The Mammalian Daily

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Names of 2016 Archons released

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The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2016 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS — 2016
Mink, Raymond H. (Chief Archon)

Aardvark, Merinda Norne; Adder, Drystan; Anaconda, Felicia; Arowana, Odilon; Blenny, Aliza; Caecilian, Delilah; Conure, Enfys; Cuckoo, Clovis; Cuttlefish, Cyril; Frog, Armand Damien; Geoduck, Juan Liu; Goby, Angelina; Gourami, Zafran; Guppy, Petra Milena; Kangaroo, Elanora Gurley; Kilpkonn, Reinhard; Krokodil, Lia Graziana; Newt, Hrodgar; Palaka, Betsog; Pelican, Almeda Tressie; Penguin, Nickolas Quintin; Ragno, Giada Valeria; Rosella, Hiltrude; Rospo, Silvio Federico; Salamander, Percy Granville; Shark, Yardena; Snail, Meghann; Sparrow, Rheba; Tuatara, Tormud; Vuohi, Tapio; Weichtier, Emerick; Worm, Bardulf; Zander, Odile Pierrette; Zebra, Adelbert Jarmo.

TMD, Avian Messenger snag outgoing Chief Archon’s only exit interview

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Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo (Chief Archon)

Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo’s term ends on January 16, 2016

The Mammalian Daily and The Avian Messenger have secured the only interview that outgoing Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo intends to give.

The joint interview was announced in a statement issued simultaneously by both newspapers and by Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons. It will take place tomorrow morning at ten o’clock in the Chief Archon’s office. The 2016 Archons will be sworn in on Saturday, January 16.

Chief Archon Cuckoo is expected to discuss the changes she has witnessed in The Park, the future of zoocracy, and what she believes her legacy will be. The Mammalian Daily and The Avian Messenger will each send two political reporters to the interview.

Let’s review: Sortition

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As the 2015 Archons prepare to relinquish their titles, let’s review the process by which The Park chooses its annual government:

Focus on: Sortition

January is the most important month in the political life of The Park. It is the month during which, every year, 35 Animals are selected and sworn in to serve as The Park’s leaders, or Archons. Together, these Archons will establish policies that will affect the lives of all who live in The Park.

Today, we focus on sortition, the process by which The Park’s Archons are selected.

ORIGIN
The Park’s 35 Archons are selected each year by a process known as sortition or the lottery or allotment method. This was the system put into place by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

Sortition has its origins in some of the oldest Human societies. After completing an exhaustive study of ancient Human political systems, Jor concluded that the basic tenets of zoocracy would best be maintained through the use of sortition rather than by direct elections. With the assistance of a panel of consultants, Jor made modifications to some of the original rules of sortition and crafted the system that has been in continuous use since the establishment of zoocracy.

METHODOLOGY
The first step in the selection of Archons requires the cooperation of The Park’s citizens. By the end of October each year, all adult Park citizens are required to submit and confirm their names. Traditionally, all Animal names have included some reference to species. Third, fourth, and later generations may choose to drop this reference in their names, but some indication of species is required when Animals make their submission to stand as candidates for Archon to the Department of Political Administration (DPA). Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the DPA of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

On January 5 every year, these submitted names are divided into six groups, according to six Animal classes. These classes are: Amphibians, Birds, Fishes, Invertebrates, Mammals, and Reptiles. The names are then inscribed on cards and placed in one of six opaque boxes, according to Animal class. Each of the six boxes is shaken three times by three different members of the Department of Political Administration.

FINAL SELECTION
The final selection of Archons is made by seven Department of Political Administration staff members. The staff members must have been in the employ of the department for at least five years and have no record of criminal activity. The chosen staff members are required to swear an oath of “honest and impartial fulfillment of the task” and to sign a declaration of the same in front of two witnesses. Six of the staff members are blindfolded and asked to reach into each opaque box and to pull out one card from the box. This is done a total of five times to ensure that there are 30 Archons chosen and that each of the six Animal classes is represented by five Archons.

WILD CARD SPOTS
The cards that remain are placed together in one box and shaken three times more. The seventh staff member, blindfolded, chooses five more cards. These are the five “wild card spots” that fulfill the number of Archons required. There is no restriction on Animal class or species for these spots.

