Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier want to hear from you! Which Animal would you choose to deliver the 2016 commencement address?
Make your choice from among the ten candidates listed in the poll below or feel free to write in your own suggestion beside the “Other” box.
Please note: The poll closes May 21, 2016. Vote now!
Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon usually keeps to himself, but this weekend we’ll be seeing his image everywhere, if a new pro-education group has its way.
The group, which calls itself “Park Citizens for Stand-Alone Education,” has used the judge’s image and his most recent ruling that all Animals have the right to remain stupid, to kick off their campaign in favour of building stand-alone educational institutions for The Park’s young.
In a statement released this morning, the group says that it’s high time the Archons faced the truth about education in The Park.
“We’ve been talking around this issue for some time and nothing has been done to improve the quality of education here [in The Park]. We are taking the issue to Park citizens, to the Archons and to the budget committee and Park Finance Officer Abeja. We need to provide quality education for our young in a separate environment from their home and we need to see to it immediately,” says the statement, which was written by Domoina Fossa, the group’s head.
Fossa has some experience in this area. As a professor at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier and the head researcher of a study commissioned by the 2011 Archons, she concluded that the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled and that “this type of system does not work in a modern Park, with so many species trying to live together harmoniously.”
Fossa says she still stands by that opinion.
“We believe the interspecial strife that has escalated over the past few years could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an early point in their lives. And in addition to that, we believe that using trained teachers is the best way to impart knowledge. Not all parents are capable of doing that,” she says.
The group will be out in full force over the weekend, handing out buttons and talking to citizens about education and the future of The Park.
“I can’t wait to get going on this campaign. The future is now,” says Fossa.
Tuesday nights at the Squeakeasy used to be about the art of poetry.
Poets—young and old, professional and amateur, aspiring and established—flocked to the pub to read their latest creations. It was a safe place to get some feedback on your work.
“You could see and hear the response to your poetry immediately. The audience was very opinionated and they were known for that. If they didn’t understand or they thought they had a better idea, they’d tell you. And it was honest and that’s what made it valuable. It wasn’t tied in with anything else. It was just the writing,” poet Winston Wombat told The Mammalian Daily.
But these days, it seems things are different. Organizers are wary of discussing it openly, but poets themselves admit the priorities have changed.
“It’s gone from the lyrical to the polemical. Everything has become more political,” says Setsuko Macaque, the award-winning haiku poet who is revered throughout The Park.
“Even the audience has changed. It depends on who is reading that week. That’s not how it used to be. Before, the place would be full because the audience wanted to hear poetry. Now, it’s this group or that group, this poet’s or that poet’s followers. It’s all different, ” she says.
Poet Marcus Mosquito agrees.
“You didn’t pick and choose. You came here to hear new poems and, obviously, to have a drink. But you were open to new things, new ideas. Now it’s shut down. If it’s not your poet, if it’s not your point of view, you won’t be here. I think that’s a very closed-minded way to be.”
The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016
The Fowl Ball is all grown up and ready to be the “main event”of The Park’s Spring social season.
“We had some growing pains, there’s no doubt about that. But we’re happy to say we’re over them and we’re ready to move forward as a mature event,” Rafael Ortega said this morning.
As the sole guest on Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros show, the Ball’s chief organizer had the opportunity to expound on his goals for the charity affair and some of them seemed quite lofty. But Ortega had an answer for any doubters:
“Birds like to think big and fly high,” he said.
Ortega has achieved many of his goals thus far. In two short years, he has made the Fowl Ball one of the most anticipated events on The Park’s social calendar. And it has brought in more money than Ortega anticipated it would do in the course of five years.
Indeed, on its own, the Ball has funded the establishment of The Park’s first retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of the Avian community. The residence is set to open this Autumn, but Ortega says he won’t be spending the time between now and then “sitting pretty” or resting on his laurels.
“My goal is to make the Fowl Ball not just a signature event, but a Park institution,” he told Tavros.
Doubters: consider yourselves warned.
The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016. Tickets are on sale now and are available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.
Mating Dance selfies posted by Humans on web constitute a danger to us all: DWBS
BREAKING NEWS
The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has launched an investigation into the posting on the internet of selfies and other photos that were taken during Thursday’s Mating Dance.
At a late night press conference yesterday, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the investigation.
“The Department of Well-Being and Safety has launched a full-scale investigation into the posting of photos taken by Park Animals at the annual Mating Dance on Thursday May 5. At the same time, the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) of the Park Police and the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) have begun their own, independent inquiry. The DWBS intends to cooperate fully with Park Police and to share our findings with them,” Kakapo said.
The DWBS became aware of the photos early yesterday morning, according to Kakapo.
“We were alerted to their existence by one of the Animals whose photos appear on a web site. We subsequently determined that this web site is owned by Humans,” he said.
Kakapo described the photos as “private and intimate” and said the Animal who reported them does not wish to be named.
“It is beyond disturbing that this has happened and we consider this type of behaviour to be a clear and present danger to all Park Animals,” he said.
The Park Museum’s Flyball exhibition will open at noon on Sunday May 8
The Park Museum announced today that its first exhibition dealing with sport will open at noon on Sunday, May 8.
Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals will feature more than five hundred works that illustrate the relationship of Park Animals to balls and sport. These works include oil and watercolour paintings, photographs, sculpture, works in metal and glass, and textile impressions, all of which celebrate balls and the way they inform Park life.
