The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Hibernating community breaks with tradition in Keeper of the Nut selection

By

Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf

Ekeoma L. Girraaf, elected 2016 Keeper of the Nut on November 11, 2015

Not even the cold rain that lashed The Park yesterday morning could dampen the enthusiasm of Malinda L. Hamster.

The president of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) could barely contain her joy as she stood amongst her peers and fellow citizens and surrendered the symbolic nut to Ekeoma L. Girraaf, elected 2016 Keeper of the Nut on November 11.

“On this solemn occasion, I entrust this nut to you and entreat you to guard it and to keep it safe until such time as the hibernating community requests its return,” the Hamster said as she offered the nut to Girraaf.

Clutching the nut, Girraaf quietly spoke the traditional oath of its Keeper:

“I swear to keep this nut from harm and to preserve it intact until such time as the hibernating community requests its return. And I do so with respect for all Park citizens.”

With that, The Park’s hibernating community made history, having officially broken with its long tradition of electing small Animals to fulfill the all-important rôle of Keeper of the Nut.

“It’s always been a small Animal,” said Beatrice Zilonis, Professor of History at the University of West Terrier, in a radio interview this morning.

“Like chooses like. We’ve never had a problem with that, but they should be very proud of themselves today for taking such a big step beyond that,” she said.

Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces agrees.

“For many reasons, it was a special day,” he says. “The fact that we could look beyond ourselves to an Animal who has very little in common with us and trust him…that says a lot and it bodes well for progress here in The Park. Jor [The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy] would be very proud.”

As for Girraaf, he says he’s almost ready to relax, after spending a few tense days wondering whether he would be accepted in his new rôle.

“It’s been a tough year and I wouldn’t have been surprised by a backlash. But I’ve received a warm welcome and lots of good wishes. It makes me proud to be a citizen of The Park and Keeper of the Nut,” he says.

Holstein Fashion signals its intent to move into the hibernation market

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Holstein Fashion

Holstein Fashion announced the creation of its two new subsidiaries today

Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, has signalled its intent to move into the hibernation market.

In an announcement issued today, company president and CEO Balbina Ko confirmed that the successful fashion house will be expanding its reach in the coming year.

“We are excited to announce the birth of two new Holstein Fashion subsidiaries, ‘Nation and ‘Nator,” the announcement said.

The companies, though created at the same time, are not “identical twins,” according to Ko. And, while the announcement was coy regarding the actual future business activities of the two subsidiaries, retail insiders claim the expansion into the hibernation market has been in the works for some time.

“The hibernation market is a very lucrative one, and for the most part, it’s been underserved,” says Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

“I think it fits well with their business model, not to mention their commitment to The Park’s striped and spotted community. It’s taken a few years for Park businesses to realize the market’s potential and, in that sense, HF is a bit of a trail blazer here, but I expect to see more and more of our businesses targeting these consumers in the coming years,” he says.

As it stands, though, The Park’s hibernators will have to make do with our current crop of hibernation outfitters. And that suits them just fine.

“We look forward to meeting their needs,” says Nafari Bongo, Director of Sales for GoUnderground, The Park’s oldest and largest hibernation outfitter.

TMD Exclusive: Stinktier throws his hat in the ring for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

By

Faramund Stinktier

Faramund Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

TMD EXCLUSIVE
Two sources have confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that Faramund Stinktier, one half of the SCENTient Beings duo, is among those being considered for the position of 2016 Keeper of the Nut.

One source who wishes not to be named in this article told The Mammalian Daily that Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for the position.

“His name was put forward by another Animal of the same species,” the source told The Mammalian Daily. The same information was posted on the gossip web site headsNtales and confirmed this morning in an email sent to The Mammalian Daily by the site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo.

Stinktier, a brilliant composer and performer who is considered to be the inventor of the wildly popular “Reekabilly” style of music, received a lot of press in September after he admitted to radio talk show host Yannis Tavros that he believed that he was meant to be a Zebra instead of a Skunk. Since then, he has been both praised and criticized, but he has refused to retire from public view. Those who know him say they’re not surprised that he’s allowed his name to stand for Keeper of the Nut rather than requesting it be removed.

“Faramund isn’t in hiding, even if some would prefer him to be. He wants to live his life just as he did before, except he wants to live it now as a Zebra,” said a longtime friend.

The position, which is now largely symbolic, represents trust among the species. The Keeper of the Nut is chosen annually on November 11, by ballots cast by members of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). The Surrender of the Nut to the Keeper of the Nut takes place each year on November 14.

Click here for more information on the Keeper of the Nut.

Dear Noreen: Humans need an answer? There’s a stat for that!

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I’ve been living with a family of Humans for three years and for the most part I’ve been happy with them. But there’s something about them I don’t understand.