SELECTION OF CHIEF ARCHON
When the final selection of Archons has been made, the remaining cards bearing candidates’ names are destroyed. The cards with the names of the 35 new Archons are placed in one opaque box, which is, again, shaken three times. The name of the Chief Archon is selected from these cards by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

CERTIFICATION OF CHOICE
The choice of the 35 Archons, including that of the Chief Archon, is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF ARCHONS
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons is posted at the Law Courts on the morning of January 15 each year, ten days after the final selection has been made. In order for Park citizens and residents to review the names, the list remains posted until the end of the week. Any Park citizens who wish to contest the selection of any Archon or Archons may do so by submitting a formal contest form (Form 15C) to the Department of Political Administration. The deadline for Form 15C submissions is January 31.

This article was originally published on January 17, 2013.

Countdown to our next government: 2016 Archons to be announced Friday

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Jan 15The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2016 government will be released on Friday.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts in the early hours of January 15, exactly an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The Mammalian Daily will publish the list on its web site as soon as it is made public.

Scented TV update: Animals remain hospitalized as investigations continue

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Vertebrate Vision TV

Vertebrate Vision TV’s investigation into viewer illness continues: spokesAnimal

Eighty per cent of Park Animals who were hospitalized after watching a scented television show on December 27 remain in hospital, according to a joint update issued by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS),

The Animals were among those who arrived at the hospital roughly a half-hour into the show’s broadcast on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV). Their symptoms included dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems, and hair loss.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like what happened here that night,” said Hermione Hippo, the Park Hospital’s head nurse, at a short press conference last week.

The holiday show was a joint project of VVTV, Chef Tab Tricolore, and gewper, The Park’s only scented social networking site. RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the companies that supplied the show’s scent, now find themselves under investigation by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), while VVTV launched its own investigation on December 28. The findings of that investigation are expected to be made public sometime in March, a VVTV spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.

Meanwhile, the sickly cohort is expected to remain at the hospital at least until the middle of the month, Hippo says.

“They’re just beginning to be able to walk without toppling over, and they’re taking small amounts of food. They’re moving in a positive direction, but very slowly,” she said.

Zoocracy still unpopular with Animals outside The Park: book

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In Spite (1)A new book authored by three distinguished professors at the University of West Terrier suggests that zoocracy is still a hard sell outside The Park.[pullquote]The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. It is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition [and] a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make.—Dr. Luule Aednik[/pullquote]

The book, entitled, “In Spite of Ourselves: Animal Attitudes Toward Zoocracy Outside The Park,” has caused quite a stir here and has garnered both positive and negative reviews, as citizens and media attempt to digest the authors’ conclusions.

“I admit that it’s difficult to understand their [Animals outside The Park] perspective, but I don’t think that difficulty should negate the significance of our findings,” says Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the UWT’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy.

Those findings suggest that Animals who live outside The Park, and particularly those who live either in a domestic situation or in close contact with Humans, are reluctant to give up what they believe to be their “perks” for what they perceive to be a much more difficult life.

“In some cases, it is a misperception, while in other cases, we would have to agree that some Animals who live with Humans have a much easier life, at least in terms of food security and housing,” says Fionnula L. Fox, a UWT professor law who specializes in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

Still, as psychology professor Luule Aednik points out, much of that so-called security is tenuous.

“When we look—just even at our immigration and refugee statistics here in The Park—we see that Animals who had thought they would be safe and well-cared for indefinitely have had to face abandonment and worse. That is how they’ve come to be Park citizens in the first place,” she says.

All three authors admit, however, that it is difficult to persuade Animals who believe they are living “the good life” to trade that in for total responsibility, not just for themselves, but for their fellow citizens.

“The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. What we do know for certain is that it is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition. It’s a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make. In many cases, they simply are not willing to sacrifice short-term comfort for long-term gain,” Aednik says.

The Does of Peace: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animals of the Year

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Does of Peace

The Does of Peace: The Park’s accidental heroines

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen the Does of Peace as its 2015 Animals of the Year.

In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour The Park’s newest peacekeeping group because of their “tireless and graceful efforts” to achieve peace and harmony among the species.

“As Alfredo Ox said so eloquently last year, they have added a whole new dimension to peacekeeping in The Park,” Haas said.