The exhibition was co-curated by The Park Museum’s resident curator Dorika Pumi and Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and sports historian Bailey.
This is the first time that Bailey has been involved in what he calls “institutional” work. In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, he talked about his association with the museum and the generous donation of his private collection of balls to the exhibition.
“I was honoured to be associated with The Park Museum. They are real professionals and serious about their work,” he said. “I didn’t hesitate for a minute in making the donation, which was my idea, in fact.”
He went on to praise the museum’s staff and said he had a “great working relationship” with them.
“The dedication of museum staff and the meticulousness they brought to their work impressed me. We’ve developed a mutual understanding and respect that goes beyond this exhibition and I hope I will be able to work with them again.”
Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals will run until the end of October.
Cornelio Lontra flipped when he won The Park’s 21st Toe-Hair Contest
The winner of the 2016 Toe-Hair contest literally flipped when he heard the announcement.
“I really thought it would go to Chico [Chinchilla]. I couldn’t believe they called my name,” Cornelio Lontra said.
But call his name they did, after head judge Sierpinski Squirrel confirmed the judges’ unanimous choice.
“They were beauties,” judge Antonio Marcelo said on TMD radio this morning. “They were obviously carefully cultivated. No Animal in the contest could match them.”
And as for Lontra’s friend Chinchilla, he did, in fact, win second prize, while Indira Gecko took home third.
Meanwhile, Lontra is still waiting for it all to sink in.
“I am still stunned, even a day later,” he told The Mammalian Daily via telephone. “When I woke up this morning and it was still true, I was amazed.”
Mammalian Daily becomes first Park newspaper to ban Human jokes
Civet calls for freeze on development of all food-related technology
TMD Exclusive: Millicent Hayberry and Gianfranco Colocolo in conversation
First quarter results prove opening on Groundhog Day a profitable move
Raimundo Zorro strikes again: new web site violates conditions of sentence
Tinamou blames TMD’s Haas for drop in Month Without Metaphor participants
TMD managing editor schedules press conference for Monday morning
Court reaffirms right to remain stupid
TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”
Sierpinski Squirrel appointed head judge of 2016 Toe-Hair Contest
Tinamou disputes rumour he paid media to join Month Without Metaphor
Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening
Toe-Hair Contest exacerbates fear of extinction in some Animals: therapist
Prepare for an all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words
Historians may look back on it and jokingly call it the “Tulip War,” but at present it’s a tense situation that could cause irreparable damage to The Park’s food and technology sectors.
It started last month, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained in a print advertisement that The Park’s technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food in favour of letting apps do the searching for them. The SCPCPGF maintains that this negatively affects what it calls the “natural pacing” of food finding and will inevitably lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages.
The Park’s technology sector laid low for a short time, hoping to wait out the controversy. But when the SCPCPGF refused to give up, SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava took to the airwaves to vigorously defend her company’s app, Bulb Beacon, and assert that SINCAP and other technology companies make it their business to support access to food in The Park.
“We all take access to food very seriously. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating and terrifying not to be able to find enough food, or to forget where you stored your food over the Winter. I’ve had relatives who almost starved and that was the impetus for me to develop our app,” she told Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros in an interview.
But that did not placate SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet, and a few days later, he called for a moratorium on the development of food-related technology.
Now, the anger that has been brewing for weeks threatens to spill over. As both sides begin to issue threats and accusations, experts say the issue could come to blows in May, as planting begins and the Park Finance Office turns its attention to the 2017 budget.
“What’s at stake here is not just peace in The Park, but the food supply itself,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).
“We all should be very scared.”
The Park’s annual Toe-Hair Contest may be having a devastating effect on the vulnerable in our population, according to mental health specialist Victoire Caméléon. [pullquote]Everything from the environment to emotional stress to having the luxury of time and the resources to cultivate oneself can affect toe-hair growth. We should be cognizant of that when we reward Animals for something that they are not in complete control of.—Psychotherapist Victoire Caméléon [/pullquote]
The part-time researcher and psychotherapist, who works at one of The Park’s two Extinction Anxiety Clinics, made the assertion this past weekend.
Speaking at a conference on extinction and mental health at the University of West Terrier, Caméléon said evidence suggests that the annual competition negatively affects those who fear for the survival of their species.
“This is not simply an issue of self esteem; it is an issue of survival and Animals’ sense of self-preservation,” she said.
The annual contest, which has come to signal the beginning of Spring, rewards those who are most able to grow long, thick, healthy toe-hairs over the Winter season.
But, Caméléon said, many in our vulnerable populations are not able to do so, through no fault of their own. Still, the emphasis the contest places on this one aspect has made some Animals feel weaker and less able to survive.
“There are a number of factors that are involved in toe-hair growth, as well as in other aspects of physical health,” Caméléon said. “Everything from the environment to emotional stress to having the luxury of time and the resources to cultivate oneself can affect toe-hair growth. We should be cognizant of that when we reward Animals for something that they are not in complete control of.”
Yet, even despite these negative effects, Caméléon is not calling for an end to the contest.
“It began as purely a fun event, almost a farcical celebration of the post-Winter season. I think we should preserve that aspect of the contest and place less emphasis on the winning part,” she said.