It has to do with numbers. My Humans are always talking in numbers, quoting this or that percentage and the like. The thing is, I’ve checked some of their numbers and a lot of them are just plain wrong. And some of them are irrelevant, as far as I can see. I don’t understand why they think numbers are the answer to every question they have.

Can you help me understand this?—ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED

DEAR ONE HUNDRED PER CENT PERPLEXED: Ah, Humans. You’ve gotta love ’em…or, at least, you’ve gotta love eighty per cent of ’em, ninety per cent of the time, with a margin of error seven times out of twenty!

Or, as I usually say, they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one!

But you do, so I will try to answer your question as simply as I can, even though, in truth, the answer is both simple and complex (much as Humans are, themselves).

The numbers you’re asking about are known as “statistics.” And if I were allowed only one word to explain Humans’ obsession with them, it would be the word, “control.” I talk about this at greater length in my book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, but I am happy to give you a quick overview here.

You may not be familiar with this aspect of the Human psyche (as many Domestic Canines are not), but one of the driving forces of Human behaviour is the desire for control. And it is often in pursuit of said control that your Humans use these statistics.

But, how does this all work, you ask? Let me give you an example. Say, for instance, your Humans dearly want something to happen but they are afraid that it won’t happen. Instead of living with the uncertainty and waiting for the future to unfold, they turn to their numbers to comfort them. If the numbers say that it hasn’t been successfully done before, then they don’t, as they say, “get their hopes up.” But if the numbers tell them that it is likely to happen, then they allow themselves to hope. For a good example of this particular use of statistics, I refer you to coverage of Human sports events, particularly baseball.

Now, the question is, do these numbers change the outcome? Of course not! And, as you’ve said, the numbers are frequently wrong. Nevertheless, it comforts Humans to believe that they can make accurate predictions and the numbers give them the sense that they have some control.

I feel for you, having to listen to this sort of drivel on a constant basis. My advice to you, since you live with Humans, would be to tune out when they start to talk in numbers. You won’t be missing anything, I can assure you. After all, a good percentage of what they say in words is best ignored, as well.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

The polls are open, the race is on. May the best candidate become POPS 2016

By

POPS 2016

Cast your vote today for 2016 POPS!

The polls are open.

At sixteen different stations around The Park, the ballots are neatly stacked and election officials stand at the ready to assist voters as they file in.

“The race is on. All that’s left is for Park Animals to tick whichever box belongs to the candidate they think will perform the duties of POPS best,” said an exhausted-looking Gerritt Wezel this morning.

If voter turnout is as high as it has been over the past few years, the Park Election Office head estimates it will take at least three days to count the votes and determine which of the 207 candidates will be 2016’s Park Official Prognosticator of Spring.

“However long it takes, though, you’ll know almost as soon as we know,” Wezel says.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TODAY’S ELECTION

  • The polls will be open until 11:00 pm
  • All adult resident Animals are eligible to vote
  • ID is recommended but not mandatory

POPS election update: so many candidates, so little time for debate

By

Elections AheadLATE BREAKING NEWS

The numbers are in and they’re huge.

When Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel booked today’s press conference, he didn’t expect to have to postpone it. But that he did— twice—because even though registration closed at noon, it took over three hours for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to certify the registration forms.

And the final number?

“Would you believe two hundred and seven?” Wezel told the press. “And only twenty per cent of those are repeats.”

Given the numbers and the limited amount of time for debate, those twenty per cent may regret their decision to stand as candidates.

That’s because, according to new rules put in place today, repeaters will be allowed to speak for only one minute, exactly half the time allotted to new candidates.

“We had to draw the line somewhere, or the debate would go on all night,” Wezel said. “And since we’ve already heard from them, I think that’s fair.”

As it is, since the debate will last almost seven hours, the starting time has been moved up to two o’clock in the afternoon. Candidates will begin filling the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at noon, Wezel said, but attendees will not be allowed in until one.

If you’re planning to stay for the entire thing, however, there is one bright spot: refreshments will be available until eight o’clock, courtesy of The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

  • The debate starts at two o’clock
  • Attendees may come and go as they please
  • There is no age limit, but remember that very young Animals may cause a disturbance and delay the proceedings
  • Refreshments are available until eight o’clock
  • POPS Election Day is November 7

Hieronymous Hedgehog invokes uncle at emotional swearing-in ceremony

By

Hieronymous Hedgehog It was comfortably warm yesterday afternoon and outside the law courts, a crowd gathered to watch Hieronymous Hedgehog take the oath of office as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.

Standing at the podium afterwards to deliver a short but moving speech, his spines sparkled in the midday sun. He paused just once to brush away a tear as he spoke of his much beloved uncle, Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog, who served as Archon in 2000 and died in 2008, a victim of premature awakening from hibernation.

