a home here among your esteemed educators.

When I first received the invitation from your President and Governors, I was overwhelmed. It seemed like the most daunting of tasks, thinking of something of substance to tell the young as they embark on adult life. While as an advice columnist and researcher, I was used to telling you what I’d observed and experienced in my lifetime, I couldn’t imagine what I could tell you about what you may observe and experience in your lifetime.

Then, after much deliberation, I realized that some of the best advice I could offer was, in fact, no advice at all. Instead, I’ve chosen to give you the gift of “food for thought” and to allow you, yourselves, to ponder your own future.

What I’m going to say to you today may seem simple, even trite, perhaps obvious, or even irrelevant. But as you move through life, I can almost guarantee, you will gain an increasing understanding of its relevance. So, my only piece of advice is this: keep this short list handy and refer to it from time to time. You will be amazed at how these few phrases impart even more wisdom as you age.

What I have to offer you today can be summed up in five phrases—and one word. These are phrases that I have culled from—gasp—the Human world. That is, after all, my area of study.

During my travels and, particularly, during my recent book tour, I had the good fortune to observe the many pieces of advice that Humans post openly in their world. I’ve discovered that Humans are quite clever in the way they plaster their highways and byways with wise sayings. I have selected a few of these to offer you today and I will demonstrate their relevance to your own life.

  1. Always secure your own [oxygen] mask first before assisting others
    I confess, I was confused by this sign before I was able to glean its true meaning. It is not, as it appears, a call to abandon altruism. Rather, it is a warning to all living beings to make sure that they are in a position to follow through on any help they offer others. Make sure your own foundation is strong before you make promises and if it is not, strengthen it first. Don’t abandon a job halfway because you run out of resources. Plan ahead.
  2.  No Parking
    Stagnation is the enemy of all living beings. You must keep moving, physically, mentally, emotionally. Don’t settle for comfort. Yes, enjoy the fruits of your labour and of your luck. But don’t stop there. There is always much work to be done in the world and never enough time for any one generation to do it.
  3.  No Diving Allowed
    This may seem almost the opposite of what I’ve just said, but it is not. And, I admit, the Human fear of failure is evident here. But after a bit more thought, I realized that this was only a warning against precipitous action. Make sure you’ve done your research, have a backup plan and a support system. Make sure the water is deep enough before you dive in.
  4. Yield
    If ever there was one word that could hold a lifetime of advice, it is this: Yield. Particularly in The Park, where the lives of so many different species converge, there is no better piece of advice that one could give than to yield. Step aside. Let others pass. Make sure your fellow citizens get what they need. You will never regret it.
  5. This bag is not a toy
    As I’m sure you can see, this phrase can have a variety of meanings, but none is a warning against play. And while the true meaning of this phrase seemed elusive to me for some time, I have come to understand it more fully in the last year. Play is good—and necessary—but make sure you understand the boundaries of its arena. Some things, though not all, warrant seriousness, even gravity. Be sure you can distinguish one from the other.
  6. The objects in the mirror are closer than they appear
    And now, perhaps the most important of all. Humans have a phrase, “History repeats itself.” The sad fact is that it does. It is incumbent upon us to understand that whatever gains we make—as individuals, as species, or as any large group—may be undone in an instant if we are not vigilant. Look in the rearview mirror often. Understand the past. Understand where you and your ancestors came from and what their lives were like. And never forget it. History is not fiction. The horrors of the past can easily creep back up on us to become the horrors of the present. Be attuned: those footsteps are never very far behind.

And, so, I conclude here, leaving you with a few things to think about as you move forward in your lives.

To you, the class of 2015, I wish everything good: health, happiness, the chance to pursue your goals, and to live as long a life as your species allows. Congratulations!”

This address was delivered by Noreen at the University of West Terrier commencement ceremonies on June 1, 2015.

Noreen to deliver commencement address at University of West Terrier

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UWT COATBREAKING NEWS

Noreen will deliver the 2015 commencement address at the University of West Terrier on June 1, it was announced today.

The President and Governors of the University made the announcement on the university’s web site this morning.

A spokesAnimal for the university said they were “thrilled” that Noreen had agreed to deliver the address.

“We are cognizant of how busy she is and we didn’t wish to burden her in any way,” the spokesAnimal said. “But Noreen is a shining example of the kind of accomplishment that zoocracy has made possible for all Park Animals. We want our graduating class to benefit by hearing her speak about her life and her experiences.”

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct professor of Human Studies is expected to talk more about her earlier life than about her work at the university.

Read the announcement here.

Head nurse heads to UWT School of Medicine as part-time faculty member

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Hermione Hippo

Newly-minted UWT Assistant Professor Hermione Hippo

Nurse Hermione Hippo is about to become Professor Hermione Hippo.

The veteran Park health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm has been invited to join the faculty at the University of West Terrier School of Medicine on a part-time basis as an Assistant Professor.

In an announcement posted yesterday on the University’s web site, the President and Governors said Hermione would be a “great asset” to the student body.

“A nurse and healer both by nature and vocation, Hermione brings with her many fine qualities and a wealth of experience that will benefit UWT students,” the announcement went on to say.

Hermione Hippo’s nursing career began at a zoological garden south of The Park. After she arrived in The Park, she immediately found employment with Dr. Bourru. In 2004, she accepted the position of head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, where she will continue to work. Among her credits are the containment of Small Ball Fever in 2007 and of Tulip-Related Illness in 2013.

