Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier want to hear from you! Which Animal would you choose to deliver the 2016 commencement address?
Make your choice from among the ten candidates listed in the poll below or feel free to write in your own suggestion beside the “Other” box.
Please note: The poll closes May 21, 2016. Vote now!
Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon usually keeps to himself, but this weekend we’ll be seeing his image everywhere, if a new pro-education group has its way.
The group, which calls itself “Park Citizens for Stand-Alone Education,” has used the judge’s image and his most recent ruling that all Animals have the right to remain stupid, to kick off their campaign in favour of building stand-alone educational institutions for The Park’s young.
In a statement released this morning, the group says that it’s high time the Archons faced the truth about education in The Park.
“We’ve been talking around this issue for some time and nothing has been done to improve the quality of education here [in The Park]. We are taking the issue to Park citizens, to the Archons and to the budget committee and Park Finance Officer Abeja. We need to provide quality education for our young in a separate environment from their home and we need to see to it immediately,” says the statement, which was written by Domoina Fossa, the group’s head.
Fossa has some experience in this area. As a professor at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier and the head researcher of a study commissioned by the 2011 Archons, she concluded that the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled and that “this type of system does not work in a modern Park, with so many species trying to live together harmoniously.”
Fossa says she still stands by that opinion.
“We believe the interspecial strife that has escalated over the past few years could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an early point in their lives. And in addition to that, we believe that using trained teachers is the best way to impart knowledge. Not all parents are capable of doing that,” she says.
The group will be out in full force over the weekend, handing out buttons and talking to citizens about education and the future of The Park.
“I can’t wait to get going on this campaign. The future is now,” says Fossa.
A group of researchers at the University of West Terrier has succeeded in pinpointing the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals, it was announced today.
“We are so excited about these results,” said Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at UWT’s School of Medicine, at a press briefing at the university this morning.
Dr. Zebu, who oversees the team of researchers, said the breakthrough will offer a much-improved life to Mammals everywhere.
“This new information will eventually enable us to turn harrumphocyte production on and off, thereby giving Mammals who suffer from a harrumphocyte imbalance more control over their lives,” he said.
He and his research team have spent the past ten years studying harrumphocytes, the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals. For the last five years, they have been trying to locate the centre of harrumphocyte generation, which they now believe to be the plithern in Mammals.
“Harrumphocytes in Mammals are distinct from those in other classes of Animals,” Zebu says. “It’s been very difficult, given the wide range of species and variations in size, for researchers to accurately locate their centre of generation.”
The group’s findings will be published in the May issue of The Park’s prestigious scientific journal, Eureka.
C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), will replace Chief Archon Raymond H. Mink as speaker at the 2016 University of West Terrier Open House on January 29, it was announced today.
Mink bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was sworn in as 2016 Chief Archon, explaining that he felt his focus should be on governing at this time.
In a brief statement that appeared on the university’s web site, the UWT President and Governors thanked Ant for accepting the invitation “on such short notice.”
The ASIS head, who is perhaps best known for her leadership of the brilliant team that prevented the destruction of an entire Ant colony, will be speaking about the rôle that higher education plays in investigative police work and in the maintenance of interspecial harmony in general.
The university’s full announcement about the Open House appears on its web site.
The University of West Terrier is scrambling to find a replacement for Raymond H. Mink, who was scheduled to speak at the UWT Annual Open House on January 29.
Mink had planned to deliver a short address on the subject of the rôle that higher education plays in the maintenance of peace, order, and interspecial harmony on January 29, according to an announcement posted on the university’s web site.
The Mammalian Daily learned this morning that Mink, who has been The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace for over five years, bowed out of the speaking engagement on January 17, a day after he was selected as The Park’s 2016 Chief Archon.
In a short communiqué sent to the university, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, said that Mink felt it inappropriate “at this time” to appear at the event.
“While he acknowledges the great importance of education and of inspiring The Park’s young, His Honour believes that his focus at this time should be on governing. He would be grateful to the University of West Terrier for granting him this time and he would be more than happy to appear at a future event,” the communiqué said.
For their part, the UWT President and Governors issued a statement saying that though they were disappointed in Mink’s decision, they understood that this was primarily an issue of timing.
“We understand the newly-assumed burdens of the Chief Archon and we are happy to arrange for him to speak at the university at a later time. We wish him every success in his new position,” the statement said.
The next time the Chief Archon will be heard from will be on Groundhog Day, when he reads the all-important Archons’ Address.
Stinktier memoir, “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra” to be published next year.
Faramund Stinktier has signed a lucrative two-book deal with Prionailurus Press.
The Reekabilly star, composer, and the most famous half of the SCENTient Beings duo announced yesterday that he has come to a “very favourable arrangement” with the esteemed Park publisher.
In a separate press release, Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, confirmed the deal.
“Prionailurus Press is pleased to announce that, in keeping with our most recent mandate, we have welcomed Faramund Stinktier to our stable of writers. We look forward to working with him on two books, the first of which will be published in the coming year,” the press release said.
The name of that book, according to the press release, is “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra,” and as its title suggests, it is Stinktier’s memoir.
The singer shocked Park residents when he announced in September that he believed he was always meant to be a Zebra. He made the announcement while a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show. In the few months that have followed, he says, he has experienced “great joy” but also “enormous sorrow” due to his shunning by members of his own and other species.
The publisher’s press release contains no information on the second book, but it is believed to be a book about music.
Prionailurus Press announced last April that it intended to promote the work of The Park’s striped and spotted community and in a brief telephone interview, Yamaneko confirmed that this is the mandate to which she referred in her company’s communiqué.