“I never thought I’d be able to pay tribute adequately to my Uncle Hamlin,” Hieronymous said. “And I never thought I’d have the chance to thank him for all he did for me and for The Park.

This honour—and this opportunity—mean everything to me. By sharing everything I know (and then some) about the process of hibernation, I will be contributing to interspecial understanding in The Park. But even more than that, I hope to save lives during my tenure. Because—let me warn you—I intend to take full advantage of my new position to raise awareness of the perils of premature awakening and its underlying causes. It’s the least I can do, not just for my Uncle Hamlin, but for the many victims of PA and their friends and families,” he said.

He also pledged to begin his new job “as soon as I leave this podium,” since the official date of hibernation is just two weeks away.

“I say,” he concluded with a smile, “I’ll be working nonstop until I go into hibernation myself, and by that time, you’ll be glad not to hear from me for a while.”

For everything you ever wanted to know about hibernation, follow Hieronymous on Twitter at HieronymousH.

October’s come and gone. Here’s what happened in The Park

By

Bird readingOctober 1-15

Searching for the Spitman: Noon Nuttiness Review

TMD managing editor may bow to pressure on bylines: rumour

Dear friends and fans: This time I am asking you for help

Groups cry foul as “politics” nixed at 2015 Harvest Festival

Justice Dindon to rule on injunction against Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations

Less than three weeks left to confirm your eligibility for Archon selection: DPA

Snowbird Farewell shocker: more come to the party, but fewer leave

October 16-31

Bird reading

Nesthetics gets the nod again to build Groundhog Day prognostication pad

Born a Skunk, Stinktier set to embrace life as a Zebra

Canine Music Association, PHS join forces to push for Barkettes museum

Tricolore, VVTV team up with gewper for Park’s first scented holiday show

Today’s Account of the State of The Park: what to hope for, what to expect

Hieronymous Hedgehog named Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador

Millicent Hayberry to star in new Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series

Election Office braces for deluge of POPS candidates as deadline looms

Election Office braces for deluge of POPS candidates as deadline looms

By

Elections AheadThe Park Election Office is now housed in two offices and even that amount of space has proven insufficient for its purposes.

“I told the Archons we’re going to have to go digital next year or we’ll have to build our own building,” laughs Gerritt Wezel.

But the PEO head isn’t really in the mood for jokes. Taking a break from sorting through the piles of registration forms that candidates for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) have dropped off just this week, Wezel waxes nostalgic about his early days on the job.

“I remember—and it seems not that long ago—when the debates had three or four Animals. One year it was six. And we thought we were overwhelmed then,” he sighs.

Last year, that number swelled to one hundred and forty-five and Wezel estimates that, this year, almost three hundred Animals will stand as candidates for the position. And while Wezel he says he’s happy about the high level of participation, he has some doubts about the seriousness of some of the candidates.

“Just because you can apply, it doesn’t mean that you should,” he says matter-of-factly.

Wezel isn’t the only one who has concerns. Two years ago, he met with the Archons to suggest ways in which they might be able to keep the numbers down and focus on candidate appropriateness. His suggestion that candidates be forced to meet specified qualifications was met with resistance, he says. But even at that time, they acknowledged they would have to find some kind of solution to the problem that had resulted from the 2003 decision to hold elections for the position.

In the meantime, Wezel spends his days sorting and counting and hoping the candidates will be able to whittle down their message to one to two seconds come Friday.

“If not, we’ll be listening to them from dawn to dusk and that’s no way to choose the POPS,” he says.

In case you are thinking about standing as a candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), this is what you should know:

JUST THE FACTS

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

Millicent Hayberry to star in new Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series

By

Millicent Hayberry

Millicent Hayberry will return to the stage in 2016

Millicent Hayberry will ring in the new year by starting a new gig at the Burrow Theatre.

In a press communiqué today, the renowned actress announced that, beginning in mid-February, she will star in a series of mysteries by award-winning author Gianfranco Colocolo.

“I am very pleased to announce that 2016 will find me back onstage at the Burrow Theatre, in a series of mysteries by Gianfranco Colocolo, the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl. I look forward to working with our brilliant director Jean-Luc Briard and the rest of the wonderful cast,” the communiqué said.

The Burrow Theatre confirmed that rehearsals for the first play begin on Monday.

“As Millicent is a hibernator, she will not be available after November 17, so we have to get going right away and use the time we have,” a spokesAnimal for the theatre said.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, is one of The Park’s early risers and, as such, she does not plan to return to her burrow after Groundhog Day. Instead, said the theatre’s spokesAnimal, “she expects to arrive here on February 3, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to get back to work.”

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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