Read the University’s full announcement here.

SuperGoof! comic plans June launch

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SuperGoof graphic

SuperGoof! comic book will launch in June during The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

It’s not a drone. It’s not a puppet. It’s not even a toy.

It’s SuperGoof!, a new comic series that’s set to launch this coming June and which may prove to be the most powerful weapon in The Park’s anti-enforced domestication arsenal.

Conceived and produced by Anastazja Koci, an alumna of the Hani Gajah School of Art, the project was supported in part by the Founding Families Financial Corporation, in association with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).[pullquote]I want to show Park Animals what it’s like not to be allowed to find your own food, to express your own personality, to make your own friends.—SuperGoofs! creator Anastazja Koci[/pullquote]

“We are always on the lookout for new ways to warn Animals about the dangers of enforced domestication,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“When Anastazja brought this to us, we hopped on board right away.”

The series chronicles the lives of two Domestic Animals: one Feline and one Canine, also known as the “SuperGoofs.”

The first book shows them in their formative years, learning “the tricks of the trade,” as the Canine puts it.

“In the first book, the Animals have no names,” Koci explains. “When they are addressed, it’s with terms of endearment…’Sweetie,’ ‘Precious,” that sort of thing. They have no identity outside of their rôles as pets.”

One of the most important lessons that comes from the first book is that Domestic Animals are not free to be themselves.

“It was a difficult choice to make, but I thought it was important to illustrate that the life of a Domestic Animal is not the true life of an Animal. I want to show Park Animals what it’s like not to be allowed to find your own food, to express your own personality, to make your own friends,” Koci says.

While she says the food issue was the most important to her, the title of the series says far more about the project as a whole.

“I’ve often been asked, ‘Why SuperGoofs?’ It’s hard to explain if you’ve never been in a Human household,” says Koci, who spent two years as a pet before moving to The Park.

“Humans like to be entertained by Animals. They like to be made to laugh. If an Animal wants to be fed, have a warm bed and be protected from the elements, she’d better make herself entertaining and snuggly. And research has shown that being ‘goofy’ and pretending to be not so bright can go a long way with Humans.”

The DWBS’s Kakapo says he thinks the project’s launch this year is a particularly timely one.

“After such a hard Winter, Animals might be thinking that it’s easier to succumb to domestication and a life with Humans. I think SuperGoofs! will go a long way toward convincing them otherwise,” he says.

The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month runs from 1-30 June.

Archons enact legislation designating March as annual “Museum Month”

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Park MuseumThe 2015 Archons have enacted legislation designating the month of March each year as “Museum Month” in The Park.

At a press conference held early this morning in front of the soon-to-be-opened Park Museum, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Cuckoo spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“On behalf of my fellow Archons, I proclaim the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park.

In making this proclamation, we are recognizing the importance of documenting and understanding our history and celebrating our triumphs. At the same time, however, we must acknowledge our ongoing struggles. We hope the formal establishment of a Museum Month will facilitate just that and that the month of March will be a time for us each year to take an honest look at ourselves as a Park, to assess our accomplishments, and to rethink our goals as they relate to The Park as a whole and to each other as fellow citizens.

To that end, in conjunction with the Park Finance Office, we have made a change to The Park budget and set aside funds so that all Park museums will be able to welcome guests free of charge throughout the month of March each year. We hope this will help present and future generations to understand the history of The Park and the rôle that they themselves may play in its future.”

The legislation to which the Chief Archon referred goes by the formal name of “The Museum Month Designation Act” (“An Act to designate the month of March as annual Museum Month in The Park”). The legislation was signed February 23, 2015 and takes effect on February 26, 2015.

Opening ceremonies at The Park Museum will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Sunday, March 1, 2015.

Herman Stoat to speak at UWT annual Open House on January 29

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UWT Coat of ArmsThe President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Herman Stoat will speak at this year’s annual Open House.

According to a post on the university’s web site, the renowned dancer, choreographer, and UWT alumnus will talk about his UWT experience and the rôle of higher education in the arts.

The full announcement appears on the University’s web site.

UWT Human Studies course will use television to teach Human motivation

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University of West Terrier coat of armsThe Department of Human Studies at The University of West Terrier has green-lighted a new course that will use footage of Human television shows to teach students about Human motivation.

In a brief announcement posted on the university’s web site yesterday, the President and the Board of Governors of the university confirmed the addition of the new course to the undergraduate curriculum.

“The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier and the head of the Department of Human Studies are pleased to announce the expansion of the Department’s curriculum in 2015,” the announcement reads.

As of September 2015, the announcement says, students who are attending the University and have completed at least one full year of study will be eligible to enrol in the new course, which is listed as HS 207.

Although the course description has not been finalized, the head of the Human Studies Department confirmed that learning materials will include footage of television shows that are made by and watched by Humans.

“Thanks to an agreement signed last January between the University of West Terrier and the Avian Messenger’s ‘Birds on the Wire,’® service, we have been able to obtain footage of some Human television programming. This material has proven to be extremely valuable in the understanding of  Human motivation and the Human value system and we feel fortunate to be able to offer this to our students,” she said.

The announcement did not include any information regarding the course instructor, but many believe the department will appoint Noreen, since she has expertise in the field. The adjunct professor is currently on leave to promote her book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans and will return to her teaching duties in the Autumn.

The full announcement from the University can be read here.

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