It was their inauspicious beginning that makes their success even more noteworthy, Haas wrote. Referring to them on more than one occasion as “The Park’s accidental heroines,” the editor reflected on the serendipity that brought them to their present position. In September of 2014, the Does responded to a recruitment advertisement sent out by the Doves of Peace. The printed ad included a typo, which altered “Doves” to “Does,” and the Does hastened to attend the recruitment event.

The peace-loving Animals that they are, they responded without anger to being sent away. But, to their credit, the Doves had a quick change of heart and hired the Does, producing, as Doves spokesBird Georgina Golub calls them, “the most gentle, caring, and effective peacekeeping group” she has ever known.

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of the Does of Peace and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2016.

The lives we lost in 2015

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Here are some of the friends and family we lost in 2015:

RIPAnselm Alpaca
Former Mammalian Daily reporter and columnist

RIPXanthippe Porcupine
Theatre lover and self-described “greatest fan” of Millicent Hayberry

RIPPercy Manatee

RIPReginald David Hawk
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009

RIPWilbur H. Milkfish

RIPOrville Gibbon

RIPSophia Theresa Squid
Faithfully served as Archon in 2009

RIPPriscilla Goose

RIPPyramus Sloth

RIPDalton Aardvark 

RIPAlthea Firefly

RIPAbigail Stickleback
Faithfully served as Archon in 2008

RIPEnglebert Leopard
Served as a volunteer at CatsCare for ten years

RIPPetronila Hummingbird

RIPLiliana Lemur

RIPNelson Mosquitofish

RIPEleni Cheetah
Avid supporter of ZooLit

RIPAlbertine Gastrotrich

RIPNausikaa Tortoise

RIPBeatrice Mayfly

RIPNicola Anastasia Platypus
Faithfully served as Archon in 2012

RIPOberon Pelican

RIPÉmile Homard

RIPMicaela Rhinoceros

RIPZulema Salamander

RIP

Abraham Whistlepig
Research Assistant, Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening

 

RIPHenrietta Gerta Beaver; Gregory Wapiti; Norman D.R. Moose; Humphrey Possum; Farrah Gastrotrich; Dustin Gastrotrich; Ingeborg Gastrotrich; Kaillie Gastrotrich; Berta Gastrotrich; Rowena Cougar; Iraida Whistlepig; Elvin Baboon; Karl Kodkod, Zachary Lézard,  Zaida Raposa; Hester Hawk; Rosa Elefante; Ian Douglas Shepherd; Calista Cormorant; Miriam Mayfly; Hendrix Albatross; Beatrix Toad; Erwin Toad; Garman Toad; Ivana Bluebird; Tillie Tarsier; Benedict Okapi; Lilita Shrew; Lucas Shrew; Benito Lobo.

Tricolore’s scented holiday television show causes ill effects in viewers

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Tab and Hermione

Scented TV makes strange bedfellows: Chef Tab Tricolore and nurse Hermione Hippo tended to the sick at Park Hospital

DEVELOPING STORY

The Park’s first scented television show delivered more than it promised, according to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

The hour-long show, which aired last night at 8:00 p.m. on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV), was billed by its producers as a “great experiment,” but none anticipated that the experiment would result in a rush to the emergency department.

A spokesAnimal for the Park Hospital said that at about 8:35, emergency room staff began to triage a “horde” of incoming patients, all of whom said they fell ill while watching the show.

“The symptoms were all the same: dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems…some had even lost tail or toe hairs. We had to assume it was caused by the show, even though we have no idea how that could happen,” the spokesAnimal said.

Hospital officials said they immediately contacted RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., creators of The Park’s only scented social networking site, gewper. It was gewper that supplied the scented aspect of the show, which it developed with Chef Tab Tricolore and VVTV.

The hospital spokesAnimal said they received a “terse reply” from both companies, saying it was impossible that the Animals had been sickened by the show. Vertebrate Vision Televison, however, issued a statement early this morning, expressing its “profound regrets” regarding any ill effects that viewers had suffered.

“We have launched an investigation into all possible causes of the illness and we will report our findings as soon as possible,” the statement said.

For his part, Chef Tricolore said he was “distraught” at the outcome of the broadcast and he rushed to the Park Hospital to offer any assistance he could.

“I have the utmost respect for my customers and my viewers,” he said. “My goal is to please, not to produce disease.”

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