SCENTient Beings will perform at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.
It was comfortably warm yesterday afternoon and outside the law courts, a crowd gathered to watch Hieronymous Hedgehog take the oath of office as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.
Standing at the podium afterwards to deliver a short but moving speech, his spines sparkled in the midday sun. He paused just once to brush away a tear as he spoke of his much beloved uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, who served as Archon in 2000 and died in 2008, a victim of premature awakening from hibernation.
“I never thought I’d be able to pay tribute adequately to my Uncle Hamlin,” Hieronymous said. “And I never thought I’d have the chance to thank him for all he did for me and for The Park.
This honour—and this opportunity—mean everything to me. By sharing everything I know (and then some) about the process of hibernation, I will be contributing to interspecial understanding in The Park. But even more than that, I hope to save lives during my tenure. Because—let me warn you—I intend to take full advantage of my new position to raise awareness of the perils of premature awakening and its underlying causes. It’s the least I can do, not just for my Uncle Hamlin, but for the many victims of PA and their friends and families,” he said.
He also pledged to begin his new job “as soon as I leave this podium,” since the official date of hibernation is just two weeks away.
“I say,” he concluded with a smile, “I’ll be working nonstop until I go into hibernation myself, and by that time, you’ll be glad not to hear from me for a while.”
For everything you ever wanted to know about hibernation, follow Hieronymous on Twitter at HieronymousH.
The soon to be opened new art gallery at the University of West Terrier is engaged in a battle with the Park Museum for the opportunity to house and display a selection of works by members of The Park’s endangered species.
Although some of the pieces in question formed part of the 2015 Park ART Walk in August, most of the artists whose works were displayed have to date refused invitations from The Park’s art galleries in favour of private showings, most often at their own abodes.
“Obviously, this would be a real coup for us, but that is by no means the only reason we want to house the art,” said Bibiano Montanaro, spokesAnimal for the President of the University, in an interview on TMD Radio yesterday.
“As an educational institution, we feel we are the appropriate place for this art and that’s why we are engaged in this battle. But, I must say, we didn’t think we would have to fight at all, let alone this hard,” he said.
For its part, The Park Museum maintains that its mission is to house as much as it can that is representative of life in The Park.
“That means, past, present and even future,” says curator Dorika Pumi, who failed in her attempts as curator of the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) to attract artists who were members of endangered species.
And although Pumi contends that this “isn’t personal at all,” many in The Park’s art world believe otherwise.
“I don’t blame her for trying to redeem herself, but I don’t think she should do it on the backs of endangered artists,” says Anastazja Koci, an alumna of the Hani Gajah School of Art. Koci, who was shortlisted for the position of curator at the UWT art gallery, says she was taught by Pumi and maintains the utmost respect for her.
“But I think she’s pushing too hard on this,” she says.
The Barkettes’ will base their new song “Yield!” on Noreen’s 2015 UWT commencement address
BREAKING NEWS
Less than a week before the final Park performance of their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour, Thisbe and the Barkettes have thrown us a bone of our own: the announcement that they plan to collaborate with Noreen on a song based on her 2015 University of West Terrier commencement address.
In a press release issued this morning, The Park’s most beloved singing group confirmed that they have entered into an agreement with the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct professor of Human Studies for the creation and production of a new song called, “Yield!”
“Every bit of Noreen’s speech was so moving and showed so much wisdom,” the group writes in the release, “but the part called ‘Yield’ touched us like no other. It echoes what we–individually and as a group–have believed in and stood for all these years. It cried out for recognition and we felt we could not refuse it.”
The press release did not offer any time frame for the creation or production of the song but, according to the gossip site headsNtales, the group has booked a recording studio in The Park for the last two weeks of November.
The Park Museum will host a permanent display of The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat
The Park Museum and the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML) have ended their long battle over the establishment of a permanent home for one of The Park’s most iconic literary works.[pullquote]The citizens of The Park deserve to be able to visit the work in the building that was constructed to house our history.—Sakura Rhinoceros, member of the Board of Governors, The Park Museum[/pullquote]
The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat has been housed in a protected display in the lobby of the ISML since it was recovered in 2013 by workers excavating at the site of what is now The Park Museum. It had previously been displayed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, until a storm toppled the display and it went missing.
Because the excavators brought their precious find to the Institute for verification, the ISML decided to keep the beloved Park tome and to display it in the Institute’s lobby. Early last year, however, as The Park Museum neared completion, its Board of Governors initiated a series of meetings with the ISML aimed at convincing them that the museum was the only logical place to house the AutoZOËography on a permanent basis.
“Every one of the 6,975 pages of her book is a part of Park history and the citizens of The Park deserve to be able to visit the work in the building that was constructed to house our history,” Sukuta Rhinoceros, one of the founders of the Museum and a member of its Board, said at the time.
The ISML held fast to its view that it had the sole right to display the work until last week, when the two institutions came to a “joint custody” agreement.
“We are happy to report that both The Park Museum and the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life have agreed to act as joint official custodians of The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, one of the most important works in Park history,” said a press release issued today by both institutions.
The agreement, which will be signed next week, names The Park Museum as the book’s official home, but allows it to be moved to the ISML for one month every Winter for the purpose of display and study. Throughout the other eleven months, the ISML will display a facsimile in the space that it built for the book two years ago.
According to sources close to both institutions, the agreement was hammered out late Sunday night, with the assistance of the Park Historical Society and members of a number of faculties and departments at the University of West Terrier.
“All parties are pleased with this agreement and we plan to move forward with the logistics as soon as possible,” the press release says.
The Park Museum’s press release may be read here.
